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  • FIRST POST
    • in my wellies
    • By in my wellies 14th Apr 16, 7:18 PM
    • 729Posts
    • 473Thanks
    in my wellies
    mum coming to live with me - sharing bills?
    • #1
    • 14th Apr 16, 7:18 PM
    mum coming to live with me - sharing bills? 14th Apr 16 at 7:18 PM
    Hi, I live alone (widow) about 50 miles / 1 hour drive from my mum.
    'When the time comes' (her words) she says she would like to come and live with me as long as possible to avoid a care home. I have some room but she is thinking I could extend to build a bathroom/ kitchen downstairs for her. She said she would pay someone to 'granny sit' and for a carer when necessary so I can still go out. She can afford this.

    I'm thinking ahead and have a few questions please

    If she sold her house could she just pay for the building? What implications are there? For her? For me? I own my house outright.
    She would want to pay me 'keep' - I've no idea how much. What would be right? I was thinking it will only be extra food and heat - other bills I pay anyway
    Am I best to go through an agency to employ a carer? How do I find one?
    Do I need to change insurance or do anything else.
    I'm sure there are other questions I haven't even thought about

    Thank you
    Love living in a village in the country side
    Still enjoying my retirement
Page 2
    • badmemory
    • By badmemory 8th Feb 18, 4:10 PM
    • 1,559 Posts
    • 2,007 Thanks
    badmemory
    I do have LPA for Health and Finance. We sorted that out last year when it became clear it might be needed but thank you for the reminder. It was very easy on-line and I did think I should do them for myself soon, tell the children and hopefully forget about it.
    Originally posted by in my wellies
    You can now claim back the amount they say they overcharged, I've no idea how to do the link but hopefully someone will help with that! About 45 each POA.
    • tessiesmummy
    • By tessiesmummy 8th Feb 18, 4:44 PM
    • 145 Posts
    • 126 Thanks
    tessiesmummy
    Op i think it is a lovely thing you are doing and sadly it should be the norm. Sounds like a good idea making the wet room downstairs and if you can afford help from an agency then get it.

    I can't believe the amount of people on this thread who think it is an awful idea. these are the same ones thay will be giving the care home and hospital staff grief saying care isnt upto scratch when they pop in for 10 minutes once a week; and they'll be going mad over their 'inheritance' getting wasted on said care fees.

    If people looked after their elderly like they traditionally did then we wouldnt have the NHS and Health and Social care crisis that we have now. I am an experienced registered nurse and it is a sad fact that people dump their relatives in A&E for holidays/ xmas/ nights out.
    • dawyldthing
    • By dawyldthing 8th Feb 18, 4:57 PM
    • 2,852 Posts
    • 2,861 Thanks
    dawyldthing
    Make sure she applies for attendance allowance (even if she don't need care right now)

    I do disagree with mum not contributing though. If there's a few of you split it between you but she will be happy to contribute and ultimately that's what the pension is for - food and bills.
    My targets to end 2018:
    1) To get down to 11 stone then treat to a safari. At start 17 stone 7 lbs *61lbs lost* *30lbs to go*
    Started SW16st13lbs tues11/7/17 - 38 weeks in -53lbs
    -> target 11 st 13lbs by mid June -> 11 weeks & 17lbs to go
    2) to find new challenges
    • dawyldthing
    • By dawyldthing 8th Feb 18, 5:01 PM
    • 2,852 Posts
    • 2,861 Thanks
    dawyldthing
    Op i think it is a lovely thing you are doing and sadly it should be the norm. Sounds like a good idea making the wet room downstairs and if you can afford help from an agency then get it.

    I can't believe the amount of people on this thread who think it is an awful idea. these are the same ones thay will be giving the care home and hospital staff grief saying care isnt upto scratch when they pop in for 10 minutes once a week; and they'll be going mad over their 'inheritance' getting wasted on said care fees.

    If people looked after their elderly like they traditionally did then we wouldnt have the NHS and Health and Social care crisis that we have now. I am an experienced registered nurse and it is a sad fact that people dump their relatives in A&E for holidays/ xmas/ nights out.
    Originally posted by tessiesmummy
    Second this, but as soon as they pass away there soon there for the inheritance (and I don't mean you op but I've seen it once with work)

    We moved nan in and she was with us a few years after a neighbour raised a few concerns and I'm glad we did to be honest as I didn't what someone said about her falling at 11 to be found next day to happen.

    You can get a carers assessment too. I think it can be started through the GP thinking about it
    My targets to end 2018:
    1) To get down to 11 stone then treat to a safari. At start 17 stone 7 lbs *61lbs lost* *30lbs to go*
    Started SW16st13lbs tues11/7/17 - 38 weeks in -53lbs
    -> target 11 st 13lbs by mid June -> 11 weeks & 17lbs to go
    2) to find new challenges
    • Red-Squirrel
    • By Red-Squirrel 8th Feb 18, 7:13 PM
    • 2,583 Posts
    • 6,909 Thanks
    Red-Squirrel
    Op i think it is a lovely thing you are doing and sadly it should be the norm. Sounds like a good idea making the wet room downstairs and if you can afford help from an agency then get it.

    I can't believe the amount of people on this thread who think it is an awful idea. these are the same ones thay will be giving the care home and hospital staff grief saying care isnt upto scratch when they pop in for 10 minutes once a week; and they'll be going mad over their 'inheritance' getting wasted on said care fees.

    If people looked after their elderly like they traditionally did then we wouldnt have the NHS and Health and Social care crisis that we have now. I am an experienced registered nurse and it is a sad fact that people dump their relatives in A&E for holidays/ xmas/ nights out.
    Originally posted by tessiesmummy
    Could you not just say the nice things and leave out the guilt trip for people who can't do the same?
    • tessiesmummy
    • By tessiesmummy 8th Feb 18, 7:19 PM
    • 145 Posts
    • 126 Thanks
    tessiesmummy
    No because it's something I feel strongly about. And it's not a case of cant but more wont or dont want to make any sacrifices !!!55357;!!!56842;
    • in my wellies
    • By in my wellies 8th Feb 18, 8:27 PM
    • 729 Posts
    • 473 Thanks
    in my wellies
    FireflyawayThanks for your comments. I'm no longer thinking about extensive building. I'm lucky I do have a spare bedroom now as one child has left. She can manage the stairs. I also have a dining room which she can use if stairs are not possible. The problem is that she is used to a walking shower/wet room in her flat so although she is able to use my shower she is reluctant (the dementia) so I'm looking into easier options for her. I have booked 2 bathroom companies. I'm hoping that moving a stud wall 40 - 50 cm will create a shower /wet room which will add to my property and not be a white elephant in the long run. A recently deceased elderly cat means I need a new carpet anyway so no I wouldn't be billing my mum!
    Mum is now past the stage where finance has any meaning. She hasn't mentioned paying keep/rent and nor have I. She seems to have gone into the past where prices are concerned, reacting in horror at the price of almost everything. She wanted to pay the cleaner 1 for the morning and thought the 2.20 in her purse would be enough for the hairdresser. When we go out I pay for everything - parking, coffee, etc. This is totally out of character. For over 60 year I've been used to her insisting. So I guess now I get my way.
    • Savvy_Sue
    • By Savvy_Sue 8th Feb 18, 9:08 PM
    • 38,394 Posts
    • 34,995 Thanks
    Savvy_Sue
    No because it's something I feel strongly about. And it's not a case of cant but more wont or dont want to make any sacrifices
    Originally posted by tessiesmummy
    There's an interesting book being serialised on Radio 4 this week, written by a lady diagnosed with dementia at 58. She was adamant from the start that she did not WANT to be cared for by her daughters and would much prefer professional care. My mother was of the same opinion, and did not WANT any of us to have to care for her. So you can feel as strongly as you want, not all older people feel the same.

    Plus whether or not you feel people won't or don't want to make any sacrifices, what exactly are you suggesting people should sacrifice to avoid relatives going into residential care?

    Their marriages? Pretty sure mine would not have stood the strain of having my mother with us, although one of my siblings lives happily with their MIL.

    Their children's lives? DH still doesn't speak about living with his paranoid and delusional grandparent during his teenage years.

    Their health? Lifting, turning, toileting a sometimes much heavier adult who either can't or won't cooperate, without adequate help and support ... maybe for years ... Unable to go out for a brisk walk, maybe for years, even hang washing out in the garden without being called, "where are you, I don't know where you are or how long you've been gone?"

    Their financial independence? Reliant on Carers' Allowance, no private pension, maybe until they're retired themselves and in poor health because of the years of caring?

    Actually, let's forget older people: one of my friends has a child, currently living at home, who will never be able to live independently. Should the parent keep that child at home forever, or take steps to see them in a suitable residential setting, with people of a similar age? If the child stays at home, what happens when the parent dies, or becomes too frail to provide the necessary care? Should a younger sibling have to take on the responsibility? My friend is agonising over when to take this decision, and I'm certainly not going to guilt trip them over it ...

    If it works for the OP, that's fantastic. It would not work for everyone, and suggesting that the only reason it doesn't is because people aren't willing to make sacrifices is simplistic at best.
    Last edited by Savvy_Sue; 09-02-2018 at 1:47 AM.
    Still knitting!
    Completed: 1 adult cardigan, 3 baby jumpers, 3 shawls, 1 sweat band, 3 pairs baby bootees,
    1 Wise Man Knitivity figure + 1 sheep, 2 pairs socks, 2 hats 2 balaclavas for seamen, 1 balaclava for myself ...
    Current projects: Poppies, mohair cardigan pattern on order...
    • troubleinparadise
    • By troubleinparadise 8th Feb 18, 9:19 PM
    • 1,013 Posts
    • 1,700 Thanks
    troubleinparadise
    No because it's something I feel strongly about. And it's not a case of cant but more wont or dont want to make any sacrifices !!!55357;!!!56842;
    Originally posted by tessiesmummy
    Tessiesmummy - you will know as a registered nurse (who is working in patient care at present, I assume) that a person with dementia who has declined is not easy to care for, let alone 1:1 on a 24/7 basis.

    It appears to be a challenge on wards with several nurses plus HCAs, who change shifts and go home with a fresh person to take over, plus housekeeping and cooking done by others.

    I am familiar with carers stories on the Alzheimers UK forum where they have desperately wanted to provide care at home for their family member, but have had to place that person in residential care due to either unmanageable violence, incontinence, wandering or sleeplessness, and finally carer breakdown.

    Social services do what they can, but are overstretched. Bought in visiting care can help for the 15 minutes they are there, which still doesn;t count for much even if it is for 4 visits a day.

    In those situations it is most definitely not a case of won;t or dont, but can;t. Dont be too quick to judge those whose shoes you havent walked in.
    Last edited by troubleinparadise; 08-02-2018 at 9:22 PM.
    • Tabbytabitha
    • By Tabbytabitha 8th Feb 18, 9:39 PM
    • 1,982 Posts
    • 3,347 Thanks
    Tabbytabitha
    Make sure she applies for attendance allowance (even if she don't need care right now)

    I do disagree with mum not contributing though. If there's a few of you split it between you but she will be happy to contribute and ultimately that's what the pension is for - food and bills.
    Originally posted by dawyldthing
    If she doesn't have care needs at present it's pointless applying for AA - when (and if) she does, that's the time to apply.
    • in my wellies
    • By in my wellies 9th Feb 18, 8:56 AM
    • 729 Posts
    • 473 Thanks
    in my wellies
    You can now claim back the amount they say they overcharged, I've no idea how to do the link but hopefully someone will help with that! About 45 each POA.
    Originally posted by badmemory
    https://www.gov.uk/government/news/power-of-attorney-fee-refund-scheme-launched

    many thanks, I shall look into this
    Love living in a village in the country side
    Still enjoying my retirement
    • in my wellies
    • By in my wellies 9th Feb 18, 9:08 AM
    • 729 Posts
    • 473 Thanks
    in my wellies
    We are very lucky that I'm able and have time and space for mum to live here. I took early retirement to care for my husband and spend time together. I have no regrets although I am 3 years short of NI years because the rules changed from 30 to 35 after I carefully checked my forecast - but that's another story. Mums doctor advised me to apply for carers credit - I think he felt strongly about it.
    Savvy-Sue I have been listening to the book but at 12.30 am before the shipping forecast. The part about not recognising the wardrobe was exactly my mother.
    Love living in a village in the country side
    Still enjoying my retirement
    • elsien
    • By elsien 9th Feb 18, 9:19 AM
    • 16,201 Posts
    • 40,933 Thanks
    elsien
    Tessiesmum, when you say people should have elderly relatives living with them and caring for them, let's be honest here, in the majority of cases you mean women. They are the ones who usually end up in the caring role. Or carry the burden when relative moves into the family home, even in multigenerational families.
    You're a nurse. You should know the reality of caring for someone as their dementia progresses - the constant worry, the aggression, the disturbed nights, not being able to go out in case the person absconds. The difference is, you get to go home at the end if a shift. Family carers don't.
    I will help my mum as long as I can. But I will not live with her or have her live with me. I have a mortgage to pay, and we both acknowledge we would drive each other up the wall. My brother, while happy to chuck some money in our direction now and then, would be no practical help at all.
    You probably consider me selfish. I don't care and I don't feel guilty. My mum is horrified at the thought of me sacrificing my home and my life to put us both in a situation that would make us both unhappy, and I'm far more concerned about her opinion than anyone else's.
    I commend those who are able to do it. But not everyone can. And they shouldn't be made to feel bad about it. Women don't need yet another stick to be beaten with.
    Last edited by elsien; 09-02-2018 at 9:22 AM.
    All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well.

    Pedant alert - it's could have, not could of.
    • margaretclare
    • By margaretclare 9th Feb 18, 10:38 AM
    • 10,099 Posts
    • 17,093 Thanks
    margaretclare
    Op i think it is a lovely thing you are doing and sadly it should be the norm. Sounds like a good idea making the wet room downstairs and if you can afford help from an agency then get it.

    I can't believe the amount of people on this thread who think it is an awful idea. these are the same ones thay will be giving the care home and hospital staff grief saying care isnt upto scratch when they pop in for 10 minutes once a week; and they'll be going mad over their 'inheritance' getting wasted on said care fees.

    If people looked after their elderly like they traditionally did then we wouldnt have the NHS and Health and Social care crisis that we have now. I
    am an experienced registered nurse and it is a sad fact that people dump their relatives in A&E for holidays/ xmas/ nights out.
    Originally posted by tessiesmummy
    I don't know how far you'd have to go back into history to find when this was 'traditional'. I do know that one of my great-grandmothers ended her days in a workhouse infirmary. As a child I heard about her and I asked 'why'. Reason given: 'because they couldn't do with her at home'. Couldn't do with her. I've never forgotten that. Approx 100 years ago, or so.

    Now, things are very different. DH and I are 80+ and we haven't planned to go into care or to be cared for by anyone else. His relatives are East Midlands, mine are West Yorkshire. I would guess that is the kind of scenario in today's world. Some people I know of have family members in other countries or even on other continents.

    Although we live in a bungalow and had a bathroom conveniently to hand, we upgraded it to a wet-room recently. We stipulated that it mustn't look 'institutional' i.e. no white tiles etc. When we're gone, a lot of people are busy and prefer showers nowadays. The local airport is always looking for accommodation, and their staff are used to showers - busy lives!
    r ic wisdom funde, r wear ic eald.
    Before I found wisdom, I became old.
    • margaretclare
    • By margaretclare 9th Feb 18, 10:41 AM
    • 10,099 Posts
    • 17,093 Thanks
    margaretclare
    Tessiesmum, when you say people should have elderly relatives living with them and caring for them, let's be honest here, in the majority of cases you mean women. They are the ones who usually end up in the caring role. Or carry the burden when relative moves into the family home, even in multigenerational families.
    You're a nurse. You should know the reality of caring for someone as their dementia progresses - the constant worry, the aggression, the disturbed nights, not being able to go out in case the person absconds. The difference is, you get to go home at the end if a shift. Family carers don't.
    I will help my mum as long as I can. But I will not live with her or have her live with me. I have a mortgage to pay, and we both acknowledge we would drive each other up the wall. My brother, while happy to chuck some money in our direction now and then, would be no practical help at all.
    You probably consider me selfish. I don't care and I don't feel guilty. My mum is horrified at the thought of me sacrificing my home and my life to put us both in a situation that would make us both unhappy, and I'm far more concerned about her opinion than anyone else's.
    I commend those who are able to do it. But not everyone can. And they shouldn't be made to feel bad about it. Women don't need yet another stick to be beaten with.
    Originally posted by elsien
    I couldn't agree more.
    r ic wisdom funde, r wear ic eald.
    Before I found wisdom, I became old.
    • Judi
    • By Judi 9th Feb 18, 11:19 AM
    • 16,008 Posts
    • 69,189 Thanks
    Judi
    Op i think it is a lovely thing you are doing and sadly it should be the norm. Sounds like a good idea making the wet room downstairs and if you can afford help from an agency then get it.

    I can't believe the amount of people on this thread who think it is an awful idea. these are the same ones thay will be giving the care home and hospital staff grief saying care isnt upto scratch when they pop in for 10 minutes once a week; and they'll be going mad over their 'inheritance' getting wasted on said care fees.

    If people looked after their elderly like they traditionally did then we wouldnt have the NHS and Health and Social care crisis that we have now. I am an experienced registered nurse and it is a sad fact that people dump their relatives in A&E for holidays/ xmas/ nights out.
    Originally posted by tessiesmummy
    Come back and bleat when youve walked the walk.
    'Holy crap on a cracker!'
    • dawyldthing
    • By dawyldthing 10th Feb 18, 12:09 AM
    • 2,852 Posts
    • 2,861 Thanks
    dawyldthing
    If she doesn't have care needs at present it's pointless applying for AA - when (and if) she does, that's the time to apply.
    Originally posted by Tabbytabitha
    https://www.gov.uk/attendance-allowance/eligibility

    Not necessarily. If she writes down the reasons she's moved her in from what she's said I'll be surprised if they don't get some help
    My targets to end 2018:
    1) To get down to 11 stone then treat to a safari. At start 17 stone 7 lbs *61lbs lost* *30lbs to go*
    Started SW16st13lbs tues11/7/17 - 38 weeks in -53lbs
    -> target 11 st 13lbs by mid June -> 11 weeks & 17lbs to go
    2) to find new challenges
    • dawyldthing
    • By dawyldthing 10th Feb 18, 12:12 AM
    • 2,852 Posts
    • 2,861 Thanks
    dawyldthing
    We are very lucky that I'm able and have time and space for mum to live here. I took early retirement to care for my husband and spend time together. I have no regrets although I am 3 years short of NI years because the rules changed from 30 to 35 after I carefully checked my forecast - but that's another story. Mums doctor advised me to apply for carers credit - I think he felt strongly about it.
    Savvy-Sue I have been listening to the book but at 12.30 am before the shipping forecast. The part about not recognising the wardrobe was exactly my mother.
    Originally posted by in my wellies
    Also check your national insurance online record as you can top it up if it's only a few years ago
    My targets to end 2018:
    1) To get down to 11 stone then treat to a safari. At start 17 stone 7 lbs *61lbs lost* *30lbs to go*
    Started SW16st13lbs tues11/7/17 - 38 weeks in -53lbs
    -> target 11 st 13lbs by mid June -> 11 weeks & 17lbs to go
    2) to find new challenges
    • badmemory
    • By badmemory 10th Feb 18, 12:33 AM
    • 1,559 Posts
    • 2,007 Thanks
    badmemory
    What many fail to realise when advocating caring for a family member, is that the family member reaches a stage where they are totallly unrecognisable as the person that you knew. They say & do things which are totally alien to the person you thought you knew. It is one thing to care for someone you know but it is a lot harder to do that for a complete stranger - for that is what they may well become.
    • AnotherJoe
    • By AnotherJoe 10th Feb 18, 1:05 AM
    • 9,066 Posts
    • 9,979 Thanks
    AnotherJoe
    Originally posted by in my wellies
    Its dead easy, I did four (two for two people) this afternoon in 5 minutes.
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