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  • FIRST POST
    • Waves and Smiles
    • By Waves and Smiles 17th Mar 16, 5:23 PM
    • 5,139Posts
    • 21,814Thanks
    Waves and Smiles
    Here we can all be heard for a little while. Part 3
    • #1
    • 17th Mar 16, 5:23 PM
    Here we can all be heard for a little while. Part 3 17th Mar 16 at 5:23 PM
    This thread is a continuation of The Mental Health thread !!!8220;Here we can all be heard for a little while Part 2!!!8221;. The previous thread can be found here-

    http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.php?t=5320917&page=501

    I started the original thread when I was lonely and suffering with mental health issues and was lucky to find a wonderful group of amazing new friends who now mean the world to me. My name was Worried and Scared back then but with the help of everyone here I became Waves and Smiles. This thread is no longer just about me, it is about all of us and for anyone who needs mental health support, their carers and anyone who is interested in learning more. Sometimes we speak seriously, sometimes we offer gentle advice and a lot of the time we laugh together. Sometimes I write mini-novels about my experiences of living with complex mental illness. What is important is everyone here is there for each other. New posters are welcome to join in, or just lurk (we call them humming birds because they hover!) if they would prefer. This is a place without judgement or pressure, and a safe place for everyone. We try to keep abbreviations to a minimum but if there are some that you do not understand please ask.

    Sir Pugliet is our Good Mental Health pug! You may notice that he is mentioned from time to time, he is a little cuddly pug toy that was sent to me by a friend on the thread. He is something of a celebrity now!


    Hugs and warm handshakes, or finger squishes, whichever you prefer.

    Also, please take a look at the following links which offer great advice written by the lovely people at MSE!

    http://www.moneysavingexpert.com/news/family/2016/03/martin-lewis-launches-new-money--mental-health-policy-institute

    http://blog.moneysavingexpert.com/2016/05/16/the-money-and-mental-health-policy-institute-whatll-it-really-do

    http://www.moneysavingexpert.com/credit-cards/mental-health-guide
    Last edited by Waves and Smiles; 17-05-2016 at 10:29 AM.
    Until one has loved an animal a part of one's soul remains unawakened - Anatole France

    If I knew that the world would end tomorrow, I would still plant apple trees today - Martin Luther King
Page 513
    • Pyxis
    • By Pyxis 13th Jul 18, 5:55 AM
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    Pyxis
    Sounds like a plan, MessedUp!
    (I just lurve spiders! )
    INFJ(Turbulent).

    Her Greenliness Baroness Pyxis of the Alphabetty, Pinnacle of Peadom
    Founder Member: WIMPS ANONYMOUS
    I'm in a clique! It's a clique of one! It's a unique clique!
    • jobbingmusician
    • By jobbingmusician 13th Jul 18, 2:57 PM
    • 19,194 Posts
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    jobbingmusician
    Torry, I am touched that you feel that you are leaving your husband behind. In my mind it isn't like that. I'm honestly not sure about heaven but I am sure that HE is looking after YOU at the moment. There is no way you will leave him behind. Whatever you think you are forgetting is your mind playing tricks on you, and you feeling anxious. Honestly - he is safe in your heart forever, whatever your mind thinks. Memories are about more than memories, IYSWIM - they are about feelings and love. You will never leave him behind but you will eventually stop hurting in this sort of raw way.
    I'm the Board Guide on the Matched Betting; Referrers and Jobseeking & Training boards. I'm a volunteer to help the boards run smoothly, and I can move and merge posts there. Board guides are not moderators and don't read every post. If you spot an illegal or inappropriate post then please report it to forumteam@moneysavingexpert.com (it's not part of my role to deal with this). Any views are mine and not the official line of MoneySavingExpert.com.

    The good folk of the matched betting board are now (I hope!) supporting Macmillan, in memory of Fifigrace. Visit
    https://www.gofundme.com/running-the-leeds-10k-for-macmillan
    • Torry Quine
    • By Torry Quine 13th Jul 18, 9:40 PM
    • 17,205 Posts
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    Torry Quine
    jm thanks so much for your wise words. I go between wanting him to be happy in heaven to wanting him to know how much I miss him. My grief is all I have.

    Even adverts for new series we watched together have me in floods of tears.

    I've been wearing one of his t-shirts to bed and put one on my cuddly cat.

    I can't begin to imagine getting rid of any of his things.

    I don't even tidy up, there's no one here to care

    I watch Wimbledon but without much enthusiasm either.

    It's just awful and I want to go to sleep and wake up and find it was all a mistake
    Last edited by Torry Quine; 13-07-2018 at 9:46 PM.
    Lost my soulmate so life is empty.

    I can bear pain myself, he said softly, but I couldna bear yours. That would take more strength than I have -
    Diana Gabaldon, Outlander
    • Pyxis
    • By Pyxis 13th Jul 18, 10:09 PM
    • 36,514 Posts
    • 135,073 Thanks
    Pyxis
    jm thanks so much for your wise words. I go between wanting him to be happy in heaven to wanting him to know how much I miss him. My grief is all I have.

    Even adverts for new series we watched together have me in floods of tears.

    I've been wearing one of his t-shirts to bed and put one on my cuddly cat.

    I can't begin to imagine getting rid of any of his things.

    I don't even tidy up, there's no one here to care

    I watch Wimbledon but without much enthusiasm either.

    It's just awful and I want to go to sleep and wake up and find it was all a mistake
    Originally posted by Torry Quine
    And neither should you. No need to.
    (I just lurve spiders! )
    INFJ(Turbulent).

    Her Greenliness Baroness Pyxis of the Alphabetty, Pinnacle of Peadom
    Founder Member: WIMPS ANONYMOUS
    I'm in a clique! It's a clique of one! It's a unique clique!
    • dekaspace
    • By dekaspace 14th Jul 18, 11:26 PM
    • 4,494 Posts
    • 4,075 Thanks
    dekaspace
    Hoping to not stir up any negative feelings for other posters but regarding people missing loved ones, Im honestly asking is it better to have loved and lost then never loved at all?


    I ask as I am lonely having never been a real relationship, sure had a few partners but they have been short term and more of companions with benefits.


    Part of the reason for my negative thinking is my lonliness, I have no one to feel good with, sure I can speak to parents but I want someone whom I can personally have to turn to when im unhappy, work it out together and trust and do the same for them.


    So is it better to have loved than never loved?
    • Pyxis
    • By Pyxis 15th Jul 18, 10:07 AM
    • 36,514 Posts
    • 135,073 Thanks
    Pyxis
    Hoping to not stir up any negative feelings for other posters but regarding people missing loved ones, Im honestly asking is it better to have loved and lost then never loved at all?


    I ask as I am lonely having never been a real relationship, sure had a few partners but they have been short term and more of companions with benefits.


    Part of the reason for my negative thinking is my lonliness, I have no one to feel good with, sure I can speak to parents but I want someone whom I can personally have to turn to when im unhappy, work it out together and trust and do the same for them.


    So is it better to have loved than never loved?
    Originally posted by dekaspace
    My personal feeling on the subject is that it's relatively rare to find a true and lasting soul-mate, and that people who do are truly, truly blessed.

    However, that does also mean that when that soul-mate dies, the loss is intense to an almost unbearable degree.

    In the fullness of time, though, that intense feeling of loss can mellow to a recognition that one's time with the soul-mate was, indeed, a blessed time, and the knowledge that one has been truly, truly loved at least once in one's life would, hopefully, be a real comfort.

    I have never had a soul-mate, so I'm not able to compare the two experiences and decide which was the better. I would imagine that to have been blessed with having had a soul-mate is the better option, but I don't really know.
    (I just lurve spiders! )
    INFJ(Turbulent).

    Her Greenliness Baroness Pyxis of the Alphabetty, Pinnacle of Peadom
    Founder Member: WIMPS ANONYMOUS
    I'm in a clique! It's a clique of one! It's a unique clique!
    • marmiterulesok
    • By marmiterulesok 15th Jul 18, 1:49 PM
    • 7,476 Posts
    • 33,804 Thanks
    marmiterulesok
    Is it ok to post here?
    I'm really struggling with depression rn,feeling really lost,empty and raw.Going through a change of medication too so got to ride that out.I just need somewhere to vent.
    Thank you.
    Nsd July 13/20
    Budgeting again in earnest,no excuses
    • Torry Quine
    • By Torry Quine 15th Jul 18, 2:09 PM
    • 17,205 Posts
    • 26,675 Thanks
    Torry Quine
    dekaspace - I don't know but have wondered myself about this. I hope in time to be able to appreciate and find comfort but my pain is too raw.

    Crying again
    Lost my soulmate so life is empty.

    I can bear pain myself, he said softly, but I couldna bear yours. That would take more strength than I have -
    Diana Gabaldon, Outlander
    • Pyxis
    • By Pyxis 15th Jul 18, 2:17 PM
    • 36,514 Posts
    • 135,073 Thanks
    Pyxis
    Is it ok to post here?
    I'm really struggling with depression rn,feeling really lost,empty and raw.Going through a change of medication too so got to ride that out.I just need somewhere to vent.
    Thank you.
    Originally posted by marmiterulesok
    Hello, Marmite.

    Of course it's all right to post here.

    Please vent away!
    (I just lurve spiders! )
    INFJ(Turbulent).

    Her Greenliness Baroness Pyxis of the Alphabetty, Pinnacle of Peadom
    Founder Member: WIMPS ANONYMOUS
    I'm in a clique! It's a clique of one! It's a unique clique!
    • mellymoo74
    • By mellymoo74 15th Jul 18, 3:00 PM
    • 5,771 Posts
    • 13,218 Thanks
    mellymoo74
    (((((torry)))))
    • Torry Quine
    • By Torry Quine 15th Jul 18, 3:14 PM
    • 17,205 Posts
    • 26,675 Thanks
    Torry Quine
    I haven't been able to watch the world cup as he should be here enjoying it. I'm going to try and watch the final for him, supporting France as we had a holiday in Paris a while back.

    Haven't bothered getting dressed today what's the point?

    Still crying every day
    Lost my soulmate so life is empty.

    I can bear pain myself, he said softly, but I couldna bear yours. That would take more strength than I have -
    Diana Gabaldon, Outlander
    • mellymoo74
    • By mellymoo74 15th Jul 18, 4:02 PM
    • 5,771 Posts
    • 13,218 Thanks
    mellymoo74
    Torry I can't speak as my personal hygiene has been lacking lately I'm too tired but after the match have a shower and out clean pjs on getting dressed less important.
    You need to take care of yourself. I am being a hypocrite because I am poor at it.

    I wish I could numb it for you but it's testament to how deeply you loved
    • dandy-candy
    • By dandy-candy 15th Jul 18, 4:14 PM
    • 1,811 Posts
    • 9,411 Thanks
    dandy-candy
    Torry I would fully expect you to cry everyday still. I cried everyday without fail, sometimes several times a day, after my mum died. In fact I couldn't even think about her without crying for FIVE YEARS. That is no exaggeration. My DH had told me it took him 6 months to get over grieving him mum and also his best friend dying, I kept thinking what is wrong with me? Why am I such a freak? But it's really down to how close you were to that person.

    About a week after she died DH caught me absolutely awash with tears and bawling while trying to hang the washing in the garden and I kept saying "I want her back" over and over. He said "I know but you can't have her back" I almost hated him for that, I sort of thought somehow something had to bring her back, I said "But I need her still" and he just said "But there would never have been a right time for her to go" and it was true. When someone is that big a part of your life there is not "right" time and it utterly sucks.
    Saw her favourite choccie bar in a shop? Tears.
    New costume drama starting (we always watched them together)? Tears.
    Kids started University and she wasn't there to see it? Tears.
    Crying, hating, moping didn't change a flipping thing and I was so angry that the world just carried on around me like she was never there.
    But slowly I got through a few days without crying, then a week. If I looked at photos tears would come so I stopped looking at photos. It was really gradual but you just get there eventually. I can actually think about her and smile now, and say stuff like "mum would have loved that" without choking up. And I like to think of her maybe checking in on me now and again, she was such a happy person I know 100% she would hate to watch me cry.
    • Pyxis
    • By Pyxis 15th Jul 18, 5:21 PM
    • 36,514 Posts
    • 135,073 Thanks
    Pyxis
    Torry I would fully expect you to cry everyday still. I cried everyday without fail, sometimes several times a day, after my mum died. In fact I couldn't even think about her without crying for FIVE YEARS. That is no exaggeration. My DH had told me it took him 6 months to get over grieving him mum and also his best friend dying, I kept thinking what is wrong with me? Why am I such a freak? But it's really down to how close you were to that person.

    About a week after she died DH caught me absolutely awash with tears and bawling while trying to hang the washing in the garden and I kept saying "I want her back" over and over. He said "I know but you can't have her back" I almost hated him for that, I sort of thought somehow something had to bring her back, I said "But I need her still" and he just said "But there would never have been a right time for her to go" and it was true. When someone is that big a part of your life there is not "right" time and it utterly sucks.
    Saw her favourite choccie bar in a shop? Tears.
    New costume drama starting (we always watched them together)? Tears.
    Kids started University and she wasn't there to see it? Tears.
    Crying, hating, moping didn't change a flipping thing and I was so angry that the world just carried on around me like she was never there.
    But slowly I got through a few days without crying, then a week. If I looked at photos tears would come so I stopped looking at photos. It was really gradual but you just get there eventually. I can actually think about her and smile now, and say stuff like "mum would have loved that" without choking up. And I like to think of her maybe checking in on me now and again, she was such a happy person I know 100% she would hate to watch me cry.
    Originally posted by dandy-candy
    That was lovely to read, Dandy! Thank you for that. I am sure it will be of help.
    (I just lurve spiders! )
    INFJ(Turbulent).

    Her Greenliness Baroness Pyxis of the Alphabetty, Pinnacle of Peadom
    Founder Member: WIMPS ANONYMOUS
    I'm in a clique! It's a clique of one! It's a unique clique!
    • Torry Quine
    • By Torry Quine 15th Jul 18, 7:58 PM
    • 17,205 Posts
    • 26,675 Thanks
    Torry Quine
    I cried at several points in the game, even at the penalty because he always explained them to me.


    Dandy thanks you've put it well. I cry putting out my washing because there's none of his. I see a new series we watched is coming soon, more crying.

    I have photos but can't look at the ones on my phone without crying.

    Melly I've showered and put on fresh pjs, his actually!
    Lost my soulmate so life is empty.

    I can bear pain myself, he said softly, but I couldna bear yours. That would take more strength than I have -
    Diana Gabaldon, Outlander
    • Sleazy
    • By Sleazy 15th Jul 18, 8:58 PM
    • 10,137 Posts
    • 17,975 Thanks
    Sleazy
    I cried at several points in the game, even at the penalty because he always explained them to me.

    Dandy thanks you've put it well. I cry putting out my washing because there's none of his. I see a new series we watched is coming soon, more crying.

    I have photos but can't look at the ones on my phone without crying.

    Melly I've showered and put on fresh pjs, his actually!
    Originally posted by Torry Quine
    It's ok Torry! It's all part of the grieving process.
    Even some animals grieve at the loss of a lifelong partner.
    How much more so, us humans.

    Talk about your feelings as much as you want. There are those of us here who will listen and share experiences, although yours are unique to you. Talking to 'strangers' is good sometimes.
    Cur Sleazy, Faffer of Nôtre Forum
    Lurker, Rattler Of Cages, Puller Of Both Legs And Chains
    Certified Member Of The Clique Of Idiots
    • Torry Quine
    • By Torry Quine 15th Jul 18, 9:32 PM
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    • 26,675 Thanks
    Torry Quine
    It's ok Torry! It's all part of the grieving process.
    Even some animals grieve at the loss of a lifelong partner.
    How much more so, us humans.

    Talk about your feelings as much as you want. There are those of us here who will listen and share experiences, although yours are unique to you. Talking to 'strangers' is good sometimes.
    Originally posted by Sleazy
    Thanks, I worry I'm repeating myself.

    My cat grieved for him too. She would wander around lost crying and was barely eating.
    Lost my soulmate so life is empty.

    I can bear pain myself, he said softly, but I couldna bear yours. That would take more strength than I have -
    Diana Gabaldon, Outlander
    • Pyxis
    • By Pyxis 15th Jul 18, 9:35 PM
    • 36,514 Posts
    • 135,073 Thanks
    Pyxis
    Thanks, I worry I'm repeating myself.

    My cat grieved for him too. She would wander around lost crying and was barely eating.
    Originally posted by Torry Quine
    Is your cat coming to you for cuddles now?
    (I just lurve spiders! )
    INFJ(Turbulent).

    Her Greenliness Baroness Pyxis of the Alphabetty, Pinnacle of Peadom
    Founder Member: WIMPS ANONYMOUS
    I'm in a clique! It's a clique of one! It's a unique clique!
    • Torry Quine
    • By Torry Quine 15th Jul 18, 10:03 PM
    • 17,205 Posts
    • 26,675 Thanks
    Torry Quine
    Is your cat coming to you for cuddles now?
    Originally posted by Pyxis
    Sometimes. She also sits beside me at times


    I know everyone is different but i I can't get my head round this

    https://www.mirror.co.uk/3am/celebrity-news/bill-roache-over-daughter-vanyas-12863591
    Lost my soulmate so life is empty.

    I can bear pain myself, he said softly, but I couldna bear yours. That would take more strength than I have -
    Diana Gabaldon, Outlander
    • calleyw
    • By calleyw 16th Jul 18, 9:56 AM
    • 8,768 Posts
    • 15,813 Thanks
    calleyw
    Sometimes. She also sits beside me at times

    I know everyone is different but i I can't get my head round this

    https://www.mirror.co.uk/3am/celebrity-news/bill-roache-over-daughter-vanyas-12863591
    Originally posted by Torry Quine

    Torry,


    It maybe be hard for you to get your head around it. Because you are going through it at the moment. But I can understand that for some people they feel the need to move on quickly and carry on with their lives. Not sure I would be able to do it.



    Does not mean they loved the person any less. Just means they have found a way to not let it hold them back in their life. 29 years later, I still miss my best friend who died on my 16th birthday. I don't think about her very often but when I do I get upset and angry. Does not change the fact that she is still not here.



    If you put on a scientific head so no emotion. What does grieving achieve. If we are truthful nothing. Its pain and hurt, and energy we expend. And gain nothing from it.


    I have days like that and I am not grieving for anyone. I am slave to my emotions which are built up around myself worth and confidence. Today is a good example I have been on edge since last night. No idea why. But today I just want to eat rubbish and crawl back in to bed. makes no sense but that is what my brain is telling me to do. Mind you not helped that I had leg cramps in both legs in the middle of the night and can hardly put my feet flat to the floor. So no going to the gym for me today!!!


    Be kind to yourself. The pain will lessen over time. It does not mean you don't care or love them. Its about baby steps in moving forward in your life.


    Take care


    Yours


    Calley x
    Hope for everything and expect nothing!!!

    Good enough is almost always good enough -Prof Barry Schwartz

    If it scares you, it might be a good thing to try -Seth Godin
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