Here we can all be heard for a little while. Part 3

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  • tea_lover
    tea_lover Posts: 8,261 Forumite
    codemonkey wrote: »
    (((Tea))). FOH is clearly a muppet. What is the point of putting all that work in to fix things with you and then messing it up by having another one on the go? Whether you told people or not is irrelevant - I never told people about relationships unless they were over 6 months, unless you had a specific agreement that you both were allowed to see other people then he's just being a git. The telling you the other person is nuts thing is concerning because no doubt he's been telling the other one that you're a nutter. You have nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about. You gave him another chance because you're a good person and he blew it. Him. Not you. I think it's maybe time to invoke the baseball rule now though.

    Absolutely this will be the case. When I found out after a year or so of meeting him that he'd been seeing his ex the whole time it was exactly the same (only that time, I was the new other woman). In my defence though I did not have a clue at that point about his ex, whereas it's clear this woman knew all about me. Not that that matters, it's him who owes me something, not her.

    He really is very predictable! He runs a relationship into the ground, starts another one straight away, decides his ex is the best thing since sliced bread, goes hell for leather to win ex back, continues seeing new person, seems amazed when it all blows up in his face. He's been repeating this pattern his entire life and I feel genuinely sorry for him that he can't see that.

    At least I got to see out a full cycle.... from new person who thought it was worth fighting for (and believe me, I fought those first few years when he was seeing his ex the whole time, I would not walk away - I guess I was a complete nutter), right through to jaded ex who finally realises it's not worth it and the replacement is welcome to him.
  • Georgiegirl256
    Georgiegirl256 Posts: 7,005 Forumite
    edited 15 August 2016 at 2:41PM
    ((((Tea)))) Of course we're not disappointed or angry with you, and for what it's worth, I think it was worth giving it another shot as you'd have always been wondering what if if you hadn't. I had a feeling that you might be seeing him again (same reason as Calley said), but obviously never mentioned it, as that is your business and yours alone, and I would have done the same thing and not told anyone. You had to see if you were justified in giving him another chance before letting everyone know that you were back together. It would have been a lot of pressure on you if you'd told your parents/sister I think.

    It's very unfair of him to turn that around back on you by saying he didn't know where he stood. Surely he could understand your reasoning why? Seems like you say just clutching at straws and looking for a reason why he did what he did.

    How do things stand at the moment then?

    ((((Lambyr)))) the pain you get when you've got earache/toothache is miserable, you have my sympathies. :( Have you thought it might be a tooth abscess?

    Edit: I'm so easily distracted, in the time it took me to write this post, the thread has moved on so fast....goes to catch up!
  • You did get to see the full cycle tea, the first time you spoke about him I thought his behaviour was horrific, this time I am more inclined to roll my eyes at him and think what an idiot he truly is. He is stuck in a pattern and will probably stay in it until he is too old to do it anymore. He is boring really, same thing everytime over and over again. Did I mention coward, too? Such a coward.
    Until one has loved an animal a part of one's soul remains unawakened - Anatole France

    If I knew that the world would end tomorrow, I would still plant apple trees today - Martin Luther King
  • calleyw
    calleyw Posts: 9,822
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    Tea,

    I am just sorry you had to go through it for so long.

    Walk away with your head held high. Don't hate him, feel sorry and pity him.

    You can do so much better. Hard to believe that the time with him was not wasted but a lesson learned.

    (((((Tea)))))

    Yours

    Calley
    Hope for everything and expect nothing!!!

    Good enough is almost always good enough -Prof Barry Schwartz

    If it scares you, it might be a good thing to try -Seth Godin
  • Lambyr
    Lambyr Posts: 437
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    Hey ono. Can't change GPs. None of the local ones are accepting new patients right now. The local NHS services are in a bit of a state. I'm thankful we still have the walk-in clinic.

    Hi Code. Can't take ibuprofen due to other problems. I'm planning to beg the staff at the clinic for something a bit more potent than paracetamol but if they can't give me anything, then I'll probably try and get some co-codamol from the pharmacy instead. I just really don't like the inquisition they give you when buying co-codamol!

    Hi Georgie. I don't think it's a dental abscess... at least none of the symptoms really match with what the NHS Choices website lists for a dental abscess. Plus I can definitely feel something that feels like a blockage in my ear and that really does feel like where the pain is radiating from - although I do suppose it could be referred pain. I guess we'll find out later - if the clinic staff can't find anything wrong with my ear or gland then I'll have to book a dentist appointment.
    She would always like to say,
    Why change the past when you can own this day?
  • tea_lover
    tea_lover Posts: 8,261 Forumite
    How do things stand at the moment then?

    Last time I spoke to him was Saturday morning when he collared me in the street. Obviously I went home pretty sharpish on Friday night after finding out and wouldn't answer the door/phone after that. When I saw him on sat I made it very clear that final chance meant just that, and that he couldn't have blown it more spectacularly if he'd tried.

    I've had some long messages since offering the world, trying to explain.... same old. Haven't heard anything today so hopefully he's got the message.

    I did have to speak to his mum on Saturday which is obviously less than ideal, but he'd turned up at my house and was following me again, demanding I listen and it was either call her or call the police. She is SO angry with him. She'd been so pleased we were sorting things out, not least because she'd been on suicide watch with him all over Christmas and January. She told me he was telling her a couple of weeks ago how well it was going, that we were going to get married, that he was so happy.... and the whole time he was hedging his bets again. She is not impressed with him, to say the least.
  • I dated a similar guy once, tea. I ended it when I found out not only was he married for the second time after cheating on his first wife, he also had a girlfriend. I was 3rd in line! Last I heard he was on his 5th marriage and was separated. People like that just keep doing the same thing over and over, if anything I pity the guy now. He has been doing this for over 30 years. Very likely FOH will be the same, people like that just don't learn from their mistakes because they always blame someone else.
    Until one has loved an animal a part of one's soul remains unawakened - Anatole France

    If I knew that the world would end tomorrow, I would still plant apple trees today - Martin Luther King
  • tea_lover
    tea_lover Posts: 8,261 Forumite
    That's it exactly WaS. He just cannot see that they are his mistakes, so he never learns from them.

    Not that I've been the quickest learner here either!

    Even the huge messages I've had over the weekend are the same as ever - it's all "I'm devastated", "I feel so awful" and so on..... the use of I must be in double figures..... which I think says it all!
  • calleyw
    calleyw Posts: 9,822
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    Tea,

    When a cheater gets caught out they always try and explain it such detail. They think it makes you believe them even more.

    Seriously you are well shot of him. If he tries to contact you, blank him. You can't be responsible for his behavior. If he really loved you he would not have messed you about and lied to you.

    I know its easy for people to say but don't let him control your life or live in your head rent free.But please try not to. I now know 4 blokes who have allowed this and wont move on with another relationship because of what their ex's did to them. Rather than go in to it with an open mind. They just wont let go of it. And they are all really nice blokes and I just think its a shame that they wont let someone in.

    And don't feel bad if you feel really crappy. You are allowed to. But none of it was your fault. ok?

    My husband was once told by a counselor after his stroke that he needed to grieve for the old life and then start to live in the new. And I think you need to grieve for the old relationship but then move on to a new life.

    Sorry that turned in to a bit of an essay.

    Still massive (((((Tea)))))

    Yours

    Calley
    Hope for everything and expect nothing!!!

    Good enough is almost always good enough -Prof Barry Schwartz

    If it scares you, it might be a good thing to try -Seth Godin
  • Don't blame yourself tea, you needed to let the whole scenario play out before you knew you should let go, now you don't have any what-if's. You know he is stuck in a pattern and will cheat, then tell you he is devastated when you walk away and fight to get you back and then cheat again. He has proved it now so you can walk away with your head held high knowing you did all you could. This is HIS problem and one he will never solve until he stops blaming the world and takes some responsibility for his own behaviour. Going on the past this seems unlikely to say the least and you know that for sure now.
    Until one has loved an animal a part of one's soul remains unawakened - Anatole France

    If I knew that the world would end tomorrow, I would still plant apple trees today - Martin Luther King
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