That's the Kirsty we know and love...not just fitting back into her jeans straight away, but also defending her spreadsheets like she would her newborn child!

I'd be more worried if it were the other way round at this point. Enjoy! Give him an extra snuggle for me!

I am awful at updating! I just want to spend my days holding the baby. OH has him at the moment while I update the spreadsheets. I love seeing them together but I do miss my cuddles whenever anyone else has hold of him!

Midwife checked my stitches last week and said they seemed to be healing ok, so that was a relief. Still a bit sore but I am getting better We couldn't be discharged from the midwife as donut hasn't regained his weight and was 4% under his birthweight so we are back there this afternoon to hopefully be discharged. He slept for 5 hours 40 minutes last night though, completely skipped a bottle and I slept through as well so I've been guilt tripping myself all morning about starving him

We managed to arrange an extra week off for OH. It is unpaid and will mean some belt tightening but I think time as a family outweighs money everytime, as long as we don't get into debt for it.

I thought I was doing quite well with the hormones but our health visitor came out on Monday and made the mistake of asking me how I was - I ended up on the floor crying onto donuts face because breastfeeding isn't going well because of his tongue tie which should have been referred before now but hasn't been for some reason I feel like I;m failing him. I'm spending hours pumping so he is still getting breast milk but I can't cuddle him while I'm pumping and I feel like a milking cow!

We have now been referred and have a breastfeeding support team coming out this afternoon so fingers crossed this will get us on the right track.

Not very MSE or debt free related this diary these days is it?! I will get back on that track soon, promise!

I have transferred what I think is the right amount into our savings from this months pay, but I wasn't provided with a payment schedule for mat leave so it's a bit of educated guesswork... fingers crossed it's right!

You're not starting him if he sleeps a little longer at night he'll wake when he needs fed xx

Hormones are horrible things........glad he's been referred for his tongue tie hope you aren't waiting too long xx

Aww Kirsty, big hugs, try not to worry about the breastfeeding. I just found it wasn't for me, my milk took too long to come in & DS was a starver always wanting fed. I only did a bit of BF morning & evening for the first week or two but he was mostly on formula milk from day 4! I had to express as well & the pumping is not fun.

The only important thing is that he's being fed & that you're happy with what you're doing - you're not failing him! There's a lot of pressure to BF but some women/babies struggle with it, it's not as easy as it's made out to be & I found it was too much on top of everything else.

I take my hat off to the women who struggle & persevere but I needed to stop for my own sake. DS was & is perfectly fine on formula milk so I really think I made the right decision for me. I think that's the key Kirsty - you need to make the right decision for you.

Hope the BF support team are helpful to you.

Thanks Abba - I'm happy with him having extra milk during the day and sleeping longer at night but the midwives scared the life out of me - isn't it funny how the advice doesn't really sink in when you are telling it to other people, but it's horrible to be on the receiving end of it!

Thanks Sashy - he's been topped up with formula since day 3 and he took to it fine so I've decided that once his tongue tie is sorted I will give it a week of my absolute best and then if we still aren't getting anywhere I will probably move to mostly formula with 1 or 2 expressed breastmilk bottles per day. I refuse to let myself get into a state about it any more than I already have, and feeling like a milking cow isn't my favourite feeling. I don't feel like I'm enjoying him as much as I want to while I'm attached to the pump.

Your baby will be fine whatever you choose to feed him.

I breast fed my first DD with no problem but second was a nightmare in not settling to feed and feeding every hour. Looking back I think she was just sucking for comfort and not actually taking that much milk but my elder DD who was only 18 months at the time really resented the amount of time I spent feeding her sister and I felt like a milking cow. I stopped at about 6 weeks.

My DD tried initially to feed her first DD who was born early but she struggled to suck and they weren't sure how much she was getting so they quickly moved to formula. She is going to be formula feeding her second DD due in a few weeks time from the start.

I would not have woken your DS up either after 5 hours. If he is hungry he will wake. Mine used to cluster feed in the evening from only a week or so old and then sleep around 6 hours.

Omg Kirsty!!! You’ve had a baby!!!

I haven’t been on here in so long (you probably don’t remember me) but I popped on earlier and saw your diary again, and saw you have a baby donut!!!! I remember the struggles you had before so this is amazing news and I’m so so happy for you!!! I’ve read your pregnancy journey and jeez, didn’t you have it rough?! I had gestational diabetes too with my first. Not fun! Neither is SPD. Or stitches. Still, totally worth it and I’m jealous of the newborn snugs you’re having as my youngest turns 3 next week and is nowhere near a baby any more!!

Also well done on clearing all that debt!!!! What an amazing achievement!!! So happy for you and will make sure to come on here more regularly so I can read your updates

Big hugs!!!! xxxxxxxxx

Just catching up on diaries. Really looked forward to reading yours - I've bee AWOL since November.

Huge CONGRATULATIONS on the birth of your bundle of joy.

Re. the breastfeeding and tongue tie saga - you have not failed him and are not failing him. The healthcare system that were supposed to check and refer for this failed you.

Both my children had Tongue tie. Took until my eldest was 5 weeks for it to be snipped I'd persevered up to that point, crying at every feed. But it was a dream after that. Second time round I knew what to look for and made sure the referral was made in hospital and she had her snipped at 10 days old.

Whatever you decide to do with feeding, you are not a failure x

Hi Kirsty!

A non-mum's tuppenceworth here...

I hope the tongue-tied situation gets resolved soon and that everything works out well on the breastfeeding front once it is sorted BUT (and it's a big one)..

...if it doesn't, DON'T BEAT YOURSELF UP ABOUT IT!

Don't get me wrong, I know that you want to breastfeed cos it's best for baby (passive immunity etc.) and good for bonding with him (and also burns numerous amount of calories on the side - bonus!) but as one of the last of my friendship group to have children, I have seen the immense pressure that new mums are made to feel about breast feeding and the haunted looks in their guilt-filled eyes as though they have failed their children for the rest of their lives if it doesn't work out.

If it does - great. If it doesn't, or if your child needs a bottle to top-up (as my brother did), just crack open the bottles of baby champers. It's not the end of the world and it's what's best for your baby (being fed) and honestly, I'm not a mum and have no intentions of becoming one in the foreseeable future, but I'm getting sick of the Mammary Militia and all the unnecessary guilt they are causing really good mums (however unintended). Apart from the passive immunity, formulas are a pretty near substitute nowadays.

So there. If you ever felt required to have permission to get a bottle of formula out over breast feeding, print this out and stick it on the fridge.

And watch for that haunted look in the eyes of your new mum friends and tell them that it's OK for them to do the same. It really is.

Thank you so much everyone! If ever I needed to read the 'it's ok' posts, today is that day! I am really struggling tonight - we went out for a drink with OHs brother and sister in law and then for something to eat and I couldn't pump while we were out so my boobs felt like they were going to explode when we got back to the car - tried to latch donut on as he was hungry but I was so swollen he couldn't get his mouth round! I sat in the back of the car crying silent tears while OH drove us home. Managed to keep donut calm on the way home and gave him a bottle of expressed milk I had in the fridge and he has slept ever since.

I think a big part of my meltdown is that OH goes back to work tomorrow and I am having palpitations about fitting everything in! He made a point of saying that he knows I will be doing the equivalent of a full time job with the baby and we will split the other chores between us of an evening or weekend, which I'm relieved about I'll do whatever I can house wise during the day but I was worried that he would come home expecting dinner on the table and a spotless house, which is much easier said than done when donut feeds every 2-3 hours and then I have to pump, so between feeding, burping, getting to sleep and then pumping, by the time I finish, it's time to start again

OH sat down and had a chat with me about the breastfeeding issue yesterday too. He basically said he's proud of me no matter what and donut is a content baby who is gaining weight so whatever we decide to do, it is the best decision for my peace of mind, and in turn, donut who will benefit from a non stressed mummy. I'm going to have a think but I was ridiculously proud that we got through yesterday with only 1 formula bottle when usually he would have had every other feed as formula so I don't think I'm ready to completely give up on BF just yet.... I can only hope that if we get the tongue tie sorted, breastfeeding properly will become easier because honestly it is the pumping that is soul destroying rather than breastfeeding!

Wow that was a lot of boob related drivel there

Thanks es, I feel like if he wants to sleep for 4.5/5 hours then he can, he would soon let me know if he was hungry! It's not every night, he was up every 3 hours night before last then last night slept for 5 solid hours

loopybecs did you have GD again in your next pregnancy? I'm nowhere near letting OH near me just yet, but I want to be fully informed when the time comes to try again (am I mad for thinking about this already?! ) and one of OHs concerns is the hyperemesis and GD will return and it will be even more difficult because we will also have donut to look after.

Mummybear, was having the tongue tie snipped awful? We have to decide what to do and everytime I think about it I end up in tears, I'm scared it will hurt him lots and then won't make any difference

Thank you PB, you are so right about the pressure! I haven't had any from my family. just a few friends but it has been both ways. In fact 2 friends bottle fed and they keep telling me just to quit because formula os better anyway which I'm also finding annoying, it would be nice if some of my RL friends could just say what you have said rather than making me feel like I'm ridiculous either way I choose to go I'm happy with topping him up with formula if I can't give him enough to keep him satisfied, I would just like to get him onto the breast properly for a variety of reasons (passive immunity being the main one), but financially I would rather give him what I can produce for free rather than pay out for expensive formula, and the calorie burning hasn't missed my notice with being bridesmaid for my sister in a miniature dress in November, I need all the help I can get!!

Wish me luck for tomorrow. I know I'll survive but thriving would be preferable! xx

My consultant told me that I was 99% likely to get GD in any future pregnancies, but I didn't! I was tested 3 times with my youngest and didn't get it. Also I have a friend who had HG with her first but didn't with the other 2 I think it's down to luck a lot of the time. Saying that, if you're able to wait until Donut is in nursery/pre-school or whatever childcare you're planning for him then I'd definitely advise waiting until then before ttc the next. There's less than 2 years between my girls and the pregnancy was hard with a young toddler to look after! At least when she was in nursery I could have a break and just feel sorry for myself

I'm really sorry that you're struggling tonight. Donut will definitely benefit from a non-stressed mummy I agree, so you need to do what is right for you. Everyone has different opinions on BF and FF, but it's you feeding him, not them. Being a mum is not easy especially the first time round. I remember it too well. Be kind to yourself lovely xxx

Ah that makes me feel better! I actually gave birth weighing 4kgs less than I was when I got pregnant so the GD wasn't all bad for me 20 days post birth and I'm 14kgs less than I was pre-pregnancy, I can get into clothes I haven't been able to wear for years!

We have discussed it and would want to wait until donut is 2.5 until we try again so he will be at nursery and have his free hours by the time new baby arrives, but it will be dependant on what the docs say about the endometriosis and PCOS now I don't have the luxury of pregnancy masking the symptoms! I'm not due to see my gynae for another 6 months so hopefully the pregnancy has had a good effect on the issues
My sister is struggling at 32 weeks pregnant with an 18 month old and she's had a fairly easy pregnancy so I can't imagine HG/GD/SPD and a toddler xx

Congratulations on the arrival of Donut! Sorry I am late to the party but I have not had much MSE time lately.

I desperately wanted to breast feed DS and managed a week and a half with formula top up but as he was getting more blood than milk the midwife convinced me to stop. He is a healthy, bright, strapping almost 8 year old now with a healthy appetite who will eat a wide range of foods.

I know it feels awful if you have to stop but you have tried your best and you have to do what is best for you and baby whether that is continuing to do what you can or moving on to formula.

Your poor sis. When I was 32 weeks pregnant my eldest was 21 months. I had SPD, insomnia, and genuinely feeling rubbish & yeh it was really hard. All worth it though Just kept telling myself it was only temporary! Will never forget having to walk half a mile carting a huge bottle of milk and picking up my daughter whilst being 8 months pregnant though The monkey didn’t want to walk!

Wow on the weight loss!!! I put on 4.5 stone with mine lost it though thank god Well done!!

Fingers crossed that pregnancy has had a good effect on the endo and pcos

It is definitely worse for parents. They generally do it in another room where you're not present. Baby does cry but who wouldn't with gloved fingers prodding the inside of your mouth. I believe there are no nerve endings under the tongue until around 16 weeks of age so they don't actually feel the snip.

There will be a bit of blood. You'll be encouraged to feed straight away - which I've always found to be a heck of a lot easier when snipped. The bleeding will stop very quickly as does the babies tears.

Turns out both me and DH are tongue tie which explains why our mums struggled feeding us.

In some cases the tongue tied reattaches - so that is something to think about.

All the best with what ever decision you make x

Hun end of day you do whats best for you, you will know the decision and that will be right so dont beat yourself up <3

Hi Kirsty,

Discovered your diary after I joined MSE about 10 days ago and have just finished reading the last post.

Wanted to drop by and say 'Hi' It certainly has been an emotional and hugely successful almost three years for you and I wanted to offer my congratulations on being debt free (besides the joint debt) and more importantly, on achieving your goal of being a mum. I have a friend who suffered terribly with endo for many years and was told she would never have kids. Thankfully, the doctors got it wrong and she has an adorable boy and girl now. Delighted for her, as she is a great mum and delighted for you now also

I'm starting out on the debt busting this month and, although I half-expected this to be another half-arsed attempt by me (one of many over the years), I'm inspired by your story and your love of spreadsheets; so much so that I spent an hour last night setting up one of my own.

I'm also intrigued by PAD and have found the thread here on MSE - I've gone through some of it already and it's very informative and helpful. Like you, I love round figures so the whole PADing thing is really appealing to me.

Keep up the good work, and enjoy every minute of your maternity leave. The years go by so quickly.

Scooby

I've been rubbish at updating again in my defence it has been a busy and quite rough few days!

Thank you so much with persevering with my rather long diary scooby! I wish you all the best with your debt payments, PADing really does make all the difference. It was invaluable for me, and the PADers are a lovely bunch who will encourage you all the way

Went for donuts tongue tie consultation on Thursday and I expected to be able to talk it through with OH then book the appt but they were all set to do it there and then the specialist had a look and a feel and it was much worse than we were originally told - he couldn't move his tongue from side to side at all, couldn't stick it out past his gums and had no undulation movement of the tongue to get the milk - no wonder the poor mite hasn't been going on the boob, he must have been starving for the first few days!
I'm still not over it - I had to hold him down and hold his mouth open while they did the procedure which was over quickly and felt like a hard pinch to him according to the specialist - he was inconsolable for 5 minutes and wouldn't entertain eating even from a bottle. I was in bits and am still feeling so guilty. I know it was for the best but he has been really unsettled since. I was told to expect it as he is getting used to being able to move his tongue for the first time but my happy baby has changed to one who cries constantly, even in his sleep.
We have had a breastfeeding breakthrough today though, he has fed from me for all feeds apart from 2 expressed bottle feeds. Cluster feeding isn't much fun but it's what he wants and needs so it's what I'll do

Not much MSE news going on here, more fire fighting with lack of sleep and I've got a cold and throat infection so everything hurts which makes the lack of sleep seem worse. Fingers crossed I get my happy baby back soon xx

Aww poor donut & poor you, Kirsty. That doesn't sound nice at all but as you said it's for the best. Don't feel guilty, once he's recovered he won't remember it & it will make things much easier for both of you - better now than when he's bigger.

Hope you get some sleep & feel better soon.

Ooh, that does sound rubbish, Kirsty, but at least it's done now.

In some ways, doing it there and then was a kindness to you - it stopped you having extra time to work yourself up about it.

I hope things are settling down for you now.

Big hugs.