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  • FIRST POST
    FunWithFlags
    Would you pay to go to a wedding?
    • #1
    • 5th Sep 12, 3:14 PM
    Would you pay to go to a wedding? 5th Sep 12 at 3:14 PM
    Recently we were invited to a family member's wedding. The evening do is at the local rugby club and there's going to be either a buffet or a set meal, bride hasn't decided yet. One of her deciding factors is cost. The budget for the wedding is a couple of thousand and the venue cost has eaten the rest of the money up. As a result, the bride has told us she is considering asking each guest to pay for their meal which (if I remember correctly lol) is about 15 a head if she chooses a set menu meal or 8 a head for a buffet setting. I was quite surprised and admit I feel a little disgruntled that to go to the wedding we would be expected to fork out 30 on top of the wedding gift. Part of me feels like 30 is not much in the grand scheme of things to be part of someones special day but the other part of me feels like it's a bit cheeky! [ETA: 30 covers nearly two weeks food for us on a good fortnight lol!] I don't expect to be fed at the wedding so would not have been bothered if there wasn't any food but I feel a little annoyed that we are expected to contribute (in a manner) to their wedding budget when they have already begged money off family for the initial budget and then still overspent.

    In comparison, another family member has just sent out her invites to us all and is having a much lower key venue for the reception and has said meals are provided and gifts are nice but not a must (still getting one though). I'm rambling now (always do that!) but I think I'm trying to say I feel a bit annoyed that the first bride is expecting us to subsidise her dream wedding iyswim.

    It has got me wondering though if this is a normal request with weddings now that I didn't know about and also got me wanting to ask, would you pay to go to a wedding?

    EDIT/UPDATE: This isn't officially confirmed yet from the horse's mouth but the latest news from bride's dad is that the bride has decided to select the set menu but rather than the cheaper 15 a head option, has plumped for the 18 a head option which is kind of her(!). No clue yet as to how she is going to ask everybody for the money since invitations have already gone out. OH is convinced she will ask everyone on the day and act like it was left off the invitation but I really don't think anyone can be that stupid so don't really know how she's going to manage to get the money off the guests. OH also mentioned to bride's dad that it's unlikely that we would be able to afford it and was bluntly told "well, you'll just have to". My brain just can't compute it anymore haha!

    As an aside, I really hope she doesn't go on MSE and work out this is about her!
    Last edited by FunWithFlags; 08-09-2012 at 4:06 PM. Reason: Update
Page 1
    • tea lover
    • By tea lover 5th Sep 12, 3:20 PM
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    tea lover
    • #2
    • 5th Sep 12, 3:20 PM
    • #2
    • 5th Sep 12, 3:20 PM
    In those circumstances I'd be a bit miffed too. Weddings certainly don't need to cost the earth and if they can't afford a big do then they shouldn't plan one, imho. It's possible to have beautiful, elegant, memorable, weddings on a small budget.

    Some friends of mine had a registry office wedding then a few of us went to a local pub for a meal, all very low key. We paid for our own meals there but it was arranged in advance, we had the choice of what to eat, etc. I was more than happy with that, but would feel a bit taken advantage of if I had to pay for a posh sit-down affair at a rugby club.
    • Idiophreak
    • By Idiophreak 5th Sep 12, 3:24 PM
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    Idiophreak
    • #3
    • 5th Sep 12, 3:24 PM
    • #3
    • 5th Sep 12, 3:24 PM
    It's not normal and I, personally, don't think it's very cool. But I'd probably pay and go anyway.
    • browneyedbazzi
    • By browneyedbazzi 5th Sep 12, 3:28 PM
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    browneyedbazzi
    • #4
    • 5th Sep 12, 3:28 PM
    • #4
    • 5th Sep 12, 3:28 PM
    I think it's a bit cheeky to expect your guests to pay for the catering and to expect gifts!

    Whether I would pay/go or not would really depend on my relationship with the couple. If we weren't close then I'd probably rsvp saying I couldn't make it. If it was a good friend or close family member then we'd probably go but may not be as generous with a gift as we otherwise would have been.
    • Haxo
    • By Haxo 5th Sep 12, 3:29 PM
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    Haxo
    • #5
    • 5th Sep 12, 3:29 PM
    • #5
    • 5th Sep 12, 3:29 PM
    I don't think it's normal either.
    I'd probably still go, but I'd be tempted to offset the 16 or 30 by buying them a cheaper present than planned.
    I generally lurk :0)
    • Faith177
    • By Faith177 5th Sep 12, 3:35 PM
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    Faith177
    • #6
    • 5th Sep 12, 3:35 PM
    • #6
    • 5th Sep 12, 3:35 PM
    I would only go if I really cared about the couple.

    As someone else said if you can't afford it don't have it. Delay the wedding a few months until you can afford it.

    Some "friends" did this to us a few years back a month before the wedding they realised they could afford the reception hall deposit so everyone had to do a whip round to bail them out.
    First Date 08/11/2008, Moved In Together 01/06/2009, Engaged 01/01/10, Wedding Date 27/04/2013

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    • lovinituk
    • By lovinituk 5th Sep 12, 3:40 PM
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    lovinituk
    • #7
    • 5th Sep 12, 3:40 PM
    • #7
    • 5th Sep 12, 3:40 PM
    I would pay for the meal and then tell them that's their wedding gift!!

    To be honest, if they can't afford the wedding they want, they should postpone it and re-organise when they have saved up enough. Its blooming cheeky, in my opinion, to get the guests to cover the shortfall in their finances!
  • partialycloudy
    • #8
    • 5th Sep 12, 3:48 PM
    • #8
    • 5th Sep 12, 3:48 PM
    Some friends of friends of ours did this! and I thought it was very cheeky!
    I personally wouldn't go, as you paying for there wedding! And what if you don't like the food they supply or you do not think it is worth the amount you have paid. I would also be paranoid that they could over charge per head to recoup some other cash spent on other wedding bits and pieces - but thats just me!
    • GobbledyGook
    • By GobbledyGook 5th Sep 12, 3:49 PM
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    GobbledyGook
    • #9
    • 5th Sep 12, 3:49 PM
    • #9
    • 5th Sep 12, 3:49 PM
    I would probably go if I was close to them, but I'd give them cash as a gift to cover the meal and gift and I wouldn't spend more than I normally would on a gift.

    Tbh I'd also think much less of them as a result. If you can't afford a meal then (imo) you either invite less guests, have no meal or save for longer. If you want to marry sooner then you have the wedding that your funds allow. I think asking guests to pay for their own meal (other than a 'we're getting hitched on X and heading to Y for a meal after if anyone wants to join us' casual pub meal type thing) is rude.

    If you want a specific wedding then you pay for that wedding. If you can't afford it then you don't have it imo.

    I've only ever paid towards a wedding twice. Once was a very casual invitation to the wedding of friends who were marrying in a low-key ceremony and going for a pub meal after (and they specifically asked for no gifts) and the second was a couple who were both made redundant unexpectedly (they worked for the same company and turned up to find it locked up one Monday morning) 12 weeks before their big day. They were so immensely grateful to people for chipping in, but again were insistent that there was no gifts given on top.
  • lemondropp
    There really is no need to spend thousands on getting married, it's quite ridiculous.
    • LEJC
    • By LEJC 5th Sep 12, 3:58 PM
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    LEJC
    Whilst I wouldn't go as far to admit its "normal" to ask for a contribution to the meal...its not as far fetched a senario as some would imagine...

    personally I wouldnt do it but it is an idea that has been mooted by some of the brides on occaision on the weddings thread here...and usually with fairly positive responses,many being along the lines of "we dont want a gift but would like you to help us celebrate...." type thing

    I f you feel you dont want to attend then you are quite at liberty to decline the invite, just because you've received the invitation does not mean you must attend.

    I think perhaps its a tradition thing that there are certain things that people expect when they go to a wedding...you say you wouldnt have minded not having any meal,and thats your view, however the next guest may think that a meal is an important part and should be included....it also rasies the debate if your paying for rhe meal,should you buy a gift....personally I probably wouldnt,i'd just give a card....

    There are many couples now who rather than gifts ask for a cash contribution to their home or their honeymoon...in some ways whats the difference in asking you to pay for your meal?....im not playing devils advocate here...probably more trying to highlight that the "traditional wedding" is not always the way things are approached nowadays and sometimes us oldies need to move with the times and either embrace the invite in the spirt it was sent or politely decline so as to not cause offence.
    Last edited by LEJC; 05-09-2012 at 4:20 PM.
    • Mrs.W
    • By Mrs.W 5th Sep 12, 4:05 PM
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    Mrs.W
    Oh dear, the soon-to-be happy couple haven't budgeted very well. Asking for a 'top-up' payment from guests could mean their wedding is talked about for years to come - for all the wrong reasons!

    Wouldn't they be better off rounding up and organising the Mothers, Aunties, Sisters and anyone else handy in the kitchen, to make a cold buffet tea? Cakes can be made days beforehand and frozen, the same for many other things, and the food would be a darn sight better quality than the gubbins the venue could provide.

    Have they asked the venue about taking in their own food? But paying a small premium for use of the venue's plates and cutlery?

    If they want to take their own drink, corkage is something else to ask about.

    Hoping all goes well for all involved!
    • ringo_24601
    • By ringo_24601 5th Sep 12, 4:08 PM
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    ringo_24601
    There really is no need to spend thousands on getting married, it's quite ridiculous.
    Originally posted by lemondropp
    Of course not. But if you also intend to have a party to celebrate this occasion (i.e. a wedding meal) then you should under no circumstances expect your guests to pay.

    Can't afford a wedding meal? Don't have one
    • azzabazza
    • By azzabazza 5th Sep 12, 4:15 PM
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    azzabazza
    I wouldn't be happy to pay for the meal. I also dislike the card in the invitation which invites us to contribute towards the honeymoon!
    • totallybored
    • By totallybored 5th Sep 12, 4:16 PM
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    totallybored
    Is it just the evening do you're invited to or the full ceremony and reception? If its just the evening do its incredibly cheeky.

    I now decline evening do invites as I dont find them particularly enjoyable. I send a 30 gift voucher and RSVP I can't make it. I also prefer to decline wedding invites if it means a day off work, an overnight stay, a long car journey or flight or a combination of these. I'll send 50 or a voucher instead.
    • Tiddlywinks
    • By Tiddlywinks 5th Sep 12, 4:17 PM
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    Tiddlywinks
    Once upon a time - before every bride had to outdo the last - if you had a limited budget then you hired the local community centre, set out some tables and had a buffet with cardboard plates and plastic tablecloths. Friends and family could offer to help with bringing stuff but that was as much contribution as was needed.

    When did everything get to be about image?

    Surely the most important thing on the day is that the bride and groom get married - in the presence of people who care about them and wish them well.

    No massive gift lists held at John Lewis, no gimmicks for 'favours', no asking for money etc Just an invite saying 'we're getting married, come and join us, no need to feel guilty about the pressie or whatever, we just want you there because we want you to share our day'?
  • NewKittenHelp
    I'd probably not go if the potential fall out was minor. I certainly would think much less of them, probably to the extent of cutting them out of my life as much as possible.

    If they cannot afford the wedding that they want then they either save up for it, or they scale their aspirations back to what they can afford. They shouldn't be charging their 'guests' to pay!
  • Dotty1
    It already costs to go to a wedding - petrol, outfit, present, sometimes hotel costs etc. It can run into hundreds.

    It's really not fair on the guests.
  • NewKittenHelp
    I wouldn't be happy to pay for the meal. I also dislike the card in the invitation which invites us to contribute towards the honeymoon!
    Originally posted by azzabazza
    I love that! I'd much rather do that than have to traipse around the shops looking for the perfect gift for two people. Which doesn't exist btw. It never exists. It never sodding exists and apparently people still think it's rude to register at a shop - it's not. It's helpful to people like me who would rather buy you something that you want and you'll get use out of, rather than some annoying 'joint' present that will be stuck in a cupboard for ever more because no one wants it and no one, save for the terminally bland, ever wants to live in a house furnished by other people in some sick crowd sourcing esque experiment with throw pillows and cutlery! /rant
    • lovinituk
    • By lovinituk 5th Sep 12, 4:27 PM
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    lovinituk
    Once upon a time - before every bride had to outdo the last - if you had a limited budget then you hired the local community centre, set out some tables and had a buffet with cardboard plates and plastic tablecloths. Friends and family could offer to help with bringing stuff but that was as much contribution as was needed.

    When did everything get to be about image?

    Surely the most important thing on the day is that the bride and groom get married - in the presence of people who care about them and wish them well.

    No massive gift lists held at John Lewis, no gimmicks for 'favours', no asking for money etc Just an invite saying 'we're getting married, come and join us, no need to feel guilty about the pressie or whatever, we just want you there because we want you to share our day'?
    Originally posted by Tiddlywinks
    That's pretty much how we did ours 4 years ago!
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