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  • FIRST POST
    • seven-day-weekend
    • By seven-day-weekend 26th Mar 12, 8:42 PM
    • 30,587Posts
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    seven-day-weekend
    Birth Mother
    • #1
    • 26th Mar 12, 8:42 PM
    Birth Mother 26th Mar 12 at 8:42 PM
    I was reading some old threads on MSE the other day and in one was a link to a site where adopted people could put in details of anyone they wanted to find. Just on a whim, I put in the few details I had of my birth mother. I was adopted as a baby in 1950.

    Anyway, I think I have found her! We have an address and a phone number.

    I'm pretty sure I have the right person, she is still alive and in her 80s. She had no more children and her husband has died.

    Not sure what to do next, but as my husband says, she is an old lady, so don't let time take the decision out of my hands.
    At the very least I would like her to know that I have had a happy upbringing, a happy marriage of forty years (I have been married longer than she has!), that I understand totally why she had me adopted and that she has a grandson aged 32. Also that I am a Christian, as it was important to her for me to be brought up C of E (my adoptive family were non-believers). If that's all that happens, that's OK.

    My husband says he might ring her up. He is very sensitive and tactful and good at reading situations. I don't mind if he does this. I'm aware she might not want to know, but would like to give her the chance. I would not have a problem with it if she didn't , I would understand.

    Dazed and Confused.....
    Member #10 of 2 savers club
Page 29
    • Greta Sharbo
    • By Greta Sharbo 13th Jan 18, 2:29 AM
    • 180 Posts
    • 197 Thanks
    Greta Sharbo
    I've just found this thread and had to read it all.

    What a wonderful story SDW, thanks for sharing. X
    • ska lover
    • By ska lover 13th Jan 18, 12:40 PM
    • 2,728 Posts
    • 6,638 Thanks
    ska lover
    I've just found this thread and had to read it all.

    What a wonderful story SDW, thanks for sharing. X
    Originally posted by Greta Sharbo
    Same here, just found this thread this morning and sat reading it all

    Thank you Seven Day Weekend for sharing, what a ride of it you have had

    all the very best x
    The opposite of what you know...is also true
    • seven-day-weekend
    • By seven-day-weekend 6th Mar 18, 4:23 AM
    • 30,587 Posts
    • 57,782 Thanks
    seven-day-weekend
    I have an unusual and unexpected update.

    Some of you may remember that I while ago I did an Ancestry DNA test. It came up with general information about what regions were in my DNA, etc.

    A few weeks ago I was just looking at my results again and I noticed there was a match for a second cousin come up. I contacted her and we exchanged emails.

    Anyway, it turns out that this match has to be from my birth FATHER's side. I know nothing at all about him, not even his name. My second cousin has sent me some names of people who are her uncles and aunts and cousins and there is one name on that list who is the right age to be my birth father. He is now deceased, but he has a son, a few years younger than me, who if the man is my father, is my half brother .

    I am reluctant to pursue this at the moment because of my birth mother, she so obviously does not want to talk about the man who is my birth father, I have asked her a couple of times what his name is but she has evaded the question each time.

    I am going to meet my second cousin at some point, just for informal coffee and chat, so we will just see what, if anything develops. I won't push it, but I will just keep the names she has given me in case I can do anything about it in the future.

    On a brighter note, my mother is 90 in a couple of weeks and we are going out for lunch, I am going to get her some balloons and cakes and there will be my son and his partner and other family connections there. She will love it!!
    Last edited by seven-day-weekend; 06-03-2018 at 4:28 AM.
    • hazyjo
    • By hazyjo 6th Mar 18, 9:28 AM
    • 10,514 Posts
    • 13,679 Thanks
    hazyjo
    Aww gave me goosebumps Lovely news. Debating whether to do the Ancestry DNA one myself to see what comes up (also adopted). Not sure if I'm ready to go there just yet... Which one did you use? Ta!


    xx
    2018 wins: Single Malt Whisky; theatre tickets; festival tickets; year of gin(!); shoes
    • seven-day-weekend
    • By seven-day-weekend 6th Mar 18, 10:16 AM
    • 30,587 Posts
    • 57,782 Thanks
    seven-day-weekend
    Aww gave me goosebumps Lovely news. Debating whether to do the Ancestry DNA one myself to see what comes up (also adopted). Not sure if I'm ready to go there just yet... Which one did you use? Ta!


    xx
    Originally posted by hazyjo
    Just the Ancestry DNA Test which was 99 when I did it, I think it is on special offer at the moment.

    Good luck. xxx

    I think it's this one: https://www.ancestry.co.uk/dna/
    • Starrystarrynight1
    • By Starrystarrynight1 6th Mar 18, 11:08 AM
    • 193 Posts
    • 339 Thanks
    Starrystarrynight1
    Thank you so much for updating us, SDW! Have a lovely time with your mother and family for her birthday. xx
    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    I used to be Starrystarrynight on MSE, before a log in technical glitch!
    • Slinky
    • By Slinky 6th Mar 18, 11:26 AM
    • 5,195 Posts
    • 23,992 Thanks
    Slinky
    Good to hear the update SDW. It's always a bit 'heart in the mouth' when I see you've done an update with not knowing what you're posting about.
    • Brighton belle
    • By Brighton belle 6th Mar 18, 12:07 PM
    • 5,116 Posts
    • 25,190 Thanks
    Brighton belle
    Thanks for the update SDW, always enjoy reading about this aspect of your life.
    I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once
    • Spendless
    • By Spendless 6th Mar 18, 7:11 PM
    • 20,142 Posts
    • 33,332 Thanks
    Spendless
    Thanks for the update SDW and I think you're right, meet up with your new found cousin, but don't persue anything else at the minute. You have a lovely relationship with your birth mother. One day the time may come when it's right to investigate further of other relatives.

    Happy 90th birthday to your mother and enjoy the family celebrations.
    • harrys nan
    • By harrys nan 10th Mar 18, 4:00 PM
    • 1,475 Posts
    • 2,949 Thanks
    harrys nan
    Wishing your mum a very Happy 90th Birthday SDW, such a great update yet again.
    I would love you to be able to find out about your dad, but you have a lovely time now with your mum, meet up with your new found relative but keep it to your self.
    Look forward to your next update xx
    Treat other's how you like to be treated.

    Harry born 23/09/2008
    New baby grandson, Louie born 28/06/2012,
    Proud nanny to two beautiful boys
    • seven-day-weekend
    • By seven-day-weekend 10th Mar 18, 5:51 PM
    • 30,587 Posts
    • 57,782 Thanks
    seven-day-weekend
    Thanks everyone, I am meeting my cousin on 4th April for coffee. She lives miles away from me, but is coming to Shrewsbury to visit someone and I can get to Shrewsbury easily enough.

    I think I will leave it there. I don't want to upset my mother.
    Last edited by seven-day-weekend; 10-03-2018 at 5:54 PM.
    • RealGem
    • By RealGem 11th Mar 18, 1:30 AM
    • 264 Posts
    • 118 Thanks
    RealGem
    I'm a newbie on this thread, and I've spent several hours reading most of the posts from the beginning in 2012, and all of yours SDW.

    Wow, what an amazing, heartwarming story! I cried at many parts, such as the lovely warm welcome you got from your birth Mother and Auntie V, and your Mother's account of the mother and baby home, and being forced to give you up. And your adoptive mum seeing a girl crying, as they took you away, and she realised later it was your real mum. Heartbreaking.

    I also read the whole page of other adoption stories you posted here, and that had me in floods too.

    I was adopted too and found my birth mother when I was in my 20s in the 1990s. It was very emotional, and she joked about giving up the anti-depressants now she'd found me. She'd had terrible guilt about being forced to give me up. And she was pleased I kept the name she gave me. She'd heard rumours I'd been given a new name.

    We stayed in touch til her death a few years ago, but she had a hard life, and we weren't as close as I'd hoped. My birth mother was married, but I wasn't her husband's.

    She claims my birth father "wouldn't take no for an answer" and that's how I came to be. Not sure if that's true; it could have been a fling, as she said her husband was a b******! And they split up soon after that. She also told me my birth father died shortly after I was born, then years later she claimed "He lives in London" (far away from where we all live). Hmmm.

    Even if I wanted to find him I only have a first name for him. And if I was conceived the way she claimed, I don't want to find him!

    Did you find it spooky hearing stories of yourself as a baby?

    On my Social Services documents it says on the day of my adoption, I was in the middle of a Tug o' War with my birth mother and a police woman, and that I was very distressed. Thank god I don't remember that!

    I loved my adoptive mother, but I lost her when I was young. But I'm very lucky. I have a wonderful adoptive father who I think of as my real Dad. And my step mum is lovely too, and they are both well in their 70s.

    So happy for you SDW. And so glad you mother is being looked after and doing so well, coming up to 90.

    Thank you for sharing your story

    It's past my bedtime again.
    That means it's Mother's Day!

    Happy Mother's Day to you and your Mother!
    Last edited by RealGem; 11-03-2018 at 2:24 AM.
    People only get upset
    when their expectations are not met.
    • seven-day-weekend
    • By seven-day-weekend 11th Mar 18, 6:37 AM
    • 30,587 Posts
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    seven-day-weekend
    Thank you RealGem. xx

    And Happy Mother's Day to all mothers out there, natural and adoptive, and also to those who have had to give their children up, or have lost children through death.
    • seven-day-weekend
    • By seven-day-weekend 4th May 18, 12:57 PM
    • 30,587 Posts
    • 57,782 Thanks
    seven-day-weekend
    Thanks everyone, I am meeting my cousin on 4th April for coffee. She lives miles away from me, but is coming to Shrewsbury to visit someone and I can get to Shrewsbury easily enough.

    I think I will leave it there. I don't want to upset my mother.
    Originally posted by seven-day-weekend
    I met my cousin, she was great, we got on really well.

    She has tracked down two men (both now deceased). One of them is my natural father but we have no way of finding out which.

    One of them had two daughters, but my cousin has lost touch with them and doesn't know their married names. So no way of tracing them easily.

    The other one has a son. She knew his name, although she has lost touch with him also. I have found him on Facebook

    He is either my half-brother or my cousin. He was born the same year as me.

    I won't do any more about it though, whilst my mother is still with us. It's difficult to know what to do anyway, I can hardly message the guy and say 'hey are you my half-brother?'

    But at least I now have a name for my birth father.
    • harrys nan
    • By harrys nan 4th May 18, 2:01 PM
    • 1,475 Posts
    • 2,949 Thanks
    harrys nan
    Aww, that's great SDW, you have or will gain yet another family member, brother or cousin, it's still family. Could you not contact him via FB but keep it quiet from your mum? Iknow it's not nice having secrets but they are still family.
    Has your mum or aunt ever given you a hint as to your dads' name so you can be sure who is who?
    Treat other's how you like to be treated.

    Harry born 23/09/2008
    New baby grandson, Louie born 28/06/2012,
    Proud nanny to two beautiful boys
    • KxMx
    • By KxMx 4th May 18, 2:05 PM
    • 7,369 Posts
    • 10,615 Thanks
    KxMx
    I think how considerate you are towards birth mum is wonderful.

    But, it is okay to put yourself first here, everyone has a right to know where they come from and if that information is available you shouldn't let anyone stop you.

    For some reason birth mum doesn't want to be honest and open, that is her choice, but you are well withing your rights to bypass that road block and carry on down the road. She never has to know.
    • seven-day-weekend
    • By seven-day-weekend 4th May 18, 2:09 PM
    • 30,587 Posts
    • 57,782 Thanks
    seven-day-weekend
    Aww, that's great SDW, you have or will gain yet another family member, brother or cousin, it's still family. Could you not contact him via FB but keep it quiet from your mum? Iknow it's not nice having secrets but they are still family.
    Has your mum or aunt ever given you a hint as to your dads' name so you can be sure who is who?
    Originally posted by harrys nan
    No, I have no idea, no clues, nothing. I have only asked her a couple of times, it is obviously something she doesn't want to talk about. I think it is too painful and I think she may also feel that she will lose me if I find him, or that she may have to meet his family. So I will leave it for the time being.

    I don't want to do it behind her back, I think that would be wrong, and also I can't really find anything out without giving out her personal details, which again is wrong without her permission.

    So I will leave it for now. The guy (and presumably the girls, if I can find them) are the same or similar age as me so hopefully there will be opportunity later.
    • seven-day-weekend
    • By seven-day-weekend 4th May 18, 2:11 PM
    • 30,587 Posts
    • 57,782 Thanks
    seven-day-weekend
    I think how considerate you are towards birth mum is wonderful.

    But, it is okay to put yourself first here, everyone has a right to know where they come from and if that information is available you shouldn't let anyone stop you.

    For some reason birth mum doesn't want to be honest and open, that is her choice, but you are well withing your rights to bypass that road block and carry on down the road. She never has to know.
    Originally posted by KxMx
    I understand what you are saying and indeed would give anyone else the same advice myself, but I really do not want to cause her distress nor go behind her back. There will hopefully be time at a later date.

    Sometimes love trumps rights.
    • Spendless
    • By Spendless 4th May 18, 2:25 PM
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    Spendless
    I think you're doing the right thing SDW. To have the knowledge you have, for now is enough.

    In the future, who knows.
    • Spendless
    • By Spendless 4th May 18, 2:31 PM
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    Spendless
    He is either my half-brother or my cousin. He was born the same year as me.
    Originally posted by seven-day-weekend
    I've had to quote this as my question was really clumsily worded without it.

    Was this man potentially your half brother, born in wedlock? Someone with an ancestry subscription could possibly find this out. If you're half siblings then if your father was already married to this man's mother, I can see how distressing it must have been for your birth mum when she realised he wouldn't be standing by her.

    Alternatively had he got 2 girlfriends pregnant at similar times, but chose to marry the other one? Again very distressing for your birth mum.
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