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  • FIRST POST
    • quantic
    • By quantic 19th Apr 11, 9:44 AM
    • 998Posts
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    quantic
    Pressure from 'Friends' and people you know
    • #1
    • 19th Apr 11, 9:44 AM
    Pressure from 'Friends' and people you know 19th Apr 11 at 9:44 AM
    So, over the past 3 months we have struggled with balancing overdrafts and credit cards to pay for doing our house up. This has left us pretty short every month (we literally had nothing when we bought and the house needed renovation).

    The reason for this thread is I just wanted to get some feelings from everyone... we have become very frugal with money now and manage it very well. The only thing we seem to be struggling with is dealing with friends etc. For instance, a lot of the people we know how loads of debt on credit cards and overdrafts, car finance and the like. They don't seem to be able to get it into their heads that not everyone wants to live like that.

    Recently I have had comments like 'How can you be skint, we all bought houses and we are not skint' - in reply to us saying we can't go out with them. Or if a big hen do comes up abroad we feel really pressured as we cannot afford this at the moment (we cannot even afford our own holiday never mind a hen do in Barcalona for my OH) so it always ends in them being !!!!ed off with my OH.

    These are just a few examples, but at the moment we seem to be really struggling to keep a social life with people we know because they have no problem throwing stuff on CC's etc and worrying about it later. We keep suggesting things that are less expensive but it never ends up happening.

    How do you guys balance this sort of thing? Should we look for new friends if we cannot keep up with their life style? Any tips on avoiding problems caused by things like this?




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    Last edited by MSE Andrea; 19-04-2011 at 6:34 PM.
Page 1
  • Mrs Jojo
    • #2
    • 19th Apr 11, 9:56 AM
    • #2
    • 19th Apr 11, 9:56 AM
    Sadly, looking for new friends is probably the way to go - the old ones will come back when they are up to their necks in debt and grateful for your money saving ways!

    The main thing is to stick to your guns, don't be tempted to give in, you don't want to get into the debt spiral.
    Aiming to be debt & mortgage free by November 2018!
    • remote_control
    • By remote_control 19th Apr 11, 10:00 AM
    • 280 Posts
    • 1,057 Thanks
    remote_control
    • #3
    • 19th Apr 11, 10:00 AM
    • #3
    • 19th Apr 11, 10:00 AM
    I have no tips or suggestions... we are in a similar boat at the moment. We are in a bit of debt and I dont think our friends are but it has been a month so far of turning every invite down and we feel like hermits. Its just so ridiculous that I am over the moon when I save 1 or have a cheap dinner and then go to the pub and buy two drinks for 5.
    • quantic
    • By quantic 19th Apr 11, 10:00 AM
    • 998 Posts
    • 1,735 Thanks
    quantic
    • #4
    • 19th Apr 11, 10:00 AM
    • #4
    • 19th Apr 11, 10:00 AM
    The thing that annoys me is that they think having access to a credit card means they can afford something, in my mind being able to afford something is being able to pay for it using money not credit. They don't actually believe that us not being able to afford it is a genuine reason. Like we are using it as an excuse or something?

    No doubt we will be the shoulder to cry on when they are up to their ears in debt though and we will get the golden oldy, 'your so lucky'...
  • suzie wong
    • #5
    • 19th Apr 11, 10:06 AM
    • #5
    • 19th Apr 11, 10:06 AM
    Hmmm....a difficult one. My only suggestion would be to try suggesting a dinner party at yours, with each person/couple bringing something towards the meal, or drink (eg you could supply the main course, someone else a starter, dessert etc). You could explain that you're skint but really want to see everyone, and see how they react to the idea. It could work really well and become a regular thing with friends taking turns to host. On the other hand, a poor reaction to it might just make you think that you need to find some more sympathetic and sensible friends

    1 debt in 100 days- part 4
    997.57/500, part 5 868/1000
    Pay off as much as you can in 2011: 7753.04/
    6000 10K



  • reddevilled
    • #6
    • 19th Apr 11, 10:07 AM
    • #6
    • 19th Apr 11, 10:07 AM
    I can see exactly where you are coming from as we have been in the same situation. I would say it's a balancing act, maybe you need to spend a little less on the house now and take a little longer and still partake with your friends.

    We all have different priorities, no doubt, but it can be hard to take as a friend if someone is always "too skint" to share in a special occasion with them, and some people take this very personally.

    You're spot on with the "you're so lucky", the number of times we hear that and it makes my blood boil!!!
    • RAS
    • By RAS 19th Apr 11, 10:16 AM
    • 27,996 Posts
    • 48,414 Thanks
    RAS
    • #7
    • 19th Apr 11, 10:16 AM
    • #7
    • 19th Apr 11, 10:16 AM
    Try to offer a few things at home to these folk - maybe a barbeque with them bringing the drink or a simple dinner party?

    And start looking for peope who have a more compatible attitude to money. It appears that some of these folk take "Because you are worth it" to mean that anyone not prepared to spend loads of dosh on the, (their celebrations) thinks they are not worth it.

    Do remember however that getting the house perfect can also be a rod for your own backs. Try to budget in one social event with this lot of mates each month? Possiby one of the cheaper options?
    The person who has not made a mistake, has made nothing
    • quantic
    • By quantic 19th Apr 11, 10:23 AM
    • 998 Posts
    • 1,735 Thanks
    quantic
    • #8
    • 19th Apr 11, 10:23 AM
    • #8
    • 19th Apr 11, 10:23 AM
    I agree with what everyone is saying, we are gonna try and host more things like BBQ's at our house and dinner parties etc. Don't get me wrong, we are doing things with them its just difficult. For example, this year we have had 2 weddings, 3 hen do's, 2 stag do's and its only April. Its tricky to get a balance and can cause problems between me and OH if not handled correctly.

    Its sometimes annoying when I have spent all of my wage each month for the past god knows how long getting rid of CC debt, only for a hen do to come along and wipe us out again. Something I don't even get to take part in. I hate being the gate keeper. OH comes to me saying all her friends are doing something and she knows we can't afford it, then she gets paranoid that they will all be talking about her when she's not at whatever it is.

    I don't mean to be sexist with this but my male friends seem a lot more understanding then her female friends? I think this is just in our case though and I am not suggesting for a second that all women are like this. Its must be frustrating for my OH seeing them going shopping all the time and going on holidays loads when we can't. Well, we could in the sense of putting it on a CC like all her mates do but we don't want to be slaves to debt!

    Also, I should mention that we have paid for everything house wise now so ongoing expenses are just fixed bills but its gonna be a few months until we have spare cash left.
    Last edited by quantic; 19-04-2011 at 10:26 AM.
  • MilneBay
    • #9
    • 19th Apr 11, 10:42 AM
    • #9
    • 19th Apr 11, 10:42 AM
    Hi quantic

    Really know where you are coming from on this - particularly with the hen/stag do part. My OH's brother got married recently and the stag was four nights abroad - which cost everyone that went at least 1,000. I felt guilty for being pleased that he was unable to get the time off work (think he was also a little relieved!). We simply don't have that kind of money.
    It's awful to say but my heart sinks slightly when we are invited to weddings. Not because I don't want to go but because the cost - even of being a guest - has got so out of hand. We are also wondering what we are doing wrong. Where do people find the money to think nothing of spending hundreds on an outfit and 6.50 per glass of wine?
    We live in a flat which I love and are also spending a fair bit doing up. Don't really have any helpful advice but just wanted to say that you sound very similar to us and have my sympathy. Although really I don't feel we have anything to be sorry for. Living within your means is no something you should be made to feel bad about.
    Surely your friends can appreciate that getting the house up-to-standard has taken all your spare cash and that for now at least, other things have to go on the back-burner.
    MB
    • timbstoke
    • By timbstoke 19th Apr 11, 10:46 AM
    • 958 Posts
    • 1,232 Thanks
    timbstoke
    It's not necessarily a case of your male friends being more understanding, but (being a touch stereotypical here) women tend to talk about everything, and if your OH is missing out, she's going to assume they're talking about her. Men tend not to worry too much about what their friends are doing with their private lives - the conversation would be "Where's Bob?" "Not coming, he's broke" "Oh right. Did you see Stoke on Sunday?" whereas 'the girls' would spend half an hour analysing it.
  • wigwam
    It is tough, plenty of us in the same position.

    My friends ( and me previously) think nothing of spending loads of cash on basic things. I have been a bit of a hermit recently but got persuaded out at the weekend. Ended up paying over 50 for dinner - more than I'd spent all week on food - and it wasn't even that nice!

    Will be stronger and leave the cards at home next time
    LBM March 2011: CC14697 2968; CC2 3873.293754 CC3 2972 2807 ;CC4 3100Loan900300
    Pay off in 2011 challenge:
    2034.28 / 6000[SIZE=1] 4841/10000 (started March - total payments, updated end May!)


    • RAS
    • By RAS 19th Apr 11, 11:03 AM
    • 27,996 Posts
    • 48,414 Thanks
    RAS
    I don't mean to be sexist with this but my male friends seem a lot more understanding then her female friends? I think this is just in our case though and I am not suggesting for a second that all women are like this. Its must be frustrating for my OH seeing them going shopping all the time and going on holidays loads when we can't. Well, we could in the sense of putting it on a CC like all her mates do but we don't want to be slaves to debt!
    Originally posted by quantic
    Hi
    Are you sure about the statement I highlighted? Is that really really we, or is it I?

    A couple of pointers; women worry more about relationships and read more into stuff (which may not even be there); being sexist but I am one.

    And maybe learn a trick from BIL managed DS's capacity to spend well.

    Each month there was along list of things she wanted to do or have. They simply could not afford it.

    He would work out the finances and ask her what she wanted" We have this much this month, so you can have the new curtains, a night (brief weekend) away or get the plumbing for the washing machine done?"

    He left her to choose and went with her choice, no grumbles. It was not long before she found ways to get the new curtains and a social event (by buying very cheap seconds fabric and getting them made up and sourcing a good deal).
    The person who has not made a mistake, has made nothing
    • quantic
    • By quantic 19th Apr 11, 11:04 AM
    • 998 Posts
    • 1,735 Thanks
    quantic
    Feels nice in a weird sort of way to know other people are in the same boat. I think its difficult for my OH as she is the kind of person who likes to please everyone else before herself. She doesn't feel gutted about not being able to do things for herself, but because her friends get annoyed. I'm used to doing less as I had to save up the deposit (I did this before meeting her). But its taking some adjusting as she was a bit reckless in the past.

    I might be being paranoid, but from time to time it actually feels like people resent us for having what we have, and not having any debt anymore, so sometimes it feels like they deliberately do things and almost wish we where in the same mess as they are?

    It just feels pretty shitty, we spent more on going to someone's wedding last month then we spent on Xmas presents for each other. Weddings are so excessive these days... It feels like every occasion feels like its way over the top now... stuff like christenings are what weddings used to be?

    One of my OH's friends asked us for a YES/NO on coming to their wedding the other day, and needed to know within 2 days - the cost per couple was 1900...who has got 1900 that they would wanna spend on travel and accommodation, never mind clothes, food, drink etc?

    I honestly don't know how our friends manage all of the stuff they do, out of all of our friends, we earn somewhere towards the top of them all, (combined income), have the cheapest house and still struggle. They must have some serious debt to service their lifestyles....
  • jinky67
    Feels nice in a weird sort of way to know other people are in the same boat. I think its difficult for my OH as she is the kind of person who likes to please everyone else before herself. She doesn't feel gutted about not being able to do things for herself, but because her friends get annoyed.
    Originally posted by quantic
    Is your OH the cause of your debt problems? She sounds like a keeping up with the Jones's type to me.

    She needs to toughen up, as do you, and say sorry we cant afford it, end of.

    If people dont like it thats their problem, and suggests they are not very good friends after all
    Once a Flylady, always a Flylady
    • quantic
    • By quantic 19th Apr 11, 11:10 AM
    • 998 Posts
    • 1,735 Thanks
    quantic
    Hi
    Are you sure about the statement I highlighted? Is that really really we, or is it I?

    A couple of pointers; women worry more about relationships and read more into stuff (which may not even be there); being sexist but I am one.

    And maybe learn a trick from BIL managed DS's capacity to spend well.

    Each month there was along list of things she wanted to do or have. They simply could not afford it.

    He would work out the finances and ask her what she wanted" We have this much this month, so you can have the new curtains, a night (brief weekend) away or get the plumbing for the washing machine done?"

    He left her to choose and went with her choice, no grumbles. It was not long before she found ways to get the new curtains and a social event (by buying very cheap seconds fabric and getting them made up and sourcing a good deal).
    Originally posted by RAS
    No, it is definately we. It just seems a lot more difficult with her friends then mine most of the time. If I tell my male mates that I'm skint, most of the time they will just accept it, and say nothing. Or suggest that they will take a hit and pay this time and i'll pay next, or that we can just hang out.

    With her girl mates tho, its never just a cuppa or a nice cheap meal. For example, she got cheap tickets for horse riding this month (few quid)... this has now turned into... Lunch in town at an expensive place, horse riding, tea at another expensive place and then a few drinks on the quayside...

    So something that was bought through a deal website (so she could see her friends without spending a fortune and drive to avoid taxi's) and was supposed to cost like 12, has now turned into 2 meals out, drinks and 2 taxi's....
    • Gordon Hose
    • By Gordon Hose 19th Apr 11, 11:10 AM
    • 6,057 Posts
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    Gordon Hose
    If we say we're skint our friends usually respect that and back off.
    • quantic
    • By quantic 19th Apr 11, 11:13 AM
    • 998 Posts
    • 1,735 Thanks
    quantic
    Is your OH the cause of your debt problems? She sounds like a keeping up with the Jones's type to me.

    She needs to toughen up, as do you, and say sorry we cant afford it, end of.

    If people dont like it thats their problem, and suggests they are not very good friends after all
    Originally posted by jinky67
    Before we both moved out we could service all of these social things, so never built up any debt, now that we have our own place we cant do both... so its more like - how do we handle the transition into being independent while maintaining a social life?

    At our worst point we only had about 4k debt from the house, we have none now, but I can quite easily see us going into debt if we continue to keep up with everyone.

    She is not the type of person to want the same things as everyone, in a material sort of way, but sometimes when she is going out with them in clothes from 3 years ago and they have a new outfit every single time they go out, it makes her a little sad as she feels a mess.
  • jinky67

    She is not the type of person to want the same things as everyone, in a material sort of way, but sometimes when she is going out with them in clothes from 3 years ago and they have a new outfit every single time they go out, it makes her a little sad as she feels a mess.
    Originally posted by quantic
    Well you just have to remind her, that all her friends are probably up to their eyes on debt and will never pay it off. Whereas you two are being perfectly sensible and only buying what you can afford
    Once a Flylady, always a Flylady
    • quantic
    • By quantic 19th Apr 11, 11:19 AM
    • 998 Posts
    • 1,735 Thanks
    quantic
    The reason I started this thread is because, when I was at the wedding the other week someone said to me when I was stood talking to them; "You and OH's problem is, your too sensible."

    We are not that sensible really, we buy stuff we don't really need and are excessive in some ways which we shouldn't be. But we seem to be the exception in not having any debt right now, and almost everyone else we know does have. Someone even said, your 20's is for having fun, and your 30's is for paying it back.
    • Gordon Hose
    • By Gordon Hose 19th Apr 11, 11:23 AM
    • 6,057 Posts
    • 4,113 Thanks
    Gordon Hose
    I'd rather be sensible now than in debt when I'm pushing 60.
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