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  • FIRST POST
    Youdontseeme
    To parents -Would you want to know?
    • #1
    • 4th Jul 10, 1:11 PM
    To parents -Would you want to know? 4th Jul 10 at 1:11 PM
    34 years old, not a badly paid job with around 6 grand of debt making me miserable.

    I have in the last 12 months scrounged, saved, had no life, sold everything of any value to try and pay it off and have paid a HUGE chunk of it to get it to 6K.

    But now I am stuck I have nothing left to sell, cant see where I can make any more savings. I have no life, I never go out as I cant afford it and have just spent all weekend going over and over my debts trying to work out how to cut the length of time I have it.

    The only solution (if you can call it that!) is to tell my parents, I know they would help me out but I dont want them to be disappointed in me, at the moment my mother thinks I am just very anti-social and a bit depressed and I know she worries about me anyway because of the state my head is in (I live 300 miles away from them)

    I have worked out that if the lent me the money to pay off my debt I could pay them back with interest in 3 years (or hopefully quicker) and I would get a little extra to start to live again, but telling them..god I'm not sure if I can, I have always been a bit of a disappointment to them compared to my sister (real high flyer social butterfly) and I dont want to let them down any more, but I think if they knew they would want to help.

    It is MY mess, I KNOW I have to settle it, I'm just not sure how much longer I can go on like this. I know I am feeling sorry for myself and need to get a grip and while you make think telling them is the easy option but its not, it is the only way I can think of to get some control back into my life.

    So like the title would you rather know or should I just grow up and sort it out myself... I think I know the answer already.

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    Last edited by Former MSE Wendy; 13-07-2010 at 8:08 PM.
Page 1
    • UnderPressure
    • By UnderPressure 4th Jul 10, 1:21 PM
    • 3,074 Posts
    • 5,211 Thanks
    UnderPressure
    • #2
    • 4th Jul 10, 1:21 PM
    • #2
    • 4th Jul 10, 1:21 PM
    If it were my son our daughter I would be really hurt and upset if they thought for 1 moment they could not approach me for help, and I would gladly help them, I think most parents are aware now just how expensive it is to live in the UK nowadays and also how easy it is to get into debt and fall behind with things, if they are in a position financially where they can help you I am sure they would really want to.

    Give them a ring or go and see them and explain everything, tell them what you have don to try and remedy this situation you may get a pleasent surprise, I for one would be proud of you for going to the extreme in trying to clear your debt and would gladly offer assistance if I could in anyway.

    There are some parents out there that think parenthodd finsihes when you get to 18 and they are no longer responsible for you, these kind of people should never be parents in the first places TBH, only you know what kind of parents you have.......

    Take the plunge you have nothing to lose and your life back to gain

    There is no shame in seeking help when it is needed it happens to the best of use at soem stage in our lives, you seem like a sensible person so presume you have learnt your lesson and will never find yourself in this position again I am sure your parents will be proud of that and happy you asked
    • Daisy Duck
    • By Daisy Duck 4th Jul 10, 1:24 PM
    • 1,485 Posts
    • 950 Thanks
    Daisy Duck
    • #3
    • 4th Jul 10, 1:24 PM
    • #3
    • 4th Jul 10, 1:24 PM

    So like the title would you rather know
    Originally posted by Youdontseeme

    Absolutely. Without a doubt.
    MFiT-4 72
    • tanith
    • By tanith 4th Jul 10, 1:24 PM
    • 7,982 Posts
    • 8,589 Thanks
    tanith
    • #4
    • 4th Jul 10, 1:24 PM
    • #4
    • 4th Jul 10, 1:24 PM
    Tell them , if it was me I'd definately want to know... you have done as much as you can before asking and you have to explain the whole situation to them and how its making you feel.... make that call today , your parents would hate the thought of you carrying on feeling so miserable just for the want of a phone call... good luck and pop back when you've done it.. even if they can't help you financially having them know and be on your side will take the weight off a little...
    #6 of the SKI-ers Club

    "All that is necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing" Edmund Burke
    • searching_me
    • By searching_me 4th Jul 10, 1:27 PM
    • 18,406 Posts
    • 63,340 Thanks
    searching_me
    • #5
    • 4th Jul 10, 1:27 PM
    • #5
    • 4th Jul 10, 1:27 PM
    i would ... but im sorry i wouldnt pay it off i wouldnt see my children starve of course but how can you learn and be proud you dealt and cleared it yourself if they bail you out ... sometimes the hard way is the only way x
    Still searching .....
  • papermoney
    • #6
    • 4th Jul 10, 1:33 PM
    • #6
    • 4th Jul 10, 1:33 PM
    I would definitely want to know. I would help where possible as well. (My parents have actually done this for me as well - after my marriage broke up and I was left with a lot of debt).

    I would hate it if my children didn't think they could approach me with somthing they were worried about.

    Good Luck.
    • UnderPressure
    • By UnderPressure 4th Jul 10, 1:38 PM
    • 3,074 Posts
    • 5,211 Thanks
    UnderPressure
    • #7
    • 4th Jul 10, 1:38 PM
    • #7
    • 4th Jul 10, 1:38 PM
    i would ... but im sorry i wouldnt pay it off i wouldnt see my children starve of course but how can you learn and be proud you dealt and cleared it yourself if they bail you out ... sometimes the hard way is the only way x
    Originally posted by searching_me
    Although I agree with you to a certain extent I also think it depends on the the individual child so to speak, some sons and daughters I suppose would continue to get in 1 mess after the other, you know your own children better than anyone if this is the case then maybe a lesson needs to be learnt...............

    However I do not get this impresssion from the OP, they have tried all ways to clear this debt and now they are at the stage where they have no life just debt payments, the world is now a very different place in fact it mostly revolves on debt as we all know, but leaving your child to fend for themselves if you are in a position to help I also think is ludicrous, after all whatever money you have in savings etc is probably going to be theres one day anyhow why not try and make their life a bit easier at the monent?

    I for one know only too well that being in debt in your thirties whilst trying to provide for a young family (dont know if this is th ops position but hey ho) is no easy task and if as a parent I could make that any easier then Im sorry but I would WANT TO.

    As said before I dont class parenting as finishing when your child reaches 18 and moves out there is more you can offer a child at this time in their life than just harsh words..............
    • Buffythedebtslayer
    • By Buffythedebtslayer 4th Jul 10, 1:41 PM
    • 15,336 Posts
    • 51,360 Thanks
    Buffythedebtslayer
    • #8
    • 4th Jul 10, 1:41 PM
    • #8
    • 4th Jul 10, 1:41 PM
    I am the same age as you and have a similar amount of debt (7326). Mine was hilariously bad a few years and is now kinda doable so long as I don't go mad (as I have been doing recently, *slaps wrist*)

    I have never told any one in my family the huge mess I got myself into. I was managing, I always managed, no missed payments, great credit rating, but I was sinking real fast when I found this place.

    I have wondered about telling Mum but to be honest I think the worry would devastate her and all the things she thinks about me would be true - which is ironic really since honestly I think I am ok. For me it would change my relationship with her massively. I am only just now getting her to see me as an adult.

    So I won't ever tell her for that reason - I know how badly she would think of me. I also want to pay off the bloody stupid thing myself.

    Sorry am sure that doesn't help much!

    xxxx
    Frugal Living Challenge, Pound a Day challenge, Sealed Pot Challenge Debt 4990 (March)
    • Buffythedebtslayer
    • By Buffythedebtslayer 4th Jul 10, 1:44 PM
    • 15,336 Posts
    • 51,360 Thanks
    Buffythedebtslayer
    • #9
    • 4th Jul 10, 1:44 PM
    • #9
    • 4th Jul 10, 1:44 PM
    Just as an interfering aside, what is credit rating like? Can you transfer your debt to a cheaper loan? CC?

    xxx
    Frugal Living Challenge, Pound a Day challenge, Sealed Pot Challenge Debt 4990 (March)
    • SingleSue
    • By SingleSue 4th Jul 10, 1:46 PM
    • 10,354 Posts
    • 58,533 Thanks
    SingleSue
    I would hope that my children would know that they would have my support and help in a practical way (rather than financial - no money to do that!).

    I would actually be rather hurt if they hid their worry and stress from me. Yes, I would then worry about them once they have told me but a problem shared is a problem halved and I would hate to think of them being so distraught.
    We made it! One graduated, 2 currently at university, been hard work but it shows there is a possibility of a chance of normal (ish) life after a diagnosis (or two) of ASD. It's not been the easiest route but I am so glad I ignored everything and everyone and did my own therapies with them.
    Eldests' EDS diagnosis 4.5.10, mine 13.1.11 eekk!
    • searching_me
    • By searching_me 4th Jul 10, 1:49 PM
    • 18,406 Posts
    • 63,340 Thanks
    searching_me
    Although I agree with you to a certain extent I also think it depends on the the individual child so to speak, some sons and daughters I suppose would continue to get in 1 mess after the other, you know your own children better than anyone if this is the case then maybe a lesson needs to be learnt...............

    However I do not get this impresssion from the OP, they have tried all ways to clear this debt and now they are at the stage where they have no life just debt payments, the world is now a very different place in fact it mostly revolves on debt as we all know, but leaving your child to fend for themselves if you are in a position to help I also think is ludicrous, after all whatever money you have in savings etc is probably going to be theres one day anyhow why not try and make their life a bit easier at the monent?

    I for one know only too well that being in debt in your thirties whilst trying to provide for a young family (dont know if this is th ops position but hey ho) is no easy task and if as a parent I could make that any easier then Im sorry but I would WANT TO.

    As said before I dont class parenting as finishing when your child reaches 18 and moves out there is more you can offer a child at this time in their life than just harsh words..............
    Originally posted by UnderPressure
    i also dont think being a parent ends at 18 ... but sorry i would never ask my parents or any family to clear my debts i made them i clear them .... as i say dont get me wrong as i said i would never see my children starve but i would rather take them food shopping or something like that ... ive never had my parents to relie on if anything my mother would bug me for money but at the end of the day a child has to grow in someone they're proud and say i did it x
    Still searching .....
  • DVardysShadow
    SO by how much did you reduce the debt over the last 12 months? And how much of that was not by selling stuff off? If you have made a significant dent in it, then you must ahve an idea of your debt free date.

    I would suggest you do the Statement of Affairs http://www.makesenseofcards.co.uk/soacalc.html and post the results to see what can be done regardless of whetheryou go to your parents for help.
    • MyLastFiver
    • By MyLastFiver 4th Jul 10, 1:57 PM
    • 820 Posts
    • 1,302 Thanks
    MyLastFiver
    Tell your parents if you like, but I would think carefully about asking them for financial help. Debt between an individual and a company is very businesslike and impersonal; by transferring that debt to your parents you are making it personal. If you were going to pay your parents back with interest, you may as well pay your original creditor back with interest.

    If you are on a decent wage with average living costs then repaying 6k of debt should not be making you miserable. Congratulations on your year of austerity, but perhaps now you have paid a lot of your debt down, you can afford to go a little easier on yourself.
    • Ames
    • By Ames 4th Jul 10, 2:21 PM
    • 17,693 Posts
    • 31,273 Thanks
    Ames
    Please don't pin all your hopes on them helping you out. I asked my dad for help, he had the money but said no. I was gutted at the time, but looking back it was for the best.
    Unless I say otherwise 'you' means the general you not you specifically.
    • barbiedoll
    • By barbiedoll 4th Jul 10, 2:27 PM
    • 4,914 Posts
    • 13,488 Thanks
    barbiedoll
    If your mum is worried about you and thinks that you are depressed, you should definitely confide in her, at least she will know what's wrong. Don't worry about being compared to your sister, who knows what her life is really like; for all you know, she may well be up to her eyes in debt too

    I do agree with the other posters, relying on your parents to bail you out can be fraught with problems. It may encourage you to increase your debt, it can give you a false sense of security. Also, if they need their money back quickly, for whatever reason, how will you get it to them? As someone said earlier, if you can afford to pay them back with interest, you can afford to pay your creditors. Post your SOA and let everyone here have a look, there may be ways round this that enable you to have a bit of a life whilst getting debt free. Well done for getting this far, you've obviously worked hard to get here, I'm sure we can get you through this.
  • Youdontseeme
    Thank you for all the replies I do see both sides of the coin so I kind of agree with everybody! Will try and answer all the questions.

    My credit rating is shot so consolidation isn't an option.

    I live alone but in London so everything is

    I have repaid what I have with sheer will and determination, I basically stopped living, took on the odd 2nd job but time wise with my full-time job this didn't work out too well, ebayed a LOT! and just cut wherever I could.

    The reason I got into debt in the first place was because I lived the "London life" realised I didn't really like it that much, then shopped to cheer myself up. I know now I want to move but cant while I have these debts as any job closer to home would mean a huge cut in my wages.

    Its not so much asking them for the money although this would help, its just telling them about it as at the moment I am sure my mother thinks I'm on drugs or something as I am always so skint and miserable.

    If I don't get help from them my debt free date will be July 2014
    If I do it will be November 2012 that means I don't have to stay here as long which I think is my main gripe.

    I have no friends here as I the ones I made when I first moved here weren't good enough to stay around when I couldn't afford to do all the fun stuff. I go to work and come home work - home.

    I know I was stupid to get into debt but I think now I know why I got there it wont happen again.

    I would rather pay the interest to my parents than the credit card companies especially A&L which is just plain silly and they wont reduce it.

    Number of adults in household........... 1
    Number of children in household......... 0
    Number of cars owned.................... 0

    Monthly Income Details

    Monthly income after tax................ 1712.86
    Partners monthly income after tax....... 0
    Benefits................................ 0
    Other income............................ 0
    Total monthly income.................... 1712.86


    Monthly Expense Details

    Mortgage................................ 0
    Secured/HP loan repayments.............. 0
    Rent.................................... 700
    Management charge (leasehold property).. 0
    Council tax............................. 58
    Electricity............................. 40
    Gas..................................... 0
    Oil..................................... 0
    Water rates............................. 3.33
    Telephone (land line)................... 40 includes broadband and tv
    Mobile phone............................ 0
    TV Licence.............................. 12.12
    Satellite/Cable TV...................... 0
    Internet Services....................... 0
    Groceries etc. ......................... 150
    Clothing................................ 0
    Petrol/diesel........................... 0
    Road tax................................ 0
    Car Insurance........................... 0
    Car maintenance (including MOT)......... 0
    Car parking............................. 0
    Other travel............................ 98
    Childcare/nursery....................... 0
    Other child related expenses............ 0
    Medical (prescriptions, dentist etc).... 9.33 pre pay for my crazy pills every three months
    Pet insurance/vet bills................. 0
    Buildings insurance..................... 0
    Contents insurance...................... 21.36
    Life assurance ......................... 0
    Other insurance......................... 0
    Presents (birthday, christmas etc)...... 0
    Haircuts................................ 10
    Entertainment........................... 0
    Holiday................................. 0
    Emergency fund.......................... 0
    Total monthly expenses.................. 1142.14



    Assets

    Cash.................................... 0
    House value (Gross)..................... 0
    Shares and bonds........................ 0
    Car(s).................................. 0
    Other assets............................ 0
    Total Assets............................ 0


    No Secured nor Hire Purchase Debts


    Unsecured Debts
    Description....................Debt......Monthly.. .APR
    A&L CC.........................1752.92...135.......34. 9
    Egg CC.........................3317.64...110.......17. 9
    Egg Loan.......................1493.85...150.......7.6 6
    Total unsecured debts..........6564.41...395.......-



    Monthly Budget Summary

    Total monthly income.................... 1,712.86
    Expenses (including HP & secured debts). 1,142.14
    Available for debt repayments........... 570.72
    Monthly UNsecured debt repayments....... 395
    Amount left after debt repayments....... 175.72


    Personal Balance Sheet Summary
    Total assets (things you own)........... 0
    Total HP & Secured debt................. -0
    Total Unsecured debt.................... -6,564.41
    Net Assets.............................. -6,564.41



    Anything left over at the end of the month gets thrown at my A&L debt.
    Last edited by Youdontseeme; 04-07-2010 at 2:41 PM. Reason: more detail
    • MyLastFiver
    • By MyLastFiver 4th Jul 10, 2:53 PM
    • 820 Posts
    • 1,302 Thanks
    MyLastFiver
    Thank you for all the replies I do see both sides of the coin so I kind of agree with everybody! Will try and answer all the questions.

    My credit rating is shot so consolidation isn't an option.

    I live alone but in London so everything is

    I have repaid what I have with sheer will and determination, I basically stopped living, took on the odd 2nd job but time wise with my full-time job this didn't work out too well, ebayed a LOT! and just cut wherever I could.

    The reason I got into debt in the first place was because I lived the "London life" realised I didn't really like it that much, then shopped to cheer myself up. I know now I want to move but cant while I have these debts as any job closer to home would mean a huge cut in my wages.

    Its not so much asking them for the money although this would help, its just telling them about it as at the moment I am sure my mother thinks I'm on drugs or something as I am always so skint and miserable.

    If I don't get help from them my debt free date will be July 2014
    If I do it will be November 2012 that means I don't have to stay here as long which I think is my main gripe.

    I have no friends here as I the ones I made when I first moved here weren't good enough to stay around when I couldn't afford to do all the fun stuff. I go to work and come home work - home.

    I know I was stupid to get into debt but I think now I know why I got there it wont happen again.

    I would rather pay the interest to my parents than the credit card companies especially A&L which is just plain silly and they wont reduce it.

    Number of adults in household........... 1
    Number of children in household......... 0
    Number of cars owned.................... 0

    Monthly Income Details

    Monthly income after tax................ 1712.86
    Partners monthly income after tax....... 0
    Benefits................................ 0
    Other income............................ 0
    Total monthly income.................... 1712.86


    Monthly Expense Details

    Mortgage................................ 0
    Secured/HP loan repayments.............. 0
    Rent.................................... 700
    Management charge (leasehold property).. 0
    Council tax............................. 58
    Electricity............................. 40
    Gas..................................... 0
    Oil..................................... 0
    Water rates............................. 3.33
    Telephone (land line)................... 40 includes broadband and tv
    Mobile phone............................ 0
    TV Licence.............................. 12.12
    Satellite/Cable TV...................... 0
    Internet Services....................... 0
    Groceries etc. ......................... 150
    Clothing................................ 0
    Petrol/diesel........................... 0
    Road tax................................ 0
    Car Insurance........................... 0
    Car maintenance (including MOT)......... 0
    Car parking............................. 0
    Other travel............................ 98
    Childcare/nursery....................... 0
    Other child related expenses............ 0
    Medical (prescriptions, dentist etc).... 9.33 pre pay for my crazy pills every three months
    Pet insurance/vet bills................. 0
    Buildings insurance..................... 0
    Contents insurance...................... 21.36
    Life assurance ......................... 0
    Other insurance......................... 0
    Presents (birthday, christmas etc)...... 0
    Haircuts................................ 10
    Entertainment........................... 0
    Holiday................................. 0
    Emergency fund.......................... 0
    Total monthly expenses.................. 1142.14



    Assets

    Cash.................................... 0
    House value (Gross)..................... 0
    Shares and bonds........................ 0
    Car(s).................................. 0
    Other assets............................ 0
    Total Assets............................ 0


    No Secured nor Hire Purchase Debts


    Unsecured Debts
    Description....................Debt......Monthly.. .APR
    A&L CC.........................1752.92...135.......34. 9
    Egg CC.........................3317.64...110.......17. 9
    Egg Loan.......................1493.85...150.......7.6 6
    Total unsecured debts..........6564.41...395.......-



    Monthly Budget Summary

    Total monthly income.................... 1,712.86
    Expenses (including HP & secured debts). 1,142.14
    Available for debt repayments........... 570.72
    Monthly UNsecured debt repayments....... 395
    Amount left after debt repayments....... 175.72


    Personal Balance Sheet Summary
    Total assets (things you own)........... 0
    Total HP & Secured debt................. -0
    Total Unsecured debt.................... -6,564.41
    Net Assets.............................. -6,564.41



    Anything left over at the end of the month gets thrown at my A&L debt.
    Originally posted by Youdontseeme

    Hmmm I can see now why the debt is hurting and why you'd want to ask your parents. It's the interest on the A&L debt that is killing you. As far as I can see it you have 3 options:

    1. Carry on as you are
    2. Ask your parents for a loan and get the debts paid quicker
    3. Do a sensible budget which allows you to have a life, write to your creditors and tell them you can't afford the min repayments, and go onto a DMP. This may make A&L stop interest (but may not!)

    Given your circumstances, if it were me I would ask your parents.
  • DVardysShadow
    Hmm. Looks like you struggle for a bit less than a year and then it works out for you. With the surplus you have, you are doing the right thing putting it to the A&L card. At a guess you can be rid of that card in 6 to 9 months, which leaves you 300 spare each month. The egg loan goes in a year from now, leaving you 450 spare. This will see the egg cc gone in another year, even if you ease up on yourself by taking pocket money of 150.
  • Youdontseeme
    Hi

    The amount I pay to A&L isn't the minimum but the most I could afford to pay for certain each month the min is around 40ish quid which would take forever to pay off!
  • DVardysShadow
    Hmmm I can see now why the debt is hurting and why you'd want to ask your parents. It's the interest on the A&L debt that is killing you. As far as I can see it you have 3 options:

    1. Carry on as you are
    2. Ask your parents for a loan and get the debts paid quicker
    3. Do a sensible budget which allows you to have a life, write to your creditors and tell them you can't afford the min repayments, and go onto a DMP. This may make A&L stop interest (but may not!)

    Given your circumstances, if it were me I would ask your parents.
    Originally posted by MyLastFiver
    It all gets easier after a year. Even if only minimums are paid, the egg loan disappears. Personally, I think that this can be managed without a DMP. A DMP will trash your credit rating - and in this case, I think it is poor advice.
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