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  • FIRST POST
    sarahdebtbuster
    Secret Debt - Telling My Partner
    • #1
    • 18th Jun 10, 10:22 AM
    Secret Debt - Telling My Partner 18th Jun 10 at 10:22 AM
    Hi,

    I don't know where to start. I am going to tell my husband this weekend about the debt I have kept hidden from him for the past 10 years. It all started 20 years ago and I am sick of being in debt and letting it control my life. I owe 24526 according to my Experian report and that figure just makes me so ashamed especially that I haven't told him. Only told my best friend on the phone an hour ago and cried and cried. The situation is so awful now as I have let it go on for so long.

    We were going to buy a new house and because I thought we would be okay with just my husband's name on the mortgage I buried my head in the sand. The bank now want me on it and I know they won't touch me with the amount I owe. I have to tell him this weekend before he starts looking at joint mortgages as I don't want him to find out through the bank refusing and him finding out why. I can't believe I have let it go on for so long. We are supposed to be a partnership and I have let him down so much. I am sitting here crying now and shaking and have never felt so awful. I have been shouting at the kids, unable to function properly and lying to friends about why I can't see them. I can't live like this any more. I know he will probably forgive me in time, but I feel so bad for lying to him. Only this morning before he left for work he asked if I owed anything on credit cards and I said no.

    The good thing is that I have it under control, have never missed a payment and my credit report is 999. I am pleased that I have managed to keep my head above water at least. I know I have to be brave and tell him and I have written a letter and printed out my credit report for him to see. I just want him to know everything now.

    I am just scared as to how he will react. He is an accountant and very good with money. He thinks people who rack up debt like this are stupid.

    Has anybody told their partner? How did it go? What is it like now? I really want him to be able to trust me in the future as I have changed my spending habits, I pay my bills on time, and all credit cards have been cut up and destroyed. Hoping somebody can help. So worried.

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    Last edited by Former MSE Alana; 29-06-2010 at 6:31 PM.
Page 1
  • JohnD76
    • #2
    • 18th Jun 10, 10:27 AM
    • #2
    • 18th Jun 10, 10:27 AM
    Hi Sarah,

    Most people on here have been in your situation to one degree or another.

    Please don't take it out on your kids though hun.

    You need to have a long chat with your husband, since this has to be worked through.

    You also need to post an SOA on here so people can help with your money management and offer ways of saving some money to pay of debts quicker.

    Other people will post about unenforacble debst since some debts seem to go back over 20 years this may well be a good option for you.

    All the best,

    John.
  • JohnD76
    • #3
    • 18th Jun 10, 10:29 AM
    • #3
    • 18th Jun 10, 10:29 AM
    I told my Mrs about my debts when she moved in and it was the best thing I have ever done. She helped me see that they really needed to be tackled and over the next 5 years they were all cleared and I am now a very happy man indeed :-)

    Now trying to tackle the mortgages...... But this may take some more time.....

    You really need to tell your husband, you will make yourself ill worrying if not and the family dynamic will be ruined, espcially if you are shouting at the kids.
    • dreamywings1
    • By dreamywings1 18th Jun 10, 10:35 AM
    • 420 Posts
    • 4,705 Thanks
    dreamywings1
    • #4
    • 18th Jun 10, 10:35 AM
    • #4
    • 18th Jun 10, 10:35 AM
    Hi Sarah,
    Please please please talk to your husband about this, yes he may have a wobbly but he will soon come round. I think once youve told him you will feel better within yourself and together you will be able to find a solution. Im not saying its going to be easy, it isnt but you will get their in the end.

    Post a SOA and the lovely people on here will be able to offer you some solutions.

    Good luck and chin up
    HUGZ Dreamyx
    total debt at LBM 4800
    Debt as of Mar 2016 1790 Hope to be debt free July 2016
    Sealed pot challenge number 552
  • sarahdebtbuster
    • #5
    • 18th Jun 10, 10:45 AM
    • #5
    • 18th Jun 10, 10:45 AM
    Thanks everyone. I am going to tell him tomorrow evening when the kids are in bed. Feel awful for shouting at them as it's not their fault. I know I will feel so much better afterwards. I felt better after telling my friend and she was so supportive. Will post an SOA and get this debt sorted once and for all.
    • savingwannabe
    • By savingwannabe 18th Jun 10, 10:47 AM
    • 13,639 Posts
    • 47,104 Thanks
    savingwannabe
    • #6
    • 18th Jun 10, 10:47 AM
    • #6
    • 18th Jun 10, 10:47 AM
    One of our friend's Toile has a thread called 'What a man'. She went through the same thing as you and she told her husband. Please have a read and take courage from this. Good luck pet. Best wishes and hugs.
    Christmas Fund 41.00 (Dec 1st 2018)
    Reminder: I HAVE EVERYTHING I COULD WANT so SAVE!!!!
  • JohnD76
    • #7
    • 18th Jun 10, 10:48 AM
    • #7
    • 18th Jun 10, 10:48 AM
    Thanks everyone. I am going to tell him tomorrow evening when the kids are in bed. Feel awful for shouting at them as it's not their fault. I know I will feel so much better afterwards. I felt better after telling my friend and she was so supportive. Will post an SOA and get this debt sorted once and for all.
    Originally posted by sarahdebtbuster
    In the long run, I think you will all feel so much better for it Sarah.


    Can you keep us posted please.
    Last edited by JohnD76; 18-06-2010 at 10:50 AM.
    • dreamywings1
    • By dreamywings1 18th Jun 10, 10:52 AM
    • 420 Posts
    • 4,705 Thanks
    dreamywings1
    • #8
    • 18th Jun 10, 10:52 AM
    • #8
    • 18th Jun 10, 10:52 AM
    England are playing football tomorrow night and I don't know about your hubby, but I tend to be somewhat down in the dumps after watching them play... Just a thought.
    Originally posted by JohnD76
    England are playing tonight so youd be even more down in the dumps if you missed it lol x
    total debt at LBM 4800
    Debt as of Mar 2016 1790 Hope to be debt free July 2016
    Sealed pot challenge number 552
  • JohnD76
    • #9
    • 18th Jun 10, 10:53 AM
    • #9
    • 18th Jun 10, 10:53 AM
    England are playing tonight so youd be even more down in the dumps if you missed it lol x
    Originally posted by dreamywings1
    I re-read the post after submitting it and realised that I am a complete numpty and really need more coffee. :-) xxx

    • dreamywings1
    • By dreamywings1 18th Jun 10, 10:56 AM
    • 420 Posts
    • 4,705 Thanks
    dreamywings1
    Know what you mean about needing more coffee, i'll put the kettle on lol x
    total debt at LBM 4800
    Debt as of Mar 2016 1790 Hope to be debt free July 2016
    Sealed pot challenge number 552
  • sarahdebtbuster
    Lol, thanks guys. He is going out with his friends tonight to watch the footy. Will get my letter printed, my credit report printed out, and take a deep breath tomorrow night. Think I might crack before as he will know something is wrong, but either way it will be TOMORROW. God, I cannot believe I am actually going to do this. For 10 years I have wanted to tell him.
  • JohnD76
    Hey Sarah,

    I have a coffee now with two shots in it, that should do the trick :-)

    I am not an expert in it but since your debts are from some time ago, I honestly think that the unenforeable route might be an option for you. I will try and find some links for you....

    Here you go, give this a read, may take some time:

    http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.php?t=2532927&highlight=enforceable

    John.
    Last edited by JohnD76; 18-06-2010 at 11:08 AM. Reason: added URL
  • and breathe
    Sarah
    Oh my goodness - been there done that - 3 weeks ago. My husband found one of my credit card statements that I'd been hiding. He asked me directly if that was all I owed, and I lied I said yes. The following day I told him I lied and told him the truth - all 42,000 of it.
    Yes he shouted, he swore, mostly he was bitterly disappointed that I'd lied to him.
    It's been hard facing up to the misery I caused, hard to admit I'm a total failure when it comes to money and absolutely embarrassing to sit in the bank and admit to my stupidity, but actually it's been nowhere near as bad as my imagination had led me to believe it would be.
    I had imagined all kinds of dreadful outcomes, most of which would lead to my husband leaving me and none of them have happened.
    We have sorted out the credit cards, they have all been paid. We are in the process of increasing our mortgage to pay off the loans and with the money I have been paying on the debts we have reduced our mortgage length by 5 years, which means hubby can retire earlier and we end up paying 50,000 less!
    I now have my wages paid into a joint account rather than hide them. The relief at not having to dash to the door for the post and answer the phone first is amazing.

    Be prepared to offer some very big compromises, you have betrayed his trust and it will take some time to get it back, meanwhile he's likely going to want to be in charge of the money (and actually - I am finding this a very welcome break and my husband is finding it an education in the cost of food!).

    Tell him, and give him some time. Good luck!
    LBM: May 2010
    Egg Card 7600 Barclaycard 5000. LloydsTSB Card 363. PO Card 2300. Marbles Card 1900 1863.
    LloydsTSB loan 11600 11000, Egg Loan 5600 5500, M&S Loan 8000.
    Overdraft 500
    Total: 42, 363 26,400
  • GEEGEE8
    My boyfriend of 18 months (i know it's not the same) is reallllly picky about people in debt and used to moan on about mates at work that had credit cards and were crap with money. Well, after 1 year I decided I wanted to tell him about my previous bankruptcy 2.5 yrs earlier. He was very annoyed at first, mostly that I hadn't told him, and also that I had gone bankrupt. Once I explained it we were okay, and he's fine with it now, not a problem at all.

    I also had another secret about a weight loss precedure I'd had about 3 yrs earlier. I was going to tell him at the same time but couldn't due to his slightly bad reaction to the bankruptcy. He even asked me if I had anything else to tell him and I said no. I couldn't face it right then.

    I told him about 2-3 months ago about the weight loss procedure, and he was fine with it. I promised that I had no other secrets.

    I feel bad about all of it, the guilt and the covering up, not being honest with him. It doesn't seemed to have caused a problem though and we are fine now.

    You must tell him, you can't carry on, and it might be awkward for a few hours/days, but you will feel so much better afterwards.
  • wishicouldsave
    Hi,
    Hope it all goes well, if i knew how to do those hug things using the keypad i would!

    Hopefully Together you and your husband will be able to sort something out x
    • SuzySu
    • By SuzySu 18th Jun 10, 11:24 AM
    • 3,451 Posts
    • 3,118 Thanks
    SuzySu
    I haven't got anything constructive to add Sarah, other than to say good luck for the weekend. It's awful having this hanging over your head and you will feel better once you've spoken with him. Yes, he might well be angry, but once he's calmed down, you can look at ways of sorting it. You're very brave.
    YOUR = belonging to you (your coat); YOU'RE = you are (I hope you're ok)

    really....it's not hard to understand
    • ceh209
    • By ceh209 18th Jun 10, 11:29 AM
    • 774 Posts
    • 510 Thanks
    ceh209
    I'd advise to take some time looking round this forum today for some constructive ideas. If you have a plan of action of how to deal with the debt, your husband may well be more supportive? *hugs*
    Excuse any mis-spelt replies, there's probably a cat sat on the keyboard
  • JohnD76
    Sarah,

    I have attached the url in post #12. Please give this a good read.
    • eyeopener2
    • By eyeopener2 18th Jun 10, 11:37 AM
    • 2,204 Posts
    • 2,624 Thanks
    eyeopener2
    I hid my debts from my OH until I could no longer rob Peter to pay Paul. She found out one debt and said is this it? I lied and siad yes but then over the next week or so I told all. All 24k of it.

    She went mad, wouldn't speak to me for days or even acknowledge my presence, in fact I left home for a short while but when she saw I was doing something about it (DMP) AND I could show daily that i'd changed my ways she accepted me back.

    Do you know what the actual issue was? It wasn't the debt, it was the fact that I had kept a secret, I hadn't trusted her enough to confide in her or share my worries and problems.

    Everything is now out in the open, it has certainly strengthened our marriage and we talk about everything moneywise no matter how small. I sleep at night now, I don't worry about the post or the phone. Life is much improved (i'm still skint though!)

    Tell you other half, if he finds out his reaction will be much much worse.
    I'm Debt Free 2/09/2013
    Debt at LBM 30/04/2010 24,109.38,
  • and breathe
    Everything is now out in the open, it has certainly strengthened our marriage and we talk about everything moneywise no matter how small. I sleep at night now, I don't worry about the post or the phone. Life is much improved (i'm still skint though!)
    Originally posted by eyeopener2
    I agree, I didn't know it at the time, but the secret was having an impact on our marriage. If we cuddled, I thought about the debt and felt guilty. If we planned to do something, I thought about the debt and felt guilty. If he made me laugh, I thought about the debt and felt sad that I'd betrayed him and he'd leave me...
    So many parts of our lives were affected by this and I thought I was helping us by hiding my problems! It seems ridiculous now, and as I said, it was only 3 weeks ago I confessed all.

    and breathe...
    LBM: May 2010
    Egg Card 7600 Barclaycard 5000. LloydsTSB Card 363. PO Card 2300. Marbles Card 1900 1863.
    LloydsTSB loan 11600 11000, Egg Loan 5600 5500, M&S Loan 8000.
    Overdraft 500
    Total: 42, 363 26,400
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