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  • FIRST POST
    worried
    Has anyone else not told their partner about their debt and got through it?
    • #1
    • 20th Apr 06, 7:20 PM
    Has anyone else not told their partner about their debt and got through it? 20th Apr 06 at 7:20 PM
    Just wondered if anyone has not told their partner and managed to keep it a secret. I can't tell my husband - today he found out his brother is in debt and he has gone on and on about it saying how stupid he is and it is only his fault. I know I will get the same answer and probably worse!!!

    Last edited by MSE Archna; 02-05-2006 at 1:34 PM.
Page 1
    • dottyanne
    • By dottyanne 20th Apr 06, 7:39 PM
    • 1,526 Posts
    • 796 Thanks
    dottyanne
    • #2
    • 20th Apr 06, 7:39 PM
    • #2
    • 20th Apr 06, 7:39 PM
    Just wondered if anyone has not told their partner and managed to keep it a secret. I can't tell my husband - today he found out his brother is in debt and he has gone on and on about it saying how stupid he is and it is only his fault. I know I will get the same answer and probably worse!!!
    by worried

    Hi, I just wanted to say that my heart goes out to you. I too faced this problem not so many weeks ago, i know everyones circumstances are different, but in my case my OH knew we were in debt and roughly who to and rough amounts etc. but left me to do all the finances (home and business) as were self-employed and to cut a long story short, we didnt really change our spending habits to match our reduced incomes. So now were in debt for both personal and business. It hasnt got too out of hand altough i have been really struggling just to get up to date with payments that have fallen into arrears nevermind pay any of the actual debt off.

    Anyway I printed my SOA out and handed it to my OH and left the room - ive never been so terrified of his reaction in my whole life - he was fine!! i got upset and he made me feel better - i felt such a failure etc.. since then although im still left to do the finances - we have agreed that we will sit down and chat about where were up to on a regular basis. I have prepared a budget using martins budget planner, and have worked out that once were up to date then we can live ok within this and have a little left to snowball with each month.

    Its really hard to tell your OH - i made myself ill worying about it - even to the stage of anti-depressants. but im so glad i did tell him - a problem shared is a problem halved so they say and you will always get supprt on here too!

    PM me if you need a private chat, however i will try to support you any way i can. Good luck

    dotty anne
    Focusing on clearing the credit cards in 2018
  • keith lard
    • #3
    • 20th Apr 06, 7:55 PM
    • #3
    • 20th Apr 06, 7:55 PM
    Being in Debt the once any normal person would understand!

    I have never asked my OH for money just understanding!

    I have promised never to do this again, and I wont!

    You can go through life make no mistakes and 'still lose'

    Make actions to get yourself a Debt Free Date and work hard to make it come sooner and if you OH has anything for you they should understand and support you!

    Good Luck!

    Regards

    K.
    If you want to see a rainbow, you have to get used to the rain.
  • Lucifer
    • #4
    • 20th Apr 06, 8:15 PM
    • #4
    • 20th Apr 06, 8:15 PM
    I still haven't told my hubby, we have separate accounts and although he knows I owe money - he has no idea how much. I have completely cut back on my spending and with groceries etc. He hasn't noticed any change in the quality of food I serve (even though I am spending 150 pm less!!). I am slowly chipping away at my debts, I am no longer spending beyond my means and am determined to clear my debts alone. I may be wrong, but I adore him and know that it would really upset him!!
    "I will be debtfree"
  • worried
    • #5
    • 20th Apr 06, 8:28 PM
    • #5
    • 20th Apr 06, 8:28 PM
    That is exactly how I feel plus things haven't been great lately so this could be the final straw. I don't think I could live with him thinking badly of me (if you see what I mean).

    Thanks again for everyone who has replied
  • LookingAhead
    • #6
    • 20th Apr 06, 8:32 PM
    • #6
    • 20th Apr 06, 8:32 PM
    Actually...do you want to tell him is the first question I have...?

    Don't feel you have to be rushed into revealing anything yet. You just need to get a handle on things and a plan/budgets etc.
    Bank Balance: In the black for the moment.
    Sainsburys Loan: Cleared July 2010
    Credit cards: AMEX Airmiles Card: direct debit set to clear balance monthly
  • BertieMeldrew
    • #7
    • 20th Apr 06, 8:33 PM
    • #7
    • 20th Apr 06, 8:33 PM
    ... but left me to do all the finances (home and business) as were self-employed and ...

    ...handed it to my OH and left the room - ive never been so terrified of his reaction in my whole life - he was fine!!
    by dottyanne
    Good for you

    I have to say that if your OH "leaves you to do the finances" then he has to share all responsibility if it doesn't work out! Am glad he evidently did.

    "Abdication of responsibility also forfeits any right to recrimination"... BertieMeldrew April 2005
  • worried
    • #8
    • 20th Apr 06, 8:36 PM
    • #8
    • 20th Apr 06, 8:36 PM
    I don't want to tell him anything, maybe when its sorted............
  • LookingAhead
    • #9
    • 20th Apr 06, 8:42 PM
    • #9
    • 20th Apr 06, 8:42 PM
    OK...if you don't want to tell him then no-one can force you to.


    If you have a plan and you are chipping away then that's good. Have you/are you by the way..?

    But, got to ask...is the house is danger or anything like that? Mortgage/rent is being paid ok?

    I'm sorry - I don't know if you have posted an SOA (Statement of Affairs) but if you have I haven't seen it personally.

    Sometimes if we (as a collective!) can see what sort of debt you are in, we can help point out areas to make savings on.
    Bank Balance: In the black for the moment.
    Sainsburys Loan: Cleared July 2010
    Credit cards: AMEX Airmiles Card: direct debit set to clear balance monthly
  • worried
    I posted it a few weeks ago, but here it is again.

    Monthly Incomings:

    My salary - 411
    Benefits - 68

    Total - 479

    Monthly Outgoings:

    Pay 250 towards mortgage, bills and food
    120 per month car (scheme which can't get out of cos its connected to husbands job)
    5 mobile payg

    Total 375
    Debt

    Barclay loan start balance 15000 over 84 months started June 2003 now owe 10131. 239 per month (don't know APR)
    Barclay loan start balance 13000 over 84 months started August 2004 now owe 10614. 201 per month (don't know APR)
    Cahoot flexible loan owe 9000 started Jan 03 166 per month APR 8.5%
    Capital One credit card 5800 @ 180 per month not sure of APR

    Monthly total 786
  • LookingAhead
    OK I found your original thread...I went on a little hunt

    http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.html?t=171531&page=1&pp=10


    Well, I guess that thread did give you some practical advice. Maybe you are on here tonight for some reassurance that you are not the only one...and indeed you are not my dear!

    My immediate concern for you is how are you making up your shortfall?
    Also, you do need to get your APR's sorted out (can you find your original agreements...they will be on there) because you need to tackle the highest APR first.

    I don't know if you did go and see the Citizens Advice Bureau or not..? I can't answer your questions about people hassling you etc if you are on a DMP as I have not been on one...however someone else who reads this thread may give you some info.

    I am a bit confused why you are paying towards a car linked to your husbands job though :confused: That is a big chunk that would help repay debts (Sorry if I'm stating the obvious!).

    Also, on a personal note, some people very close to me are horribly in debt as well as having been at each others throats (sometimes literally!) for years. They have not split up because of it. She was really furious at first (and sometimes still is but that's because he keeps on spending and he should know better) but she just wants it cleared and wants to work through it. She has lost all respect for her OH because he has not learned from his mistakes at all and I do mean AT ALL and still spends money like it is going out of fashion. If he just knuckled down she would be a lot happier and sadly because of her age and health, she can't work anymore to bring in extra cash!

    I guess what I am saying is, sometimes you think reactions are going to be a hell of a lot worse than they really are. I echo what someone else said in the original thread.....I suspect your hubby suspects some debt too.....

    But anyway, it's always going to be your decision but you can't carry this burden on your own forever...well you can but it may not have great effects on your well being honey.
    Bank Balance: In the black for the moment.
    Sainsburys Loan: Cleared July 2010
    Credit cards: AMEX Airmiles Card: direct debit set to clear balance monthly
  • speakerabbit
    I feel for you I really do. My husband told me yesterday that he has debts of 50K, you can imagine my surprise, lol. Carrying the burden of the lies has been horrific for him and by trying to protect me things spiralled totally out of control. He knows how I feel about debt which made it so much harder. I know the circumstances are not the same, you seem to have gained control of your debts and are doing something positive to address the problem whereas he wasn't. What I'm saying is that my god I'm glad he told me, yes I was angry to start, and yes I suppose I still am but I'm also sympathetic to him too. However I feel right now, he's feeling ten times worse. Honesty worked for us. My anger was more about trust than money.

    This may not work for you but think about it. Consider what may happen if he found out about it by some other way.

    Good luck, I hope this all works out for you and well done again for taking the postive steps to get debt free.

    Amanda
  • Glitterari
    My OH was always aware of my financial situation although not necessarily the extent.

    One day I decided it was time to work out how to get rid of it as quickly as possible. I remember very clearly sitting down with him and telling him the limit on my cc. He started working out repayments to clear it in set time frame - I had to write on a piece of paper and hand it to him how much over the limit I actually was...and I cried and cried. That was a tough day. But he was fabulous about it - back then he knew more about money and understood things like APRs and stuff like that and I didn't. That was only in Sept/Oct last year.

    I couldn't have done this without him...I wasn't upset or worried about his reaction - just totally ashamed at myself.

    It really is your decision to make and I know there is a lot of people on here who are managing it all on their own and I really respect that. If you have a supportive OH though - it could really help you through the real tough times. Good luck.

    Carly xxx
    Proud DFW Nerd #62

    Became Debt Free in Oct 2006 - uni was hard - financially!! Now need to start again.... :rolleyes2

    PROUD TO BE DEALING WITH MY DEBTS
  • Broken hearted
    If you can't talk tp your partner then you don't have a partner , just someone who lives with you. As a person on the other side of this argument not telling is the worst thing you can do.
  • Dr.Lou
    I'm sorry to hear about your problem....I've not been in a similar situation, but if my OH had a problem (whatever it was), I would want him to tell me so we could sort it out together...and visa versa. I know you say he doesn't like debt etc, but if you think about it you could have done something a lot worse to have to confess. If you tell him, perhaps he can help you deal with it in some ways (emotionally and practically)...A problem shared is a problem halved. Good Luck!
    • BACKFRMTHEEDGE
    • By BACKFRMTHEEDGE 21st Apr 06, 2:55 PM
    • 1,198 Posts
    • 1,872 Thanks
    BACKFRMTHEEDGE
    The advantage of sorting it out yourself is that you will not feel like you have been rescued and as time goes on you will become more confident and feel more in control of your life...there's more to marriage than money. Why worry him if you can sort it out alone.
  • nicola1982
    My OH knows about my debts, but he knew my ex who created many of them! He's very supportive which is great!
    4000 challenge

    Currently leftover - 3872.15
    • lynzpower
    • By lynzpower 21st Apr 06, 3:17 PM
    • 24,746 Posts
    • 39,940 Thanks
    lynzpower
    If the OP cannot, and I cant see how they can in fairness, keep up all the debt payments then surely the other half will find out at some point. Be it, a conversation " why dont we save up for a holiday" or "shall we have kids" ( thats th sort of things me & my OH talk about at home quite a bit) I wonder what you can say without lying. I dont think lying or keeping secrets is good for anyones mental health, and I remember with fondness what happened when DottyAnne had her Lighhtbulb moment, and I was watching it all unfold, with a tear in my eye and sheer relief for her when it happened & her OH was suportive. I always think if your OH cant support you in times like this, seriously, whats the point of having them?
    Well aint funny how its the little things in life that mean the most? Not where you live, the car you drive or the price tag on your clothes.
    Theres no dollar sign on piece of mind
    This Ive come to know...
    So if you agree have a drink with me, raise your glasses for a toast
  • Savvysaver27
    Just wanted to say that you shouldn't feel pressured into telling your OH but do think it would be a good idea for you to have someone to offload onto. I recently went through an IVA process as I had debts of around 45,000. I live with my parents but I couldn't tell them and they still have no idea. Instead I confided in one of my closest friends and they have been a great support. Sometimes just knowing someone supports you can be a massive lift and can give you the motivation to start things rolling. Once your finances are looking a bit healthier or you have a plan of action that might be the time to speak to your OH. At least they will be able to see that you are committed to sorting things out.

    Good luck with everything..
  • jesster
    I have debts and I'm clearing them. My OH has debts - or rather HAD - he's recently declared BR.

    We've both been totally honest about our debts with each other. In fact, I have been totally honest with everyone I know about my debts, to the point of broadcasting them live on the radio station I work for! That's my little bit of help at breaking the taboos!

    I'm not saying it's the right thing for everyoneto be totally open, because as lots of people have said, sometimes OHs for whatever reason are utterly unhelpful or even destructive at supporting you through paying them off.

    I think it's a personal choice - you know your OH best, and if you know for sure that it's NOT going to help telling your OH and you're GENUINELY BETTER dealing with it on your own - rather than just scared - then i can understand keeping it secret. And I really really feel for people in this situation, because you must feel really alone.

    But I've met a lot of people with severe debts problems. And for the vast majority, the problems got worse when they tried to keep them secret, particularly because for a lot of people the truth had to come out in the end. Nothing's more destructive than NOT telling someone who WOULD help you, and then it all coming out once the problem's gone past the point of no return, and they hear it from the bailiff, and then feel betrayed and let down that you didn't feel you could tell them.
    Last edited by jesster; 21-04-2006 at 5:44 PM.
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