Wife doesn't love me anymore
Options
Comments
-
Give it a go.
My instinct is that you're being played. I allowed myself to be played for over two decades. No affection, no romance, negative responses to my affection and romance efforts. Occasional passionate spells that come out of nothing, lasting weeks or even months. Suddenly replaced with moribund nothingness.
Your situation may be very different. I hope it is. Googling "narcissist wife" and reading every link possible might be something worth doing. If only to confirm that things aren't the same for you.0 -
She has never been romantic at all, that is just the way she is, and I accept that.
There are some things I want to improve. For example, she is not very physically affectionate (outside the bedroom) towards me recently. But then I see that she is very physically affectionate to our kids - so she can be physically affectionate, but for some reason, not towards me. I put that down to us drifting apart. Yes, things need to change, no I am not going to settle, but I need to be realistic in that these things don't change overnight.
The fact is that despite what she says, I Love her. She still gives me butterflies and knots in my stomach and I have never known anything like it. You don't walk away from that easily.
I am cautiously happy that you are giving it a go, but you must use this time to get professional help.
You are right to spot the inconsistencies in her showing affection for those she loves,
Things do not change overnight, but they can get worse in that the effort she says she is making can be rescinded overnight.
Getting her in front of a professionally trained counsellor will get to the bottom of those anxieties and during that time, at the right moment, you need to tell her about those butterflies and knots.
6 months will pass quickly and there may be a waiting list, do not waste another moment.
If she won't go then go by yourself if you have to, then bring her along.
I wish you the very best!Thanks, don't you just hate people with sigs !0 -
You do not have to become more selfish. You would need to communicate. Not particularly enjoyable to be with one who never knows what he wants.The word "dilemma" comes from Greek where "di" means two and "lemma" means premise. Refers usually to difficult choice between two undesirable options.
Often people seem to use this word mistakenly where "quandary" would fit better.0 -
OP what are you going to do ?
The ball is in her court are you going to make her do the next move?
or are you going to make the best of things and ignore it?0 -
OP what are you going to do ?
The ball is in her court are you going to make her do the next move?
or are you going to make the best of things and ignore it?
He already explained that
My wife and I have now had a good chat.
She can't tell me what prompted her to say what she said as she doesn't know herself.
She said that with drink, things always seem worse than they are and it is more that we have drifted apart a bit and we need to work on "us" more. That is only to be expected with a busy life and two kids. I have made her realise the seriousness of what she said and how I would never tell her I didn't love her unless I meant it.
So we have agreed to more date nights and both making more of an effort in being happy in the relationship. She is willing to try as hard as I am and reassures me that she does love me. She worries that she is not a very romantic person (where as I am) and so she thinks she can't make me happy. I have reassured her that she makes me happy by just being herself and although she isn't very romantic, she shows her love in other ways.
I need to be more selfish and say what I want more as too often I ignore what I want in order to make others happy. I also need to be more positive in things and I think the two are interlinked, as in not saying what I want, it leads to disappointment and unhappiness.
A little voice inside me is still saying to me that she is only trying to keep things ok until something better comes along. Another little voice inside me is saying that she is purposely pushing me away as she had a difficult upbringing (With several dads), and so it is in her psyche to expect me to leave and so when things are good she pushes me away to reaffirm her beliefs that she is not good enough for me. I am trying to ignore the first voice as I think that is born out of my own negativity and I need to focus more on what is good in the relationship. The second voice I think may have something too it, but it is likely to be me over-analysing everything and even if it was true, it can only be up to my wife to solve what ever issues she has. I shall keep an eye on this, and perhaps nudge her in the right direction if she needs it.
So there we go.
We are working on things, both making an effort and I am going to be more assertive of my own wants in the future. If things are still just as bad in 6 months, then I need another chat with my wife.Thanks, don't you just hate people with sigs !0 -
Some advice I got from Relate when seeking counselling with my first husband. You can make a decision now, but you don't have to act on it until you are ready. You might be ready in six weeks, six months, six years but making the decision changes everything. For me, deciding to leave meant I was no longer the one trying to make the relationship work and that was really liberating.
In addition, I'd say the decision you make now is not necessarily the final decision. You can change your mind as and when circumstances change.
Finally, be kind to yourself. Don't expect too much from yourself and cut yourself some slack. But, also do that for your wife.
Good luck.0 -
I think when you reach that point, the outcome is already obvious. The whole point of going to relate to consider saving the relationship is agreeing to both put the efforts in to rekindle what has been lost.For me, deciding to leave meant I was no longer the one trying to make the relationship work and that was really liberating.
If you reach the point of stopping to make any effort and feeling that you don't have to, then you are indeed planning your exit and it becomes about self-protection and what is best for you, not about saving your marriage, so it might as well be the final decision.
I do agree though that if you've reached that point and you know there is no going back and it become about preparing your exit, you need to be honest because it is a very selfish and ill-spirited think to make the other believe that you are still fighting for your marriage when what you are doing is making sure that you are planning your move to make it least devastating for yourself regardless of the impact on your spouse.0 -
That's what it sounds like to me.PeacefulWaters wrote: »Give it a go.
My instinct is that you're being played. I allowed myself to be played for over two decades. No affection, no romance, negative responses to my affection and romance efforts. Occasional passionate spells that come out of nothing, lasting weeks or even months. Suddenly replaced with moribund nothingness.
Your situation may be very different. I hope it is. Googling "narcissist wife" and reading every link possible might be something worth doing. If only to confirm that things aren't the same for you.0 -
I think when you reach that point, the outcome is already obvious. The whole point of going to relate to consider saving the relationship is agreeing to both put the efforts in to rekindle what has been lost.
If you reach the point of stopping to make any effort and feeling that you don't have to, then you are indeed planning your exit and it becomes about self-protection and what is best for you, not about saving your marriage, so it might as well be the final decision.
I do agree though that if you've reached that point and you know there is no going back and it become about preparing your exit, you need to be honest because it is a very selfish and ill-spirited think to make the other believe that you are still fighting for your marriage when what you are doing is making sure that you are planning your move to make it least devastating for yourself regardless of the impact on your spouse.
I do not think it is as simple as that.
For a start I think going to Relate because both parties are too close to be able communicate their feelings is perfectly valid.
I also think Relate can provide closure for if a party who does not want to continue and it helps the other party understand that.
The Counsellors are trained to establish what brought people together in the first place, they also look at childhood and they examine the history from both partner's perspectives. They then explain all this to the two together and ask they if they want to work to save the relationship or seek an amicable end.
Courts currently force couples to try mediation but when kids are involved they should be forced to go to relate just to get them on the same footing with none of the bitterness.
People can also go to relate by themselves to learn how to improves their family relationships or to improve their relationships with a partner they have not met yet.
When a relationship comes to an end there are stages of loss, one person may have lost faith in a partner and truly feel it is over and there is no turning back. Counselling can reassure them that the anxiety can be resolved and overcome.
It may be that dealing with anxiety as a whole through therapies such as CBT could help that partner become stronger. The basis of CBT is that a person feels something and develops anxiety and depression, it shows methods of exploring the assumptions that feeling is based on and then teaches the person to challenge it, verify it and reconsider it.
In a relationship where there is poor communication it hard to explore these things without professional help.
You might feel that "you have reached that point" but with Counselling you may decide it was premature to think it was over. You may have some requests of your partner, even some demands and so might they.
Also in a relationship that is unbalanced one partner can say how they are feeling via the Counsellor and bring the relationship to a more balanced position.
I do not have any connection to Relate but think the process is worthy, especially when their are children involved.Thanks, don't you just hate people with sigs !0 -
OP if your wife had not said anything would you be any the wiser?
Would you have carried on as usual?
Did you ever consider that things might not be quite right?
Did you think you were just going through the ups and downs of marriage?0
This discussion has been closed.
Categories
- All Categories
- 343.2K Banking & Borrowing
- 250.1K Reduce Debt & Boost Income
- 449.7K Spending & Discounts
- 235.3K Work, Benefits & Business
- 608K Mortgages, Homes & Bills
- 173.1K Life & Family
- 247.9K Travel & Transport
- 1.5M Hobbies & Leisure
- 15.9K Discuss & Feedback
- 15.1K Coronavirus Support Boards