Am I over reacting?

last_mile · 10 April 2018 at 4:51PM

we've been trying and he agreed to counseling but every time i try to arrange it he isn't ready for that yet.
he's been diagnosed with depression and anxieties so i feel like i have to bend a little more often than not.
I doubt explaining to him would work he'll just say im doing it on purpose and then it will escalate.
i just want a normal life where being home 15 mins late isnt a big thing or having to go to a dress fitting is a problem even when ive told him in advance

Savvy_Sue · 10 April 2018 at 4:58PM

Children? If not, what are you waiting for. This isn't going to change.

Take TBagpuss's advice, and if he doesn't like it, don't come home at all. Don't tell him that, just don't come home. You've got a few days to work out a strategy for that.

(If there are children, then my advice remains but I recognise it's more complicated.)

Savvy_Sue · 10 April 2018 at 4:59PM

Cross posted with you. Yes, you MAY have to bend a little. But this isn't a little. This is a lot. HE has to deal with HIS anxieties, you can't fix them. Because clearly, even if you do what he wants, he remains anxious.

Newtothis92 · 10 April 2018 at 5:05PM

My partner literally sounds like your parnters twin. In heated arguments when he's angry he will say "I'm not well and you don't care. Why won't you help me?" .. well frankly cos I'm not a psychiatric nurse and have no idea how to help. He becomes that frustrated with himself he could literally have the argument without me being there - nothing I say is taken on board so talking about it isn't an option, as like you said it escalates.

But as I have said you are not a psychiatric nurse nor are you his emotional punch bag. Yes relationships arnt perfect and have to be worked at from both sides but it can't be all you tip toeing around him for an easier life. (Again I wish I could take my own advice)

Personally I'm at the point where I won't mention plans until as close as possible (Like the day before) as I can't deal with the problem it causes from the time I tell him to the time I'm due to go.
I would probably tell him I'll be home when it's over, that'll prob be about 9 or 10 and after a couple of wines let him know it'll be a little later (I too get the constant texts and phonecalls when I'm out). This will probably cause a problem but you going in the first place is also a problem and maybe this will make him realise that you are actually a person, with your own life and own mind that can make your own big girl decisions, Like what time to go home, without his input.

I really really do resonate with how you feel.

pollypenny · 10 April 2018 at 5:11PM

Being 'not well' yet well enough to enjoy a stag do himself, but want OP back home after a short time sounds very calculating to me.

OP, you are not off to see the Chippendales, but a sedate activity followed by a meal. Go and enjoy yourself. Tell your partner to grow up.

hazyjo · 10 April 2018 at 5:12PM

God, I have a friend like this - her BF rings constantly when we're out asking what time she'll be home (they don't even live together!) and I find it so irritating. She's told him once, that should be the end of it! She'll be on the phone through dinner, going outside for cig breaks and ringing him, and her phone constantly flashes with texts and missed calls.

My BF worries when I'm out, and I ring him when I'm on my way home, but that's all I let him get away with! If he tried controlling me, it would end up in one almighty row (first time - not several years into our relationship).

Really not sure how you think all that will fit into a day/night and you being home by 8 lol! I'd be lucky to be in the door before 11pm/midnight on a night out locally with friends!

You don't think maybe they got up to something like strippers/sex shows and, despite enjoying being one of the lads for a change, he's now been mulling it over and wondering what might go on during a hen night and not wanting you to go?

Why's it the first night out you've had in ages? Lack of friends or have you stopped going out to avoid the grief you'll get?

Unfortunately it sounds like it's got out of hand already. Sounds very controlling

You're his partner, not his teenage daughter! Does he trust you or not?!

hazyjo · 10 April 2018 at 5:26PM

Newtothis92 wrote: »

I would probably tell him I'll be home when it's over, that'll prob be about 9 or 10 and after a couple of wines let him know it'll be a little later

Ah, that's the wrong way round - you need to tell someone who's anxious, a worrier or a controller that you'll be home LATER than you're likely to get home. When you walk through the door at 9pm/10pm and you've said it might be 11pm, they're always happy to see you rather than moody lol!

NeilCr · 10 April 2018 at 5:56PM

hazyjo wrote: »

Ah, that's the wrong way round - you need to tell someone who's anxious, a worrier or a controller that you'll be home LATER than you're likely to get home. When you walk through the door at 9pm/10pm and you've said it might be 11pm, they're always happy to see you rather than moody lol!

This. Definitely this.

I used to live with someone who suffered from depression and anxiety and always followed this route. Allowed for travel problems, I could have another beer if I was settled and stopped her worrying.

I would also agree with those who said don't engage with his texts or phone calls. If you do it feeds him and it is, seriously, annoying for those you are with. I used to have an after works drinks with one of my female colleagues. Her husband was for ever ringing to check which train she was going to get and it completely interrupted our conversation. In the end I said something - next time I saw her she said she'd taken note of my comments and left him. I was rather flabbergasted but it has turned out very well - she is now with a lovely guy.

I strongly sympathise with your remarks OP about the diagnosis. My ex was the same and it does cloud your thinking a bit about how to act. I, also, sometimes wasn't entirely sure about whether it was the illness talking or that she knew that certain actions would get a reaction. In the end I decided that I needed to get out and enjoy myself - it made me feel better and relaxed and it was good for her as I was able to be stronger and supportive around her. To be fair to my ex (whose strength in dealing with her issues I really admire although she could be a pain in the butt!) she wasn't as controlling as your OH is re going out.

As others have said don't let him control you. My ex was controlling in certain areas and it's all too easy, sometimes, to give in.

My only other thought is about the length of time you are going to be out. It's not a question of you going out earlier and he thinks (not that he should) that if you are going out it should be for about the same time as he was, is it?

barbiedoll · 10 April 2018 at 7:14PM

I do think that people who are just needy, jealous and controlling, can use the “anxiety and depression” card as a way of justifying their actions.

I have a friend who suffers with anxiety and (occasionally) depression and although she may worry if her partner or children are out later than expected, she doesn’t use it as a reason to make everyone stay at home. If anything, she tries really hard to encourage her kids to go out and have fun, her one big fear is that they end up like she has, scared and anxious, and unable to ever really enjoy life.

On the other hand, a colleague of mine has constantly used her “anxiety” to try to keep her (admittedly selfish) husband by her side. She now uses the same tactic to ensure that her grown-up children accompany her everywhere, she says that she can’t get on public transport alone (a big old lie, she manages perfectly well when it suits her) and she insists that she gets very stressed when visiting so everyone has to go to her place for Christmas, birthdays and so on.

I was married to a control freak. I didn’t realise how abnormal it was until I got together with my current husband. We had just started living together and I was having a big night out with some work colleagues. I told him that I would call him later to let him know what time I was coming home. He asked why on earth I would do that? His only condition was that I was to call him immediately if I was in any trouble or needed a lift home. My ex would have sulked for days if I hadn’t called him during the night, and I would have been expected to be home by a certain time. I thought this was normal in a marriage (if a bit unfair)

OP; you don’t need to succumb to his anxieties, nor to his demands. Treat him like you would a demanding and unreasonable toddler. Stay calm, repeat over and over that you will be going out, you may/will be late and you won’t be answering calls or texts unless it’s a life-threatening emergency.

Stay strong and enjoy your night out!

Zeni · 10 April 2018 at 11:26PM

Last mile, I had a read of your old posts over a year ago that seem to be about the same thing and it seems not a lot has changed

This is a lot to live with all the time and must put you under a lot of stress.

I think you need to separate out things that are explained away by his condition and things that are just wrong. The emotional manipulation and control is not ok. He is clearly showing that while he can do things, you are not allowed to and what he 'wants' in regards to you coming home at a certain time. Has he actually asked you if its something you want to go to? His anxiety and depression are his to deal with. I get it my own husband has depression and there are times when you go a bit more out of the way to help them out but at the end of the day you are still a person to and need timeout!

Another part of it is that they need to learn how to deal with these situations if they are causing anxiety because you aren't going to sit at home with him 24/7 so if he never goes through these he will never get better either. In fact, every time he successfully makes you stay at home I'd imagine while its nice for that time because he's not angry/upset at you in the long run it will just get worse as you staying home is a reward almost and makes him feel better. A bit like phobias, psychologists say that when we avoid phobias we actually make them worse because we reward ourselves for avoiding that thing and then the phobias grows even more.

Am I over reacting?

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