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    • Vault101
    • By Vault101 2nd Mar 17, 11:39 AM
    • 1Posts
    • 0Thanks
    Advice needed - House or Wedding?
    • #1
    • 2nd Mar 17, 11:39 AM
    Advice needed - House or Wedding? 2nd Mar 17 at 11:39 AM
    Hi - first post - sorry if this is in the wrong place.

    My GF and I are locked in a bit of a dispute at the moment. She wants to get married, and knows exactly what she wants in a wedding (and wants a big-ish wedding and there's little room for negotiation)

    I also want to get married, and make her happy and give her what she wants, but I want us to save for and buy a house first. I think it's sensible to get a permanent roof over our heads and to not be paying rent for longer than we need before spending thousands on a wedding.

    I was just curious as to people's opinions on this? I appreciate that there's no right answer - but I'm always made to feel like I'm in the wrong about it, which has left me wondering perhaps I am.

Page 1
    • midnightraven3
    • By midnightraven3 2nd Mar 17, 11:43 AM
    • 2,747 Posts
    • 6,673 Thanks
    • #2
    • 2nd Mar 17, 11:43 AM
    • #2
    • 2nd Mar 17, 11:43 AM
    I couldn't pay thousands for a wedding without having a secure roof over my head. It wouldnt even be a question. If I wanted to get married before buying a house, it would be a simple small affair and every penny towards the house as possible
    • Gloomendoom
    • By Gloomendoom 2nd Mar 17, 11:50 AM
    • 13,754 Posts
    • 18,035 Thanks
    • #3
    • 2nd Mar 17, 11:50 AM
    • #3
    • 2nd Mar 17, 11:50 AM
    I couldn't pay thousands for a wedding without having a secure roof over my head. It wouldnt even be a question. If I wanted to get married before buying a house, it would be a simple small affair and every penny towards the house as possible
    Originally posted by midnightraven3
    Plenty of married couples live in rented accommodation.
    Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience. - Mark Twain
    • Out, Vile Jelly
    • By Out, Vile Jelly 2nd Mar 17, 11:58 AM
    • 3,924 Posts
    • 13,361 Thanks
    Out, Vile Jelly
    • #4
    • 2nd Mar 17, 11:58 AM
    • #4
    • 2nd Mar 17, 11:58 AM
    I personally wouldn't marry anyone who had such fixed ideas about weddings that there was no room for "negotiation." Newsflash: married life mainly consists of negotiation and compromise.
    They are an EYESORES!!!!
    • tanith
    • By tanith 2nd Mar 17, 12:05 PM
    • 7,982 Posts
    • 8,589 Thanks
    • #5
    • 2nd Mar 17, 12:05 PM
    • #5
    • 2nd Mar 17, 12:05 PM
    House over wedding any day.
    #6 of the SKI-ers Club

    "All that is necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing" Edmund Burke
    • ripplyuk
    • By ripplyuk 2nd Mar 17, 12:06 PM
    • 1,726 Posts
    • 1,596 Thanks
    • #6
    • 2nd Mar 17, 12:06 PM
    • #6
    • 2nd Mar 17, 12:06 PM
    I'd prefer to be married before buying a house. It just feels more secure legally if a break up happens.

    Is your GF happy to keep renting instead? Lots of girls dream of a big wedding, but does she accept that she can't have both the fancy wedding and a house that you both own as well? It's a bit worrying that she won't compromise at all. Sounds like her priorities are very different to yours.
    • Voyager2002
    • By Voyager2002 2nd Mar 17, 12:09 PM
    • 12,051 Posts
    • 8,194 Thanks
    • #7
    • 2nd Mar 17, 12:09 PM
    • #7
    • 2nd Mar 17, 12:09 PM
    I personally wouldn't marry anyone who had such fixed ideas about weddings that there was no room for "negotiation." Newsflash: married life mainly consists of negotiation and compromise.
    Originally posted by Out, Vile Jelly

    And I have to say that a wedding can be a joyous occasion and a good party for family and friends for a few hundred pounds. The desire to have a large and elaborate ceremony that one really cannot afford is immature in the extreme, and makes me think that she is just not ready for marriage to anyone.
    • ceb1995
    • By ceb1995 2nd Mar 17, 12:20 PM
    • 232 Posts
    • 535 Thanks
    • #8
    • 2nd Mar 17, 12:20 PM
    • #8
    • 2nd Mar 17, 12:20 PM
    Marriage should be about compromise and so you could work together to try to have both if you can afford it. It's taken a bit of budgeting and bargain hunting but we're getting married in october this year and should have a house deposit together for around a year later.

    Sure, our wedding isnt going to be tiny but it's not big either, i did personally want to be married around the time of buying a house together but if we couldn't have saved for both in a timescale we were both happy with i'd have happily gone down to the registry office just us two as the house is more important than one day.

    Perhaps you need to sit down and have a serious conversation about what you need to save for a house and see if she's willing to compromise on a wedding, it's not a good start to a marriage if she can't compromise on this and would have me wondering if it was the wedding that is important to her rather than being married to you.
    Current mortgage balance: 141,197.82
    original end date: 12th march 2058
    End date goal: 12th march 2045
    • davidwood123
    • By davidwood123 2nd Mar 17, 12:25 PM
    • 449 Posts
    • 1,141 Thanks
    • #9
    • 2nd Mar 17, 12:25 PM
    • #9
    • 2nd Mar 17, 12:25 PM

    Don't be one of the idiots out there competing to outdo their friends wedding last year by spending far too much on what is basically one day.

    The wedding day is not important. It won't mean the marriage will be more or less successful. What matters is the relationship.
    • SunnyCyprus
    • By SunnyCyprus 2nd Mar 17, 12:26 PM
    • 65 Posts
    • 167 Thanks
    Maybe draw up a "needs & wants" list, my fianc! and I did this yesterday, big bit of paper, any "needs" get written down and highlighted in pink, "wants" become yellow, also write any known costs next to each thing. (And add your debts to it as well! No hidden credit cards!)

    So everything went on there, from our wedding in 3 years time, to the next MOT, to the passport renewals and costs. Then highlighted each thing in the assigned colour, and number prioritised each item.
    From that we could see that 1 car needs MOT next week, 1 passport needs renewing by end of needs a checkup in a few weeks ...and finally the wedding Wants to be saved for.

    Upshot of it all, there is a certain amount of money we Need to save each month if we Want these things. If you and your girlfriend take 10 minutes to draw this up, you'll both see each thing you are planning to do and how important each thing is for you personally.

    Negotiate, and a bit of compromise and you both might see that your finances show which thing can be done first.. maybe you get a home together so you can pool your savings for the wedding which might happen a couple of years from now? Both things happen, just one comes before the other.

    Good luck x
    If you want to do something, you will find a way.
    If you don't, then you will find an excuse...
    • Mojisola
    • By Mojisola 2nd Mar 17, 12:28 PM
    • 29,120 Posts
    • 74,431 Thanks
    I also want to get married, and make her happy and give her what she wants, but I want us to save for and buy a house first.
    Originally posted by Vault101
    And does she want to make you happy and give you what you want?

    When you both want very different things, you have to reach a compromise - if you can't, don't get married.
    • sk240
    • By sk240 2nd Mar 17, 12:33 PM
    • 446 Posts
    • 223 Thanks
    The house should be the priority by far, otherwise you may be in the situation where you use up your deposit (if you have one) on the wedding, making the house an imposible thing.
    Wheras if you buy the house, you can then save for the wedding in a couple of years time.
    That way you will get both, instead of possibly only getting married, and then never onto the propery ladder.
    So its one a day wedding, and rent forever, or a possible home for a lifetime, and a short wait for the big wedding.
    Sounds like a no brainer to me....

    The big wedding is a no go too by the way, this is a money saving site :-)
    • DigForVictory
    • By DigForVictory 2nd Mar 17, 12:34 PM
    • 7,588 Posts
    • 21,678 Thanks
    For me, house but I'm pretty fireproof to social media & the Wedding Business Hype.
    If Herself is unwilling, get her on this site - not just this thread! but all the OS ways to may every penny squeak & you may find she gets still more ideas, but better ways of paying for them.

    Plus a possible interest in househunting - after all, all that creative energy has to go somewhere after the wedding planning & planning how the house will look & in what order things need doing?

    Makes wedding presents for those not skilled in Wedding Industry subsidiary areas (flowers, cravats, placement etc) can offer plumbing, tiling & electrical etc hours as a more than acceptable gift instead.
    • Money maker
    • By Money maker 2nd Mar 17, 12:54 PM
    • 4,964 Posts
    • 11,284 Thanks
    Money maker
    For me it would be house. For you, the wedding. Too many peeps posting about having bought a house 6 month ago and have split up. Given that you can't agree about this, I suggest you hold on a while and see if you want to get married first. Ask her to compromise - your wedding day is only 24 hours long, is it really worth *****'s spent on one day?
    Please do not quote spam as this enables it to 'live on' once the spam post is removed.

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    • Malthusian
    • By Malthusian 2nd Mar 17, 12:59 PM
    • 3,918 Posts
    • 6,117 Thanks
    One way or another you need to have an adult conversation between the two of you. "People on the Internet agree with me" is not a persuasive argument. I suspect that most people will agree with you that the house takes priority, but that's because you chose this particular forum. If you had asked the question on, say, a website aimed at women who are planning their weddings (or fantasising about it) then you would probably get the opposite response.

    I'd prefer to be married before buying a house. It just feels more secure legally if a break up happens.
    Originally posted by ripplyuk
    Secure for whom? Without being cynical about it, probably more secure for whoever is paying less towards the house. In the event of a breakup a married person can use arguments about the needs of children or their contribution to the overall household to gain a share in the house whereas an unmarried person has to show that they were paying towards the mortgage or otherwise had a beneficial interest.
    • suki1964
    • By suki1964 2nd Mar 17, 12:59 PM
    • 10,869 Posts
    • 28,893 Thanks
    You are right, there's is no right or wrong

    A partnership, be it married or cohabiting, is all about compromise. Life as a whole is about compromise.

    You both want marraige, which is good, at least you both agree on that. But then what do you both want after that? Mortgage, kids, foreign travel, emigrate ?

    You both need to sit down and discuss what it is you want to achieve and in what time frame and then discuss how you can achieve this

    There's a thread on debt free diarys where someone has posted their debt which was run up having the wedding and honeymoon they wanted. They are now realising how the debt is impacting not only on their lives, but their kids lives as now every penny they have is going on repayments and their is no money for treats, holidays etc

    Me and DH have never had debt, only a mortgage which we paid off in 13 years. We done house first, marraige second. Our wedding day was fantastic and memorable, and we done it on a shoe string. What was important was getting married, not a frock and party for people we hardly knew
    if you lend someone 20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it
    • ringo_24601
    • By ringo_24601 2nd Mar 17, 1:07 PM
    • 17,150 Posts
    • 27,896 Thanks
    House prices rise faster than wedding costs. Buy the house, delay the wedding

    OR - insist on her parents paying for it all if she wants to be so traditional
    • nkkingston
    • By nkkingston 2nd Mar 17, 1:08 PM
    • 465 Posts
    • 534 Thanks
    We went house first, but I know a lot of people are wary of that because it's much stickier if you split up. What's your saving scheme like? How long would it take you to save for both a wedding and a deposit (though dear god, don't try and buy a house and organise a wedding at the same time!)? Are there sacrifices you're willing to make in you quality of living to get either or both faster? Are there sacrifices in either or both you're willing to make to maintain your standard of living and get there faster?

    Side note: Organising a wedding is much harder than buying a house (trust me!) so you may want to have a discussion about the division of labour required in both. The cheaper the house or the wedding, the more work it takes.

    One thing I would add is that it's possible she's being realistic about wedding costs, rather than dreaming of a super fancy day. You'd be stunned by the number of blokes who think wining and dining 200 people in a rented venue is something you can pull off for a couple of thousand quid, including clothes and decorations, and get very nasty sticker shock when it turns out they've also got to cover renting chairs, tables, crockery, cutlery, hotplates, waiters... That the average wedding in the UK is 20k (or 25k? I've lost track) is partly inflated by some very silly events, it's true, but most couples are spending the vast majority of their wedding fund on venue and food. It's not decor, it's not dresses, it's not honeymoons and hen parties: it's three courses plus wine for toasting, a roof to eat it under, a table to eat it at, and someone to prepare it. You absolutely can have a beautiful and emotional day for under 1000, but only for a small number of guests. If great auntie joan was planning to gift you a deposit towards your house, she may not take kindly to being told she didn't make the cut. You need to have a conversation about why she wants the wedding she does. If she's got a big extended family she's close to and wants to celebrate with, there are ways to keep costs down (ah, family labour!) but there's a bottom line you're going to run into. If she just wants a 5k dress... there are definitely savings that can be made there!
    June 2016: 93,295
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    • Grenage
    • By Grenage 2nd Mar 17, 1:18 PM
    • 1,423 Posts
    • 1,330 Thanks
    You can't live in a wedding; I know what I'd pick.
    • PasturesNew
    • By PasturesNew 2nd Mar 17, 1:20 PM
    • 62,177 Posts
    • 363,932 Thanks
    Definitely a house. A house is for life - a wedding's just an expensive day that's pretty meaningless to everybody except the bride in all honesty.
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