Direct cremations

I think a key thing would be to talk to your son to see what his views are. For instance, was it it that he thought you literally meant no funeral, and that it was framed as 'we don't want any kind of church or crematorium service' he would feel differently?

Or might it be that the idea of discussing death and funerals was distressing to him, rather than the content of the discussion?

I think you are doing the right thing in thinking and talking about it ahead of time - people do get very stressed and upset when someone dies if they want to do what that person would have wanted, but don't know what that was (or where different family members have strong and opposing views about what heir wishes would have been)

A relative of ours died recently and one thing which made it easier was that she had planned ahead - she'd left notes about what she would like for the service, literally the only thing that had to decided was which order the hymns she had picked out should be sung, during the service.

It may be in your case that framing it as 'we'd like there to be a gathering for people we cared about to have the chance to meet and remember us, if they want, but we would prefer that that isn't in a church or chapel, and isn't too formal'

Structure and ritual are very important and a lot of people fund them helpful in dealing with grief - so it might be useful, and may help your son, if you do set out some guidelines - even if it is just "we'd like the practical arrangements to be as economical as possible - go with the cardboard coffin since it is going to be burned"
or
"at the gathering, we'd suggest maybe have some photos on display, music playing - here's a list of some of our favourites - perhaps one of you could say a few words just to encourage others to share memories if they want, and make sure there's plenty to eat and drink"

Also - consider whether you would be OK to have (say) a humanist 'minister' , or some other individual to MC the event and say a few words, and let the children know that that would be fine *if they wanted it* - in other words, frame it as "We don't want or need any ceremony for us, but if you decide it would help you, we'd rather it was non-religious / not at the crematorium"

That way, you are giving them permission to grieve and mark your deaths the way they need to, but giving them suggestions so you feel you end up with something that follows your wishes and beliefs as well.

CathA wrote: »

Knowing my luck, someone would trip and drop me and the glue wouldn't have worked on the lid! I've got visions of me sliding across the floor, undertakers scrabbling about trying to get me back in the coffin.

CathA yes those are the best funerals to go to.

i was at a funeral and the elderly vicar arrived to welcome the coffin and i said "its private godfrey" . it got a good laugh and mourners we're laughing and crying at the same time. He was a Cannon and his name was Frank Ball church at sheffield, Cannon Ball.

My husband and I purchased two pre-paid funeral plans from Pure Cremation for our 30th Wedding Anniversary. We don't have children, but the rest of our family responded positively to the news, and my mother has since gone on to purchase one for herself too.

My husband and I want our ashes scattering together, when the time comes, but following our death we have just said that the remaining one will take family and friends out for a pub lunch so people can chat and raise a glass.

It's such a huge relief knowing that the person left behind doesn't have any planning or arranging to do, other than phoning the cremation team to advise of the death. It seems like a win-win for everyone.

Our son died over the New Year. A direct cremation simply wasn't an option as he didn't want anyone to be upset, & his grandparents Absolutely Expected a funeral of some sort. The funeral directors did a passable job (forgot one grandmother throughout, didn't use email, but got it done).

This "leave me for the binmen" joke is just ducking a couple of grands worth of safe disposal of biological waste, let alone taking care of those left behind. The crem service was tiny, the memorial service will have to be bigger, & better timed, to allow former teachers & colleagues & schoolmates & fellow Scouts to attend.

Definitely talk now, but also leave it open for your children to do what brings them comfort at the time.

I'm all for direct cremation for myself, so long as my family spend the rest of the money on a *huge* family party - the sort & size where you end up meeting distant relatives & even marrying one.

2eOarr- am appropriate response/ posting ?
DigForVictory
I can’t think what to say about the loss of a child. Condolences.
These kind of threads always end up running to stupid things like ‘ I say put me out with the recycling’ don’t they , at best useless at worst distressing.
Be nice folks . How about turning to the look at the person who you love most in the world and asking yourself if you would really find it hilarious if instead of offering fond rememberers of them on their death people called on you to say “ have you thrown him on the compost heap ?
“Wouldn’t it be a right laugh if the coffin fell open and her body slid down the road ? “
How you would laugh .