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  • FIRST POST
    • Retireby40
    • By Retireby40 26th Aug 19, 8:56 PM
    • 54Posts
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    Retireby40
    How long is too long to be engaged.
    • #1
    • 26th Aug 19, 8:56 PM
    How long is too long to be engaged. 26th Aug 19 at 8:56 PM
    Me and my partner have recently got engaged (last couple of weeks) . We had talked abit after the engagement about summer 2020 however I really believe now thinking about everything logically we are better waiting to summer 2021.

    The reasons why are below.

    - when talking previously before engagement we always had in mind 2021.

    -we are still quite young (early 30s so no need to rush)

    - we are in the process of expanding our business hence money is needed for that and while we are not short of money or need loans etc maybe the wedding planning will distract our business during an important year.

    - we have 2 potentially 3 weddings to attend next summer. Before ours but again a busy expensive time.

    - lastly we live abroad and I will need to give my family plenty of time to prepare and save in order to be able to afford to travel abroad (within europe) for the wedding.

    Logic says wait to 2021 however my other half seems so set now on 2020 cause we had talked about it and how it may work. We will be going to view a few places and discuss prices and stuff but it's a situation that's troubling me.

    We are very comfortable together are very happy. We want a family and my other half is adamant we are married before children. I'm neither here nor there I'm not really old school she is.

    I guess I'm just thinking how I approach this as she has now that hope of 2020 and for me to kill that off maybe it can make things difficult between us.

    Anybody any experience waiting that bit longer and it worked out much better.
Page 1
    • elsien
    • By elsien 26th Aug 19, 9:06 PM
    • 19,875 Posts
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    elsien
    • #2
    • 26th Aug 19, 9:06 PM
    • #2
    • 26th Aug 19, 9:06 PM
    Early thirties isn't young for a woman wanting a child.
    By saying "for me to kill that off" you're effectively saying it's your decision and it get the final say, not a joint one. That's far more likely to be damaging to your relationship than anything else.

    Getting married appears to be more important to her than to you, possibly because of that clock ticking. Putting other people's wedding ahead of your own is likely to go down like a lead balloon.
    It doesn't matter what other people's experience of waiting is. You and your OH need to communicate about what your priorities are. Weddings don't have to take over your life. If getting married and starting a family at the priority then you can have a simple cheap do a road to tie the knot. If you want all the bells and whistles then affordability and planning come more into it.
    Last edited by elsien; 26-08-2019 at 9:09 PM.
    All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well.

    Pedant alert - it's could have, not could of.
    • Retireby40
    • By Retireby40 26th Aug 19, 9:32 PM
    • 54 Posts
    • 37 Thanks
    Retireby40
    • #3
    • 26th Aug 19, 9:32 PM
    • #3
    • 26th Aug 19, 9:32 PM
    Thanks for the reply.

    I'm not trying to be in control and decide it. I'm trying to form a logical plan and with all things considering I think it could be logical waiting.

    On the other hand I could get married next summer. it's not other weddings taken priority over my own it is mainly just that it will be a congested period and again while money isn't overly a worry it's finding the right day too suit. And one of those weddings is infact her best friend. So it isn't like it's my friends weddings.

    When I say early 30s my other half is 31. There's plenty of women have children at 34-35.

    Getting married is definitely more important to her than me. I want something small she wants more.

    I will have 20 guests she will have about 50-60.

    It's going to be in her home town with everyone she knows and wants there and I will have to obviously settle for less as it isn't practical that my friends and family with young families have to take a week of work to come along with the expense. Hence why I wanted to give them abit more time.

    Also while we are ok financially her parents have already said they will pay her half of the wedding. Guests and dress etc and I will pay my half. My parents unfortunately are no longer with us, not that I would want them around just for the money I don't have the same support financially. It's another huge reason wedding isn't important as my closest family are no longer here to see it. I am an only child so no siblings, nieces, nephews etc.

    So while I do want to get married for sure for me I'm in no rush 2020 or 2021 isn't that much of a difference for me.

    Also the new business venture will need our dedication and I just feel she will be distracted with the wedding planning and the business may suffer slightly.
    • gettingtheresometime
    • By gettingtheresometime 27th Aug 19, 10:05 PM
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    gettingtheresometime
    • #4
    • 27th Aug 19, 10:05 PM
    • #4
    • 27th Aug 19, 10:05 PM
    Ok it's not the same thing but I was once in a position where I had to organise a Ladies Night as my husband was master of his Masonic lodge, as did the other Masters' wives.

    I found that when were attending someone's Ladies Night the topic of conversation would always be turned to the next
    Ladies Night rather than enjoying that particular evening.

    What I'm trying to say is that if the attendees of the other weddings would attend your wedding then it might be nicer for you to wait until 2021 for the same reason.

    Also (& I wouldn't try to guilt trip her) but you do need to discuss who you would like to attend & the implications for a 2020 wedding would have for them.
    • p00hsticks
    • By p00hsticks 28th Aug 19, 10:39 AM
    • 7,151 Posts
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    p00hsticks
    • #5
    • 28th Aug 19, 10:39 AM
    • #5
    • 28th Aug 19, 10:39 AM
    -we are still quite young (early 30s so no need to rush)
    Originally posted by Retireby40
    We want a family and my other half is adamant we are married before children..
    Originally posted by Retireby40
    As elsien says, early thirties isn't young in terms of starting a family - women over thirty five used to be referred to in maternity terms as 'geriatric mothers'

    If you are serious about wanting a family - especially if it's more than one child - and your partner feels she need to be married first, then I'd say the sooner the wedding the better.


    If she's 31 now, then she's going to be (getting on for) 33 by the time you get married if you leave it till 2021, and you can't assume she'll fall pregnant straight away - for many couples it simply doesn;t work out that way.
    Last edited by p00hsticks; 28-08-2019 at 10:56 AM.
    • Retireby40
    • By Retireby40 29th Aug 19, 7:51 AM
    • 54 Posts
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    Retireby40
    • #6
    • 29th Aug 19, 7:51 AM
    • #6
    • 29th Aug 19, 7:51 AM
    Society has changed a lot since when things "used to be" and while a woman body is still works in the way it did 50 years ago we have seen a clear shift in the ages of people having kids.

    We do want a family but we want the family to be brought up in a household that isn't scrapping or just getting by and the work we do between now and then will have a significant impact on that. If our business goes well (we own it jointly) we are basically set in full time employment for the foreseeable future with the potential for the kids to take over down the line.

    However this next year is vital and if we take our eye of the ball and don't give it 100% focus the business may not achieve what it can.

    People are saying 33 is old for a mother. I get that the optimal time is probably in 20s however had we had kids in our 20s we would have been set up to struggle. I see so many 20 somethings having kids and struggling. Not everyone but many because they aren't in a financially strong position. They are in and out of rented accommodation and often they aren't even mature enough themselves to accept their life comes second.

    I do wonder if I had came on here saying oh my relatively new girlfriend is 31-32 and I want kids in a few years I may dump her and look for a younger model I dare say the narrative would be different. There would be many arguing women can and do have kids at 34/35/36/37 etc and it isn't against the norm now.
    • elsien
    • By elsien 30th Aug 19, 12:08 PM
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    elsien
    • #7
    • 30th Aug 19, 12:08 PM
    • #7
    • 30th Aug 19, 12:08 PM
    No one is saying women shouldn't have children later in life. We are saying that the older a woman is the less fertile she is, and the chances of having a child with a disability also increases.
    You are correct that many women in their thirties and older have successful pregnancies with little difficulty. But it is still a factor to consider, along with the others you have mentioned, and it may be a higher priority to your partner than to you.
    It does seem odd as well her family talking about "your half and her half" of the wedding costs. Well it does to me anyway. Surely you both put on what you can, and if family want to help it goes into the joint pot?m

    Either way, it's you explaining your reasonings, she explaining hers, then communicating till you reach a decision you can both live with.
    Last edited by elsien; 30-08-2019 at 12:13 PM.
    All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well.

    Pedant alert - it's could have, not could of.
    • Mojisola
    • By Mojisola 30th Aug 19, 12:17 PM
    • 31,553 Posts
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    Mojisola
    • #8
    • 30th Aug 19, 12:17 PM
    • #8
    • 30th Aug 19, 12:17 PM
    Either way, it's you explaining your reasonings, she explaining hers, then communicating till you reach a decision you can both live with.
    Originally posted by elsien
    And if you can't do this over the wedding, don't get married because it won't last.
    • DD265
    • By DD265 30th Aug 19, 2:44 PM
    • 1,827 Posts
    • 4,404 Thanks
    DD265
    • #9
    • 30th Aug 19, 2:44 PM
    • #9
    • 30th Aug 19, 2:44 PM
    We had a 23 month engagement and that worked for us. We got engaged in April 2016, and knew that the kind of wedding we wanted 2017 was too much pressure financially, so settled on March 2018.

    It worked for us, but we didn't (still don't) feel the pressure to have children soon and I'm also 31. From what I gather, for a woman of any age whose clock has started ticking, you can't escape that feeling of wanting a child ASAP.

    Weddings are as cheap or as expensive, and low-key or intensive planning as you want to make them. One of the downsides to a longer engagement is having more time to find things you want to spend money on that you hadn't thought of before, or to change your mind on something you'd already committed to.

    I would say:
    1) don't count on gifts from family until the money is in the bank; I've heard some horror stories. If her family are paying half, the two of you pay the balance, but have a plan B.
    2) check when your 'must be there' guests can make it. People can be limited by school terms or work commitments, not just finances.
    3) consider getting married out of season; it's cheaper (we saved 5k by going for a Friday in March; the next day would've been more expensive) and often there is better availability. You may find that looking now for 2020 means your preferred vendors have limited openings. Additionally, fewer weddings in the off season can mean guests have a better chance of making yours.

    Ultimately, you've got to decide between you, but even a 2021 wedding is going to mean doing some of the planning now if you want plenty of choice.
    Credit Cards 2019 - 6050/8000 paid off - 75.6%
    • Robin9
    • By Robin9 30th Aug 19, 2:52 PM
    • 4,972 Posts
    • 3,244 Thanks
    Robin9
    My wife and I met in August, got engaged the next May, sorted a date within a couple of weeks and married in October. I really can't see the point in delaying. Straightforward church wedding, afternoon reception in a village hall by 5 o'clock we were off on honeymoon.
    Never pay on an estimated bill
    • Retireby40
    • By Retireby40 30th Aug 19, 3:15 PM
    • 54 Posts
    • 37 Thanks
    Retireby40
    Because the wedding is overseas in partners country which involves me organising 20+ guest to come when it suits them and when their kids are not in school to an area where they need connecting flights.

    That's why it is slightly more complicated. Also we have a business which runs September to June non stop where we can't be away from it at all so it limits us a little bit.
    • 74jax
    • By 74jax 2nd Sep 19, 7:29 AM
    • 5,168 Posts
    • 7,246 Thanks
    74jax
    Because the wedding is overseas in partners country which involves me organising 20+ guest to come when it suits them and when their kids are not in school to an area where they need connecting flights.

    That's why it is slightly more complicated. Also we have a business which runs September to June non stop where we can't be away from it at all so it limits us a little bit.
    Originally posted by Retireby40
    Guest can organise themselves surely...... I've never had, or expected the actual wedding party to organise me.... including a family wedding in mexico.

    You book Your wedding to suit you and your partner. Yes it's good if people can come but you seem to be putting a lot of emphasis on others.

    Pick a date in July or August and go for it. In school time may be more expensive. Being abroad is expect half the people you think too.
    Forty and fabulous, well that's what my cards say....
    • welshbabe88
    • By welshbabe88 11th Sep 19, 12:59 PM
    • 83 Posts
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    welshbabe88
    The costs of the wedding should be decided and shared between you as a couple - irrespective of what her parents say.

    Looks like she has made her mind up for next year already anyway.

    Not sure how far it is but will you get your 20 friends to travel that far?

    If its in her home town I'd just let her get on with it. otherwise you'll have 2years of wedding talk instead of one!
    • suejb2
    • By suejb2 11th Sep 19, 7:38 PM
    • 1,602 Posts
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    suejb2
    Wedding
    I was engaged 12 years!
    You pick a date, your fianc! picks a date. Then pick one halfway between.
    Life is like a bath, the longer you are in it the more wrinkly you become.
    • HampshireH
    • By HampshireH 22nd Sep 19, 10:35 AM
    • 1,831 Posts
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    HampshireH
    We were engaged 9 months

    We knew when we got engaged that it meant getting married fairly quickly as we had always discussed not having a long engagement.

    If we couldn't have done it that way we would have waited to get engaged.

    It's what works for both of you. The whole her half your half is odd.

    Surely it's your (as in both of you) half and then the half her made t's have offered to help you both financially.
    • suki1964
    • By suki1964 22nd Sep 19, 10:58 AM
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    suki1964
    We were married within a year of getting engaged, although it took 12 years to get to the engaged stage

    Had no dates chosen, were just planning a holiday when we decided to make it a honeymoon so popped off to the registrars office and booked the first date and time that fitted in with us, about two months

    Your wife to be wants the traditional wedding and wedding before children. You live and work abroad. Why not have the wedding ceremony at her home town with just her family and you and your best man, then have a blessing ceremony were you live and work so that all your friends can attend that?

    Would really be no different then those that book a wedding abroad and then come home for a party for their friends
    if you lend someone 20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it
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