Project Mortgage Neutral Begins

My stressful time is nearly over for a few weeks.

Today is Mr AJMs last day in his current school, he hasn't said anything but I know he is worried in case he is making the wrong decision. He is a worrier like me so nothing I say will make a difference until he starts his new job in August and has given it a few weeks.

We fly south today ready for our big work event on Saturday. My stress levels are through the roof at the moment, I am hoping they will subside a little once we have all arrived tonight. We have a lot of rehearsing ahead of us tomorrow which I hope will also steady my panic levels, there is nothing I can do if they aren't great. Tomorrow night we are out for dinner as we are celebrating my dad's retirement, he is using the weekend as a celebration and then by about 2pm on Saturday all my stresses should be over. Fly home on Sunday, pack for Thailand and go back to the airport for our holiday on Monday.

First day back wasn't too bad. I managed to leave the office just before 4pm so met my goal for the day today's goals are not to be in the office before 11am and to leave by 4pm. It should give me plenty of time to sort some other work out, go to the gym and fit my doctors appointment in.
Off to do the money shuffle :j

Please bear with the long post, it is more for my own reflection and I certainly don't expect any comments but I am trying to be honest on here. Inspired by Watty and her return I have decided to bite the bullet on my own thread.

I have been struggling for months to cope with life. I have been working away from home for 3 years now, it is better now because I go home most weekends rather than every 3rd but I feel like I am living out of a bag. I can't settle and get into a routine during the week at work as I work 2 nights a week and any groups that I might be interested in are on those nights. I am the only one who does my job so if I don't do something it doesn't get done, I guess it is like being self-employed but I am not. Sometimes I used to spend 13 hours a day trying to get stuff done when I first got here but would burn out halfway through the week and struggle to get up in the morning. Before I moved here 18 months ago exercise was my focus (maybe that was how I got through living further away) but it has been harder to dedicate the time to it here. From September to March Mr AJM and I get 1 and a half days a week together which is not ideal, but if I am able to leave work early through the week at least we are together in the evenings. I don't really seem to do much when I go home either. If I get weekdays off I don't want to go out and do things by myself as I am by myself a lot at work (there are people around but not doing what I am doing) so I often sit in the house but I don't seem to do anything there either so then I get annoyed. It is tough to join any clubs at home as I would be such an irregular attender that it is hard to get to know anyone and I don't want to yo-yo in and out of things. Since Christmas I have gradually found it harder and harder to come back on a Monday and have felt more stressed by it. I am lucky that Mr AJM has done my job before so understands when I rant and can offer the advice I need or he gives me the confidence to think it doesn't matter. I also have a small but good network of people I eat with in the evenings who I have started to vent to a little and are well placed to give me advice. However although I have indirectly mentioned to my immediate department that I sometimes find it tough I hadn't been honest with them as I felt it was a sign that I wasn't good at my job.
In the run up to coming back to work from my summer leave I was starting to get quite anxious, stressed and panicky about what I needed to do at work and the general situation. 10 days ago I had a strange episode, I got up to talk to Mr AJM and stopped a couple of words into my sentence. Mr AJM believes I blacked out for about 3 seconds, I was still standing but was vacant and didn't respond to him saying my name, he touched my arm and I was back in the room. In the run up to this the stress and panic had been almost unbearable. I am going through tests with the doctor to see if there are any medical issues, when I first saw him I didn't think to say anything about the stress and panic, I will be next time. Since then I have spoken to my immediate hierarchy to briefly tell them what happened and to explain that I need to work my own routine and give myself a lot more time while I try to get this under control (I am very lucky I can do this). I haven't managed to get to the gym everyday but have managed not to spend all day working, although I still worry things aren't getting done. I don't think I am by any means through the worst of my stress but I am trying to take control of it and my life.
I love my normal job but it is another 12 months until I get back to that so I need to try and get a balance in the meantime. I guess I am fotunate that I am determined with the mortgage but that has been my only focus for months. I don't know what I expect from putting this down here but at least I can read back on it and maybe take something from it.

Many times over the year I have put something on here but felt stupid and didn't want a fuss or to admit I wasn't coping so I deleted it, why I don't know.