How long is too long to be engaged.

Retireby40 · 26 August 2019 at 9:56PM

Me and my partner have recently got engaged (last couple of weeks) . We had talked abit after the engagement about summer 2020 however I really believe now thinking about everything logically we are better waiting to summer 2021.

The reasons why are below.

- when talking previously before engagement we always had in mind 2021.

-we are still quite young (early 30s so no need to rush)

- we are in the process of expanding our business hence money is needed for that and while we are not short of money or need loans etc maybe the wedding planning will distract our business during an important year.

- we have 2 potentially 3 weddings to attend next summer. Before ours but again a busy expensive time.

- lastly we live abroad and I will need to give my family plenty of time to prepare and save in order to be able to afford to travel abroad (within europe) for the wedding.

Logic says wait to 2021 however my other half seems so set now on 2020 cause we had talked about it and how it may work. We will be going to view a few places and discuss prices and stuff but it's a situation that's troubling me.

We are very comfortable together are very happy. We want a family and my other half is adamant we are married before children. I'm neither here nor there I'm not really old school she is.

I guess I'm just thinking how I approach this as she has now that hope of 2020 and for me to kill that off maybe it can make things difficult between us.

Anybody any experience waiting that bit longer and it worked out much better.

elsien · 26 August 2019 at 10:06PM

Early thirties isn't young for a woman wanting a child.
By saying "for me to kill that off" you're effectively saying it's your decision and it get the final say, not a joint one. That's far more likely to be damaging to your relationship than anything else.

Getting married appears to be more important to her than to you, possibly because of that clock ticking. Putting other people's wedding ahead of your own is likely to go down like a lead balloon.
It doesn't matter what other people's experience of waiting is. You and your OH need to communicate about what your priorities are. Weddings don't have to take over your life. If getting married and starting a family at the priority then you can have a simple cheap do a road to tie the knot. If you want all the bells and whistles then affordability and planning come more into it.

Retireby40 · 26 August 2019 at 10:32PM

Thanks for the reply.

I'm not trying to be in control and decide it. I'm trying to form a logical plan and with all things considering I think it could be logical waiting.

On the other hand I could get married next summer. it's not other weddings taken priority over my own it is mainly just that it will be a congested period and again while money isn't overly a worry it's finding the right day too suit. And one of those weddings is infact her best friend. So it isn't like it's my friends weddings.

When I say early 30s my other half is 31. There's plenty of women have children at 34-35.

Getting married is definitely more important to her than me. I want something small she wants more.

I will have 20 guests she will have about 50-60.

It's going to be in her home town with everyone she knows and wants there and I will have to obviously settle for less as it isn't practical that my friends and family with young families have to take a week of work to come along with the expense. Hence why I wanted to give them abit more time.

Also while we are ok financially her parents have already said they will pay her half of the wedding. Guests and dress etc and I will pay my half. My parents unfortunately are no longer with us, not that I would want them around just for the money I don't have the same support financially. It's another huge reason wedding isn't important as my closest family are no longer here to see it. I am an only child so no siblings, nieces, nephews etc.

So while I do want to get married for sure for me I'm in no rush 2020 or 2021 isn't that much of a difference for me.

Also the new business venture will need our dedication and I just feel she will be distracted with the wedding planning and the business may suffer slightly.

gettingtheresometime · 27 August 2019 at 11:05PM

Ok it's not the same thing but I was once in a position where I had to organise a Ladies Night as my husband was master of his Masonic lodge, as did the other Masters' wives.

I found that when were attending someone's Ladies Night the topic of conversation would always be turned to the next
Ladies Night rather than enjoying that particular evening.

What I'm trying to say is that if the attendees of the other weddings would attend your wedding then it might be nicer for you to wait until 2021 for the same reason.

Also (& I wouldn't try to guilt trip her) but you do need to discuss who you would like to attend & the implications for a 2020 wedding would have for them.

p00hsticks · 28 August 2019 at 11:39AM

Retireby40 wrote: »

-we are still quite young (early 30s so no need to rush)

Retireby40 wrote: »

We want a family and my other half is adamant we are married before children..

As elsien says, early thirties isn't young in terms of starting a family - women over thirty five used to be referred to in maternity terms as 'geriatric mothers'

If you are serious about wanting a family - especially if it's more than one child - and your partner feels she need to be married first, then I'd say the sooner the wedding the better.

If she's 31 now, then she's going to be (getting on for) 33 by the time you get married if you leave it till 2021, and you can't assume she'll fall pregnant straight away - for many couples it simply doesn;t work out that way.

Retireby40 · 29 August 2019 at 8:51AM

Society has changed a lot since when things "used to be" and while a woman body is still works in the way it did 50 years ago we have seen a clear shift in the ages of people having kids.

We do want a family but we want the family to be brought up in a household that isn't scrapping or just getting by and the work we do between now and then will have a significant impact on that. If our business goes well (we own it jointly) we are basically set in full time employment for the foreseeable future with the potential for the kids to take over down the line.

However this next year is vital and if we take our eye of the ball and don't give it 100% focus the business may not achieve what it can.

People are saying 33 is old for a mother. I get that the optimal time is probably in 20s however had we had kids in our 20s we would have been set up to struggle. I see so many 20 somethings having kids and struggling. Not everyone but many because they aren't in a financially strong position. They are in and out of rented accommodation and often they aren't even mature enough themselves to accept their life comes second.

I do wonder if I had came on here saying oh my relatively new girlfriend is 31-32 and I want kids in a few years I may dump her and look for a younger model I dare say the narrative would be different. There would be many arguing women can and do have kids at 34/35/36/37 etc and it isn't against the norm now.

elsien · 30 August 2019 at 1:08PM

No one is saying women shouldn't have children later in life. We are saying that the older a woman is the less fertile she is, and the chances of having a child with a disability also increases.
You are correct that many women in their thirties and older have successful pregnancies with little difficulty. But it is still a factor to consider, along with the others you have mentioned, and it may be a higher priority to your partner than to you.
It does seem odd as well her family talking about "your half and her half" of the wedding costs. Well it does to me anyway. Surely you both put on what you can, and if family want to help it goes into the joint pot?m

Either way, it's you explaining your reasonings, she explaining hers, then communicating till you reach a decision you can both live with.

Mojisola · 30 August 2019 at 1:17PM

elsien wrote: »

Either way, it's you explaining your reasonings, she explaining hers, then communicating till you reach a decision you can both live with.

And if you can't do this over the wedding, don't get married because it won't last.

DD265 · 30 August 2019 at 3:44PM

We had a 23 month engagement and that worked for us. We got engaged in April 2016, and knew that the kind of wedding we wanted 2017 was too much pressure financially, so settled on March 2018.

It worked for us, but we didn't (still don't) feel the pressure to have children soon and I'm also 31. From what I gather, for a woman of any age whose clock has started ticking, you can't escape that feeling of wanting a child ASAP.

Weddings are as cheap or as expensive, and low-key or intensive planning as you want to make them. One of the downsides to a longer engagement is having more time to find things you want to spend money on that you hadn't thought of before, or to change your mind on something you'd already committed to.

I would say:
1) don't count on gifts from family until the money is in the bank; I've heard some horror stories. If her family are paying half, the two of you pay the balance, but have a plan B.
2) check when your 'must be there' guests can make it. People can be limited by school terms or work commitments, not just finances.
3) consider getting married out of season; it's cheaper (we saved £5k by going for a Friday in March; the next day would've been more expensive) and often there is better availability. You may find that looking now for 2020 means your preferred vendors have limited openings. Additionally, fewer weddings in the off season can mean guests have a better chance of making yours.

Ultimately, you've got to decide between you, but even a 2021 wedding is going to mean doing some of the planning now if you want plenty of choice.

Robin9 · 30 August 2019 at 3:52PM

My wife and I met in August, got engaged the next May, sorted a date within a couple of weeks and married in October. I really can't see the point in delaying. Straightforward church wedding, afternoon reception in a village hall by 5 o'clock we were off on honeymoon.

Retireby40 · 30 August 2019 at 4:15PM

Because the wedding is overseas in partners country which involves me organising 20+ guest to come when it suits them and when their kids are not in school to an area where they need connecting flights.

That's why it is slightly more complicated. Also we have a business which runs September to June non stop where we can't be away from it at all so it limits us a little bit.

How long is too long to be engaged.

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