Daughter going to uni - so.upset

susancs · 31 March 2017 at 2:05PM

OP, there is a very good article in the Guardian about how you are feeling and that often it is not always understood by others.
https://www.theguardian.com/education/2013/sep/18/parents-coping-when-children-leave-home

I think it is like all aspects of being a mum, we are all different. I remember some of my friends who were delighted at their child's first day at school and others who were tearful. All were equally brilliant and loving Mums. I personally would never be dismissive of another Mums emotions just because I have not experienced the same. I never suffered from post natal depression but recognise it is real (it wasn't when my mother had me, she was told she had a healthy child and should be ashamed of herself for crying).

Pop_Up_Pirate · 31 March 2017 at 5:28PM

Charityworker wrote: »

Hi. I know my problem is going to seem really trivial. My youngest daughter is off to uni in September and instead of being happy about it I'm so upset. I literally can't stop crying. I know I should be happy and excited for her and I do know it's going to be great for her but how am.I going to get through it? I've been crying for a week.now. waking up crying in the morning. How do you mums get through it? If I'm like this now how bad will I be when the day finally arrives?

Are you serious???

JIL · 31 March 2017 at 10:18PM

I know just how you feel, I cried for a week after my first went off to university. I think it was the realisation that family life as we knew it had come to an end. I missed him and I worried about him, but as the weeks turned into months I was really proud of how well he was getting on. He came home for Christmas and Easter and the long summer holidays. He never really lived at home again.
I was a bit more prepared when two years later the next one left.
I missed them both but I got used to a different way of life and went out a lot more with my husband.
You just kind of adapt.

Peter333 · 1 April 2017 at 12:06AM

Wow some really harsh comments towards the OP here. The 'first world problems' chestnut, and 'are you actually serious?' And so on!

The poor woman is genuinely upset and is feeling bereft already. I was sad at the thought of our daughter leaving for uni, and my wife cried all the way home when we dropped our daughter off at uni 3.5 years ago.

She (and I) missed her terribly for the first couple of terms (she was the last of our 3 to leave home,) but she kept in touch on twitter, facebook, snapchat etc... and she came home every 6 weeks or so, so we were all fine by the spring time of her first year there.

Our worst fear was her staying in her uni town (which was 300 miles away!) as she was dating a boy down there for a while. It was a really tedious, costly trip and took about 7 hours each way. We dreaded it every time we had to do it! But they finished, and when she finished her degree last year, she moved to a city only half an hour's drive from us...

Now - 3.5 years on, she lives with 3 others in a flat in that city, and has a great job there, and we see her about 3 times a month. And tbh as much as we love her, we don't miss her living at home now, and she doesn't miss living with us, as she has not lived at home for so long now. She came from uni for good last June, stayed with us for 3 weeks, and then moved out to live with her pals. She is a grown up now, and doesn't need to be living with us.

You'll be fine OP, and you sound like an amazing mother. The 3 years will fly by; honestly!

-taff · 1 April 2017 at 12:16AM

Are you sure it's the loss of your daughter you're grieving for and not the loss of what you think your role is going to be in the future? I can see how you may be thinking you're not needed anymore, and you'll have to carve a new identity for yourself.
People do though.

susancs · 1 April 2017 at 9:14AM

OP, you sound like a practical person who gets things done i.e running your own business and being a district councillor so maybe the way forward is to start getting things together for Uni bit by bit with your daughter.

One of my friends was a great cook, but her daughter was a poor cook, so she started doing more cooking with her. This helped her DD settle in and make friends as she was able to cook a lot of cheap pasta dishes and share these.

For my daughter we had the trip to Ikea to get a couple of mugs, plates, cooking and eating utensils, bedding, clothes drying rack, laundry bag, iron, hot water bottle, towels etc. My advice would be to buy cheap cooking and eating utensils as in dorms they tend to go missing over time. She will need practical things like a first aid and medicine kit, a folder with her docs in it (passport, national ins details, cv, log in details for the various sites). Plug socket extensions are often needed as they never have enough plug sockets, a throw is great if they are poorly or need to run to the bathroom wrapped up in one or to sit watching movies (Dd prefered a throw to a dressing gown).

If she has a tv and google chromecast look for cheap deals for now tv and Netflix (as you can have more than one person using these and students usually don't want to pay for a tv licence) My dd and mates used to have movie nights as one student had a projector given as a birthday gift. on the wall in the corridor for the block. They all used to sit in throws or their duvets.

Look together at how to get a student bank account and consider the deals that come with them (the 16-25 free railcard bank account was good for my daughter) Your DD may need to start looking for and booking her Uni accommodation and apply for a student loan soon.

She will need the men acwy vaccination before going to uni and they were low on stocks locally when my daughter went to uni so there was a wait.

You don't mention your daughters age, but if 19 soon then maybe start to look at the HC1 form (usually recommended to be done when they start Uni and are paying for accomodation) for free prescriptions, help with the cost of glasses etc).

Start looking for cheap hotel deals that may be near the Uni so you can visit.

My DD and I found the student Room forum for her particular Uni was a great source of information. There was advice from current students on various issues such as the more reasonable accommodation. On this advice DD booked into the bigger blocks with shared bathrooms, kitchen rather than the smaller, nicer 4 bedroom flats with en suites and it was great for her first year as she made loads of friends and those in the flats often spent time in the blocks as they were lonely when flatmates were out or away for the weekend. DD always had someone for company. She is now in a shared house, she loves, but she says the bigger blocks are good for first year as you have to mix. She also had a door stopper (on the advice of the student forum and used this to prop her door open on the first weeks to get to know others).
https://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/forum.php#f307

pollypenny · 1 April 2017 at 9:24AM

Susan's post is too long to quote. But I have to say that if the daughter settles well in university, making friends and joining activities, the last thing she'll want is her mum turning up at weekends.

University terms are not that long. She'll be home before you know it.

susancs · 1 April 2017 at 9:42AM

pollypenny wrote: »

Susan's post is too long to quote. But I have to say that if the daughter settles well in university, making friends and joining activities, the last thing she'll want is her mum turning up at weekends.

University terms are not that long. She'll be home before you know it.

Lol, it is a big long...got carried away, sorry.

My DD settled in quickly but has always been keen to have family and friends to visit at weekends and introduce us to her Uni friends. My friends children seem to have been the same and invited their parents, siblings and friends for weekends (my DD has visited friends at other Unis at weekends).

Charityworker · 2 April 2017 at 7:57PM

Thanks for all your replies. I actually do think I need to see a GP about depression. It's obviously not normal to be this upset and it's been getting gradually worse for a while.

I'm not worried about her settling in. She makes friends really easy and I know she will meet some burk as soon as she gets there. I also know she will be really good at looking after herself and managing her money so ill have no worries there.

It's almost like a feeling of I haven't finished. Almost like it's all gone too quick and I haven't had time to do everything or done enough with her. I was a lone parent for 8 years and struggled with money and we went through so much rubbish together.

I suppose I'll get over it in the end.

trailingspouse · 2 April 2017 at 9:45PM

Charity worker - I think you may be right to have a chat with your GP, sometimes it just helps to tell someone who isn't immediately involved in the situation.

For me, seeing the kids beginning to take their place in the world and working out for themselves what they were passionate about was the best bit. It made all the dirty nappies, broken nights, muddy knees and stroppy teenagers worth it.

It's OK to be upset, and it's OK not to be upset. So long as it doesn't mean your daughter feels guilty about going off and having a hell of a good time.

Daughter going to uni - so.upset

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