Travelling On

Aww, thank you folks (with thanks to Alan Turing, poor man ). The card was where it was for exactly the same reason as CBC's went missing: pay for something online and don't replace it immediately .... such is life.

Rainy rainy rainy ... but I've figured out what it is with the apoca-book: I need to keep to the outline I write and not get distracted. It's not a history of the future world, its the story of a village in that world.

Still got distracted, though, by scanning actually that was the main thrust of this morning. I've been scanning the artwork my mum did as an evacuee coming up to her equivalent of GCSEs, its actually really good. I want us all to have scans of everything, all her patchwork too, and then the original pieces get distributed. Rainy day is a good day to do this stuff.

And hurray, bit of a social thing this afternoon, a friend has a meeting in my town, and I'll pop over to see her afterwards.

carbootcrazy wrote: »

I just came to say that my brother (who I mentioned recently) passed away this morning. I did go to see him at the weekend, I didn't wait for the OK from him or anyone else, I just phoned SIL to say I was coming.

So sorry to hear your news, CBC, but very glad that you simply decided to take matters into your own hands and go see him. You weren't getting any cooperation about that, as I remember.

He had had a relapse and was in hospital but everyone thought it was temporary and he would be able to go home again very soon. According to SIL when we spoke on the phone prior to my setting off to see him he'd eaten and was sitting up and talking, even playing a game of chess with his teenage grandson. Seemed to me like the best time for me to go. By the time I arrived late that same day he was drifting in and out of consciousness and his children and teenage grandchildren were all there with him in his tiny side room. I'm short but they are all so tall! The room seemed jam-packed with people, several of whom I didn't know. I felt so awkward and out of place although everyone was really nice to me.

So he had a last flare-up of life, connecting with people, thats something. It sounds like it was overwhelming for you, with the heights of them all as much as anything - but it **is** an awkward situation. I don't think anything is ever going to make it easy to be at a deathbed in a hospital. Overnighting while my BiL died in St George's in Tooting was the worst night of my life.

I tried to talk to him but it was very 'public' so I felt very inhibited with so many people in such close proximity to us both and I don't know if he even heard me because he was unresponsive to everyone and everything there. There was just this terrible laboured breathing sound from him. He wasn't looking at anything, his head was thrown back and his eyes were wide open but just motionless. I came away feeling I'd failed in what I'd needed to do and I made the long journey home.

I do feel for you with your meeting being 'public', as you say - but Z nails it in the post above mine, that hearing is the last to go, I'm absolutely sure that its important you spoke to him. I'm so sorry you felt that you'd failed as you went home - what stands out to me is that you're absolutely bound to feel bad after a scene like that, even though he wasn't expected to die so shortly afterwards it's very distressing to see and hear someone terminal fighting for breath like that it sounds awful for you.

The consultant and SIL decided early next morning that the kindest option, as there was absolutely no hope left, was to withdraw 'treatment' and just give palliative care. I'm not sure exactly what that meant, it wasn't the time to start questioning anyone on the phone. He was transferred to a special individual suite they use for end of life care with a sofabed for SIL and a small kitchen and bathroom. She'd been by his side non-stop for 3 days and nights by that stage, just catching a few short naps in an upright chair by his bedside so it must have been a godsend for her.

All of that sounds very appropriate, CBC - I know that withdrawing treatment and only giving nursing/palliative care can sound awful, but it seems to me that it can be the least-worst alternative, providing care and support and nourishment and pain relief while not prolonging it by offering treatments that you know are useless.

I don't think anyone expected the end to come so quickly, the staff included. They intimated it would probably be several days. I had everything packed to go again first thing tomorrow. OH, in typical unsympathetic manner, said he thought it pointless ('stupid' was the word he used actually) to go all that way again as to all intents and purposes he had already 'gone'. I knew my brother wouldn't be able to speak to me but I thought I could sit there with him, just the two of us in a less crowded and more private situation for a short while, so I could talk to him. Even if he hadn't been able to understand me it would have brought some closure for me. I'm ashamed of myself for thinking like that, of myself rather than him, but it's true.

Oh honey, of course you were thinking of yourself too, thats the most natural thing in the world, and its the most natural thing in the world to want to speak to him and to have closure. You can still have a version of that, you know. Will your SiL let you put a card in the coffin? If not, you could write some of what you wanted to say and burn it up in a candle. You could simply light a candle, in your house or your car or anywhere you felt was appropriate, and talk it out loud. You can still do it, you can still communicate with your brother.

I'm really sorry that you OH displayed that sort of attitude Z nails it again above, when he says the visits are for the living, and that some people can't bear hope and uncertainty.

Now there's so much left unspoken, unexplained and apologised for. I'll just have to live with that but it's going to be hard.

So sorry to have monopolised your diary, KC:o but I felt you of all people would understand:A. I can't unburden myself at home, obviously:(

You sound so isolated, CBC, and it's something to me that you were able to write it here. That's little enough to offer you, but at least its something. I really encourage you to carry on communicating with your brother, in writing, speaking out loud, however you can. I still do with my BiL, although he died in 2009 my relationship with him was both fraught and superficial, very troubling to me. I still do with my mum, also a difficult relationship. Not with my dad, actually, who was a pure soul, full of heart and kindness, no need to try to communicate with him in that way.

I don't know if you're trying to carry on at home as if nothing has happened, part of me suspects you are because your OH is being so critical even about your brother's death, but you don't have to. There's so much to write in that! But you have the right to your own reactions, CBC, to your own view of life.

Take care of yourself, and do post here again. If it feels too much, or not right somehow, then pm me, the site is advising nothing identifiable but that doesn't mean feelings, it means no addresses, things like that.

Please make sure you get some sleep tonight - everything is worse without sleep.

Sending love and light.

Suffolk_lass wrote: »

CBC you might find it helps you to grieve if you pour out the frustration and the guilt you are hinting at in a written document to nobody but to get it out of your head. Then maybe write a letter to your brother to say all the things you wish you had had a chance to say. I don't know if your relationship with your SIL is as a result of your relationship with your brother or whether she is part of it, but you might find it helps to write to her, if nothing else she has lost her husband somewhat unexpectedly and that is a terrible shock.

I always try to remember a humorous episode or anecdote I can recall when I think of someone, it helps me and I'm told it helps the family to recall happier times.

That's good advice too, thanks SL.

CBC, come back as soon as you feel okay to do so.