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    • robowen
    • By robowen 4th Feb 06, 6:47 PM
    • 2,970Posts
    • 1,725Thanks
    Beethoven Joke.
    • #1
    • 4th Feb 06, 6:47 PM
    Beethoven Joke. 4th Feb 06 at 6:47 PM
    A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward ! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.
    By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

    By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music. "Don't you get it?" the caretaker says incredulously.
    "He's decomposing!"

    If only everything in life was as reliable...AS ME !!
    robowen 5/6/2005

    ''Never take an idiot anywhere with you. You'll always find one when you get there.''
Page 317
    • Philycheesesteak
    • By Philycheesesteak 21st Dec 18, 1:00 PM
    • 839 Posts
    • 1,528 Thanks
    My grandad used to say "As one door closes, another one opens"... lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.

    How many Brexiteers does it take to change a lightbulb?
    One to promise a brighter future the rest to screw it up.

    Some guy just said he was going to attack me with the neck of a guitar.
    I said “Is that a fret?”

    Red sky at night: shepherd’s delight.
    Blue sky at night: day.

    Just spent 300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn’t include a driver.
    Can’t believe I’ve spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it…

    A vegan said to me people who sell meat are disgusting.
    I said people who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer…

    What do you call a bulletproof Irishman?
    Rick O’Shea.

    Don't you just hate it when you think you're buying organic vegetables but when you get home you've actually just bought regular doughnuts?

    A lorry full of stolen wigs crashed on the motorway the police are still combing the area looking for the thieves.

    If your spanners keep disappearing when working under the bonnet of your car, you probably have a tool eater engine.

    Don't want to boast but I've just finished a 7 day diet in 3 hours 27 minutes.

    I've always believed that ironing boards wanted to be surf boards but stopped pursuing their dreams to get a stable job.

    BIGAMIST: A heavy fog in Italy.

    Move your vowels every day or you'll get consonated.

    I have a donor card, in fact I haven't signed it so that someone can use it again after I'm go

    As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog.

    Avoid clich!s like the plague

    Don't take the mick out of stroke victims, one day you could be laughing on the other side of your face.

    I bought a charity scratchcard today, in aid of the eczema society.

    If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.

    Once you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall.


    Of course I want it today, if I wanted it tomorrow, I'd ask for it tomorrow.
    • Wizard of Id
    • By Wizard of Id 22nd Dec 18, 10:39 AM
    • 5,491 Posts
    • 18,399 Thanks
    Wizard of Id
    With the Gatwick drone incident passing 24 hours police have begun working on the theory it's simply a woman trying to land the thing
    • peter_the_piper
    • By peter_the_piper 6th Jan 19, 12:04 PM
    • 27,312 Posts
    • 38,085 Thanks
    A Scotsman took 2 scruffy stuffed dogs onto Floggit.

    The Expert looked at them and was amazed, these are very rare specimens he said.

    Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in better condition?

    Aye said the Scotsman,

    I'd rather be an Optimist and be proved wrong than a Pessimist and be proved right.
    • Ebe Scrooge
    • By Ebe Scrooge 18th Jan 19, 2:05 PM
    • 4,399 Posts
    • 3,943 Thanks
    Ebe Scrooge
    If you ever have one of those days where you feel your job is unfulfilling and pointless ... just remember, somewhere there's a man in a factory fitting indicators to BMWs.
    I may not know much about art, but I know what I like.
    • Sleazy
    • By Sleazy 18th Jan 19, 7:17 PM
    • 18,572 Posts
    • 39,786 Thanks
    Why do Gorillas have large nostrils?
    Because they have large fingers.
    Weekly Distance Walked 28km / Total For Year 1191 km

    Quod scripsi, scripsi
    • Kosher Kid
    • By Kosher Kid 27th Jan 19, 5:48 PM
    • 299 Posts
    • 265 Thanks
    Kosher Kid
    Person 1 - I tried haggis for the first time this week.

    Person 2 - How was it?

    Person 1 - It was offal.

    (Definitely NOT kosher)!
    • duncanthedog
    • By duncanthedog 6th Mar 19, 8:40 AM
    • 722 Posts
    • 1,632 Thanks
    It is amazing how many F1 drivers have links to Scottish towns
    Eddie Irvine
    Stirling Moss
    Lewis Hamilton
    Ayr Town Centre.
    • Sam Fallow
    • By Sam Fallow 6th Mar 19, 11:09 PM
    • 864 Posts
    • 1,979 Thanks
    Sam Fallow
    It is amazing how many F1 drivers have links to Scottish towns
    Eddie Irvine
    Stirling Moss
    Lewis Hamilton
    Ayr Town Centre.
    Originally posted by duncanthedog
    You forgot Johnny Dumfries.
    I don't like morning people. Or mornings. Or people.
    • Morbier
    • By Morbier 10th Mar 19, 12:10 PM
    • 281 Posts
    • 335 Thanks
    Where would you find a tortoise with no legs?

    Where you left it.
    I can't imagine a life without cheese. (Nigel Slater)
    • SweetPotatoPie
    • By SweetPotatoPie 10th Mar 19, 12:12 PM
    • 94 Posts
    • 162 Thanks
    What kind of bees make milk?

    • Robisere
    • By Robisere 18th Apr 19, 3:13 PM
    • 2,833 Posts
    • 3,810 Thanks
    Hi, been on MSE some years but never posted here before. After I stopped laughing so much, I found these:


    I got an answering machine. Now callers can hear a busy signal when they call and I'm out.

    "Hello this is my answer machine. If you're looking to buy weed, wait for the beep and press the Hash Key."

    "Hi. If you're a burglar casing the place, we can't come to the phone right now. We're cleaning our weapons."

    "Hi, I'm probably home. I like to check out callers I don't like. Leave a message and if I don't call back, well you can guess why ..."
    I think this job really needs
    a much bigger hammer.
    • Robisere
    • By Robisere 18th Apr 19, 4:19 PM
    • 2,833 Posts
    • 3,810 Thanks
    A few more:


    A wife is visiting her husband in hospital "Darling," he says anxiously "They obviously have no idea what's wrong with me."

    "Why do you say that darling?"
    "Because there is a Suggestion Box at the end of my bed."

    A ward nurse answers the phone and the caller asks:
    "Can you tell me how Mr. Bloggs is in bed 7 please?"

    "Certainly, Mr Bloggs is now out of danger and recovering well. Who is this please?"
    "It's Mr Bloggs in Bed 7. Nobody tells me anything."

    Due to a Urology error, orange juice is off the breakfast menu.

    Nurse to patient: "They're bringing in a case of diarrhea."
    Patient "Can't be worse than the coffee here!"
    I think this job really needs
    a much bigger hammer.
    • Askalaba
    • By Askalaba 26th May 19, 4:50 PM
    • 59 Posts
    • 28 Thanks
    I girl said she met me at a vegetarian club but I swear i'd never seen herbivore
    Absolutely love a good bargain. If anybody has any money saving tips please send them my way
    • NaughtiusMaximus
    • By NaughtiusMaximus 30th Jul 19, 9:51 AM
    • 2,114 Posts
    • 5,222 Thanks
    I got sacked from my last job for asking customers if they wanted 'smoking or non-smoking'.

    Apparently the correct phrase is 'cremation or burial'.
    • Ebe Scrooge
    • By Ebe Scrooge 15th Aug 19, 7:09 AM
    • 4,399 Posts
    • 3,943 Thanks
    Ebe Scrooge
    A man wakes up in hospital after an accident, and the doctor tells him that whilst he's lucky to be alive, they have had to amputate his penis. Seeing the look of horror on the man's face, the doctor tells him that there is a new procedure that's just been developed, where they can grow a new appendage in the lab from stem cells, to whatever size is required, and graft it on. However, it's not available on the NHS, and it's not cheap - it costs 5,000 per inch.

    The doctor suggests that the man discusses it with his wife when she comes to visit that evening, and he can let the doctor know their decision the next morning.

    So next morning, the doctor comes to see the man.

    "Did you speak to your wife last night ?".
    "Yes, we talked through the pro's and con's, and talked about what sort of size we should go for".
    "And what was your decision ?"
    "We're having a new kitchen".
    I may not know much about art, but I know what I like.
  • archived user
    Why couldn’t the bicycle stand?

    Because it’s two tyred
    • Ebe Scrooge
    • By Ebe Scrooge 16th Aug 19, 7:00 AM
    • 4,399 Posts
    • 3,943 Thanks
    Ebe Scrooge
    Why do teddy bears never need to eat ?

    Because they're always stuffed.
    I may not know much about art, but I know what I like.
    • UncleFeushy
    • By UncleFeushy 30th Aug 19, 8:50 AM
    • 8 Posts
    • 12 Thanks
    That just made my day thanks for all of the jokes
    • Claudiafields
    • By Claudiafields 12th Sep 19, 7:48 AM
    • 3 Posts
    • 1 Thanks
    hamburgers Joke
    Q: Why do hamburgers go to the gym
    A: To get better buns!
    • Ebe Scrooge
    • By Ebe Scrooge 27th Sep 19, 3:31 PM
    • 4,399 Posts
    • 3,943 Thanks
    Ebe Scrooge
    Picture the scene. A cute little girl, about 4 years old, playing in her garden during the summer holidays. She's fascinated with the building work that's going on at the back of their garden, and enjoys watching the builders working. They notice her watching them, and, being a friendly bunch, ask if she'd like to help them. She eagerly grabs her little red wellies and her Fischer Price wheelbarrow, crawls through a hole in the fence and joins them on the building site.

    All week she helps the workmen, trundling the odd brick around in her wheelbarrow, sweeping up, pouring the water into the cement mixer and suchlike. Each lunchtime the men share their sandwiches with her. She's one of the team.

    Come Friday, the foreman hands round the men's pay packets. They all open their little brown envelopes, fish out a few coins, put them into another envelope, and give the little girl her very own pay packet.

    She goes home, and proudly shows her mum. "Where did you get that ?", Mum asks.
    "I earned it", says the little girl proudly, "working on a building site".
    "Well done", says Mum. "That's lovely. So will you be doing some more building next week".
    "Yes", says the little girl ........ "As long as those useless c*nts at Jewsons pull their fingers out of their ar*es and deliver the f**ing bricks".
    I may not know much about art, but I know what I like.
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