Ex Wife Being a pain

Hi,

Please can someone help?

My ex wife keeps demanding to see three pay slips, every time I say I cannot afford to give more. I have always paid maintenance, on time and given extra when I can afford it.

Our daughters prom is coming up, and she has gone spend crazy, I simply cannot afford to give any extra at present she has remarried and divorced again, after having 2 more children (pregnant and engaged before we were divorced) with her now ex. I am in a stable relationship of 8 years, but only been married a year and made a new life for us away from the old family area. My new wife and I have 2 children, one of whom is 2 so we do not get any help with childcare, my wife has not returned to work as she would be shelling out 95% of her wage on child care, hardly worth it.

It is just my sole wage coming in. I pay what I can afford without making my wife and children go without. I try to ensure that I treat all three of my children equally, even though eldest daughter has somewhat become estranged and has tried splitting me and new wife up. Through the csa calculator, I should pay an extra £17 a week, and currently that £68 is what I use for fuel to get me to work to pay all my bills. I do receive a war disablement pension but I am still able to work. The csa calculator says if I receive one of these benefits, which includes war disablement pension I do not need to pay. I believe this is for someone that cannot work through their injuries, fortunately I can.

To add insult to injury, when I was married to the ex, we accrued quite a lot of debt and in the divorce I received debts in my name and joint, she received debts solely in her name. She keeps mentioning that she doesn’t think it’s fair, her being a single mother and taking on that debt, she managed to get an increase out of me to cover the fee to the debt management company.

When we went with the debt management company we signed and agreed that whilst under the management of the company we were not allowed to apply for credit cards, store credit or HP finance. I have learned recently she has a credit card, and finance on furniture. Which makes me believe she no longer had the debt she keeps mentioning.

Also she would not sign a clean break order at time of divorce, she has since remarried, and so have I, does she still have claim to anything that o inherit/win/own?

Lots of questions and information.

Thanks in advance.

Comments

  • BAFE
    BAFE Posts: 269
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    Hi OP. You say there are lots of questions but I can only see one in which you ask if she still has a claim to anything that you win/inherit/own and the answer is, without a clean break, she can apply to the courts for more money, yes. Doesn't mean she'll get it, but she can apply.
  • WYSPECIAL
    WYSPECIAL Posts: 635
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    Who was the applicant in the divorce?
  • tacpot12
    tacpot12 Posts: 7,894
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    In summary, the CSA calculation says you should be paying more, but you say cannot afford it. You don't want your wife (and the children you live with) to go without, but you are prepared for your daughter to go without (based on the CSA calculation). This seems a bit of a double standard.

    Given that you signed a document with the Debt Management company will they not talk you and tell you whether you are free to take out a credit card? They may reveal enough information for you to know whether your ex is also free of the restriction. Either way, this doesn't really help, because the CSA calculation will ignore the reasons for the amount you pay to your Ex, it will just look to calculate that you pay enough, and you aren't doing so by your own admission. (I do know how difficult it is and sympathise).

    Given how expensive child care is, if you could make a small change on the child care front, this might produce £68 / month. Is there anything you could do create this extra cash?

    How old is your daughter that lives with your ex? If she is 16, your problem is actually quite short term, as your obligation to pay child maintenance will probably end in two years. In that time, your two year old will turn three and you will start to get some assistance with childcare costs. Is there a way to eek out your combined incomes to get to this point?
    The comments I post are my personal opinion. While I try to check everything is correct before posting, I can and do make mistakes, so always try to check official information sources before relying on my posts.
  • Sambella
    Sambella Posts: 417
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    What you appear to have in a family based agreement. In this instance the CMS calculator is a guide only and they state this on their website. therefore it is what you and your ex agree that counts.

    If your child maintenance payments are calculated via the CMS and you pay her directly the calculated amount is deemed fully inclusive and you do not have to pay for extras but you can if you wish to at your discretion so if you are using the cms calculator to come to a family based agreement then the same rules can apply.

    A family based agreement can result in paying the calculated amount plus extras so if you are finding it tough you could pay the extra £17 per week and not pay any extras except maybe for something like school trips, if you wish to. If she doesnt agree she can go to the CMS and the CMS cannot make you pay for extras therefore you would have only the one payment per week/month to make. You would also be paying the legally correct amount.

    A family based agreement can be whatever you want it to be and there is NO compulsion to pay the calculated amount as it is a guide only. CMS options site even say no money needs to change hands if you opt to pay for things like all school expenses, uniforms, trips etc. instead of handing over cash provided you both agree.
  • FBaby
    FBaby Posts: 18,367
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    I pay what I can afford without making my wife and children go without.
    That's the problem. What you are saying is that you prioritise your new family, deciding to have more children by choice, and that your first child only deserve the leftovers.

    Of course you'll say it's not like that, but that's how your ex, and more importantly your daughter will see it and rightly so and that alone would result in your first child have a low opinion of you.

    As so many ex, you see maintenance as money you give to the ex rather than money that is intended to support your daughter. Prom is a big thing and although I totally agree that it is totally overstated and turning into a stupid money making thing, it is what it is and your DD doesn't deserve any less to have a good prom like her friends just because you have more children who come first.

    Of course it all depends how much you are actually already paying. There's a big difference between paying £500 even if csa say you should pay more and paying £100 that wouldn't cover even 1/5th of what your DD costs actually are.

    In the end, you can't make money grow from tree, but what you can do is changed your attitude because it seems that at the moment, you are passing a clear message that you view your second family as more important than your DD and I can promise you that you will be the one paying for the consequence of it when she decides that she wants nothing to do with you any longer.
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