Does anyone here have depression or know someone with it?
Comments
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I am just wondering if I could ask a few questions? I have never had experience with someone with depression until now and I have no idea how to deal with what has happened.
Patner of almost 18 years was diagnosed with depression a few months ago, is on medication and is seeing a councellor. I had no idea anything was wrong until he woke up one day and told me to leave and that he no longer wanted to be with me, no other explaination, just silent treatment so I left and went to stay with family, we kept in touch via whatsapp and after talking he said he felt the only way to deal with his derpession was to deal with it alone. we spoke of ways I could help when he felt that way, such as me sleeping in the spare room for a few days so he had some space etc, I ended up going back to him after i thought we had it figured out.
Some with depression or other MH issues hide it away for various reasons (feelings of failure/embarrassment/being in denial /not wanting to worry you / Stigma / being confused themselves about what is happening to them - to name a few I can think of) They can become extremely good at hiding stuff - i mean EXTREMELY good - it is to them at the time, self preservation and trying to understand what is happening to them before they are able to vocalise it to anyone else.
When I got back everything seemed normal, we went for a weekend away, got back home and two days later he has done it again, literally woke up and told me to leave once again, he refused to talk it through just that he wanted to be on his own.
Again he was trying to pretend everything was Ok, but likely realised that he could not go on the pretence - if he doesnt deal with this and continues to pretend everything is OK for other peoples sakes, it is going to become a far bigger issue .
The isolating oneself is typical- I think, depression and MH issues change people and they sometimes do not know themselves what is happening to them - it can be confusing to them, and to loved ones. Everyone is different , but the person I care for, when they go quiet and push me away, that is when I know they are in crisis
Once again we have been talking here and there online and I told him I didn't want to put any pressure on him, and I was willing to wait a few months, with us living apart, to see if he feels any better in himself, then we could meet up to talk things through, he has agreed to that but at the same time says he will not promise me anything as he doesn't want to get my hopes up or say the wrong thing, I asked if he still loves me and his reply was that he is unable to feel anything for anyone right now and even though he might smile it is fake.
He is just being honest with you, right now he needs to focus on getting himself right, day to day
He said his mind is all jumbled up and he needs to get himself right, that nobody can help him, only himself.
Recovery definitely is something only he can steer but he sounds like he WANTS to get better as he is seeking medical help
My questions: do people with depression feel the need to deal with it on their own? do I need to leave him alone and give him the time he needs? do I walk away altogether?
Right now he is vulnerable, would you leave him if he had any other illness? how do others with depression cope if they are in a long term relationship/married but need space from their partner? Im sure their partner doesn't get thrown out everytime the depression comes around
.No this shouldn't he happening, he is showing a complete disregard for you, and although depression can make people very self centred (they cant help it) this is very extreme imo
On my part I still love him and I miss him so much, I miss who he used to be, i miss the life we had and the future we will probably not have now. I have nobody to talk to, my family do not like him very much for "throwing me away" they believe he is using the depression as a excuse or a cop out and that he no longer loves me or wants to be with me but doesn't know how to tell me.
what is the best way for me to deal with all this?
thank you.
Trying to help a person you love through a mental health crisis can be one of the most stressful and frustrating things you will ever go through - completely tears families apart and can drive any loved one or carer to depression or mental health issues themselves through the sheer anxiety and worry of it all. Dont underestimate the stress this is all having on you, even more so as it has cost you your home at the moment
I can only tell you my experiences all of the above and below are just my personal opinions
In my area, GPs tend to give out anti depressant medication in a certain order. Cheapest first. (I was absolutely shocked when a NHS Psychiatrist told me this recently - completely aghast as they are literally playing with peoples lives whilst saving the NHS money)
This is, they give medication based on ''cheapest first'', not ''most effective first''. Had I not heard this with my own ears I would never have believed this to be true, ever in a million years
Some people have to try several medications in order to get one that is effective, and even then some will only get short term stability and some will never get much help from medication alone.
in my experience, GPs will tell a person to trial a medication for a month, this can take several months of hit and miss, sometimes horrific side effects - with no guarantee that any of the medications are going to work - your partner may need a medication change
The making you leave the house thing needs to be addressed but I have no idea how to deal with that one I am afraid but he needs to know this is unreasonable but without blame
I am so sorry you are going through this and only you can answer if you should hang in there and stay with him. His road to recovery could be a long one.
I think you need outside help. I am currently in the process of looking for similar in my area for carers support, the stronger you are the better you can help your loved one
Good luck and I dont know if my ramblings will help at all but really my point is, you are not alone. There are a lot of pple struggling, and mental health services I have found to be pretty poor
The opposite of what you know...is also true0 -
Sorry OP i just came back here today to say something very important - remember to look after YOU.
It is very easy to get caught up in the anxiety and worry of someone elses welbeing that we completely forget our own - but we are useless to everyone else if we are completely frazzled out emotionally and physically
All the very best to youThe opposite of what you know...is also true0 -
Geminilady that is what i am struggling with. Im a having everyone in my family telling me he doesnt love me. In my head he is ill and going through something hard and doesnt know where he is at the moment. I want to support him but he wont let me. My heart is telling me to stand by him and give him time. All through the relationship he was always loving and affectionate and its like his personality has completely changed to unfeeling and cold towards me without warning.
If you remove the depression card hes playing - everything else points to you've been dumped.
Hes got you to move out of his house and he doesnt want anything to do with you.
Depressed or not, it doesnt give him carte blanche to behave like a !!!! and treat you like this.0 -
If you remove the depression card hes playing - everything else points to you've been dumped.
Hes got you to move out of his house and he doesnt want anything to do with you.
Depressed or not, it doesnt give him carte blanche to behave like a !!!! and treat you like this.
Depression ''card'' - no wonder people with mental health issues feel stigmatised... You do realise this is an actual illness, as per the chemical imbalance in the brain?... Actually no, you clearly are extremely uneducated, yet opinionated
Depression ''card'' - Pfft - words of the ignorant - sorry motor guy but you are quite obviously completely uneducated on this topic - and your attitude, along with the stigma attached, belittles the fact that the most deaths under age 45 for males is due to suicide - and the fact they cannot talk about it as per ignorant attitude and feeling belittled
PEOPLE THIS IS A SERIOUS ILLNESS - NOT AN ATTITUDE. Depression and other mental health issues are hard to understand, you cannot see them and rely on what the sufferer is telling us, which can in itself, be a minefield. Don't write people off, this is why folk commit suicide as they are struggling with VERY real issues and are met with belittlement as in this ignorant posters views - I advise strongly against listening to this total BS
Just to reitarate, MH issues do not give someone carte blanche to treat friends and family like rubbish however understanding of how wrapped up in their own horrifying and confusing feelings , is desperately needed
It is easier to write someone off, with mental health issues as some kind of @sshole, cos it requires further work , love and commitment to realise that there is an actual issue
This is an actual illness, a condition, not made up 'in the head' - we wouldn't tell someone with cancer to 'get a grip' - or would we??? are we so desperate to turn things around to ourselves ooh poor me- so why the heck do pple constantly say this total nonsense - other than a way to kick someone when they are down and actually stigmatises the problem furtherThe opposite of what you know...is also true0 -
Depression ''card'' - no wonder people with mental health issues feel stigmatised... You do realise this is an actual illness, as per the chemical imbalance in the brain?... Actually no, you clearly are extremely uneducated, yet opinionated
Depression ''card'' - Pfft - words of the ignorant - sorry motor guy but you are quite obviously completely uneducated on this topic - and your attitude, along with the stigma attached, belittles the fact that the most deaths under age 45 for males is due to suicide - and the fact they cannot talk about it as per ignorant attitude and feeling belittled
PEOPLE THIS IS A SERIOUS ILLNESS - NOT AN ATTITUDE. Depression and other mental health issues are hard to understand, you cannot see them and rely on what the sufferer is telling us, which can in itself, be a minefield. Don't write people off, this is why folk commit suicide as they are struggling with VERY real issues and are met with belittlement as in this ignorant posters views - I advise strongly against listening to this total BS
Just to reitarate, MH issues do not give someone carte blanche to treat friends and family like rubbish however understanding of how wrapped up in their own horrifying and confusing feelings , is desperately needed
It is easier to write someone off, with mental health issues as some kind of @sshole, cos it requires further work , love and commitment to realise that there is an actual issue
This is an actual illness, a condition, not made up 'in the head' - we wouldn't tell someone with cancer to 'get a grip' - or would we??? are we so desperate to turn things around to ourselves ooh poor me- so why the heck do pple constantly say this total nonsense - other than a way to kick someone when they are down and actually stigmatises the problem further
Oh get over yourself.
I was a depression sufferer for nigh on 20 years and went through various different medications over that time, so yes, fully aware what depression is thanks. And yes, i've been to some VERY dark places with the illness, so dont need you giving me a condescending lecture based on you being "offended" for sufferers.
I finally recovered from it a year ago but am fully aware that it may come back and thats something i have to live with.
NEVER during that time did i push a partner away and make them move out and blank them from my life which is what seems to have happened to the O/P.
Thus speaking as a long term depression sufferer - i'd be considering if i was the O/P that their partner has ended the relationship and is pinning the reason for it on their depression, instead of manning up and saying the relationship is over.
"Just to reitarate, MH issues do not give someone carte blanche to treat friends and family like rubbish however understanding of how wrapped up in their own horrifying and confusing feelings , is desperately needed"
And thats my point - behaviours like that are inexcusable, and if they are receiving treatment for a reasonable time it surprises me that IF its not part of a break up, the O/Ps partner is not realising that.
The O/Ps partner is now on medication and if that is working then they should be functioning reasonably normally. If they're not then either
(a) they need to speak to their doctor to understand why - and perhaps change medication.
or
(b) they've got out of a relationship they want out of and are using the depression card as an excuse.
I dont think (b) is beyond the realms of possibility - do you?0 -
Oh get over yourself.
I was a depression sufferer for nigh on 20 years and went through various different medications over that time, so yes, fully aware what depression is thanks. And yes, i've been to some VERY dark places with the illness, so dont need you giving me a condescending lecture based on you being "offended" for sufferers.
I finally recovered from it a year ago but am fully aware that it may come back and thats something i have to live with.
NEVER during that time did i push a partner away and make them move out and blank them from my life which is what seems to have happened to the O/P.
Thus speaking as a long term depression sufferer - i'd be considering if i was the O/P that their partner has ended the relationship and is pinning the reason for it on their depression, instead of manning up and saying the relationship is over.
"Just to reitarate, MH issues do not give someone carte blanche to treat friends and family like rubbish however understanding of how wrapped up in their own horrifying and confusing feelings , is desperately needed"
And thats my point - behaviours like that are inexcusable, and if they are receiving treatment for a reasonable time it surprises me that IF its not part of a break up, the O/Ps partner is not realising that.
The O/Ps partner is now on medication and if that is working then they should be functioning reasonably normally. If they're not then either
(a) they need to speak to their doctor to understand why - and perhaps change medication.
or
(b) they've got out of a relationship they want out of and are using the depression card as an excuse.
I dont think (b) is beyond the realms of possibility - do you?
Motor guy, i read you wrong and I apologise.
I didn't realise you were a suffer and know what you are talking about
I am very passionate about mental health stigma and misread where you were coming from
Apologies again, and PM sent. Ignore me if you want
Take careThe opposite of what you know...is also true0 -
I can relate. just this morning i had an argument with my partner, he asked if i was staying tonight and what i wanted to say was its my only other day off and i would like sometime to myself but instead i said i had netflix to watch and he took that as me meaning netflix was more important than him. Not the case at all i just worded it very badly.
Basically when i'm down, i do need some alone time. I dont like being around people because i feel like my crap mood is dragging them down, and sometimes i just need to switch off and have some time to myself (as anyone does). So maybe thats how he feels but like me has phrased it bad and gone about it completly wrong? I wouldnt go as far as telling my partner its over, we have a rule that any problem can be sorted. But if i'm really down i often dont want to see anyone because i dont feel i can enjoy their company or enjoy life.
If he's only just been diagnosed he may just need space, after my bipolar diagnosis i pretty much pushed everyone away because it was a huge thing to try and come to terms with. I'm trying harder now to see people more often and not go silent as ive been known to do. If hes having counseling this too might have brought some hard to deal with stuff to the surface, which he might be trying to process.
My advice would be give him some space but make sure he knows you can talk to him about anything, that you won;t judge, and that you're there for him if he needs you. Also make sure to loom after yourself, dealing with a partner with depression can be very emiotinally draining.0 -
Motor guy, i read you wrong and I apologise.
I didn't realise you were a suffer and know what you are talking about
I am very passionate about mental health stigma and misread where you were coming from
Apologies again, and PM sent. Ignore me if you want
Take care
Hey no need at all to apologise. I didnt give you ANY information to the contrary and your reaction based on the little i said was passionate and probably not unreasonable.
Maybe i am being too harsh on the guy by suggesting that perhaps hes hiding behind his depression as an excuse for breaking up, but i know that i probably wouldnt have got through what i did if it wasnt for someone there to support and help me and when the O/Ps partner has someone who wants to be there for them it just feels theres more to it than they're telling the O/P - particularly now if they are getting help through counselling and medication and still not engaging again with the O/P
I could be very wrong and yes, depression affects many people in different ways but this all seems so calculated, rather than just pushing someone away for a period of time.0 -
Did you get my Pm motor guy
how did you overcome your issues after so long pleaseThe opposite of what you know...is also true0 -
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