Wife doesn't love me anymore

Not apportioning blame here at all - but take into consideration that, in the last year, she has had to deal with

You being 'difficult to live with' (how? drinking? temper outbursts? self harming? staying in bed all week? Being up half the night and sleeping all day?)
Becoming the sole wage earner as you packed the job in
Parenting a three year old and a one year old baby with what is likely (not guaranteed) to have been minimal support
Possibly parenting a terribly distressed partner
Worrying about whether her partner would be alive when she walked in the door
Waking up at night if you were up and not being able to sleep, just in case that was going to be The Night
If you were doing all the childcare in that time, a worry at the back of her mind that something Awful could have happened whilst she was at work to you/them (it's in the paper often enough)
If not, paying for childcare when you're at home but too ill to do it
Not being able to get as much support as somebody with those home circumstances would get if her partner were well
Not being able to make love thanks to depression medication, not having a drive, not actually being able to perform
Not being able to have much of a conversation - a one sided conversation isn't very rewarding, especially if it's with somebody who has stayed in bed, watched TV, then gone back to bed again.
Not being able to properly talk - how do you talk about the impact of having to do it all with somebody who could wander off to the kitchen and cut themselves in response/drive off/disappear/withdraw upstairs for the next week?



There's always loads of advice on how to support a depressed partner, but next to nothing about what it's actually like for the partner who isn't depressed, especially when there are financial consequences to deal with as well.


She may have had her feelings squashed by the sheer enormity of coping with the last year.


I can't promise everything can be fixed, but give her a chance to tell you just how bad it has been for her - even though it will be painful to hear, don't run, don't hide, don't withdraw or give any indication that she isn't allowed to have those feelings. If she says you've been closed off and not hugged her or shown any sign of caring about her, ask her if she needs more hugs, if you've been clingy and she actually needs time not having to deal with contact, ask her what would help to make her feel less smothered. Maybe she just needs to be able to say it - that it's the person you became when ill that she doesn't enjoy being with - and she can't remember what she used to feel like. Maybe she can't carry on being married - would it feel much different to her?



Being depressed is awful. But it's also awful for partners who have to watch it happen and take on all the responsibility, no matter how much they love the person. The reason why In Sickness and in Health is included in traditional vows is precisely because it's always been so hard for the non ill partner to cope - and anybody who can't admit secretly that caring for somebody who has severe depression is bloody horrendous is either a saint in hiding or a liar.


It might be that staying somewhere else helps - nothing has changed if you stay there. Maybe making that effort will be enough to start things improving. If not, it helps make being apart real - and she can decide whether she does actually want the marriage to end.


Probably worth going back to the GP as you will be under quite a lot of stress now - make sure that you don't relapse, as it really won't help things right now. (not that it can necessarily be controlled, but you know in advance it's a possibility, so can't be caught unawares by a deterioration).


I hope all works out for all of you. But I don't think there is necessarily a guilty party in all this.

Scorpio33 wrote: »

Well I spoke to me wife last night.

She told me that yes she hasn't been happy for a while and what she said was when she was drunk and much of it was exaggerated. She also said that if she told me she didn't Love me since before we were married, she didn't mean it as she would never had married me if that were true.

That's good to hear - that she was exaggerating out of anger and drink

So we have agreed to work on it, but I still have two doubts.

1. I think that she doesn't think she can ever Love me romantically again and I think it is only a matter of time before someone else comes along that gives her that passion she deserves (if she hasn't found anyone else already). Similarly, I think she is only with me as she is scared of having a divorce (she comes from a broken family) and she would rather stay with me as a friend than being alone.

This last sentence is sadly true in many cases.

I can only hope that she is prepared to make as much as an effort as I am in getting our relationship back on track She said she would do this, but actions speak louder than words.

Good Luck! I hope you can make it work for both/all of you.

No offence but your wife is a way too messed up a case. She is against counselling coz she knows she's at fault. Women. You'll get these sort of women if you're one unlucky guy. If she doesn't love you what's the point of staying together and giving your kids a false family life? One day, they'll know and blame you.

Be a strong man and leave here.

Scorpio33 wrote: »

Well I spoke to me wife last night.
I did say to her that I thought we had a fantastic time on the weekend, only for us to have that talk, and I don't know where it came from, as I thought we were having fun again. She couldn't answer why that was.

I might be able to answer this one for you.

Many moons ago I had a work colleague who'd gotten a divorce. He told me that his wife and he had plodded along for many years, then his employer treated everyone in the office to a hotel getaway. He and the missus had a wonderful time, and this is what precipitated the divorce. Why? Because that lovely, romantic weekend brought it slamming home to her how plodding and humdrum their relationship was the rest of the time. Neither of them had been putting any effort into the relationship and it was a wake up call to her.

Sounds like that brief evening of fun you and your wife had made her realize how little fun she's been having for a long time. My two cents.