Friend never listens, but always shares her problems...

dominqueobs
dominqueobs Posts: 14 Forumite
I'm not sure if this is the right place to post, sorry. This has been bugging me for a while now, I have a friend and I listen to all of their problems and offer advice where I can. We mostly just catch up online. Whenever I have an issue though the replies are usually e.g. "When's that?" ...reply... "one word/sentence answer/long delay/change of subject". It can just be stuff going on in my life like a job search (something I have listened to them talk about in depth ), but they never take an interest in stuff I'm clearly wanting to talk about. I don't know what to do, I didn't have them down as the "taker" type but it really irritates me how closed off they are when I just want some advice/someone to listen :o has anyone else experience this and how have you handled it? I don't want to pour my heart out to her but I've just spoke about a job and get one sentence back with no questions, then she posts two paragraphs about her life :mad: I don't know if I'm just reading too much into it.
«13

Comments

  • Sayschezza
    Sayschezza Posts: 744
    First Anniversary Name Dropper First Post
    Forumite
    It would annoy me too. Don't have any advice but I know I would cool the friendship. I think it should be a two way thing not just to be used as a sounding board.
    All that clutter used to be money
  • Doodles
    Doodles Posts: 413
    First Anniversary First Post Photogenic
    Forumite
    I think many of us have had friends like that. I have a couple of friends that are like that in my life at the moment, I choose to keep in contact because they are interesting and make me laugh. I tend to meet up for lunch and nothing much else. But equally, I don't consider them close friends because emotionally they give very little back. So my effort with them is limited, and that's my choice. I have a lot of friends though, so this doesn't worry me particularly, I tend to share more with my closer friends.

    But this can be hurtful if it's a long standing or close friend.

    What I have done in the past, when it has irritated me, is to keep turning the conversation back to myself to test their reaction. So when your friend gives a one word/sentence answer, keep on again about what you were saying, and ignore some of the stuff she talks about. Turning the tables etc.

    You could of course just ask her, why do you not comment much on my life when we chat?

    Ultimately, only you know whether you would like to keep this friendship going, or whether to call it a day. Sounds draining.
  • NeilCr
    NeilCr Posts: 4,430
    Name Dropper First Anniversary First Post
    Forumite
    I have a friend a bit like this. I think, to an extent, he gives his friends roles - I am relationship and benefits friend.

    I understand what you mean but he is what he is. I used to get annoyed - then I realised that he isn't going to change and, despite being self centered, he is a nice guy who is a lot of fun to be around. So, I stopped worrying about it. My best friend is there if I need advice - she's been fantastic over the years so I have no real reason to ask him

    Friendship is a two way thing but I reckon most friendships are not 50-50 in certain areas - me with advice is one example. My best friend is very settled in a strong relationship and is confident. Rarely needs to seek my advice but I'm an ear if necessary.

    From your point of view it's quite hard to advise. Personally, if they are a good friend, I'd forget about it, let it ride and enjoy their positive qualities. If they are your best friend and/or you do genuinely want their advice (and have no other source) then you will have to be firmer and keep on at them. They, probably, don't realise how they come across - my friend doesn't, I'm sure.
  • PasturesNew
    PasturesNew Posts: 70,698
    Name Dropper Photogenic First Anniversary First Post
    Forumite
    Mostly, people don't want advice, they just want to vent and be heard. Maybe your friend feels unable to offer advice/opinion as they feel unqualified or don't really understand at all.

    Everybody is different ... maybe she just vents and thinks you're venting.
  • ScarletRibbons
    ScarletRibbons Posts: 2,052
    First Anniversary First Post
    Forumite
    Annoying this, isn't it - I think it shows a lack of interest in you and your life,

    I have a friend who does this when i visit. She's full of woe when I go to visit, complaining about everything and everyone, then when she's unburdened herself she cheers up, naturally. I used to come home feeling drained and depressed, but I won't allow myself to now, she won't change, and I know she's like that with others.

    In my more unkind moments I just think that she's a self obsessed moaner!!
  • Pollycat
    Pollycat Posts: 34,582
    Name Dropper First Anniversary First Post Savvy Shopper!
    Forumite
    I'm not sure if this is the right place to post, sorry. This has been bugging me for a while now, I have a friend and I listen to all of their problems and offer advice where I can. We mostly just catch up online. Whenever I have an issue though the replies are usually e.g. "When's that?" ...reply... "one word/sentence answer/long delay/change of subject". It can just be stuff going on in my life like a job search (something I have listened to them talk about in depth ), but they never take an interest in stuff I'm clearly wanting to talk about. I don't know what to do, I didn't have them down as the "taker" type but it really irritates me how closed off they are when I just want some advice/someone to listen :o has anyone else experience this and how have you handled it? I don't want to pour my heart out to her but I've just spoke about a job and get one sentence back with no questions, then she posts two paragraphs about her life :mad: I don't know if I'm just reading too much into it.
    Maybe she's not good at written communication?
    Some people aren't.

    I prefer to talk to someone face-to-face rather than email, text or even by phone.

    Maybe it's just her personality, perhaps she's selfish.

    Perhaps she doesn't realise you want advice and thinks you just want to get things off your chest while she stays non-committal.
  • bertiewhite
    bertiewhite Posts: 1,904
    First Post
    Forumite
    We mostly just catch up online.

    I'd suggest they're not really a friend then - demote them to "acquaintance".
  • NeilCr
    NeilCr Posts: 4,430
    Name Dropper First Anniversary First Post
    Forumite
    I'd suggest they're not really a friend then - demote them to "acquaintance".


    That's not necessarily true, though.

    I moved out of London a number of years back but still have very good friends living there. We do see each other during the year but, for various reasons, work, relationships etc, it's nowhere near as much as before. But, with a couple of them (including the friend I was talking about earlier in the thread) we do chat quite a bit online.

    Having said that I agree with Pollycat about preferring face to face. The written word can, unintentionally, sometimes give the wrong impression.
  • Pollycat
    Pollycat Posts: 34,582
    Name Dropper First Anniversary First Post Savvy Shopper!
    Forumite
    I meant to ask in my earlier post:
    Has she always been like this - seemingly not interested in your news - or has she changed?
  • dominqueobs
    dominqueobs Posts: 14 Forumite
    Thanks everyone. Busy jobs and other life stuff means it's mostly online. She comes to me for a lot and I didn't mind at first, but when they only want me to either respond with what's troubling them (can be hours of exchanges) or neutral topics I feel I can't be open like with other friends where it's give and take. I think it's always been like this but as it's gone on I've noticed it more. I've tried keeping my expectations low and keeping personal stuff off topic but then she'll come to me with more of her own worries. With jobs I thought as she'd been through it recently she'd be able to relate, but she just doesn't want to know and seems totally uninterested in my life but will go on about her (unrelated) husband's jobs problems whilst ignoring what I've said. I've tried doing the steering back but she just stops replying or makes her excuses. I don't want to have to say something, her ignore it then me have to explicitly ask again what she thinks - I'd rather just stop bothering.

    The friend who gives friends roles made me chuckle, had a couple of those in my life. I do seem to attract people who want advice/an ear all the time, whether it's boyfriends/work/family and I'm just trying to read the signs because it leaves me drained. You get seen as the agony aunt instead of a friend :o I think I just have to cut ties a bit from now on.
This discussion has been closed.
Meet your Ambassadors

Categories

  • All Categories
  • 342.5K Banking & Borrowing
  • 249.9K Reduce Debt & Boost Income
  • 449.4K Spending & Discounts
  • 234.6K Work, Benefits & Business
  • 607.1K Mortgages, Homes & Bills
  • 172.8K Life & Family
  • 247.4K Travel & Transport
  • 1.5M Hobbies & Leisure
  • 15.8K Discuss & Feedback
  • 15.1K Coronavirus Support Boards