How to avoid meeting up

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  • poppystar
    poppystar Posts: 1,273
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    I think it is possibly not straightforward loneliness as he is clearly doing lots but probably not wanting to spend time in his own house on his own. I've experienced that particularly with elderly people who have lost their partner. The house leaves them alone with their memories and underlines the loss - I'll bet he hasn't invited you to him for a meal?

    Not sure that gets you any further Sunny but I doubt he is after you or anyone else. ;)

    I would be resentful too particularly if he and his wife didn't have time for you previously. It is sometimes hard enough to spend time with close friends.
  • ognum
    ognum Posts: 4,835
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    If I am honest OP your posts make me angry and sad at the same time. It's good your life is complete and you have no need for this man in your life but friendship and the ability to spend time with those who are not your family is vitally important to the bereaved.

    He needs you, you connect him to his partner, you new her and spending some time with him can make the difference between a good day and a bad day. He probably suggests just you because he can talk better one to one.

    Just remember it's not about you it is about giving a small amount of time to someone else. So you might find coffee shops boring but you could spend an hour once a month to go to one, you could suggest a walk in the park or going to an exhibition or museum.

    There may be a time, I hope not sometime in your life when you need the support of others, be unselfish and just give him an hour a month of your time.
  • justme111
    justme111 Posts: 3,508
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    I see, he is not alone. It could been dementia as well , alzheimer disease makes people behave inappropriately.
    In ripply's case I would have avoided him as well after pointing to the door !
    Another reason he may avoid your husband could be because males tend not to be vulnerable with other males.
    Of course if you feel repulsed and weirded out there is no point spending time with him. My last post was a call to question your feeling repulsion. Healthy selfsufficient and young are often put off by old and needy just because they do not fit into their world and it is not particularly insightful in my opinion.
    On another hand he may be ungrateful hard work asocial leary mentally affected by dementia, then I would avoid him as well. Only you know.
    Definitely work out on your assertiveness, 6 hours visit for lunch by a remote acquaintance is unhealthy.
    The word "dilemma" comes from Greek where "di" means two and "lemma" means premise. Refers usually to difficult choice between two undesirable options.
    Often people seem to use this word mistakenly where "quandary" would fit better.
  • piglet25
    piglet25 Posts: 927
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    Was his wife ill for a long time before she passed away? Maybe that is part of the reason you didn't see them? I think you are being a little selfish by avoiding him, maybe he wants to chat to someone who isn't as involved in his life as his family are. Maybe arrange to meet him and say you have to go at a certain time to an appointment?
  • Sunny_Saver
    Sunny_Saver Posts: 3,044
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    edited 19 March 2017 at 8:30PM
    I dont feel he has dementia - he still drives, I dont think he would if had that. He remembers things very well, as in he could probably tell me I haven't seen you for xxx months, yy dweeks and zz days. Or he would say on xx date, y month, z year, you did this or that.

    poppystar: no he hasnt invited me to his home for a meal, but he has never cooked before now. His wife used to. A niece is living with him as she's studying here.

    justme111: yes, I do feel uncomfortable and creeped out now. He now knows I am at a certain place at a certain time, so he also goes then at that time. I haven't said what place in case he's on here, although I doubt it. Well, I've stopped going there now, as I had stuff to do there and he'd follow me and talk.

    He's not morose nor does he talk about his wife when he sees me, so I dont think he seems vulnerable. It's about what he's been doing, where he's been travelling to etc, so poppystar may be right, he doesnt want to go home. Maybe I'm being presumptious saying he's lonely.
    “It was only a sunny smile, and little it cost in the giving, but like morning light it scattered the night and made the day worth living.”

    F. Scott Fitzgerald
  • Sunny_Saver
    Sunny_Saver Posts: 3,044
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    edited 20 March 2017 at 6:36AM
    piglet25 wrote: »
    Was his wife ill for a long time before she passed away? Maybe that is part of the reason you didn't see them? I think you are being a little selfish by avoiding him, maybe he wants to chat to someone who isn't as involved in his life as his family are. Maybe arrange to meet him and say you have to go at a certain time to an appointment?

    No, her death was quite sudden. She became ill late spring and died two months later. It was totally unexpected because afterwards he told me they had booked on a month's tour of India.
    “It was only a sunny smile, and little it cost in the giving, but like morning light it scattered the night and made the day worth living.”

    F. Scott Fitzgerald
  • Sunny_Saver
    Sunny_Saver Posts: 3,044
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    edited 20 March 2017 at 6:35AM
    The other thing is, if it were reversed and he'd passed, I think I would be fine with seeing his wife regularly, as I was more comfortable with her, so I dont think it's an age thing.

    Thinking about it, he rarely mentions his wife at all.
    “It was only a sunny smile, and little it cost in the giving, but like morning light it scattered the night and made the day worth living.”

    F. Scott Fitzgerald
  • ognum
    ognum Posts: 4,835
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    The other thing is, if it were reversed and he'd passed, I think I would be fine with seeing his wife regularly, as I was more comfortable with her, so I dont think it's an age thing.

    Sunny saver

    You have an interesting quote at the base of your posts. How does that reflect on the way you feel about meeting this man.
  • Sunny_Saver
    Sunny_Saver Posts: 3,044
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    edited 19 March 2017 at 9:50PM
    ognum : Well Im wondering after the comments and observations on here, what's made me change my attitude. I cried buckets over his wife, yet spending time with him makes me feel really uncomfortable.

    I am also thinking back on what ripply said about romance. I know I felt very uncomfortable when he went on about how beautiful his grandson's gf was, it was a bit more than what I thought was normal, and also I was out shopping with a friend who is 70 and very attractive, he said something slightly strange about her good looks, strange as in maybe inappropriate, and gave her an admiring look, so who knows. I have no idea what is acceptable or not for singletons in their 80s, but for me, I found it inappropriate.

    It's all very well saying spend time with others, but if it distresses me, should I be doing so?
    “It was only a sunny smile, and little it cost in the giving, but like morning light it scattered the night and made the day worth living.”

    F. Scott Fitzgerald
  • Sunny_Saver
    Sunny_Saver Posts: 3,044
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    Also ognum, if you read my quote it's about giving a smile. I said I was happy to say Hi and small talk in the street. A smile normally comes with that.
    “It was only a sunny smile, and little it cost in the giving, but like morning light it scattered the night and made the day worth living.”

    F. Scott Fitzgerald
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