The cutting out/cutting down alcohol thread (part 7)

Hiya guys,

Hope you are all well.

I feel terrible.

In bed, after drinking all day and night yesterday, going around the pubs on my own.

This is embarrassing to admit -

I feel so lonely.

I have no friends.

My one remaining mate, P, is also an alcoholic, and he seems to want me to continue drinking. No surprise there..

Yesterday, I finished things with M, my girlfriend. It was awful.

I wasn't / am not in love with her, and it wasn't fair to either of us.

M and I, walked into town together, as I'd promised to repay her the £40 I'd wasted on booze, on Wednesday. We got to the cashpoint, and I paid her back.

I still haven't posted that jacket (which I sold to a guy in Canada, 9 days ago on Ebay).. and I'm worried he'll have a change of heart / leave negative feedback /it's obviously not right - I need to get it posted, but it'll have to be Monday, as I can barely walk.

It's also gonna be either £25 / 40 depending on the weight, to post by Airsure, and I can't afford it now cos of drinking again yesterday.

More than this, I'm worried M is gonna do something daft.

She was hysterical yesterday, and said "You make me want to kill myself" :-/

Didn't know what to say.

I had a weird fit type thing in the night. Had it before when I've been drinking, and it's got worse. Keep having that strange, out of body sensation too.

My life is empty and pointless guys.

Like I said before, I have no friends now, due to drinking mostly alone, these past 10 years.

In 2000, my then Girlfriend of 5 years, K, walked out on me.

I deserved it.

I cheated on her, when drunk, several times, and then once, when hammered, I pushed her very hard.

Keep dreaming about this still, and wish I could make itu
up to her, and say sorry.
K was - is - an Angel. She's smart, funny, beautiful, kind, caring, so loving, and she never deserved what I did to her when drunk.

Guess what? - Now I can't stop drinking..

She's with a guy now, and has a baby.

Strange emotions with this..

Our mutual friends, now pretty much don't bother with me, and I miss them so much.

Can't stop crying.

Don't think I've ever felt so alone in my entire life.

Earlier today, I even considered getting on a train to a nearby city, and selling my iPhone to 'CEX'.. Yep, to raise more money for booze..

Over the past 18 months, I've sold 3 other iPhones, and my laptop, all to raise money for drink. Becaus of this, I'm now in heavy debt..

Madness.

I had a word with myself, and while I'm still craving a drink now, it's lessened, and I won't be going out / won't be selling my phone.

Guys and gals, I'm 36, and I seem to have lost my life! *nervous, false laugh*

I was on Facebook (have since deactivated it) but it hurt immensely seeing old friends live their lives, happily, with girlfriends or wives and children.. careers.

I don't know where to start.

Sorry if this all sounds negative, hopeless and full to the brim with sadness, and self pity, but it's how I feel.

Thanks,

Sim x

On a lighter note - I wouldn't advise, playing Elton John's 'I Want Love, when feeling like this!

It sums up how I feel right now though.

Not very manly to admit, feeling lonely :-/

Does anyone else on here, feel this way?

It's times like this, when I miss my Mum and Nan.

Mum died in '96. She was 45, and had cancer.

Nan died in '99; from Emphysima related illness.

God, to have them back.

Can't stop these tears.

Cheers,

Sim x

SimIsOnTheUp wrote: »

Not very manly to admit, feeling lonely :-/

Does anyone else on here, feel this way?

It's times like this, when I miss my Mum and Nan.

Couldn't bear to not reply.

I think you know you have t ostop.

Just try a day at a time. Nothing else. Be the person you wer when you started the relationships that made you happy.

It's not over til it's over.

Keep on fighting - the fact you've come on here shows that you want to change.

Do it. For yourself. I used to think booze made it all better. IT made a whole lot of things a lot worse and clouded the way out of the mess I'd made.

I'm still fixing things. You can too.

Take care.

Bis

Sim: Step 1: contact this guy who bought your jacket and keep him informed. He is less likely to get angry if he knows that the jacket will eventually reach him. Step 2: make an appointment with you GP ASAP!!!! It sounds to me that on top of having problem with alcohol you also have depression and this needs to be treated. You can't just will it better. I know - I have been there and still am in some days. Step 3: Pack the jacket so it is ready to go when you have money for postage.