Am I being used by my family?
ForeverAwake
Posts: 59 Forumite
My sister asked to borrow £50 until next day to prevent overdraft fees due to direct debit. I agreed and transferred the money.
Four weeks later.. no mention of it. She did this last year too. I’m worried I’ll get the “it’s Christmas and I’ve got kids.. I’ll pay you back £10 a week soon” scenario. I think that’s terrible to ask to “borrow” money from someone with no intention of paying it back.
She also opened a birthday card that was meant for me from a friend and took gift money out and spent it.
My mother asked to borrow £300 towards a car, however when I asked for the money back she said “I’ve got an enough money”, “I wanted her to have the car”, and “you can use the car for driving lessons”.
I’m worried they feel “entitled” to money from me because I’ve done well in my job recently.
Four weeks later.. no mention of it. She did this last year too. I’m worried I’ll get the “it’s Christmas and I’ve got kids.. I’ll pay you back £10 a week soon” scenario. I think that’s terrible to ask to “borrow” money from someone with no intention of paying it back.
She also opened a birthday card that was meant for me from a friend and took gift money out and spent it.
My mother asked to borrow £300 towards a car, however when I asked for the money back she said “I’ve got an enough money”, “I wanted her to have the car”, and “you can use the car for driving lessons”.
I’m worried they feel “entitled” to money from me because I’ve done well in my job recently.
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Comments
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so now's the time to speak up - next time your mum and sister ask for a loan, tell them you'll happily consider it when they pay you back the money you've already lent them this year. End of discussion (and its okay to say "No" to lending money).0
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If your sister did it last year then you probably don't have anyone to blame but yourself for falling for it a second time. Although it is slightly unclear as to whether you've made any attempt to get the money back.
Did you confront her as to why she stole money from a card for you? Or even why she went in there in the first place?
Other than making it clear to both that you want the money back I think the only thing you can do is not lend them anything again (unless you're happy for it to be a gift)0 -
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.0
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Do you still live at home with your mum and sister?0
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Hi. Just my two penneth, having had a sibling who constantly "borrowed" (and lied, stole and cheated) from us for years growing up, bite the bullet and say enough is enough. You may not get this money back, but you will feel empowered if you say no next time. Weigh up the odds of getting it back carefully before giving them any more in future.
Good luck & be strong x0 -
ForeverAwake wrote: »My sister asked to borrow £50 until next day to prevent overdraft fees due to direct debit. I agreed and transferred the money.
Four weeks later.. no mention of it. She did this last year too. I’m worried I’ll get the “it’s Christmas and I’ve got kids.. I’ll pay you back £10 a week soon” scenario. I think that’s terrible to ask to “borrow” money from someone with no intention of paying it back.
She also opened a birthday card that was meant for me from a friend and took gift money out and spent it.
My mother asked to borrow £300 towards a car, however when I asked for the money back she said “I’ve got an enough money”, “I wanted her to have the car”, and “you can use the car for driving lessons”.
I’m worried they feel “entitled” to money from me because I’ve done well in my job recently.
I could be wrong, but I get the feeling from this thread that you may be quite young, and standing up to your mum and sister may be easier said than done. It's strange how often things like this happen; they wouldn't do it to friend or a stranger, but family is fair game, and if you say something about it, you're made to feel that you're the one in the wrong.
As a suggestion, I would perhaps adjust whatever you would normally spend on your sister and her family for Christmas by £50, and either shop smart, so she doesn't realise, or tell her that you spent a bit less than usual, but you don't want the £50 back.
The car money and the money in the card have probably gone, and you won't see them again. Make sure you get those driving lessons, and don't put fuel in, unless you're asked to.
It may also be time to be a bit more cagey about the amount of money you earn, and even hide some of it away in a savings account or an ISA that they don't know about. If you've done well in your job recently, you could always say that it was only a secondment, and you're back to your previous wage, or that it was down to overtime, and that's now finished. I know you shouldn't have to do this, but it might be the least confrontational way forward.
Good luck!0 -
As a suggestion, I would perhaps adjust whatever you would normally spend on your sister and her family for Christmas by £50, and either shop smart, so she doesn't realise, or tell her that you spent a bit less than usual, but you don't want the £50 back.
Agree with this! get an inexpensive box of chocs or something, and if she says anything, tell her not to worry about the £50 you loaned her, as her pressie. Let's face it, you know you aren't going to get it back anyway.
OP, you need to learn to say no. We all have to do it sometimes, and it can feel uncomfortable and difficult when it's people we love especially.
It does sound like they are taking you for granted. I think you shouldn't tell you what you are earning, or promotions or anything like that. None of their business.
Outrageous they opened your birthday card and spent it, that's theft! Sounds indicative of them not seeing you as an adult or respecting that fact.
Draw a line over the £50, £300 and anything else that's happened. But start now as you mean to go on. Say no if anyone asks for a loan, keep your mouth shut over your job and earnings.
To be honest, if you are living with them, I suggest you move out which would solve the problem.0 -
User name made my snigger
ForeverAwake, more like HalfAsleep.
I would go with the get nothing for Xmas and birthdays.
Just a note in a card(reuse the one they stole the money from) to say they got their present early.0 -
Yes they are, but you are letting them so I can't blame them really.
Either continue to loan them knowing you won't get it back and don't complain, or stop loaning.Forty and fabulous, well that's what my cards say....0 -
I feel your pain as this happened to me.
I had done very well in my job and had the trappings to go with it and I realised that insidiously I had become a walking cashpoint.
Mum ' borrowed' as and when and there were always reasons it couldn't be paid back
my brother needed a place to stay so I evicted tenants in my second home for him to move in. He trashed the place.
My closest fried 'borrowed' money to do a training course and no mention was ever made of it again.
The final straw was when I went shopping with mum at a time she owed me £300 and she bought herself clothes etc.
I realised I was being taken for a fool and I asked my friend for the money back and also mum as I said it wasn't fair on her buying non essentials whilst she hadn't paid a bean of this money back.
OP it is the slippery slope down and at least you have recognised it, you may have to right off what you have given so far but from now on you can't lend / give money. If you don't feel comfortable saying no think of an excuse eg large car repair / flat repair bills, new boiler etc
If your family follow mine they will get the message and stop asking.0
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