Whats fair?/ splitting finances
Comments
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sevenhills wrote: »You need to be able to agree, you will be living as a couple. I have never been in that situation, but surely the person with responibility for the children should work less, regardless of who the parent is.
Why? I can see that arrangements will be needed for school holidays but why does the parent responsible need, for example, a day off every Friday? :think:0 -
Just to be clear her children are 14 and 9 so not young and time demanding like 5 year olds.
If i did split my pay then my children would suffer as I would not be able to pay for treats, classes, mobil phones, take them on holiday as I currently do. It just feels like i’m robbing them so my girlfriend can have extra time to herself.0 -
Just to be clear her children are 14 and 9 so not young and time demanding like 5 year olds.
If i did split my pay then my children would suffer as I would not be able to pay for treats, classes, mobil phones, take them on holiday as I currently do. It just feels like i’m robbing them so my girlfriend can have extra time to herself.
Then you know what the decision is - you don't move in together and you continue to put your children first.0 -
Just to be clear her children are 14 and 9 so not young and time demanding like 5 year olds.
If i did split my pay then my children would suffer as I would not be able to pay for treats, classes, mobil phones, take them on holiday as I currently do. It just feels like i’m robbing them so my girlfriend can have extra time to herself.
As she's only working 50% of hours to look after kids. You could notionally do the same. Workout the difference in net pay if you halved your hours. Then go 50/50 with your 1st half of pay (this will be a lot more due to tax &;NI allowances). Then the smaller 2nd half of pay ringfence for paying for your kids.0 -
Then you know what the decision is - you don't move in together and you continue to put your children first.
Yeah I agree with this.
When there are kids involved it’s really important to be on the same page before you start to blend your families.
You aren’t, so don’t, to be blunt.
This might be he end of the road.
I do generally agree with shared finances but it has to be a two way street when you’re both able bodied and there are no tiny children needing loads of care. If she was working really hard full time at some valuable low paid job like a carer or a cleaner or a nursery nurse it would be different, but because she just wants to have lots of free time while you don’t, yeah that’s not fair.0 -
onwards&upwards wrote: »
I do generally agree with shared finances but it has to be a two way street when you’re both able bodied and there are no tiny children needing loads of care. If she was working really hard full time at some valuable low paid job like a carer or a cleaner or a nursery nurse it would be different, but because she just wants to have lots of free time while you don’t, yeah that’s not fair.
I agree. Personally I don't like the 'shared pot' system as I prefer individual accounts and then paying your way. That's probably because I was financially independent before I got together with my DH and that indepence means a lot to each of us.
It's wrong IMO that many vital jobs are so poorly paid but that's another thread completely.
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Usually I'm for the "one pot" system, but usually only once couples are either married or been together years, or with children together.
In your circumstances, your finances are too unbalanced for "one pot" to work from day one, and I agree you'd be subsidising her lifestyle choices.
Even if you kept finances separate, who's going to end up paying for things she can't afford on her hours....you are!! (Big bills, cars, holidays etc.)
If you're arguing over money now... what's going to change if you move in together.How's it going, AKA, Nutwatch? - 12 month spends to date = 2.31% of current retirement "pot" (as at end March 2024)0 -
She wants to take money from your children to give to herself and her kids. Someone like that isn't a decent person - though her decision to scam the system so the rest of us pay for her should have tipped you off as to that.0
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I read a book once that said the biggest causal factor in divorce was financial incompatability - at the time I was too young to understand the resounding truth.
I take an 'all in' system - if you and her are setting up a family together - and you are going to take on her kids, and she is involved with yours, and you are sharing a home and building a future - then really you need to be prepared to step up and share finances.
You aren't - I don't think, personally, that with children who will live with you, get attached, grow to think of you as a parent figure that you should take that step if you aren't all in.
Now my husband and I have a joint pot system - his choice - but then he worked endless hours whilst I was available to all of our children - his as well as mine. So he was freed whilst I did the school runs, parents evenings, dentist trips, shopping etc - all very traditional - and I worked part time to give him the flexibility to earn for us because he had the greater earning capacity.
We are married now, have bought houses together etc - and despite still having our own accounts it is, and always has been, 'our money' - we are both working and contributing to the family in different ways, that's how a partnership works.
You don't appear to value her contribution at all, I doubt she has a 'day off' on Friday, but even if she did, I know that if I said to my husband I'd had a pyjama day he'd say 'good for you, was it lovely?'
I am not an advocate of anyone 'living off' anyone else - but before my husband and I moved in together, and affected five children, we talked it all out and were both 100% in - in fact, he didn't move in until he was prepared to pay maintenance to help me support MY children if we split! I found that absolute overkill - but his approach was that if he was going to step up and be in a parental role then he was going to do it right and be prepared to commit to them on an ongoing basis even if we couldn't hold it together in the same house.
You are affecting not just your children but hers - and whilst I thought my husband was barking at the time I now understand why he viewed the transition as so monumental for the children, and assumed so much responsibility for all of them.
If you can't be 100% in, then think long and hard about whether or not you have matching values here - and don't take the step unless your sure. I think you would be if it was right for you, and you aren't.0 -
Don't do it. Getting it wrong and causing arguments will mess you both up as well as your respective children. If you have different views on money, family life will suffer and be a round of continual arguments.
Nice though it sounds, if your respective relationships and incomes bring different finances to the equation and you have different philosophies in what constitutes fairness one of you will always be harbouring a deep sense of resentment. Better to keep your households separate and come together for weekends and special occasions when they are pleasurable, rather than arguing all the time.
YOu've been bitten once. Don,t make the same mistake again, albeit triggered by a different reason. Seanymph talks a lot of sense. Are you prepared to make that sort of commitment ?0
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