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  • FIRST POST
    • Buggins
    • By Buggins 25th Jan 18, 7:49 PM
    • 324Posts
    • 243Thanks
    Buggins
    Self help thread. I am a widow coping getting on with it
    • #1
    • 25th Jan 18, 7:49 PM
    Self help thread. I am a widow coping getting on with it 25th Jan 18 at 7:49 PM
    Just wanted to put this thread on to replace the missing one. Worried that some people who have been following the old thread might really need it sometime and won't get the support they need/want. It has, and still does, help me.
Page 52
    • crv1963
    • By crv1963 4th Jan 19, 2:30 PM
    • 924 Posts
    • 2,079 Thanks
    crv1963
    crv, so pleased that your mum has moved forward in such a positive way. My maternal grandmother was exactly the same - so many clubs/activities to keep her busy and happy. However, my paternal grandmother was quite the opposite. She became very withdrawn (despite all our love and encouragement) and shortly afterwards died of cancer. It was very quick and up until that point in time she had never been ill. Her Oncologist told me that he believed it to be a 'bereavement cancer'. I had never heard that term until then.
    Originally posted by BucksLady
    I've never heard of the term either, I do know that people do give up on life, Dads Mum took to her bed when Grandad went into hospital with a prostate problem believing falsely that he would die.

    He came out a few days later but she died in her bed a few months later- he lived another 20 years and died at 99!

    Depression in the elderly is much more easily recognised these days, but some do give up on the will to live still. I have come across people who refuse treatment for serious illness because they feel their life is over, no amount of reasoning making any difference.

    Thankfully as a society we are so much better informed these days and attitudes/ activities are so different, looking at pictures of my grandparents at my age now they all look so old! These days fitness and keeping going are cheap and better organised than even 10 years ago. Access to healthier foods must also play a part as well as reduced smoking.

    My mothers idea of hell is going into a Nursing Home listening to the old songs from the war, she danced to Cliff Richard and the Shadows in the Dance Hall and was banned by her father from listening to Elvis on the radio "because he was too suggestive!"
    CRV1963- Light bulb moment Sept 15- Planning the great escape- aka retirement!
    • MrAPJI
    • By MrAPJI 4th Jan 19, 6:04 PM
    • 100 Posts
    • 1,283 Thanks
    MrAPJI

    How is your recovery coming along?
    Originally posted by crv1963

    Very well thank you crv - I no longer resemble an 'egyptian mummy' - and all bandages and casts have been removed! Physio has commenced and I'm now feeling something like my old self. I've been staying with my brother and sister-in-law and they've been fantastic - count myself very lucky.


    Your mum sounds very independent - pleased she has someone who genuinely cares about her.
    • Mr Costcutter
    • By Mr Costcutter 5th Jan 19, 11:52 AM
    • 377 Posts
    • 1,084 Thanks
    Mr Costcutter

    My mothers idea of hell is going into a Nursing Home listening to the old songs from the war, she danced to Cliff Richard and the Shadows in the Dance Hall and was banned by her father from listening to Elvis on the radio "because he was too suggestive!"
    Originally posted by crv1963
    To think that Cliff Richard is still going strong! Quite astonishing really.
    The prospect of ending my days in a Nursing Home, absolutely fills me with dread. It's no wonder so many people are now looking to make 'alternative arrangements'.
    • retiredandskint
    • By retiredandskint 5th Jan 19, 3:02 PM
    • 759 Posts
    • 4,616 Thanks
    retiredandskint
    It isn't wrong, not one bit is it wrong. I didn't cook for a week 10 days something like that, I lived on crisps and chocolate. So what! I didn't do myself any harm. I didn't shower for a few days as it just didn't occur to me. Was I wrong? No, of course I wasn't I was dealing with a horrendous situation in the best way I could. (((hugs)))
    Originally posted by White_musk
    My husband died a week ago today and your comment about crisps and chocolate brought a much needed smile. I too am eating crisps and chocolate, I haven't showered, got dressed or opened the blinds today. I miss my husband dreadfully, in his case it was a merciful release, he had Lewy Body dementia and was very tormented.
    • Buggins
    • By Buggins 5th Jan 19, 5:11 PM
    • 324 Posts
    • 243 Thanks
    Buggins
    So sorry that you needed to join this thread but pleased you were able to have a little smile. It really does help knowing other people are 'out there'. Sincere condolences on the death of your husband. Take great care of yourself.
    • sheilavw
    • By sheilavw 5th Jan 19, 9:07 PM
    • 1,108 Posts
    • 1,670 Thanks
    sheilavw
    So sorry to hear of the loss of your Husband , such a cruel disease
    • happyandcontented
    • By happyandcontented 6th Jan 19, 8:24 AM
    • 2,069 Posts
    • 4,491 Thanks
    happyandcontented
    Sorry to hear about your loss. I am sure you will be welcomed on here by all the posters who have gone through similar trauma and by everyone else who pops in to offer what support we can.
    • daisy 1571
    • By daisy 1571 6th Jan 19, 2:34 PM
    • 486 Posts
    • 5,880 Thanks
    daisy 1571
    So sorry retired and skint, that sounds like such mixed emotions as he hadn't been well. Take care if yourself but if that's all you want to do sometimes then no harm in doing it

    Daisy xx
    "Never save something for a special occasion. Every day in your life is a special occasion" Take hold of every moment by anon

    The difference between what you were yesterday and what you will be tomorrow is what you do today
    • daisy 1571
    • By daisy 1571 6th Jan 19, 2:53 PM
    • 486 Posts
    • 5,880 Thanks
    daisy 1571
    When I was reading through this thread when I first found it to catch up, many many pages ago I remember somebody was annoyed/dismayed/incredulous (sorry cant rem who and cant rem quite what they emotion was) that somebody suggested they get a dog and there was a short discussion about the idea that a dog can never replace a partner and it was an inappropriate thing to suggest.

    Can j just make a tiny point in case it helps someone - a dog i dont feel was mooted as a direct replacement for the partner. People instincly try to help and if they suspect a bereaved person may now have a yawning hole in their life their instinct might be to suggest a way to help with that, from the best intentions not from a dismissive 'oh your husband can be replaced with a dog' type of way.

    I feel it was probably suggested (probably by a dog owner or former dog owner) simply because the right dog at the right time in someone's life can be very good company in the house, it gives you a purpose to speak out loud to something and consult another living being 'shall we have lunch?' etc without if course getting a verbal reply but you will get a response, it gives an outlet for the natural instinct most of us have to take care of something, it gives a reason to get out of bed or the armchair as they need fed and walked regularly and when you do go out with them it gives you an opportunity to join a wonderful club of other dog walkers. Suddenly you can go up to complete strangers and start talking to them, strangers with and without dogs will come over to you and initiate conversation, if you dont feel like talking on a particular day you can raise a hand shout 'morning' but wander off in the other direction and you will still be welcomed another day when you feel more chatty.

    I just wanted to say this in case someone reading may think about it in a different light. Yes a cat or budgie or other animal will fill a lot of these roles, but the crucial thing about a dog is it gives you social interaction.

    Sorry for long post, just trying to help.

    Hugs to anyone who needs one today.

    Daisy xx
    Last edited by daisy 1571; 06-01-2019 at 2:55 PM. Reason: Spelling
    "Never save something for a special occasion. Every day in your life is a special occasion" Take hold of every moment by anon

    The difference between what you were yesterday and what you will be tomorrow is what you do today
    • MrAPJI
    • By MrAPJI 7th Jan 19, 9:01 AM
    • 100 Posts
    • 1,283 Thanks
    MrAPJI
    My sincere condolences, Retiredandskint. This will be such a difficult time for you, but never feel that you are alone. There is always someone here who will listen and give support when needed.
    • retiredandskint
    • By retiredandskint 7th Jan 19, 9:26 AM
    • 759 Posts
    • 4,616 Thanks
    retiredandskint
    It's the quietness of the house. I'd spent five years caring for my husband and now nothing. I've only just had a shower and opened the curtains after two days and that's because I have to go and see the funeral director later today.
    • sheilavw
    • By sheilavw 7th Jan 19, 9:52 AM
    • 1,108 Posts
    • 1,670 Thanks
    sheilavw
    so sorry for your loss xx
    • MrAPJI
    • By MrAPJI 7th Jan 19, 11:16 AM
    • 100 Posts
    • 1,283 Thanks
    MrAPJI
    Retiredandskint, understand what you mean about 'the quietness'. You are probably feeling it even more because your day no longer centers on caring for your husband. It's really tough and I do feel for you.
    • wort
    • By wort 8th Jan 19, 10:48 AM
    • 977 Posts
    • 11,636 Thanks
    wort
    Thinking of you retired and skint. You don't mention any family, or friends if not please don't hesitate to speak up on here. Most of us will have felt similarly and will hopefully make you feel less alone.
    I found counselling good, as I could really let loose all those feeling that were building up inside, I only went for 3 sessions but found a great release. My Dr's had a counsellor and I saw them immediately. Things are still very raw, and the funeral is a hurdle to get over yet. I hope you have someone to help you through even a neighbour who can help with funeral organisation.
    I opted for a package, it was less expensive, I had little money. Plus I wasn't having to decide on all the horrible bits. My only big decision was what flowers to have.
    The hospital gave me a leaflet that listed a service which I think was called tell all. Let them know and they inform relevant govt offices, such as tax etc. Which saves you doing it.


    Sammie, I hope you have seen someone, and are getting some help. Getting out and keeping busy do help. I felt that although John had died too young. It was up to me to pack more into my life for him. To make up for what he missed.
    The 18 months have flown since he died and I can't believe he won't walk back in. It worries me that I can't remember how it felt to hold him. No one else feels quite the same. I've had so many hugs from friends and family which is lovely but it's not him.
    Sending hugs to all in need .x
    Focus on contribution instead of the impressiveness of consumption to see the true beauty in people.
    • crv1963
    • By crv1963 8th Jan 19, 4:14 PM
    • 924 Posts
    • 2,079 Thanks
    crv1963
    Sorry for your loss retired and skint, it has been described as the most lonely time in life, I do hope that you're getting some support from others.

    Sammy I hope that you are okay?
    CRV1963- Light bulb moment Sept 15- Planning the great escape- aka retirement!
    • Sammie36
    • By Sammie36 8th Jan 19, 8:08 PM
    • 29 Posts
    • 129 Thanks
    Sammie36
    Hi everyone, thank you crv1963. Hope you are ok?
    Retired and skint. I am so sorry for you loss. Sending you love.

    I am having a lot of trouble getting into my gp. I can't get past the receptionist.

    I just feel completly wiped out. I almost called the Samaritans the other night mid panic attack but decided against it.

    Hi wort, hope you are ok. I know I should get out and about but i just don't seem able to. I do the school run, after school clubs and that's it. I just want to hide away.

    I am out of my antidepressants now and won't be able to get any more til I manage to speak with a doctor.

    Take care everyone xxx
    • BucksLady
    • By BucksLady 9th Jan 19, 1:47 PM
    • 538 Posts
    • 1,763 Thanks
    BucksLady
    Sammie, I'm so sorry the receptionist hasn't been able to book an appointment for you. That isn't right. You are going through so much at the moment and need to see your GP quickly. I'm sure that is what he/she would want to happen too. I would urge you to try again and if the receptionist says there aren't any available slots, perhaps ask for the GP to call you. I know they will do this.

    Sending my love xx
    • White_musk
    • By White_musk 14th Jan 19, 10:46 PM
    • 166 Posts
    • 1,789 Thanks
    White_musk
    My husband died a week ago today and your comment about crisps and chocolate brought a much needed smile. I too am eating crisps and chocolate, I haven't showered, got dressed or opened the blinds today. I miss my husband dreadfully, in his case it was a merciful release, he had Lewy Body dementia and was very tormented.
    Originally posted by retiredandskint
    So sorry to hear your sad news, please accept my condolences. It was my 5th anniversary last week and while I have made a 'new normal' I still miss my husband so much,

    I used to post here quite often, RL got in the way but finally things are almost back to my new normal with the work on the house all set to be finished next week. I can look around here now and feel like it's how I wanted it. I had a new kitchen and boiler put in as well as a wet room. I have also treated myself to a sun room. The work people will be finished at the latest a week on Wednesday then Thursday I have the new carpets and kitchen lino being fitted. The week after that is all the new blinds, then I'm done. I've decided that I can just about afford to replace the furniture in my bedroom which I plan on ordering once all the other stuff is finally finished and then I am closing my purse.

    I am hoping, once I have all that done, apart from the inevitable breaking down of appliances, I should not have to replace anything in the house. I can live with that as I love all the furniture and bits I have and don't want to replace.

    I did a huge clear our when I downsized after my husband died and the kids left home, then I did it again when I downsized again when I came here. I plan to go through everything again to make sure I really do have only things I really need or really want. Everything else has to go, space really is at a premium here.

    My daughter decided to move closer to me before the little one starts nursery so she will not have to move. She has found a house a few minutes away that ticks (most) boxes, is in her price range and has a couple of things she really loves. This has cheered me up no end as I love them both so much and will now see them much more often than once a week. I have a feeling babysitting will become a frequent occurrence as my daughter works full time and granny comes a LOT cheaper than a childminder.
    Feb 2019 GC 151.53/300

    God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, wisdom to know the difference.
    • daisy 1571
    • By daisy 1571 23rd Jan 19, 8:44 PM
    • 486 Posts
    • 5,880 Thanks
    daisy 1571
    Radio 4extra had a half hour programme at half 1 today called merry widows recorded a few years ago talking to women who had lost husbands. I didn't hear all of it as someone came in but it might be useful to somebody. It will be on catchup for a while.

    Daisy
    "Never save something for a special occasion. Every day in your life is a special occasion" Take hold of every moment by anon

    The difference between what you were yesterday and what you will be tomorrow is what you do today
    • Buggins
    • By Buggins 25th Jan 19, 9:17 AM
    • 324 Posts
    • 243 Thanks
    Buggins
    Thank you Daisy - just listened to programme and found it very good.
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