mum coming to live with me - sharing bills?

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  • I doubt very much that every "child" who neglects their parents does so because their parents were cruel and abusive.

    I didn't in any way suggest that.

    Although I don't actually think its possible for a child to neglect their parent unless they have actually voluntarily taken on the responsibility for caring for them.
  • I didn't in any way suggest that.

    Although I don't actually think its possible for a child to neglect their parent unless they have actually voluntarily taken on the responsibility for caring for them.

    I was thinking of the number of people who post here who only see their elderly parent(s) a couple of times a year - I'd call that neglect.
  • I was thinking of the number of people who post here who only see their elderly parent(s) a couple of times a year - I'd call that neglect.

    Neglect can only exist if there is a duty of care in the first place. What you're describing is not being close to a family member.
  • Neglect can only exist if there is a duty of care in the first place. What you're describing is not being close to a family member.

    We'll have to agree to disagree.
    I think younger family members have a duty of care for their elderly relatives in most normal situations. Not necessarily to have them live with them, of course, but to have regret contact and to look out for them, even if at a distance.
    Not being close has nothing to do with it, being a caring human being does.
  • Cakeguts
    Cakeguts Posts: 7,627
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    What about if your parents didn't treat you well? Still shame on them? Maybe we shouldn't be so quick to judge. Neglectful, cruel and abusive parents get old too.

    Yes mine did. Narcissistic abusive mothers do not change just because they are old. They are nasty selfish people for life. If you had a parent who you knew didn't like you when you were a child and showed you daily that they didn't like you throught their actions would you want to look after them when they were old and ill and still showing you that they don't like you?

    My abusive mother got Parkinson's disease and dementia. She is dead now. I don't miss her and I didn't have any grief when she died. We just did not have any form of relationship. Please do not judge other people's attitude to their parents you really do not know what has gone on in the past.
  • System
    System Posts: 178,077
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    My abusive mother got Parkinson's disease and dementia. She is dead now. I don't miss her and I didn't have any grief when she died. We just did not have any form of relationship. Please do not judge other people's attitude to their parents you really do not know what has gone on in the past.

    .... but it wouldnt stop you from choosing her care home and pop in occasionally if not to see her but to check that she was still safe. Its the decent thing to do. Even if your Mother was a cow to you, it doesnt stop you doing the decent thing.

    The care home opposite me has been pulled over the coals over some of their practices. Some are better than others.
  • Savvy_Sue
    Savvy_Sue Posts: 45,938
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    I was thinking of the number of people who post here who only see their elderly parent(s) a couple of times a year - I'd call that neglect.
    You're very welcome to your opinion, but I think we've had this discussion before. My parents didn't expect me to run my life around visiting them, and I don't expect my sons to run their lives around visiting me. I am, of course, fearfully neglected.
    Signature removed for peace of mind
  • margaretclare
    margaretclare Posts: 10,789 Forumite
    What about if your parents didn't treat you well? Still shame on them? Maybe we shouldn't be so quick to judge. Neglectful, cruel and abusive parents get old too.

    Oooops. According to my elder surviving daughter this was me. Not affectionate enough, trying to make her do things she didn't want to do (like not truanting from school), not being there for her enough etc etc.

    Some of this can be explained by my not being at home, being out at work 'concentrating on my career too much' although the end result was putting food on the table and keeping a roof over our heads.

    Oddly enough her younger sister who died (who she actually treated very badly, stealing from her etc) never had the same criticisms of me. Neither do my step-family especially my 2 step-granddaughters, who couldn't be more loving. Although they're all at a distance.
    [FONT=Times New Roman, serif]Æ[/FONT]r ic wisdom funde, [FONT=Times New Roman, serif]æ[/FONT]r wear[FONT=Times New Roman, serif]ð[/FONT] ic eald.
    Before I found wisdom, I became old.
  • thorsoak
    thorsoak Posts: 7,166
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    I was thinking of the number of people who post here who only see their elderly parent(s) a couple of times a year - I'd call that neglect.

    Oh dear. Maybe I should tell my children how sadly they neglect me! Distance also comes into relationships - my DD and her family live in USA - which means that I see them once - or twice a year if I am lucky. However, we (and I mean my DD, my DGD andDGS) talk weekly. Similarly for my son & his family who live in Ireland. At the moment I see slightly more of No 3 son and his wife who live 150 miles away - but I think things will change in a couple of months when their twins are born! No1 son pops in two or three times a month, but he works odd shifts and has his own family to look after.

    Its not a matter of neglect = not much personal contact, Tabbytabitha - not everyone lives in the same street, same town, same county - or even same country.
  • Cakeguts
    Cakeguts Posts: 7,627
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    Judi wrote: »
    .... but it wouldnt stop you from choosing her care home and pop in occasionally if not to see her but to check that she was still safe. Its the decent thing to do. Even if your Mother was a cow to you, it doesnt stop you doing the decent thing.

    The care home opposite me has been pulled over the coals over some of their practices. Some are better than others.

    My sister chose the care home and I helped them to persuade her that that is where she needed to be. It was a good home and it was about 120 miles away.
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