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  • FIRST POST
    • Blush Birdie
    • By Blush Birdie 22nd May 19, 10:04 PM
    • 6Posts
    • 4Thanks
    Blush Birdie
    Would you say something?
    • #1
    • 22nd May 19, 10:04 PM
    Would you say something? 22nd May 19 at 10:04 PM
    If someone you were once good friends with in the workplace (and are now only civil with) has a boyfriend who you witnessed cheating on her... would you say something to her? Would you leave it and think itís not your place to say something? Or that itís not your problem?

    Said ex best friend, her boyfriend and I all work in the same building. I may no longer be best friends with her, but we are good friends and still have a laugh together. I feel bad knowing what I know, but I donít know if I should say something to her?

    Please help. I witnessed this on Monday, itís been on my mind since then... what would you do?
Page 2
    • ska lover
    • By ska lover 24th May 19, 7:12 PM
    • 3,080 Posts
    • 7,458 Thanks
    ska lover
    Lets get this straight - you witnessed him cheating on her

    YOU WITNESSED him cheating, what exactly did you see? Did you see kissing, hand holding, penetration? WHAT?

    If I was very VERY sure, yes I would always tell a person that they were being cheated on...but I have to again repeat, I would have to be very certain of what I knew, not what I thought I saw

    I do not understand people who keep quiet about this kind of stuff, it is someone elses LIFE not a plot on coronation street

    If you know he is cheating, do the right thing. It is the right thing to alert her and not stand by observing her waste her life on this fool - do not add to her humiliation by being one of those who stand back and watch, all the time knowing about it

    I would want to know if it was me
    The opposite of what you know...is also true
    • PasturesNew
    • By PasturesNew 24th May 19, 7:23 PM
    • 66,294 Posts
    • 389,764 Thanks
    PasturesNew
    Everybody shoots the messenger... so only do it for a BEST friend.
    • Blush Birdie
    • By Blush Birdie 30th May 19, 5:46 PM
    • 6 Posts
    • 4 Thanks
    Blush Birdie
    I guess I wrote it that way because sometimes we are civil and sometimes we joke around like we used to when we were best friends.

    To sum it up, we are mostly civil and sometimes joke around too and have a little laugh.
    Up on and on to better things - enjoy hiding behind your computer screens!
    • Blush Birdie
    • By Blush Birdie 30th May 19, 5:58 PM
    • 6 Posts
    • 4 Thanks
    Blush Birdie
    In response to the question of what exactly I saw, it was this:

    The guy was leaning in towards the womanís neck, Iím assuming he was about to kiss her. When he and the woman saw me, he snapped his neck up super fast, she shoved him away, both looked at me for a second and then both proceeded to run down the staircase they were standing next to.

    Itís more the snapping apart and running away that makes me think they knew they were doing something they should not be doing. And maybe a little bit is to do with how close together in proximity they stood.

    To the person who said it sounds gossipy to go running and tell my friend, you presume I would do this why? Iím clearly not a gossipy person, Iím asking for othersí opinions on the matter so as not to Ďgo runningí and Ďgossipí, but rather make an informed decision about what would be best.

    Everyone else ó thank you for your kind replies and honest opinions. I appreciate every one of them and can see both sides. I have not said anything to my friend yet, however I have decided I am going to. It was her birthday this past Sunday, I did not want to ruin it as itís her 25th and she had plans ó she was very excited to be celebrating it. I have a lovely work colleague who I confided in about what I saw, sheís going to be coming with me when I tell my friend (this colleague also happens to be more than good friends with this woman).
    Up on and on to better things - enjoy hiding behind your computer screens!
    • ska lover
    • By ska lover 31st May 19, 12:21 AM
    • 3,080 Posts
    • 7,458 Thanks
    ska lover
    In response to the question of what exactly I saw, it was this:

    The guy was leaning in towards the woman’s neck, I’m assuming he was about to kiss her. When he and the woman saw me, he snapped his neck up super fast, she shoved him away, both looked at me for a second and then both proceeded to run down the staircase they were standing next to.

    It’s more the snapping apart and running away that makes me think they knew they were doing something they should not be doing. And maybe a little bit is to do with how close together in proximity they stood.

    To the person who said it sounds gossipy to go running and tell my friend, you presume I would do this why? I’m clearly not a gossipy person, I’m asking for others’ opinions on the matter so as not to ‘go running’ and ‘gossip’, but rather make an informed decision about what would be best.

    Everyone else — thank you for your kind replies and honest opinions. I appreciate every one of them and can see both sides. I have not said anything to my friend yet, however I have decided I am going to. It was her birthday this past Sunday, I did not want to ruin it as it’s her 25th and she had plans — she was very excited to be celebrating it. I have a lovely work colleague who I confided in about what I saw, she’s going to be coming with me when I tell my friend (this colleague also happens to be more than good friends with this woman).
    Originally posted by Blush Birdie
    Oh my god. Seriously?

    You have got more work colleagues involved in this? You have told other people before you tell her?

    You say you are ''clearly not'' a gossipy person.... Yeh you actually are...!!!!

    It does not matter how close a friend they are. That IS gossip

    Tell the affected party.

    Like immediately. and ALONE, don't arrive several of you so you can all stand there pawing over her misery and fall out.

    You have known this for over two weeks, and not said anything to the affected woman, but you have found the time to tell someone else........ Good luck with not getting a mouthful when the affected party finds this out..

    No girl code in your part of the world then eh

    Urgh and BARF
    Last edited by ska lover; 31-05-2019 at 12:23 AM.
    The opposite of what you know...is also true
    • NeilCr
    • By NeilCr 31st May 19, 5:36 AM
    • 3,123 Posts
    • 4,585 Thanks
    NeilCr
    Based on that I wouldn't tell anyone. I, generally, am against telling unless you are sure and there is no certainty here at all

    I was the subject of a similar kind of incident many years ago. I found out that some people in our office thought I was having an affair with one of my staff. Very flattering in a way (I was out of her league and she is fifteen years younger) but entirely not true. She was (and still is) a mate and we had a good laugh about it. Turned out it came about because someone walked in to the lift we were both in and thought we had been kissing.

    No-one told her partner (he worked at the same place). I doubt he'd have believed it but there could have been some damage from what was an unfounded assumption
    Last edited by NeilCr; 31-05-2019 at 6:50 AM.
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 31st May 19, 6:44 AM
    • 22,618 Posts
    • 61,192 Thanks
    Pollycat
    Based on that I wouldn't tell anyone. I, generally, am against telling unless you are sure and there is no certainty here at all
    Originally posted by NeilCr
    I'm gob-smacked that the OP actually believes she has 'witnessed cheating' based on her post #24.

    It's illuminating that she says she's asking for other people's opinions to make an informed decision about what would be best.
    Yet - out of the replies, I'd say more than half advised her to keep out of it. And that was before she revealed what she'd seen.

    As for involving someone else who has got this story second-hand from the OP and going together to deliver this news - that's beyond cruel.

    I'd rather find out my partner had been cheating - properly cheating, that is, not just what the OP has described - by any other means than the one planned by the OP.

    As there are 4 people (possibly 5 including the woman who has allegedly cheated with the boyfriend) all working in the same building, I can see the fall-out from this being somewhat spectacular.

    FTR - I did see someone cheating (well, not 'mid-shag' to quote hazyjo but definitely kissing passionately). That was my best friend and I told her that she had to confess to her partner otherwise I would tell him myself.
    She did the decent thing and told him herself.
    • paddy's mum
    • By paddy's mum 31st May 19, 7:56 AM
    • 3,699 Posts
    • 13,346 Thanks
    paddy's mum
    For all my adult life, I have maintained that the most unfair and cruel expression in the world is the one that says 'no smoke without fire'.
    • hazyjo
    • By hazyjo 31st May 19, 9:36 AM
    • 11,787 Posts
    • 15,810 Thanks
    hazyjo
    In response to the question of what exactly I saw, it was this:

    The guy was leaning in towards the womanís neck, Iím assuming he was about to kiss her. When he and the woman saw me, he snapped his neck up super fast, she shoved him away, both looked at me for a second and then both proceeded to run down the staircase they were standing next to.
    Originally posted by Blush Birdie
    Seriously? You are about to tell a friend that you 'assume' her OH was about to kiss someone else. Really? It does sound a bit like you're wanting to gossip and be the one to 'claim' it. I really don't think that's enough to conclude 'they're having an affair'.


    Like I said, I have a really good male friend at work. The gossips have been gossiping for over a decade. Let them crack on. If someone decided to tell my OH I was by his side all night at the Christmas or Summer Party, or went for a drink with him after work, my OH would say 'yep, I know.' And would probably add 'because the rest of you are backstabbing gossips and he's her best friend there'.
    2019 wins: Bottle of Prosecco; Popcorn Shed popcorn; Moisturising 'M&S Time Capsules'; Case of Boost Sport + £30 Just Eat voucher; Battle Proms tickets and hotel...
    • Skiddaw1
    • By Skiddaw1 31st May 19, 9:42 AM
    • 28 Posts
    • 46 Thanks
    Skiddaw1
    Honestly, I'd back off (and tell the other girl you confided in that you believe you were mistaken and to let it lie). If there is anything untoward going on, your former friend will find out soon enough and there's simply insufficient evidence either way. You'll stir up a hornet's nest right enough otherwise.
    • supermezzo
    • By supermezzo 31st May 19, 11:52 AM
    • 1,011 Posts
    • 1,203 Thanks
    supermezzo
    Stay well out of it and stop dragging other people into it, or you'll all be shot as the messenger, whether there is any truth on the cheating allegation or not.


    Even if its true, you're (quite rightly, imo) going to get a reputation for gossip and stirring things, especially now that you've involved someone else at work - Are you certain that she hasn't now confided in someone that they trust at work? Are you certain that no-one from work reads these forums?

    What if the woman you suspect is being cheated on reads this and now knows that the internet knew before she did?

    I feel really, really sorry for her if so.
    It aint over til I've done singing....
    • heartbreak_star
    • By heartbreak_star 31st May 19, 1:53 PM
    • 7,935 Posts
    • 17,690 Thanks
    heartbreak_star
    For all my adult life, I have maintained that the most unfair and cruel expression in the world is the one that says 'no smoke without fire'.
    Originally posted by paddy's mum
    I agree. My own example is as follows...I have a lot of very close male friends - one of them is currently going through a divorce and I have been accused of sleeping with him because I was in his house crying my eyes out over medical issues when his wife came home.

    I've never touched him other than friendly hugs, but she still won't speak to me and some mutual friends have turned against me.

    Circumstances are very often not what they seem. OP, I would absolutely not say something based on what you have seen and I would certainly stop telling people.

    HBS x
    Last edited by heartbreak_star; 31-05-2019 at 1:55 PM.
    "I believe in ordinary acts of bravery, in the courage that drives one person to stand up for another."

    "It's easy to know what you're against, quite another to know what you're for."

    #Starmer4PM #Bremainer
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 31st May 19, 2:02 PM
    • 22,618 Posts
    • 61,192 Thanks
    Pollycat
    I agree. My own example is as follows...I have a lot of very close male friends - one of them is currently going through a divorce and I have been accused of sleeping with him because I was in his house crying my eyes out over medical issues when his wife came home.

    I've never touched him other than friendly hugs, but she still won't speak to me and some mutual friends have turned against me.

    Circumstances are very often not what they seem. OP, I would absolutely not say something based on what you have seen and I would certainly stop telling people.

    HBS x
    Originally posted by heartbreak_star
    How awful for you.
    And the chap.
    I really can't imagine treating a friend like that - some people really ought to go off and get a role in EastEnders.
    I can never understand how some people can take sides in domestic matters.
    I always say 'unless you've been a fly on the wall 24/7 throughout the whole relationship, you don't know what has happened'.
    • heartbreak_star
    • By heartbreak_star 31st May 19, 2:06 PM
    • 7,935 Posts
    • 17,690 Thanks
    heartbreak_star
    How awful for you.
    And the chap.
    I really can't imagine treating a friend like that - some people really ought to go off and get a role in EastEnders.
    I can never understand how some people can take sides in domestic matters.
    I always say 'unless you've been a fly on the wall 24/7 throughout the whole relationship, you don't know what has happened'.
    Originally posted by Pollycat
    Thank you. It's really hurting but we've just got to keep our heads up and carry on. Thankfully my wonderful partner doesn't believe a word of it - I went straight to him and told him - but it's really, really wearing. I can now understand why people who have been falsely accused of crimes hurt or kill themselves.

    HBS x
    "I believe in ordinary acts of bravery, in the courage that drives one person to stand up for another."

    "It's easy to know what you're against, quite another to know what you're for."

    #Starmer4PM #Bremainer
    • suejb2
    • By suejb2 31st May 19, 6:13 PM
    • 1,534 Posts
    • 2,329 Thanks
    suejb2
    Song
    Take that look off your face (take that look off your face)
    I can see through your smile (I can see through your smile)
    You would love to be right
    I bet you didn't sleep good last night
    Couldn't wait to bring all of that bad news to my door
    Well, I've got news for you
    I knew before

    The lyrics to a song but they seem applicable to you.
    Life is like a bath, the longer you are in it the more wrinkly you become.
    • Blush Birdie
    • By Blush Birdie 31st May 19, 7:04 PM
    • 6 Posts
    • 4 Thanks
    Blush Birdie
    I feel like I'm being personally attacked on this forum and it's very uncalled for. If you want more information to form a non-judgemental reply, let me know please

    In response to the 10 year old who wrote those lyrics above... cool song, do you jam to it on your iPod? Nice!

    There is seriously no need to be so judgemental.

    It's funny those who wrote I should not assume he was cheating based on what I saw, think that being in close proximity to another woman does not mean you are not cheating. I should add here that in our culture (mine, the friend's, the cheating party's - man and woman) is such that we don't stand within 0.5cm of each other. And you don't think running away from the scene is weird and unusual at all? If I had nothing to hide, I would stand there and carry right on, doing what I was doing.

    UPDATE
    Apparently, what I saw happened 2 minutes after I arrived. Another woman in the building has told my friend she witnessed the man and woman KISSING (on the lips - if specifications are important to you) at the same time and place I did! My friend texted me today to say she had to talk to me (other witness told her I was there - suprised me to know 5 other people saw what happened + more!) and she was upset I had not said anything. I explained the reason why I did not say anything was because I was scared to, but that I know I should have. She's already left the apartment they share and told me she's on her way to her Mum's I do feel like I should have said something sooner.

    In regard to me telling a work mate and not her first, there's a bit of a back story here: last year she found out her boyfriend was telling people (incl. myself) that he did not see a future with her, is looking to dump her soon and wants to start afresh. When she found out I knew, she told everyone at work about personal things I had shared with her, these were extremely personal details of my life... she went and told about 10 people at our workplace.

    She then told these people if I ever said anything about her boyfriend not wanting to be with her, I was just 'jealous' and not to listen to me. Several people who she told shunned me, assuming I was out to get her. I never told anyone anything about what her boyfriend had told me (I was going to tell her only that he was saying such things, but someone beat me to it). She is vindictive and just cruel. She did later apologise for this behaviour and I let it all go, though this is the reason I do not wish to be close with her again. She has physically hit me in the past too (in anger, though I will say no serious harm was done - just a bruise). This did scare me a bit and I was taken aback. The only reason I told my work colleague is because I'm honestly still a bit frightened of her, but despite what she's done to me in the past, I felt I should stil tell her. I think she has serious anger (and possibly mental health) issues.

    Can I just say, I joined this forum because it's one of the only websites I can check at work (most of my job is to do with computers). I've been reading posts on here for a while now and thought joining would be nice. On an old post, an 'oldie' commented that newbies don't join this forum because the 'oldies' just seem to attack them. That very much seems to be the case here.

    I have been torn about what to do, clearly. I know I asked for opinions, but I did not state I would follow others' opinions/advice. I simply wanted a little bit of insight into what others thought. Should I have to follow your advice? I didn't know that is how forums work. I am not saying I do not appreciate your thoughts/advice and input, but surely after taken all these into consideration, I should do what I feel is right? Sometimes knowing what other people think can clear your own mind.

    To call me a gossip, to form opinions based on what little info. I gave, it just hurts a bit if I'm honest. I'm sensitive and do suffer with mental health myself - I do not want sympathy (I have, unfortunately, decided not to stick around on here due to harsh/uncalled for comments), but to just ask you be kinder in your responses in the future.

    I guess, in the end, what I saw was what I thought it was. I know my culture, my religion and know that things can be different for us than they are for other people. I admit you guys didn't have this info., but you jumped on the bashing bandwagon straight away. Says a lot about the kind of people on here. I understand things are not always what they seem, but this was what I, in my heart, knew it to be. I didn't have to be right, I badly wished I was wrong.

    Anyhow, I'm done justifying to strangers who pretend to be helpful and are, in reality, just mean.
    Up on and on to better things - enjoy hiding behind your computer screens!
    • paddy's mum
    • By paddy's mum 31st May 19, 8:56 PM
    • 3,699 Posts
    • 13,346 Thanks
    paddy's mum

    strangers who pretend to be helpful and are, in reality, just mean.
    Originally posted by Blush Birdie
    No, most of us are not mean either in spirit or in being aware of danger, often through sad experience.

    It seems to me that most responders said beware of the person informed shooting the messenger and that distorted but all too human response has gone on throughout history so not specifically aimed at you.

    I think your heart is in the right place but sometimes a situation is so complex and so fraught with pitfalls that the only sensible advice is back off, steer clear and keep safe.

    I do admit though to wondering what kind of workplace it is that allows/condones/fails to discipline someone way too handy with the slaps and wallops ... and that question comes from someone (me) who has spent a lifetime learning to keep a feisty temper in check.

    Have a peaceful weekend and relax that the horrid decision is now out of your hands.
    • Blush Birdie
    • By Blush Birdie 31st May 19, 10:28 PM
    • 6 Posts
    • 4 Thanks
    Blush Birdie
    More than one user mentioned/implied I am a gossip and I’m not. If my reasons for telling one work colleague were wrong, I understand the need to say I am one, but they weren’t. I also didn’t go running to tell her, I thought long and hard about it. This work colleague also knows what kind of person our friend can be and what she has done to me in the past.

    I guess I was just feeling hurt at the accusations when all I wanted was to get a glimpse into others’ thoughts on the matter.

    I understand it makes sense to back off and let things just run their natural course, I just think my history with my friend is complicated and it made backing off difficult.

    I am very glad that in the end I did not have to get involved. She may know that I saw what I saw, but she also knows many other people saw it and I am (sigh of relief) very happy it did not come from me! I would not like to have been the messenger she shot (or slapped, or bruised!).

    To be completely honest, she hit me outside of work, but the girl her boyfriend had an affair with - she slapped her right in middle of our workplace! She was suspended and then allowed to come back on a last warning! It is shocking!

    I’m sorry, I did not in any way mean to imply all users on this forum are mean. Your message was very thoughtful and kind and I truly appreciate it ☺️ It was nice to read and made my night - thank you very much. Your words are very pleasant and the kind I needed to lift me up a little. You have yourself a lovely weekend too.

    ☺️
    Up on and on to better things - enjoy hiding behind your computer screens!
    • Manxman in exile
    • By Manxman in exile 31st May 19, 11:13 PM
    • 2,409 Posts
    • 2,055 Thanks
    Manxman in exile
    Wow! 0.5cm is pretty close...
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 1st Jun 19, 7:05 AM
    • 22,618 Posts
    • 61,192 Thanks
    Pollycat
    I feel like I'm being personally attacked on this forum and it's very uncalled for. If you want more information to form a non-judgemental reply, let me know please

    In response to the 10 year old who wrote those lyrics above... cool song, do you jam to it on your iPod? Nice!

    There is seriously no need to be so judgemental.

    It's funny those who wrote I should not assume he was cheating based on what I saw, think that being in close proximity to another woman does not mean you are not cheating. I should add here that in our culture (mine, the friend's, the cheating party's - man and woman) is such that we don't stand within 0.5cm of each other. And you don't think running away from the scene is weird and unusual at all? If I had nothing to hide, I would stand there and carry right on, doing what I was doing.

    UPDATE
    Apparently, what I saw happened 2 minutes after I arrived. Another woman in the building has told my friend she witnessed the man and woman KISSING (on the lips - if specifications are important to you) at the same time and place I did! My friend texted me today to say she had to talk to me (other witness told her I was there - suprised me to know 5 other people saw what happened + more!) and she was upset I had not said anything. I explained the reason why I did not say anything was because I was scared to, but that I know I should have. She's already left the apartment they share and told me she's on her way to her Mum's I do feel like I should have said something sooner.

    In regard to me telling a work mate and not her first, there's a bit of a back story here: last year she found out her boyfriend was telling people (incl. myself) that he did not see a future with her, is looking to dump her soon and wants to start afresh. When she found out I knew, she told everyone at work about personal things I had shared with her, these were extremely personal details of my life... she went and told about 10 people at our workplace.

    She then told these people if I ever said anything about her boyfriend not wanting to be with her, I was just 'jealous' and not to listen to me. Several people who she told shunned me, assuming I was out to get her. I never told anyone anything about what her boyfriend had told me (I was going to tell her only that he was saying such things, but someone beat me to it). She is vindictive and just cruel. She did later apologise for this behaviour and I let it all go, though this is the reason I do not wish to be close with her again. She has physically hit me in the past too (in anger, though I will say no serious harm was done - just a bruise). This did scare me a bit and I was taken aback. The only reason I told my work colleague is because I'm honestly still a bit frightened of her, but despite what she's done to me in the past, I felt I should stil tell her. I think she has serious anger (and possibly mental health) issues.

    Can I just say, I joined this forum because it's one of the only websites I can check at work (most of my job is to do with computers). I've been reading posts on here for a while now and thought joining would be nice. On an old post, an 'oldie' commented that newbies don't join this forum because the 'oldies' just seem to attack them. That very much seems to be the case here.

    I have been torn about what to do, clearly. I know I asked for opinions, but I did not state I would follow others' opinions/advice. I simply wanted a little bit of insight into what others thought. Should I have to follow your advice? I didn't know that is how forums work. I am not saying I do not appreciate your thoughts/advice and input, but surely after taken all these into consideration, I should do what I feel is right? Sometimes knowing what other people think can clear your own mind.

    To call me a gossip, to form opinions based on what little info. I gave, it just hurts a bit if I'm honest. I'm sensitive and do suffer with mental health myself - I do not want sympathy (I have, unfortunately, decided not to stick around on here due to harsh/uncalled for comments), but to just ask you be kinder in your responses in the future.

    I guess, in the end, what I saw was what I thought it was. I know my culture, my religion and know that things can be different for us than they are for other people. I admit you guys didn't have this info., but you jumped on the bashing bandwagon straight away. Says a lot about the kind of people on here. I understand things are not always what they seem, but this was what I, in my heart, knew it to be. I didn't have to be right, I badly wished I was wrong.

    Anyhow, I'm done justifying to strangers who pretend to be helpful and are, in reality, just mean.
    Originally posted by Blush Birdie
    More than one user mentioned/implied I am a gossip and Iím not. If my reasons for telling one work colleague were wrong, I understand the need to say I am one, but they werenít. I also didnít go running to tell her, I thought long and hard about it. This work colleague also knows what kind of person our friend can be and what she has done to me in the past.

    I guess I was just feeling hurt at the accusations when all I wanted was to get a glimpse into othersí thoughts on the matter.

    I understand it makes sense to back off and let things just run their natural course, I just think my history with my friend is complicated and it made backing off difficult.

    I am very glad that in the end I did not have to get involved. She may know that I saw what I saw, but she also knows many other people saw it and I am (sigh of relief) very happy it did not come from me! I would not like to have been the messenger she shot (or slapped, or bruised!).

    To be completely honest, she hit me outside of work, but the girl her boyfriend had an affair with - she slapped her right in middle of our workplace! She was suspended and then allowed to come back on a last warning! It is shocking!

    Iím sorry, I did not in any way mean to imply all users on this forum are mean. Your message was very thoughtful and kind and I truly appreciate it ☺️ It was nice to read and made my night - thank you very much. Your words are very pleasant and the kind I needed to lift me up a little. You have yourself a lovely weekend too.

    ☺️
    Originally posted by Blush Birdie
    Nobody has 'personally attacked' you.
    When you put your personal life (or in this case, someone else's personal life) in the public domain you will get people who agree with you and people who don't.
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