How soon is too soon

VJWhite · 12 April 2019 at 5:27PM

We got married after 11 weeks of going out together. We saw each other weekends only as we lived miles apart. We have been married 45 yrs this year.

StephShrubb · 13 April 2019 at 6:34AM

I met my husband January 2018, we got engaged June 2018, although we knew well before that we wanted to be with each forever, then got married in October! I had 4 months to plan, but very proud of how I simplified it but we still had everything we wanted and saved a lot of money 😉

For us, we are Christian and didn't live together (or have sex) before we got married, so that does speed things along, but also we talked a lot about how we felt about each other, and were just inseparable while dating! We are very happy. So far so good!

The point is, as long as both of you are on the same page and committed in the same way, do whatever you feel is right and don't concern yourself with social pressures! Our families were very supportive. Don't know about yours but it's worth listening to them. Hopefully they understand how you feel.

Good luck!

MovingForwards · 13 April 2019 at 10:07AM

Moved in at 6 months, married at year 11, split up at year 20.

It either works because you both want to and continue to work at it or it doesn't.

TechyGuy · 13 April 2019 at 3:54PM

My wife and I met online (via a mutual friend) in August 1999, first date in Oct got engaged in Feb, moved in in March and got married in September. I was 22 and my wife was 17 when we met, and almost everyone said it would never last.

20 years and 8 children later we are still very much in love. Funnily enough, most of the people who thought we wouldn't make it split up years ago! We had some difficult times here and there, but it's about working through it and being committed. If it feels right to you, then as long as you both feel the same way, don't spoil it by over thinking things that make you happy. Love unconditionally, forgive each other willingly, embrace each others quirks, be fiercely loyal to each other and be in it together (whatever "it" may be!).

Good luck and be happy!

marisco_2 · 15 April 2019 at 2:20PM

I wouldn't consider getting married to someone unless I had known them for a good couple of years. A few months in is just a honeymoon period especially if you don't yet live together. Why the rush to tie the knot? Just enjoy living in the moment and see what evolves is my advice.

LoisGriffin · 15 April 2019 at 6:24PM

I can’t wait a good couple of years I will go mad!

If we lived our lives just listening to our heads and not our hearts then nobody would ever get married. Just live together. It makes more sense but it wouldn’t be enough for me. I need us to be a family unit.

I think we will be ok. It’s not a Big Bang thing from nowhere like it sounds. We knew who each other were for a while and have quite a few mutual friends. But hadn’t got to know each other properly until we did.

I don’t feel like we are in honeymoon period, I feel like we are getting used to aligning ourselves with each other and amending our lives to put each other at the centre-point.
I adored being single and having my own life just for me so if anything it’s more of an adjustment and occasionally a struggle than a honeymoon. But it just feels right.

Thank you all so much for your replies. They have helped.

Erinath · 17 April 2019 at 12:49PM

At 23 I met the person I thought I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Within 5 months we were engaged, 6 months after that we married. Looking back, I wish I had taken it slower & got to know him more before we married. I should have realised him really pressuring me to marry him so soon after getting together was unusual. Looking back, we were both really messed up & depressed, therefore looking for something positive we could build together to get ourselves out of that.

Having said all of that, it has worked out between us & next year will be our 20th anniversary. I feel I am lucky that it worked out though, as we both made a rash decision about something incredibly important. We even advise our kids that it was not a wise decision we made & that it took a great deal of work at times to keep things going. Don't get me wrong, I'm still glad I married him, I actually love him far more now than I did then (and that's really saying something). With age & maturity, I just realise I really should have waited longer before getting married.

Claddagh_Noir · 17 April 2019 at 3:42PM

Gavin83 wrote: »

I've never really understood how a couple can be together a decade and then get divorced after 6 months. You'd think they'd know each other by that point.

I have seen and noticed so many cases of couples being together for donkeys years, they then make things official by getting married and then within a year or two, split up with or without children. Maybe it is the pressure of being married because it is an official status, marriage can change some people.

Maybe one party wants to get the joint bank account and the other doesn't or one wants to sell the house and buy one together as a married couple and the other party doesn't. Maybe one of them nagged and hen-pecked the other to get married to make things 'right' and then the cracks began to show afterwards because it was not a mutual agreement. One party will probably say 'right, you cannot hang out with your single mates anymore, we are going to go out with other married couples' or 'I thought things were going to be different because we are married now, I thought you would want to stay at home and have more nights in with me!'

The couple have done things like this prior to marriage, so why change now? Chances are, the scenarios I mentioned would more than likely happen if these changes were not discussed before the entering into the marriage.

Having said that, you can be with someone for less than 5 years get hitched and it lasts forever. Or you can be with someone for 20 odd years, get hitched and it will still last.

OP... if you believe you are going to be together forever, why rush? Savour every moment. Don't rush everything to the point there are no more relationship milestones to look forward to.

At the moment YOU ARE in the honeymoon phase. You have only been together a matter of months/weeks. Of course everything is going to be peachy creamy now. See if you are saying this after you have had your first argument or if there is an issue in the relationship that is like an elephant in the room/bone of contention, see how you both address it and communicate about it and then you can really state whether you are both each others soulmates.

It seems that you have not had much of a connection with previous people you have dated and this is the only guy thus far that you have found a spark with and you are getting carried away and swept away with the romantacism of it all. Nothing wrong with that, but do not lose your head over it.

You do not truly know somoene until you spend a considerable amount of time with them and more importantly, cohabitate with them.

LoisGriffin · 18 April 2019 at 6:44AM

I don’t really feel carried away. I just feel like this-is-it for me.
I’m not really a fan of cohabitating for a long time. It feels like seeing how it goes or like you are waiting for something - when I would rather just commit. I’m probably a bit old fashioned but I view living together as second best.

Obviously relationships are hard and it won’t be easy but I don’t feel like I am being rushed or rushing myself.

The world is teaching us we have to live together before you know anybody - but what if you can know somebody well enough to know that it will work because you will make it work.

We don’t live close to each other so can only see each other via 30 minute train journey which is too far. See each other most weekends and talk nearly every day but I would love for us to be able to spend more time together and be a family.

I also think sometimes people struggling in the world can find each other and be a comfort to each other and think that is a good thing. It’s not all hearts and flower and romance - it’s more talking and listening and supporting each other.

sheepy21 · 18 April 2019 at 10:16PM

I met my husband at 17 and knew he was the one right off the bat. However, we didn’t jump straight in with a shotgun wedding! It takes years to get to truly know someone and no matter how strong your feelings, I’d personally never condone getting married quickly.
We got engaged after 2yrs and then we married 3.5yrs after that. We’re about to celebrate our 6th wedding anniversary. Even after over a decade together, my husband still surprises me and we still learn about each other. My dad always used to say to me “marry in haste, repent at leisure”, an adage I’m inclined to agree with.
So for what it’s worth, no you’re not crazy to be in love and feel they’re the one for you, but you would be crazy to get married so soon

How soon is too soon

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