I WILL get there!!

Hi everybody,

Sorry for the absence I have been keeping up my PADding and debt busting, but I've kept away from regular posting so I could have some time to deal with what was going on.

His parents were staying with us while most of the bad stuff was going on so it became very difficult to be ok and put on a brave face about how we were feeling, and we both ended up breaking down to them. They took us separately to one side and were amazing. So supportive of whatever I wanted, they understood where I was coming from and listened to my reasoning. I'm very lucky to have had such fantastic people around at such a tumultuous time. They were also a godsend for him, they aren't a particularly close family but what they think and feel means more to him than he lets on (or even knows, I suspect). I can't believe it was nearly a month ago, it seems forever already.

We have carried on with relate counselling, and spoke separately to his parents, mine and my grandparents and I had some very difficult time with a friend who is just what I need a lot of the time, but I don't know it until afterwards...
The counsellor was very direct with me and said I catastrophise situations, and try to make everything perfect when it can't be while I'm still trying to get my head around things. Equally, he doesn't put enough thought into how things might make me feel and the consequences of actions.

We are VERY slowly working through things and I am happier than I have been in a long time. I hate that we got to that point, but it does seem to have made us both realise what we are losing. We seem to be working on keeping each other happy as well as ourselves rather than focusing on our own happiness at the detriment of the relationship as a whole.
I haven't even looked at his phone since 'that day' and don't feel any need to. I feel secure in what we have in a way that I hadn't for a long time.

I feel a little silly saying all this when you all know what has gone on, and I probably can't explain the difference in me for the past few weeks, but I feel like a different person. Stronger and more capable of dealing with things, yet completely content in letting him help me.

We are tentatively discussing the future and while we aren't making any concrete plans, it feels nice to have some shared goals again. His friend is still staying at the house, but is paying and helping around the house which I was starting to think would never happen.

Thank you all so much for your support, lovely messages and posts. I realise some people will think I'm crazy, and if I was on the outside looking in I would probably feel the same but I'm really, really happy. Only time will tell if the future holds what I hope it does, but at the moment I'm focusing on, and enjoying. the here and now rather than second guessing everything else.

I'm on the waiting list for some counselling for myself too, I think it's vital that I get to talk openly about my fears, concerns, and general stuff that I am scared to say out loud to people who know me.

ABA - What you said about life being more than numbers on a spreadsheet really hit home for me, I feel like I forgot this for a while. I have no intention of letting my debt spiral, but paying it off a little slower and taking care of myself mentally is top priority at the moment.

Thank you so much to everyone - who have been so supportive and reassuring, It's lovely to have a little escape in the form of this diary where I can put down my most random ramblings without being worried about what people will think.

K xx

So still no sign of any of the new arrivals, lazy little tinkers Friend has her sweep today, and little sis has hers booked for next Weds (actual due date) so hopefully it won't be tooooo much longer. The anticipation is killing me!

I'm cracking on with eBay, COS, Onepoll and yougov as much as possible to try and make some extra monies in anticipation of my operation. I would LOVE to pay it off the CCs but I am trying to be sensible.
I have allowed myself a little treat in that I can still pay any cashback to the CCs, so I'm not feeling like nothing will go down without minimum payments and by budgeted PADs (will also admit to raiding OHs coin stash to try and fill my silver tin so I can crack it open and make an overpayment, undecided what to as of yet!)
Also, anything I underspend on gets paid straight off a CC. I am getting there. Slowly but surely!

I'm cracking on with xmas shopping too. Have got my god daughter sorted and a few friends - doing well at sticking to budgets this year and getting lots of bargains

Cheered up by the thought that I will be under 9K by the end of August without extra PADs from underspends and TCB which has house insurance due to payout in the next few weeks

Thank Tink. The old me would have rebelled at the thought of buying presents this early, but the new me knows it's the best way.

Your DDs birthday plans sound amazing - I'm sure you'll both have a fabulous time!

It's getting there, and I've been naughty - made some money on ebay which was supposed to be my operation fund, but have paid it off a CC I just can't stand the thought that the money is sitting there whilst I could be closer to my debt free future.

Have some exciting plans coming over the next few months - more on that later but I need to be debt free more than ever (before anyone thinks I've managed my ultimate goal, it is unfortunately nothing to do with having a family, but will get me closer to doing so).

Still no sign of the imminent and overdue babies....short of inducing them myself I'm out of ideas - I've given them yoga balls to roll on and encouraged the only two other things which work for bringing on labour - the midwifery training I did 10 years ago is still in there somewhere

K x