Here we can all be heard for a little while. Part 3

System · 16 January 2019 at 10:27PM

I'm taking a bit of a break from the forums (and social media-i havent posted for a week on facebook and feel quite liberated

)

To summarise, 2 weeks agoi had a 4hr long panic attack that led to me spending an hour n the walk in center (massive thanks to the staff as they were so kind and understanding), saw doctor, ant depressend has been decreased, don;t feel as manic now...its more a manageable hypomania, if this doesn't work they might be adding another medication, no idea of any of that has sped up my mental health assessment but got a letter saying i was on the waiting list. Hopefully it comes through soon.

I've realised (especially when im up) that i struggle with communication and boundaries and often say more about myself than i should online. It might partly be paranoia but i feel i need to scale it back a bit and take back some anonymity.

I'll keeo checking in on you guys, but if im not posting this is why.

jobbingmusician · 16 January 2019 at 10:30PM

Well done MU, and welcome to the land of hummingbirds. Sounds like that is the right decision for you at the moment.

And congratulations - a four hour panic attack must be horrendous, but it sounds as if you were able to use appropriate help very well, and come out the other side. Hopefully your meds will help stablise soon and life will improve xxx

Waves_and_Smiles · 17 January 2019 at 5:20PM

Take care, MU. I will be thinking of you, you know where we are if you need us. xx

calleyw · 18 January 2019 at 11:15AM

Morning My lovelies,

Hugs and squishes and handshakes all round.

Not been around much due to having a stinking cold. On the tail end but its still throwing in the odd surprise such as dizziness now. And stairs are my nemesis now. I know I am unfit but walking upstairs is puffing me out

MU I think that social media is really bad for MH. People touting a perfect life. yeah pull the other one.

After blocking on my phone the knob who messed up my MH has tracked down my face book profile:mad: And sent me a friends request. This man must be beyond stupid!!!!! I have declined and blocked him so my profile should no longer be able to be seen by him. He is the cause of 80% of my MH issues. Why oh why would I let him back in my life. I last saw him in may 2016!!!!!

My biggest worry is that he will turn up on the door step. So from now on when someone knocks on the door I will look out the up stairs bedroom window to see who it is. And decide if to to answer it.

Everyone take care

Yours

Calley x

Amberkitten5 · 23 January 2019 at 12:12AM

((((((Torry Quine))))))

System · 23 January 2019 at 10:50PM

Ok i know i said i was taking a break, but i had a letter come through and my MH assessment is on 4th feb. I'm bricking it. I'm scared of the fact that they may just turn around and say they can't help me. I've been fighting for 5 years for this and now its happening i'm scared

I feel like i do need more help, i think i need a psych to deal with the medication side and a cpn to deal with my episodes. But i know mh services are stretched to breaking point and i may not be "severe" enough, but i feel my bipolar is getting worse, my episode are getting more severe and more frequent (last yeah i was "stable" for a grand total of 6 weeks), and my anxiety has never been treated and thats becoming more of an issue. I've long suspected my bipolar is rapid cycling (due to the fact most people only have about 4 episodes A YEAR) but never been asssessed for that.

Sorry im rambeling (still up

) but i figured if anyone would understand its you guys here.

calleyw · 23 January 2019 at 11:45PM

MU, massive hugs.

Of course you are worried who would not be. Try not worry about if you are sick enough. They must think you need help as they would not have offered you the appointment.

Does writing down all your worries help?

Might be an idea to write down what has been happening over the last 6 months to a year. You can take it with you so you can show them what issues you have been having.

Again another massive hug

Yours

Calley x

System · 24 January 2019 at 1:44AM

Thanks Calley

i've been keeping a record of my moods since last june (long story short i have a twitter thats just for me and i can see my moods/state of mind from what ive posted) so if i take that it may help

currently hypomanic...but i;ve tried to challenge it to good, ive been doetig the past 2 weeks and lost 5lbs and im startimg a zumba class next week. still on a break from social media

Stoke · 24 January 2019 at 12:23PM

This is quite a heavy post, so apologies in advance.

Last week, my nut doctor (as I like to call her) told me that we could stop seeing each other once a fortnight (it used to be once a week) and go to once a month. I was so proud. She told me I had come so far, I had a real control over my thoughts and actions and she knew I was getting there.

Today, I am going to see her tonight. In the space of 5 days, my life has fallen apart and once again, I feel as though this weird sentient 'karma' is punishing me. Almost like some deity is out destroying my life, piece by piece. I don't hurt anyone. I don't steal or punch people on nights out. I don't rape or gamble old ladies pensions away. I just want to try to live my boring and incredibly unfulfilling life in peace. I'm 28, yet I want to see out my days alone. I would quite happily walk into the light, right now. I live in fear, constant fear. I fear life itself. I hadn't for a very long time because I started to wonder if it was all a case of just bad luck, but this goes beyond that. This felt so contrived that there's no other way than to truly believe there is something out there that is punishing me. I don't know why.

I believe it has all come to this..... and if it goes one way, it will probably be the end for me. I walked out to my garage looking for a tow rope about 6 months ago, unfortunately (at the time) my dad had borrowed it. I slowly lifted myself back up and I'd not considered anything suicidal since.

This is different, if this goes one way, I will finally feel that life has given me the sign that I need to live it to the fullest. Don't be afraid to say hello to that person you like but are too scared to speak to me. Put yourself out there, try and enjoy life, appreciate what you have and be grateful for what you've been given. Don't take things for granted. It'll actually be a lesson.

If it goes the other way, it will be the end. My life will come crashing down before my eyes. I will most likely lose everything. That's not a lesson, that's a punishment.... for hurting nobody. A further punishment..... for hurting nobody. Do you know what my father said the other day? "You know, it could be worse, you could have cancer". Is that where my life has got to? It's so bad that I should be grateful because while my life is almost on the floor and I've decided "!!!! it, why bother" and I contemplate ending it, I shouldn't because at least I don't have an illness that would potentially kill me? I might as well go and grab some spice from dealers up in Manchester and knock about in a shop front door.... at least I don't have cancer.

Do you know what I did last night? I've not done this since I was probably 10 years old.... I pretty much lost my faith after watching little children die on the news during Kosovo war in the nineties. I was only a child but I couldn't understand why 'God' would allow children to be harmed. I prayed last night..... A 28 year old, on his knees, by his bed, praying. I actually apologised for not 'speaking to him' for a long time and I prayed. Essentially, my life currently sits in whatever is punishing me's hands.

At the end of the day, I'm currently on the ground..... my life is rock bottom again, except whereas 6 months ago it felt like rock bottom, THIS IS ROCK BOTTOM. If it goes one way, it will lift me off the ground and potentially change my life, it'll make me into a much better and happier person, a lesson to hold onto. If it goes the other way? It'll probably finally put me below the ground, perhaps where this was all heading to.

Dark days. Very dark days for me right now. I think I will continue to pray. I have nothing else. An engineer, a guy who believes in science, logic, reason, begging something that potentially doesn't exist to spare his life.

heartbreak_star · 24 January 2019 at 12:38PM

Stoke. Please call a crisis team, NOW. Or an ambulance.

I have no idea what else to say, but we care. Please don't do this.

HBS x

Here we can all be heard for a little while. Part 3

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