Too many holidays?

dcouponzzzz wrote: »

I've said the same things I have in this post to her a number of time but her response is that she wants to enjoy her life while she's young and before she can't because of having kids in future or not having enough money. I do have enough money to do this, just not enough for everything else as well!

Do you, perhaps, have to accept that you currently want different things?

She should understand and be accepting if you say no sometimes. I spend a lot of my time looking at holidays on Secret Escapes very wistfully, but my OH does not prioritise holidays whatsoever. The solution? We look at what we can do with our money, or what we want to achieve together during the year, and come to an agreement that makes us both happy.

If a holiday was more important than home improvements to you right now, I'd tell you to go on holiday. But if home improvements are a higher priority to you because you've already had your holiday fill, then sort those out. Seems simple to me. I'd just get them started and then say "oh, this probably means one big holiday this year/ a couple of mini breaks at a maximum" and carry on living your life...

If she doesn't understand why, maybe ask her why she's still living with her parents? Probably because it's a lot easier financially, right? Leaving more spare cash around for lots of holidays during the year...? Ta-dah!

Different people prioritise different things. As a partnership, you compromise.

dcouponzzzz wrote: »

I'd love for her to do this, but her friends aren't in the financial position to do so, with most of them pregnant/engaged/with children!

dcouponzzzz wrote: »

I've said the same things I have in this post to her a number of time but her response is that she wants to enjoy her life while she's young and before she can't because of having kids in future or not having enough money.

I do have enough money to do this, just not enough for everything else as well!

You've already gone past the stage that she's stuck in and so have her friends. She's only able to be so extravagant with holidays because she's being subbed by her parents covering most of her living costs.

Options -
the two of you learn to compromise and split the spending between home and holidays;
she really wants you to go with her so she pays for you;
she finds some new friends to go on holiday with;
you give in to her every wish and put all your plans on hold.

There is always the argument that says, at the end of your life, you're going to look back on the memories you made on these holidays and smile. You're not going to be sat in your nursing home saying to your other half "oooh, remember that time when we overpaid the mortgage..." or "How about the fun we had choosing the new fridge-freezer"

I'm all for having an emergency pot and making small overpayments to shorten the mortgage life, but not at the expense of enjoying life and building memories.

A compromise will have to be found if this relationship is going to work. I can't see her dropping from 8 holidays to one a year, but if she agrees on perhaps 4 holidays a year and she starts a savings pot with what she would have spent on the rest and if you agree to overpay your mortgage a little less and make those 4 holidays memorable then a middle ground can be found.

I think you are fine to say to her "that sounds great, but I can't afford it - if you decide to go, have a great time and I'll look forward to hearing all about it" or
"that sounds great, but I can't afford it, so unless you're pffering to pay for me, I won't be able to go. But have a great time and I'll look forward to hearing all about it"

I also think that longer term it would be worth trying to reach a compromise - talk to her to explain that because of your mortgage and other commitments you don't have much in the way of disposable income so really can't afford these holidays.

I think however that it would be reasonable to have some compromises - for instance, to start putting some money aside for holidays / leisure, and then plan with her where you go when you go together.

the type of holiday is a separate issue - your comment about 'real experiences' grates on me a little. An experience is real if you are experiencing it rather than watching someone else. Visiting Mayan temples is no more (or less) a 'real experience' than visiting (say) the Parthenon , or the Giants Causeway.Of course it is fine for you to have different tastes as to what your first choice of holiday would be, but you may find that the conversation goes better if you don't imply that your tastes are somehow superior.

And there are lots of things you can o as a couple which allow you to compromise - Patara in Turkey, for instance, has some amazing ruins right next to a beautiful beach, there are lots of places in the Greek Islands where you can combine beaches with more active / adventurous / cultural pursuits, and so on.

Of course it is absolutely fine to say "It's my dream to visit Machu Piccu - I'm saving up to be able to to that but it costs around £xxxx so it's basically 3 years worth of holidays in one go" but it's worth considering a bit of flexibility. For instance, if you decide that it will take you 3 years 9 or 4 , or 5) to save up for *your* dream holiday,think about whether you would be willing to wait 5, or 6 or 7 years for it and use some of the money you would otherwise have saved to go on other holidays with your partner in the mean time.

Successful relationships involve both parties being willing to compromise sometimes.

You mention saving up for your luxuries. What are those? Do you think of time with your partner as a luxury? If so, you might find it helpful to frame it to yourself not as spending lots of money on holidays which are not your ideal but as spending money to spend time with your partner

Equally, it is reasonable for your partner to compromise and to accept that you are not able to go on as many holidays as she does, and that the type of holiday she enjoys are not all to your taste, so when you do go away together you won't be ding all of the same things she might do when she goes alone.

If you feel pressured to spend money (even just on yourself) that you don't want to spend, or don't want to spend in that way, then that isn't a good sign - it's a recipe for building resentment.
But talking to her and working out a middle ground where you can both be happy (which may involve her also going away on holidays by herself or with others) is reasonable.