Cutting ties with a sibling

katie_saver · 9 August 2018 at 2:12PM

Hello OP,

I couldn't not reply as I am in the exact same position although it has improved slightly now that my brother finally has a place to live...it will be easier for me to move on and distance myself from him...

My brother moved in with me at the end of February – he had been evicted due to not paying his rent. He has mental health issues. He has depression and is on medication for this (although I think he has not taken his medication regularly). He has also been suicidal. He has always drank a lot – every night and sometimes from morning until he passes out in the evening.

Living with him has been very difficult and on several occasions he has become violent and abusive to me. I have called the police twice now. The last time, after he had been drinking heavily and woke me up shouting and screaming. They arrested him and he spent the night in custody. They released him without charge due to lack of evidence and it being his word against mine.
This seems to have shaken some sense into him.
I only have my father left and he is ageing and not well. The idea of having no family scares me too.
HOWEVER, being alone is better than being in a terrible relationship. Also, being alone does not necessarily mean you are lonely.
I can't wait to have my flat back!!
Be strong. Wishing you all the best xxx

PasturesNew · 9 August 2018 at 2:20PM

You can agree to look out for him, just to give mum peace of mind. It won't hurt you to have that small white lie for her peace.

What you actually do after is entirely your business.

little_pigeon · 9 August 2018 at 4:20PM

paddy's_mum wrote: »

Your mother is forgetting one vital thing here...and it's all the out you need.

YOU are not his mother and therefore the buck stops with him!

As an added thought - don't be surprised if she leaves all or most of her estate to him in her will. A woman who is :-

1.effectively enabling him

2.putting enormous pressure on you to continue to mollycoddle him

3.thinks so little of you that she 'shouts' down your refusal/protest

4. conceals the reality (instead of urging him to seek help)

is not going to change her behaviour just because a little thing like death intervenes.

My mother, sisters and I cut a relative out of our lives twenty years ago and the only feeling all of us had, and still have, is relief that our lives are now peaceful without that malignancy in them.

You are not in the wrong here and your mother should realise that she is asking far too much. Good luck.

I totally agree that he needs to look after himself and that my mum is being unreasonable with her requests.

I think she just doesn't want to admit that he has problems. This is probably due to to the fact he doesn't want to admit to them or address them, that it triggers him and the fact she may see it as a failing on her part as a mother which would be completely unfair. She also had issues with her own family which I think has resulted in wanting us to stick together no matter what.

Although I have no say in her day to day spending my mum is responsible enough to ensure that we are both looked after. He has also been made aware of the decisions she has made in regards to this and has accepted her wishes.

little_pigeon · 9 August 2018 at 4:26PM

TBagpuss wrote: »

Also - I don't think that you have any moral obligation to keep a promise which is made under duress, so if your mum does succeed in pressuring you into to giving the kind of promise that she wants,remind yourself that the purpose of the promise was to give comfort to your mum, who you o care about, and you are still free to decide for yourself what, if any, support or relationship you have with your brother after she is gone.

I think it's the guilt I'll put on myself even with the knowledge of what he has done and is doing. I need to ensure I look after myself and don't get dragged down with his issues.

He also suffers from a couple of medical conditions, not related to his addictions, but one of them will definitely impact his quality of life as he gets older. If he and his his girlfriend break up I can see this being added to why I should be looking after him. So although I don't like her I pray that they stay together!

little_pigeon · 9 August 2018 at 4:43PM

Thank you everyone for sharing your experiences and your words of advice! I'm sorry to hear that some of you have been or are going through similar things and the impact it has had on you and your families. It does take it toll. My mum and I have tiptoed around him because it is sometimes easier to do that than to deal with him and his temper. He has so much rage which he refuses to deal with.

I will continue having conversations with my mum so that she understands what she is actually asking of me and the pressure and obligation this puts me under. My brother is a high functioning addict but there will come a point this will change. I don't think my mum takes that into consideration.

little_pigeon · 9 August 2018 at 4:51PM

katie_saver wrote: »

Hello OP,

I couldn't not reply as I am in the exact same position although it has improved slightly now that my brother finally has a place to live...it will be easier for me to move on and distance myself from him...

My brother moved in with me at the end of February – he had been evicted due to not paying his rent. He has mental health issues. He has depression and is on medication for this (although I think he has not taken his medication regularly). He has also been suicidal. He has always drank a lot – every night and sometimes from morning until he passes out in the evening.

Living with him has been very difficult and on several occasions he has become violent and abusive to me. I have called the police twice now. The last time, after he had been drinking heavily and woke me up shouting and screaming. They arrested him and he spent the night in custody. They released him without charge due to lack of evidence and it being his word against mine.
This seems to have shaken some sense into him.
I only have my father left and he is ageing and not well. The idea of having no family scares me too.
HOWEVER, being alone is better than being in a terrible relationship. Also, being alone does not necessarily mean you are lonely.
I can't wait to have my flat back!!
Be strong. Wishing you all the best xxx

Thank you for sharing what you have been going through Katie_saver. I can't imagine how hard it must have been to have your brother staying with you with all his issues. I'm so pleased to hear that he now has his own place and you will be able to move on with your life. It is scary to think of yourslef as being on your own though regardless of what they have done. I try to think back to when times were better but that isn't enough these days.

Wishing you all the best too. Onwards and upwards! xx

theoretica · 9 August 2018 at 6:06PM

In my family we have contact between siblings limited to Christmas cards and occasional emails (on family deaths, some births). Seems to work.

Primrose · 9 August 2018 at 6:25PM

You don't say what age your mum is although you do mention she,s developing health problems. Now might be a good time, if she hasn,t already addressed these issues, for her to start thinking about making a will and appointing powers of attorney so that she has somebody RELIABLE AND TRUSTWORTHY to look after her financial affairs should she be unable to do so herself.

This is something on which she needs to ponder deeply, given your brother's unreliability. Many parents might appoint both children as their attorneys. This would clearly be a risk for your mother, given your brother's issues. However, you may want to get her seriously thinking about how her affairs are handled in the future, and by whom. Unexpected health issues can happen at any time and trying to deal with them jointly with a sibling who is not to be trusted and who has ongoing money and other problems is not an issue to be taken lightly.

happyandcontented · 9 August 2018 at 6:58PM

Pollycat wrote: »

Why shouldn't the OP say this?

The OP's Mum is trying to coerce her into agreeing to look out for him - why should the OP be put under this unwanted pressure? Be made to feel guilty for saying 'no'.

It's how she feels anyway - she says she couldn't care less about him.

It might give the OP's Mum pause about her own enabling behaviour towards this man.

Personally, I'd rather be blunt and tell my Mum the truth than lie to her face and do the opposite when she's not here anymore.

Perhaps because she knows how much this would hurt her mum? I am sure her mother is not stupid, she will be able to see that they will never be bosom buddies, but I suspect most mothers would want to think that their children would be there for each other after they have gone. I know I do.

What is there to gain by upsetting her mum by spelling out issues that she will never see? Far better and kinder to follow what the poster you responded to suggested - a play on words that allows the OP to act as she sees fit in the future.

Pollycat · 9 August 2018 at 8:15PM

happyandcontented wrote: »

Perhaps because she knows how much this would hurt her mum? I am sure her mother is not stupid, she will be able to see that they will never be bosom buddies, but I suspect most mothers would want to think that their children would be there for each other after they have gone. I know I do.

I believe in being true to myself.
I don't 'do' coercion or guilt-tripping.
My own Mum would never interfere between me and my estranged sister by asking me to look out for her.
She knows full well what my sister is like and wouldn't want us 'to be there for each other' because she knows it's not what either of us would want

happyandcontented wrote: »

What is there to gain by upsetting her mum by spelling out issues that she will never see? Far better and kinder to follow what the poster you responded to suggested - a play on words that allows the OP to act as she sees fit in the future.

I could not under any circumstances mislead someone in the way the poster I responded to suggests.
Better or kinder play on words or not - to me that's dishonest and I could not do that to my Mum

Cutting ties with a sibling

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