Considering separation from Disabled partner

thepurplepixie · 8 October 2017 at 5:42PM

Gavin83 wrote: »

I'd be curious what the justification was for this as I'd imagine situations where the wife gets everything and the husband gets nothing (which is what this basically is) are extremely rare. Genuinely surprised he didn't fight this a little more.

I don't know exactly what the reasons were but I assume as she couldn't work that was part of it. Maybe the judge just thought he was a selfish !!!!!!! and wanted to punish him. He did fight but in the end his solicitor told him that in view of his wife's condition and his earning potential, he did have a well paid job, he wasn't going to win. Mind you the same solicitor didn't think he would lose everything in the first place. Everyone was gobsmacked as you sort of think 50/50 is normal.

Just to show what he was like he took early retirement so she got less pension than expected. I think it's called cutting off your nose to spite your face.

thepurplepixie · 8 October 2017 at 5:44PM

Pollycat wrote: »

After what you've written in that letter, if your feelings really are as you say they are, do your partner a massive favour and leave her.
I'm certain she would be devastated to find out how you see your life with her.

I agree from the partner's point of view but what about the children?

sleepymans · 8 October 2017 at 5:44PM

Two innocent young kiddies brought, knowingly, into this situation........!!!!!! take responsibility!!

thepurplepixie · 8 October 2017 at 5:46PM

Westminster wrote: »

It must be very comforting for so many people to live carefree lives free from all doubt and with fantastic hindsight premonition for what the future holds.

As stated (in my admittedly long and rambling posts) I fully expect (if I do go through with this) to financially support my wife (probably for the rest of her life) and my children. I couldn’t really care less about my share of the house - money is not a problem we have thankfully. Although I would gladly give up the money and return to poverty if it would cure all our problems.

Knowing a few people who have split with children I can only hope to retain an adult line of communication as it is those who have done so that seem to have the best outcome.

Unfortunately for me the love left several years ago although caring is not a job you do for glory or riches and as stated there is still a level of affection here but also great sadness.

Hopefully those that instantly jump to conclusions don’t find themselves in a similarly difficult position as you will find it tests you very greatly.

Have you seriously thought about what sort of life your children will have? By the way don't make assumptions, plenty of us have been carers for longer than you.

Westminster · 8 October 2017 at 5:56PM

Torry_Quine wrote: »

Many who have replied did so because they have experience of disability changing a relationship, myself included. Yes it tests a relationship but that doesn't excuse the way you have expressed things.

With a diagnosis of MS it was always a possibility that she would become totally dependent on others, thankfully you are well off, others have no choice but to do much of the care themselves.

I do hope you get this sorted for all concerned.

Many people have experience of many things but that doesn’t automatically imply expertise in everyone else’s situation gleaned from speed-reading / selectively reading posts on an Internet forum.

Taking offence on behalf of others is one of the things to be expected but for all of you this is all purely theoretical as it doesn’t directly impact those reading so not sure why people rush to get offended and to insult someone else.

One of the good things about the Internet is it grants a certain anonymity that allows people to express some of what they actually think that they may not verbalise in a face to face situation.

I don’t feel my thoughts require ‘excusing’ - particularly as they are just that at this stage - my thoughts and not my actions.

I have not concluded a course of action but I am finding this a useful process to clarify my thought process and to see things from several other perspectives. So thanks for all the input.

I have decided against directly replying to all posts as it would take a long time and the vast majority (particularly the initial replies) were from this jumping in with both feet without taking time to clarify any of the numerous gaps - for example my children will not be caring for their mother any more or less than they do now (such as picking up things she may have dropped etc).

The children have previously been cared for in the home by agency provided live-in carers who were there for my wife while I was away with work.

IAmWales · 8 October 2017 at 6:22PM

Westminster wrote: »

Many people have experience of many things but that doesn’t automatically imply expertise in everyone else’s situation gleaned from speed-reading / selectively reading posts on an Internet forum.

Taking offence on behalf of others is one of the things to be expected but for all of you this is all purely theoretical as it doesn’t directly impact those reading so not sure why people rush to get offended and to insult someone else.

One of the good things about the Internet is it grants a certain anonymity that allows people to express some of what they actually think that they may not verbalise in a face to face situation.

I don’t feel my thoughts require ‘excusing’ - particularly as they are just that at this stage - my thoughts and not my actions.

I have not concluded a course of action but I am finding this a useful process to clarify my thought process and to see things from several other perspectives. So thanks for all the input.

I have decided against directly replying to all posts as it would take a long time and the vast majority (particularly the initial replies) were from this jumping in with both feet without taking time to clarify any of the numerous gaps - for example my children will not be caring for their mother any more or less than they do now (such as picking up things she may have dropped etc).

The children have previously been cared for in the home by agency provided live-in carers who were there for my wife while I was away with work.

You claim to be taking on board what people are saying, but in the next breath suggest people do not understand, are taking offence on behalf of others, are jumping in without clarifying their understanding.

We understand you all too well. I have no doubt that if people in "real life" knew your thoughts they would be equally disgusted. I'd be far more blunt to your face.

If you are ill, please see a doctor. It's the only explanation I can think of for you being so entirely lacking in feeling.

Torry_Quine · 8 October 2017 at 6:25PM

IAmWales wrote: »

You claim to be taking on board what people are saying, but in the next breath suggest people do not understand, are taking offence on behalf of others, are jumping in without clarifying their understanding.

We understand you all too well. I have no doubt that if people in "real life" knew your thoughts they would be equally disgusted. I'd be far more blunt to your face.

If you are ill, please see a doctor. It's the only explanation I can think of for you being so entirely lacking in feeling.

I can only imagine they expected a different reaction.

FBaby · 8 October 2017 at 6:38PM

Well you came here for advice and decided not to send the letter, so I you did the right thing posting.

Is there anyone in real life you could speak with, someone who would not just tell you what you want to hear, but also know enough about you and you wife to give you more personal advice?

Whatever you do, take your time. The issue seems to be that you have fallen out of love with your wife. Have you identified exactly why that is? Most spouses of disabled people find it hard, but many still love their partner, which is why they are staying with them, so there's got to be something else. I think it is important to separate your issues with love from your issues with being a carer.

As you've said, no-one can predict the future and for all you know, after the shock and hurt, your wife might accept the decision and who knows, maybe might be relieved too. Maybe being married to you is not great either and maybe she feels she has no choice because of her disability. Maybe you'll be better friends to each other than spouse. You just need to remember that each action you take, you need to also consider the impact it will have on her.

Lizabeth21 · 8 October 2017 at 8:04PM

“still a level of affection here but also great sadness”

My suggestion having read every word (carefully) would be to think about what attracted you to each other in the first place and think about it carefully. Talk to your wife too about what attracted you to her and her to you! Communication is really important rather than having all these desperate and possibly extreme thoughts/ramblings. Your wife may surprise you.
I hope you and your family can find some peace moving forward.

happyandcontented · 8 October 2017 at 8:38PM

OP, it seems that the illness is not the sole issue in your marriage, you appear to have stayed longer than you would have if your wife had not been so ill. Is that fair? So, what do you do? Stay out of pity/obligation or go and feel like a heel? Only you can decide that but if you do go your obligation to your wife will still exist via the happiness/lives of your children. For life, all of it.

So, it will come down to throwing money at the care package; Nanny, carer and relief carer, all of them, not just one or two, but all three. You cannot sacrifice your children's childhood for your own happiness. Inevitably, as they grow they may resent you out of loyalty to their mother, you have to be prepared for that. Money to pay for care will not replicate family life and they will miss out, however much you tell yourself differently.

So, given that money is not a problem you have, you do have a way out, to take that route will cost you dearly, probably much more than you realise now, but it does exist. You have more choices than many in your situation, choose wisely for all involved.

Considering separation from Disabled partner

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