can 'space' really help?

gonzo127 wrote: »

just worried she is going to think i am not trying, or wont fight for her or anything like that, basically some of the things she has said about her ex husband was that he never tried to keep her.

so i am feeling as if i am between a rock and a hard place, since she has previously said she wanted her ex husband to fight for her, but also the fact i need to respect her wishes and not smother her.

I'm getting the impression that she is the kind of person who finds it difficult to talk about her feelings and what she really thinks/means. If somebody else left her without 'fighting' that implies that, actually, she wanted to talk but she (for whatever reason) didn't communicate that.

The fact that she's going to counselling, though, means that on some level she does find talking to be helpful.

What happens when the two of you talk? Do you think you make her feel listened to? Do you ask questions? Are your questions too big/vague? When she talks do you actually listen, or do you wait to jump in? When/if she puts herself down are you eager to 'correct' her or do you hear what she has to say? What is your tone of voice like?

Is there anything you can do to make her feel truly listened to? When she says 'smothered' she might mean 'unable to formulate my thoughts and feelings'.

Wait a few days for her to contact you.

Be missed.

gonzo127 wrote: »

just worried she is going to think i am not trying, or wont fight for her or anything like that, basically some of the things she has said about her ex husband was that he never tried to keep her.

so i am feeling as if i am between a rock and a hard place, since she has previously said she wanted her ex husband to fight for her, but also the fact i need to respect her wishes and not smother her.

How about writing to her, the old fashioned way.

Send her a nice card, with a short simple message, just to let her know you're thinking of her. It's then up to her choose when/if she's ready to open it.

Texts, phone calls and emails can put a lot of pressure on her to respond instantly, when may be she isn't ready, letters just don't have the same urgency and are really quite romantic. You'd at least know you'd reached out to her and she'd know you'd not just let her to get on with it.

shiny76 wrote: »

As Mojisola says, it's unfair for her to expect you to wait an unspecified amount of time for her to resolve any issues (she may not know how long she needs but that doesn't help you).

I spent FAR to long 'fighting' for a relationship in the past. It was a waste of effort/emotion/time. But that was my experience, only you can decided what you are willing to put up with (or sacrifice)

gonzo127 wrote: »

just worried she is going to think i am not trying, or wont fight for her or anything like that, basically some of the things she has said about her ex husband was that he never tried to keep her.

As shiny76 says, it's the unspecified time frame that's not fair on you.

When you add to that her wish that you 'don't contact her' but also 'fight for her', she's putting you in an impossible position.

The idea of a card is a good one - perhaps with the message that you won't contact her again for a month but you will be there for her if she wants to reach out to you.

If that hasn't happened during the month, contact her again and ask how she is and whether she sees a future for the two of you.

Sorry Gonzo, it sounds like you've got a lot to deal with at the moment!!

gonzo127 wrote: »

i am struggling with the lack of any certainty, i do not want to lose her, but in some sick sort of way, i would prefer to know its over, so i can morn it and start to rebuild my life. instead of being left dangling not knowing what is happening, or what has happened.

I think that's the part that I would find hardest and I know that she's dealing with a lot of issues, which will take time, but leaving you dangling with no idea of a timescale (even if it's just "we'll talk about this again on ...") is unfair.

gonzo127 wrote: »

i am doing, as i have not had any contact with her since Sunday

I know that with everything that's running through your head that must feel like an eternity but it is only two days.

Counselling can throw up a lot of emotions and she's probably going through a process of re-evaluating her whole life. Trying to make sense of your thoughts and feelings can be a lot easier when you've got space to focus on nobody but yourself. Yes, it's kind of selfish to push you away but she may feel that she can't see the wood for the trees, as it were, while you're around.

Nobody can know whether unraveling her issues is going to lead to realising that what you've got together is fantastic or thinking that she'd be better on her own so all you can do is live your life as best you can in the meantime and let her know that you'll be there when she's ready to talk.

I think that giving her the space she's asked for is a good idea but also work out how long you think is an acceptable time to wait for an answer - don't tell her what you've decided as she's likely to think you're pressuring her even if it's a ridiculously long time - and try to remember that it's only x more days/weeks/months to slog through until you can call it quits and try to move on.