Abusive relationships and moving on!!

Runningfast · 19 November 2019 at 12:27AM

Struggling to move on from an abusive relationship it has been months since we split but the hurt and pain is dragging me down. I’m not sleeping, it’s consuming my thoughts and just making me miserable.

My ex was the most insecure, narcissistic, controlling person I have ever come across. Love bombed me at the start to minimise the bouts of intense jealousy. The signs where there early in the relationship but I ignored them, in-fact when I think of it the signs from before getting in to a relationship with them i.e. their relationships and interactions with others should have sent me running!!

It was all manipulation knock me down, hit me with intense love make me feel like they were sorry and I fell for it day after day, year after year. Attacked my friends, attacked my family made it out that it was my fault and I drove them to that behaviour. I had wars with the closest people in my life due to them. I nearly drove those people who actually cared about me away!! I was mentally and emotionally attached. They cheated, they had one rule for them and another constantly changing set for me!!

Why after months of separation are the emotions feeling like they are strengthening? …feel like I was brainwashed and now emotionally drained after having time to analyse and think through things.

[Deleted User] · 19 November 2019 at 1:34AM

It's a bit like grief.

Sadly some of us just attract the wrong people. As I got rid of another charmer wanting one thing only straight away did not like feeling like a teenager no thanks although I did do something stupid and a little unwise to get rid, I did think about people in abusive relationships.

Be kind to yourself and tell you, you are worth so much more then existing just for someone else. x

TBagpuss · 19 November 2019 at 2:55PM

I thinkthat it does take time - probably at the outset you had a lot of practical things to sort out, and may also have been feeling a lot of relief at having sucessfully left - now, as you are settling in to your new lie, you can start to relax a bit and all the emotions and memories come out.

It will get better. You may find it helpful to talk to a counsellor, of you can access one (are you in contact with any local domestic abuse support systems? If not, you might be able to ask your GP to refer you, and you may find that talking to others who have been through somthing similar, is useful.

also, you've hd a long time of being manipulated and controlled, and you probably internalised some of what was said / done to you, and it is hard work to try to un-do all those years of conditioning, it's tuaral that it would be exhausting and tht sometimes your will slip back into the ways of thinking that he imposed on you.

You might find it helpful to start to consciously remind yourself to think differently - for instnace, leave encouraging post-it notes to yourself round the hosue, take 10 minutes once a day to write down 5 things that are positive about you or that you have achieved - in other words, startr recording and reminding yourself of all the progress you have made and the good things you are now doing and can do.

Be kind to yourself. Think abut how you would support or act towards a close friend who was going through this, and be at least as kind to yourself as you would be to them.

Ask for help. Reach out to the people you love and who love you, even if it it to spenf 10 minutes on the phone, or to meet up for coffee so you have something to lok forward to.

Remind yourself of how amazing you are, what strength it took or you to leave, and that even strong people need to rest and re-charge between challenges.

It will get better.

Think of it like a physical injury. You don't recover and get back into full health instnatly, you need time to recover and gradually get back up to full strgth, andthe longer you have been ill the slower it is. You are recovering, but it will take time, and it probably won't be a smooth slope of effort / improvelment, you will have relapses when you feel you are going backwards, but over all, things will continue to get better.

DigForVictory · 19 November 2019 at 3:40PM

Another voice urging you to be gentle with your recovering self, and that the help of others who have been there can steer you forwards.

Well done on getting out - now please see your GP for possible therapy & possibly help sleeping?

Some of me is suggesting you get a dog - I don't know how your housing or finances feel but the absolute devotion as well as the exercise can do wonders.

Skiddaw1 · 19 November 2019 at 3:48PM

I think it's perfectly understandable that you're having a delayed reaction to it all. It's only when you're outside the situation and there's been some distance from the initial break-up that you can really see the wood for the trees and start to deal with the emotional fall-out.

I agree that some therapy might well be of benefit, as would finding some activities you enjoy (or have always wanted to try) that would have the effect of restoring your self-esteem. Most of all though, give yourself an enormous pat on the back for having walked away from a toxic relationship. It isn't easy to do and you deserve full credit for it. Tell yourself that every time you have a low moment. And here's to a happy future...

Socajam · 19 November 2019 at 3:50PM

I second getting a dog, then both of you can go for walks.
I find walking really help me during difficult times. I talk to myself and it helps.
It's going to take a long time for you to get over this, so in the meantime, you need to start small and try to do something different every day or every week.
It could be going to the movies or sitting in McDonalds eating by yourself - tough, but once you have taken these steps, just keep adding another thing until your confidence builds up.
Another thing you could do is may be join an exercise class, that get you out of the house and the empty feeling of the walls closing in on your - plus its something to look forward to and exercise for me is a life saver because makes me feel really good and helps me to sleep.
If exercise class is too much, do something in the evenings -maybe learning to sew, bake, knitting, or an educational course.
One of the things you are going to have to learn, is how to be alone and making good use of your time.
Finally, you are going to have to learn to love yourself, this was taken away from you. As I said, it's a slow process, but do not enter into any relationship until you learn to love yourself first, have become confident where saying no is part of your vocabulary and being emotionally and financially independent.

K80_Black · 20 November 2019 at 11:13AM

If you contact women's aid, they'll likely be able to signpost you to groups/therapy in your area. They may even run things themselves. They have many support services on a casual basis too, like the phone helpline or email. I've used them in the past and they assured me that they are always willing to help, even after the 'crisis' period is over.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/

(I am not assuming gender, they also provide a specific support line for men, reached at 0808 801 0327)

badmemory · 20 November 2019 at 12:40PM

I was once told that it takes at least a month for every year of a relationship to get over it & the more "difficult" the relationship was the longer it took. So be gentle with yourself!

Around here we have a mental health phone line that you can self refer yourself to & you don't even have to go through your GP. It just gives you someone to talk to about how you are feeling & they might make suggestions as the people on here have. Do you have anything like that where you live?

74jax · 20 November 2019 at 1:43PM

badmemory wrote: »

I was once told that it takes at least a month for every year of a relationship to get over it & the more "difficult" the relationship was the longer it took. So be gentle with yourself!

I was just going to post this too.

My relationship was around 2 years with an 18 month court case dragging on after it. I think it was maybe 2 years after that I started to feel safe and that he wouldn't text out of the blue.

I'm now 15 years on and occasionally still get freaked. Still can't watch sleeping with the enemy and still hate a certain accent. But it does get easier.

goodwithsaving · 20 November 2019 at 8:24PM

3 years on and I'm only just ready to start dating, although the idea of it terrifies me slightly due to fear of picking 'the wrong one' again and I am very shut off as a result. I still suffer low self esteem, although extensive counselling has helped. I now think, 'actually any guy would be fortunate to benefit from what I would bring to the table'.

Don't force it. Learn to take pleasure in the smallest things such as coffee out, long walks and just learn to love yourself and be on your own again. Take yourself off for a week and realise how much better is without such a negative force in your life. Being manipulated, used for someones naccisitic agenda and being made to feel inferior takes time to get over. But you will, in time

eamon · 20 November 2019 at 8:48PM

You may have a form of PTSD. Certainly well worth seeking out & getting some professional help to assist with working through your emotions, feelings etc. You don't need to be working through all this on your own.

Abusive relationships and moving on!!

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