Want a divorce, afraid it might bankrupt me.

MPE-J · 14 January 2019 at 11:05AM

I don’t quite know where to begin on a long and complicated tale of marital woe, suffice to say that I would like to air my story in the hope that the collective might scrutinise it and offer advice on what I should do and what I have missed.

I am currently separated after a ten year marriage and two children and want to divorce ASAP but am somewhat financially challenged. I don’t want to make decisions that I’ll regret due to the fact that finances dictated I make those decisions at the time.

I have autism and a number of trauma related mental health issues coming from growing up with parents and in an era where issues that would now be clinically treated were dealt with by physical punishment.

For ten years my wife controlled all our finances.
I am a trained analyst with five years business management experience, at the age of 25 I had cleared all my university debts through self employed work, however very early in into our relationship faced with a choice of either agree to her choices or lose her I acquiesced to her every (bad ) decision.
Her parents had lived their lives on credit and she refused to believe that any other way was natural or achievable.

Highlights include a mortgage that was applied for by her (in the pre crash era) that implied a three month period of overtime on my part was my actual salary, resulting in a mortgage that had a payment rate of £800 pcm when we were both on circa £14K pa, and an overseas wedding where she refused to give me any money for household costs (inc bills) for months as ‘the wedding is more important’ and upon returning from the wedding then revealed she had run up £1000 overdraft that she expected me to contribute to paying off. I’m not too sure at what point exactly she took over all the finances suffice to say that she controlled all the bills and money stating that it was for my benefit that she did it as it would affect my fragile mental health.

To cut an already long story short, i fell into a deep depression alternating with great frustration at seeing my finances destroyed and access to friends, hobbies and generally everything that makes life liveable left unachievable due to my having no access to funds. I had no idea when or what I got paid and felt so hopeless I didn’t know what to do.

Due to the punishing mortgage and the surprise arrival of children (each time she didn’t tell me she had ceased taking birth control) we lived off credit cards for years, shifting from 0% deals whilst taking out new cards and taking it in turns to apply for a card. We were genuinely buying nappies on a credit card within days of pay day every month. I hated this and knew how screwed we were and my mental health got worse and worse.

We put the kids in nursery whilst staying at work in the hope that it would advance our careers enough to pay off the debts at some point.
I worked five days compressed to four with mon off with the kids, she reduced her hours and had Friday off for the same reason.

This gamble did pay off and in Jan 17 I doubled my salary from £25K to £50K.
She had managed similar inching her way up rather than my leap and was mostly the principle earner for the duration of our marriage.

In Feb 17 I moved onto the sofa at her behest as she couldn’t stand living with me due to my mental health issues.

By this point after six years of parenting we had £40K in credit card debts.

I found a fixer upper house on an ex local authority estate round the corner for £90K and I stated that I would like her to buy me out of the previous house (where I was residing on the sofa) so that I might have a deposit for it. I even found her an IFA to get her a mortgage.

She stated she couldn’t get the mortgage unless she reduced her credit card debt so I took out a loan of £6K to clear one of her cards in return I got £9K deposit from her.
I have no idea what the house was valued at (it was £130K in 2009 when we bought it) there was one valuation at which I wasn’t present and a flurry of paperwork passed me to sign so that I would get the deposit to move.

I know this latter part was totally foolish, I have no idea what I signed I was not really fully in control at that point and just desperate to move.

I also agreed to take on a joint consolidation loan that we had previously had together to give her the leeway she needed.

I have no idea what her debts were I just took the cards that were in my name along with the loan(s).

I now pay her £600 pcm maintenance and pay out over £900 pcm in loan and credit card repayments dating to the last ten years.
Factoring in household bills and my current mortgage as well as the above which all go out the day after pay day, I am left with £400 pcm to buy food, travel general life expenses etc.

In the next two years I hope to sell the ‘fixer upper’ having fixed it up and clear a lot if not all of the debt I have.

I have the kids tues night and Friday night (drop them back Saturday afternoon) but I have them for breakfast and take them to school mon & thurs as well as weds after they’ve stayed over.

She believes maintenance to be a base sum in to which she is then entitled to ask for extras that I’m obligated to pay for such as birthday parties, school trips, school lunches etc.

Fundamentally what I need to establish is if I try to get divorced am I likely to be worse off?

Does the fact that my salary disappears into a financial chasm left over from the marriage every month count for anything?

Am I likely to be able to get a reduction in maintenance in light of the time spent with the kids?

How can I even afford a divorce?

Should I sell the house after the divorce? Would she be entitled to any money I would make from it?

All I want to do is fill in the debt chasm and move on.

Comms69 · 14 January 2019 at 11:17AM

The marital debts are part of the pot.

Are you still on £50k? If so, you would pay approx. £105 a week in maintenance.

All assets, form part of the pot also.

I'd suggest you speak to a divorce lawyer (and lower your maintenance for the moment)

on the plus side at least your out of this very unhappy relationship

TBagpuss · 14 January 2019 at 9:38PM

Maintenance have a look at the child maintenace calculaot to see what you should be paying. https://www.gov.uk/calculate-your-child-maintenance/y

The overnight stays do affect what you pay, and strictly speaking you don't have to pay extras. If you are earning £50K gross and the children spend every Tuesday and Friday night then the calculator suggests you would be liable for £105 to £125 a week (depending on whether they also have any extra time with you in holidays etc) which works out at £455 - £540 a month, so it sounds as though you may be overpaying a bit.
How much of the debt is in your sole name?
Have you had any financial or legal advice? It sounds as though you may well be entitled to more money from the family home, either now, or at a later date.

System · 13 March 2019 at 11:14AM

Yes - agree with the points above. Reduce your maintenance to the appropriate level and then find out about all debts, split in half and pay ONLY that. I'm willing to bet that OP's soon-to-be-ex-wife is not paying 900pcm herself...

Mnd · 14 March 2019 at 8:07PM

What an awful situation you are in.
Whatever happens you need to have this sorted, the worst consequences cannot be as bad as how you are going on at the moment.
Take the above advice and don't be afraid to come back for more help.
Good luck

MPE-J · 13 April 2019 at 1:25PM

Thanks everyone for the advice.

I’m pretty sure I know the answer to this but I agreed to receive a sum for my share in the marital home based purely on the deposit I required for my new house.

I’m starting to have major regrets over this as it was agreed to somewhat under duress (if I didn’t accept and then move out then she threatened me that her family were going to physically eject me and my possessions from the marital home), I have a history of mental health issues and in some respects I would say that I was not mentally fit to be agreeing to any of it.

Is there any way to retrospectively dispute a settlement due to it being agreed to under duress?

I genuinely have no idea what sum she remortgaged the house for, what it was valued at or anything else relating to it.

tacpot12 · 13 April 2019 at 3:14PM

I'd agree you need both financial and legal help. Citizens Advice can help with debt advice and have trained workers who can help you work out what it is appropriate for you to pay. I you are making £900 pcm of repayments every month, then affording a divorce is not going to be too difficult - you just take a payment holiday for a month and this will give you enough money to get a solicitor to look at your case and advise you.

Your situation is difficult, and is compounded by your health. If you have a friend who is good with money, and who could assist you with this situation, I think you would be well advised to ask for their help. It is easier for someone who is not directly affected by the stress of the situation to navigate through the complexities.

If you work with Citizens Advice and a friend to come up with a short-term financial plan that will free up £1000, this will be enough to get the legal help you need to separate from your ex as far as possible.

[Deleted User] · 23 April 2019 at 2:53AM

Can you go back to the house for a few hours and while looking after the children, take copies of all financial paperwork so you know what the situation is, what you signed for in things you are uncertain about etc? If worst comes to worst, take photos on your phone? I appreciate this will take some time and be very stressful, but it is well worth doing if you can bear it. I find its always better to deal with facts rather than 'what could be'. Even if its worst, at least then you can make plans and know what the situation is.

Thank you for posting. I've just got my 22 year old out of a developing situation that was very similar at its start to yours. He has autism too, and was rapidly developing debts in one year due to his rather difficult to manage gf (who could only feel 'better' and worthy if he bought x, y and then z for her). You have affirmed my concerns. He was getting very depressed as well as she was very critical, and lost all confidence. It'll be a long road but I hope we'll get there in the end. Obviously there were elements of vulnerability there, so I am hoping to get him some help with that (counselling) but meanwhile giving lots of support so he can see he isn't as useless as he has been told for the last year, in fact he's pretty special.

Can you get some counselling? It takes time but I obtained autism specialist counselling via a referral from my GP at the Royal Maudsley if you are anywhere near London. But hopefully, if you google, there are other places nearer to you.

I do understand the childhood background you describe. Mine was the same. Its been a long long journey but with the right specialist help I am definitely getting there myself as well. There honestly is hope.

Wikivorce might be able to offer advice as well https://www.wikivorce.com/divorce/

You probably won't get anywhere looking for a way to argue you were unable to make decisions exactly but might be able to get somewhere arguing that you were in an abusive relationship. You could phone Mankind or the Mens Advice Line (just google). If you don't connect with the person you speak to, phone another day and speak to someone else. One person I spoke to from there one day was really helpful, another person I didn't really connect with. (about my son). So keep trying. It will help you get a deeper understanding of the impact even if you think you understand what was happening, and will help validate what you feel about what's happened. This is very important. Unfortunately after a relationship like this, and with MH challenges, there is a lot of self blame, which isn't helpful and can be rationalised into more healthy thinking.

In the end my son was copying texts to me. It helped him to see that what he was being told was manipulative and untrue and to understand how it was working on him. It can be hard to see all the layers with autism, (I have it too, not being patronising), this can help.

I wish you well. I hope you come back and see the replies. It will take time but you will get to a better place.

MPE-J · 17 March 2021 at 1:11PM

Thought I’d update to let you all know there is light at the end of the tunnel.
edited highlights: she put in for divorce and demanded half the cost of doing so.

I told her I didn’t have the money (which was the truth).

She borrowed it from a school gate friend and told said friend I’d pay her (the friend) back in three months.

I was left to borrow this from my Dad.

She got a solicitor and mentioned in passing that she was expecting me to pay half of the no fault amicable divorce that she had petitioned for.
Solicitor told her that was a no go, if she wanted a divorce for no fault other than she wanted one then she had to pay for it....

which she did 😃😃😃

Soon after I got a settlement from my work owing to an HR issue which paid half my debts accrued when being married.

My partner of the last three years is selling her house and moving in with me and basically, things are all good.

there is hope and stay positive people.

littlemissbossy · 18 March 2021 at 4:05PM

That's great to hear.

Want a divorce, afraid it might bankrupt me.

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