The Garden Fence - proper Old Style support and chat!

nursemaggie · 9 March 2018 at 2:31PM

I have tried it goes no where we are only moving for him. It only became for me when the neighbours from hell arrived.

What am I going to do when I can't look after myself any more. I can't reason with him. I keep telling him I get up feeling like he does at the end of the day. I am not believed I am just lazy and do not care about him. He says I am being selfish and I don't want him. He is now sulking just like mum used to do.

He says it is too late now. Polly

Floss · 9 March 2018 at 3:01PM

NM ask your Macmillan contact to help you find sheltered housing for you - if DS says it is too late then make your life your own. You need somewhere you can put your washing & bins out, to sit in the sunshine & watch the rain peacefully without stress and noisy neighbours xx

ivyleaf · 9 March 2018 at 3:08PM

Floss wrote: »

NM I'm sorry, but DS needs to grow a pair and behave like an adult if he wishes to be treated like one.

Everyone who works in a physical job can have busy times and come home tired. He isn't the only one in Bolton!

If he wants a better home nearer to work, he has to make an effort to help find it. Has he offered to use a days holiday to go on viewings with you? Or asked his boss for a Saturday off to go then? If he won't then personally I would go without him and go for the house you feel best suits both, as much as is possible.

If he is still shouting at you after this weekend I would consider a quick flight to Malta...and IMHO I think you should look for a sheltered flat for yourself and let him sort himself out. At least then he won't be shouting at his elderly, sick mother :eek: :mad:

nm, I have to agree with this! xx

pollyanna I forgot to say that yes, i would have been living here when you came to the Red House! We've been here for nearly 35 years, ever since OH left the army.

nannywindow · 9 March 2018 at 3:10PM

NM I cannot believe your son would treat you like that. How dare he ! You have looked after him and treated him with respect and now the boot is on the other foot, he sounds like a petulant child to me. Time for you to be putting yourself first, second and third. Apologies to you if I'm speaking out of turn here.
nan xx

[Deleted User] · 9 March 2018 at 3:42PM

NM perhaps the time has come to actually put your needs ahead of his? I know you love him and as mum would move heaven and earth to accommodate his needs and wishes if that were possible, unfortunately there is then real life where compromises have to be made to find acceptable and not idealistic. You always seem to come bottom of the pile lovey and have to deal with the fallout on your own and it feels wrong for you to be in that position. Perhaps if you like this house enough he can choose to either come and live there with you or find something of his own more to his liking in the area of his choice. The stress in your life reads as almost unbearable for you and I hope it's not presumptuous to say we all would like life to be happier and gentler for YOU! I suspect that DS would very quickly realise what his life lacked should he decide not to come with you on the move but strike out on his own. It sometimes needs a life 'object lesson' to change attitudes and make our so loved offspring realise we're only human too and also just how much you do for them!

nursemaggie · 9 March 2018 at 3:53PM

The only sheltered housing that is available is flats about six stories high. The are at a crossroads of the busiest roads in Bolton. The traffic is there 24/7. I suspect there is no lift and there are always several vacancies there. I really don't want to move in there.

He had agreed he would stay with me until I die as there is no one else to take care of me. I could not stand living with DD, she is bossy and she is the only person in the world who know how to do anything. Exactly like her father. She also uses emotional blackmail like her father.

It took me 10 years to pluck up the courage to get out of it because he also belittled me and I thought I was as useless as he said. DD does it too and her husband,They totally deny it of course because they are perfect. I go to see my grandson. I am not well enough for the flight.

I also need to sort out iSupply, and I did not get my pension from work for December and January. February's was only back pay for a rise that I am wondering if we got it last year. They are accusing me of not telling them where I live or that I moved from Sussex and did not tell them. It's all a big mess. I did tell them I am just not sure letters ever leave the post office in Bolton.

I do not want any more stress. I don't feel well enough to cope with what I already have.

nursemaggie · 9 March 2018 at 3:58PM

Thank you lyn I can't do that. For one I could not pay the rent on my own and two the council would not be allowed to give me any housing benefit because, on my own I am only allowed a 1 bed flat or a bedsit. It is a crime to be poor so I have to do as I am told.

VJsmum · 9 March 2018 at 4:01PM

NM I am so worried about you... I think we all are.

Re Macmillan - can you not ask them to speak to DS. Obviously there is something going on with him, maybe they could 'counsel' him regarding your needs. Maybe he is afraid of what the "looking after me until i die" means for him? That would be totally normal as a reaction. I would be afraid too, if i were in his shoes, of the physical and emotional impact of that. COuld he be afraid of what the future holds, so he is burying his head? Because, as awful as the flat is, dealing with that means he doesn't have to deal with the 'what if'. Does he have anyone he can speak to? he isn't very old really (in his twenties?) and that is quite young to be dealing with this - so he is lashing out.

Doesn't excuse his behaviour of course, but might explain it a little.

[Deleted User] · 9 March 2018 at 4:03PM

Life is harsh pet, I can only wish you a better deal in it by whatever means it's obtainable, know that we all care and wish for much better things in yours xxx.

nursemaggie · 9 March 2018 at 4:09PM

No VJsmum They are not allowed to do that without his permission. I have asked him several times but he says no. He wont even read a booklet aimed at close relatives of someone with cancer.

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The Garden Fence - proper Old Style support and chat!

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