Barking mad relatives!

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  • ska_lover
    ska_lover Posts: 3,773 Forumite
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    Sea_Shell wrote: »
    Saying NO to family is so hard sometimes though. I'm currently trying a subtle approach over stuff with mine...but they don't seem to be taking the hint. Might have to be more blunt myself.

    Oh I agree a million percent. It is horrendously difficult to assert myself at times, it has taken years of being took for a mug, demanded stuff of, and jibed about, to get to this stage.

    I defo have better friends than family. There is only one close family member I speak to - the rest I haven't spoken to in years, fed up of their self imposed dramas

    I often thought I was adopted as I have very little in common with them at all
    The opposite of what you know...is also true
  • olgadapolga
    olgadapolga Posts: 2,273 Forumite
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    ska_lover wrote: »
    Oh I agree a million percent. It is horrendously difficult to assert myself at times, it has taken years of being took for a mug, demanded stuff of, and jibed about, to get to this stage.

    I defo have better friends than family. There is only one close family member I speak to - the rest I haven't spoken to in years, fed up of their self imposed dramas

    I often thought I was adopted as I have very little in common with them at all


    I have a similar situation. I don't speak to many of my relatives, close or otherwise. I got fed up of having to listen to them whinging about various things that could easily have been sorted out, had they been bothered to look at things clearly.

    I frequently tell my husband that my parents took the wrong baby home from the hospital, as I am nothing like them. Nor would I want to be like them as they are not nice people. I still wonder how one of my sisters managed to find three people who'd marry her. Mind you, they all divorced her as well . . .

    Saying "no" gets easier though, especially after the first time. As the OP has returned her young relative once, surely telling the aunt "no" must be easier the second time around? Personally, I wouldn't get into massive discussions about the subject, just keep saying "no".
  • Pollycat
    Pollycat Posts: 34,681 Forumite
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    Sea_Shell wrote: »
    Saying NO to family is so hard sometimes though. I'm currently trying a subtle approach over stuff with mine...but they don't seem to be taking the hint. Might have to be more blunt myself.
    If your family aren't taking the hint - and you really need them to get the message - you will definitely have to be more blunt.
    ska_lover wrote: »
    I often thought I was adopted as I have very little in common with them at all
    olgadapolga wrote: »
    I frequently tell my husband that my parents took the wrong baby home from the hospital, as I am nothing like them.
    I say this all the time.

    If I didn't look the spitting image of my mother I'd really believe it. :D
  • Sea_Shell
    Sea_Shell Posts: 9,371 Forumite
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    We seem to be only considered part of the family when they want something doing. One day it'll all come to a head and I'll tell you ALL about it!! DH is really not happy with the favouritism shown at my expense.
    How's it going, AKA, Nutwatch? - 12 month spends to date = 2.31% of current retirement "pot" (as at end March 2024)
  • Pollycat
    Pollycat Posts: 34,681 Forumite
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    Sea_Shell wrote: »
    We seem to be only considered part of the family when they want something doing. One day it'll all come to a head and I'll tell you ALL about it!! DH is really not happy with the favouritism shown at my expense.
    If you start being blunt now every time they ask you to do something, they may get the message before it comes to a head.
  • splishsplash
    splishsplash Posts: 3,055 Forumite
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    OP, if I were you, I would reply to the email today.

    Comment how it's lovely to hear from your aunt, you don't meet up often enough, agree that your aunt's plans sound great and while you are not in a position to help out at this time, offer a list of reasonably priced accommodations and creches etc. Tell her to be sure to tell the niece and baby to drop in for dinner/ to visit from time to time - but to ring ahead of course. Regretfully let her know you are unavailable at weekends for the moment so a meet up won't be possible for a while. Don't say why, no need.

    I wouldn't be forceful or nasty, I wouldn't explain myself, just repeat as needed 'I'm not in a position to help out right now, but here are some other suggestions and the very best of luck to her, let me know how she gets on'.

    There are many families who consider it normal to help each other out like this. My family hosted my cousin for years so that he could attend school here, I have hosted cousins for summer months to let them live and work here, my kids would never pay for accommodation if they go to their cousins' cities (handy for trips abroad now!).

    There is really no need for outrage or offence - it's just that your aunt probably doesn't realize you are not one of those types of family members. Your mum is probably caught in the middle, coming from the same background as your aunt but knowing you are unlikely to be accepting of it.
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  • 74jax
    74jax Posts: 7,921 Forumite
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    splishsplash wrote: »
    OP, if I were you, I would reply to the email today.

    Comment how it's lovely to hear from your aunt, you don't meet up often enough, agree that your aunt's plans sound great and while you are not in a position to help out at this time, offer a list of reasonably priced accommodations and creches etc. Tell her to be sure to tell the niece and baby to drop in for dinner/ to visit from time to time - but to ring ahead of course. .

    .

    I wouldn't do this. 'at this time' implies she will be able to in the future.

    I wouldn't invite to dinner either. I'd maybe say if they are about they could message and you maybe meet up for a coffee somewhere if you are free.... But then again I'd just leave this out altogether being me.
    Forty and fabulous, well that's what my cards say....
  • warby68
    warby68 Posts: 3,021 Forumite
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    OP please say no quickly and clearly.

    The request is unreasonable, anything other than a clear no will leave the door open for further hassle.

    You really shouldn't need longer to compose a response than to post on here unless you're trying some kind of thing which is not a straight no, and that has to be ill advised with these people.

    'Sorry no auntie, we will not be doing this'

    The only other angle I would consider for outrageous requests is to treat them as a joke and laugh them off 'ha, ha very funny, as if we'd ever do that'. This gives them a chance to save face and agree with you they weren't serious.

    No explanation or reasons with either option
  • kerri_gt
    kerri_gt Posts: 11,202 Forumite
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    Sea_Shell wrote: »
    Saying NO to family is so hard sometimes though. I'm currently trying a subtle approach over stuff with mine...but they don't seem to be taking the hint. Might have to be more blunt myself.

    It's strange how many of us seem to feel obligated to people who we are related to via random genetics yet wouldn't necessarily choose to be friends with if not related.

    Splishsplash whilst a nice response would be nice, this is the aunt who has already sent Wee Lass plus child on a bus to stay with OP without any prior conversation / discussion / agreement so i think it's past the polite niceties stage.

    OP 'no, no, no, no, no, never in a million years and I'm considering moving to Timbuktu' should just about cover it ;)
    Feb 2015 NSD Challenge 8/12
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  • Marvel1
    Marvel1 Posts: 7,171 Forumite
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    splishsplash wrote: »
    OP, if I were you, I would reply to the email today.

    Comment how it's lovely to hear from your aunt, you don't meet up often enough, agree that your aunt's plans sound great and while you are not in a position to help out at this time, offer a list of reasonably priced accommodations and creches etc. Tell her to be sure to tell the niece and baby to drop in for dinner/ to visit from time to time - but to ring ahead of course. Regretfully let her know you are unavailable at weekends for the moment so a meet up won't be possible for a while. Don't say why, no need.

    I wouldn't be forceful or nasty, I wouldn't explain myself, just repeat as needed 'I'm not in a position to help out right now, but here are some other suggestions and the very best of luck to her, let me know how she gets on'.

    .

    Everything in bold is a very bad idea to say, considering what the Aunt has done.
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