Managing the guilt factor
Comments
-
DairyQueen wrote: »increased longevity rarely comes without a cost. That cost is ill-health and frailty.
I saw a pithy summary: we're not only living longer we're dying longer.Free the dunston one next time too.0 -
Parent is 80 and still going strong with 99% of marbles still intact. Family wise I am in a similar situation to you. Parent would miss me if I went away for any length of time and would probably prefer that I didn't.
However they would never tell me that and would be very clear that I should do what I want to do, and they will manage whatever happens. There is no expectation that I put anything on hold because of them.
I also think that in the days of skype, whats app and whatever else develops in the next 10 years before it may become an issue it is much easier to keep track of what is going on and most of the world is now only a plane ride away in an emergency.
Techology such as lifeline can also be put in place in case of emergencies.
I think it's about communication and every one saying how they really feel, rather than as DQ says having it creep up on you without realising. It also helps if the parents have enough money to start paying for help as they need it rather than having to go down the social services route. Parent is currently sorting out the house, turning the garden low maintenance and employing help for the jobs that are now a struggle. However they have been on their own for a long time.
Without wanting to sound morbid it is likely to be much more of an issue if one parent passes away because being on your own after being part of a couple for so long hits people a lot harder and you will almost certainly find yourself being much more involved.
Do you have the option to take a sabbatical now, for example?All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well.
Pedant alert - it's could have, not could of.0 -
You sound a lot like my SIL.Do I feel like a bad daughter? Yep.
She has always done the majority of the caring due to living closest but feels the most guilty.
I don't entirely understand it, although I think women do suffer from this more than men who bear different pressures from the traditional expectation to be a provider.
This is not my expeirence, although I appreciate it varies.receives zero societal support
When my MIL started to have daily difficulties we called in social services. They assesssed her needs and sent a carer in daily to help her dress and wash (of course as she knew someone was coming she got dressed to be ready for them!). They also took her to a day center once a week. Transport was provided with an escort (she was in a wheelchair). This gave FIL some much needed respite. She only paid for her lunch.
Her care was free and she was allowed up to £300 per week income before she would have to pay (generous IMO).
She had a fall, went to hospital and it was clear she could not look after herself and also FIL (late 80's) could not be her carer 24/7. On advice from others we took him to the meeting where he struggled to walk with him zimmer, told them he couldn't cope and broke down emotionally.
She was put into a nursing home funded by the local authority (the home was disregarded as FIL was living there).
None of us could take care of her needs 24/7 as we all need to earn a living (I'm 50 so 17 years away from state pension age). In practice the decision was easy but obviously there is guilt.
FIL started to struggle. Again we called in social services. He is not one to complain and said he was fine and needed nothing.
Luckily the social worker saw through this.
He had a carer coming daily, mostly for support/company to be honest and also a visit once a week to go out for a coffee and cake.
Personally I think this is very good and the carers were free because again he was allowed £300 income per week before paying.
Our only complaint is that when he needed a care home they wanted to split him and MIL up after 60 years of marriage to save money.
We insited and the LA put him in the same home at £850 per week. The home was disregarded whilst his stay was temporary and for another 12 weeks.
On the whole I think the LA have been more generous than we expected and we have no complaints apart from the attempt to split them up.
With him being bed-bound and her in a wheelchair and difficult to transport, they would not have seen each other much whereas they were able to spend his last 11 days together. This did take excellent advocacy to acheive this (which is not right).
But nevertheless a million miles from zero, although totally appreciate experiences vary.
Not all family are financially able to leave their jobs or their children.0 -
I saw a pithy summary: we're not only living longer we're dying longer.
My MIL is suffering from dimensia and arthritis (had that 50 years).
She can walk a little but only with assitance for her to get up and down, which means she cannot do anything including visiting the bathroom without assistance.
She cannot pick up jigsaw pieces or playing cards as her hand are clawed.
She does not remember her mum, husband, siblings are dead, so has no concept of the passing of time.
She is starting to struggle to put together sentences.
She cannot see or hear well, so cannot enjoy books, television.
At 90 she never used computers so that's not an option either and even if we did show her she would not remember.
If we give her anything e.g. coins, they will be in the bin, bottom of drawers, so she cannot have much money or decent jewelry or even hearing aids. Her glasses are gradually dissappearing.
She is sat there all day with nothing to do bored out of her mind.
The other residents are in the same state so can't hear/see each other.
If we had a pill we'd gve her one and that's becuase we love her not because we don't.
It's pitifully sad.
We actually do not know how we are going to cope WHEN she gets worse.
SIL feels constant guilt even though she is the one that does the most.
She is 58 and could easily suffer with her own health.
People need to take care of themselves as well. You can't pour from an empty cup.0 -
DairyQueen wrote: »Bottom line is that increased longevity rarely comes without a cost. That cost is ill-health and frailty.
It's not a cost. When the average life expectancy was 70, people didn't reach 70 in the same state of health that a 70-year-old does now, and then immediately drop dead. They were in the same state of ill-health that an aged and frail 80- or 90-year-old would be today.
It is true that someone might, say, live until 80 with the last two years spent mostly in bed rather than live until 70 with the last year spent mostly in bed. However if they find the extra year unbearable then they will find a way to resolve that, whatever the law says. So it's still not a cost. It's still an extra year of life, which is better than a slap in the face with a wet fish.
On the question asked by the OP, I agree with everyone else. If this is a choice to be made in ten years then right now it's a waste of mental energy. Anything could happen.0 -
Thankyou all for your contributions, this is clearly an issue that isn't going to go away for many many families. My family is fragmented and relatives have all chased their dreams over the years resulting in family living as far away as Australia.
I do take on board the cost implications and parents aren't wealthy but I envisage being in a situation where I can and will step in to pay for help ie cleaners, gardeners, chiropodists etc and the general care needs of the elderly. I refuse to do ' personal' care though and they know this so we'll cross that bridge if / when that time comes.
I cannot take a sabbatical now as I have pets who need me and I will never leave them, they are all rescue ponies / dogs and as they had a rough start to life and darned going to make sure they have a fantastic second part / finish to life.0 -
I do take on board the cost implications and parents aren't wealthy but I envisage being in a situation where I can and will step in to pay for help ie cleaners, gardeners, chiropodists etc and the general care needs of the elderly. I refuse to do ' personal' care though and they know this so we'll cross that bridge if / when that time comes.
If it's just about paying for what they need then you can arrange that from the other side of the world without too much difficulty.
Do they both have Lasting Powers of Attorney (both Property / Finance and Health / Welfare) in place?0 -
This is a very good point.Do they both have Lasting Powers of Attorney (both Property / Finance and Health / Welfare) in place?
I am currently trying to get deputyship for my MIL because she would not do LPA voluntarily.
This is costing a lot, taking a long time (so flat is empty paying service charges on it) and is somewhat onerous in terms of record keeping.
I set up my own EPA at age 39 and it's not a bad idea for anyone, but older people should definitely do it whilst it easy for them to make decisions.0 -
It will be hard to get any kind of power of attorney tbh as these are the people who don't even want to make a will.
They both come from difficult backgrounds and seem to be overly suspicious of people's motives, even family.
I think that as my plans are a few years ahead, i'll think of things nearer the time when we know the actual circumstances, as others have said I could make best laid plans etc and they go pear shaped.0
This discussion has been closed.
Categories
- All Categories
- 343.1K Banking & Borrowing
- 250.1K Reduce Debt & Boost Income
- 449.7K Spending & Discounts
- 235.2K Work, Benefits & Business
- 607.9K Mortgages, Homes & Bills
- 173K Life & Family
- 247.8K Travel & Transport
- 1.5M Hobbies & Leisure
- 15.9K Discuss & Feedback
- 15.1K Coronavirus Support Boards