Father/Stepmother Divorce - Advice Needed Please!
Comments
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16confused wrote: »He's been very unwell recently but has now largely recovered. She did little to help whilst he was ill. Wouldn't even come to the hospital when he had blood tests/MRI etc.
This triggered more "life is too short" thoughts for him. Time to do something about it.
He’s perfectly entitled to ask for a divorce if he wants, but I don’t think this is unreasonable behaviour.
Those are outpatient appointments, and if he didn’t need her to be there as an actual carer then hospitals don’t generally want extra people hanging about. It’s even been on some of my appointment letters that there isn’t room for you to bring someone with you.0 -
It may be very obvious to you that he should split up with his wife. While he is giving you all the negatives, its probably not as totally negative in his head. Part of him would like a calmer life, but he also doesn't want to live alone, possibly doesn't want to move, he can see problems you can't. For you, its worth any problems, for him it may not be.., otherwise he'd have already moved. You are three hours away, he has to deal with the day in day out stuff on his own mostly. And its not easy. Particularly if hes not well. All you can do if he stays in the situation is take him out to give him some light relief and perhaps invite him to stay with you for a few days at a time. Perhaps increasing the frequency of this if he is amenable.
It might be more helpful to try and instigate his wife getting some therapy. But again, this is very difficult if she can't see the need. Is there anyone on her side of things that might be able to help? It may be she is living a life imprisoned by fears, but unfortunately, people like this can be quite manipulative rather than dealing with facing their fears. Anyone who suggests this might help is seen as an enemy, even if they care. There's always a justification, however illogical it is to others. I am living in such a situation with a close relative now.
It does sound miserable, I had to watch my father in what to me was a very unhappy situation, but he never left her, and when she died he was totally broken and never recovered (he was quite ill by then himself). It was the compromise he made and to him it was worth it, regardless of the odd moments when he expressed unhappiness. All I could do was listen. It wasn't my life so I couldn't preach, however strongly I felt. It didn't do any good when I did nievely suggest he should leave her, he didn't. However the relationship seemed to me, I was an outsider, it was his situation and only he could do something about it. Its always a lot more complicated to the person living in the situation than it is to the outsider (and I'm afraid even a daughter is an outsider, its his family, not yours).0 -
Your dad's best bet is to change his will immediately to remove the !!!!!!!!!!s from easily getting their hands on his cash should the worst happen and then take action.
Tell her they are separating and make plans to move - she and her daughter will have to support themselves.
There's no need to divorce yet - it may well be better to wait for an actual divorce until he is retired, financially speaking.0 -
I suspect that a solicitor will tell your Dad that if he has for all the years of their relationship not objected to the sit on your bum and watch telly all day scenario, that he accepted it and cannot now use it as a weapon against her.
In your shoes, I'd be backing off. He is a grown man and is simply placing you in her firing line. He needs to seek independent legal advice and take sensible steps on his own account not just bellyache to you and achieve nothing.
I realise that you are concerned about him but it is only stressing you. Only he can resolve this issue. Good luck.0 -
Why does he not simple retire and rent himself a small flat and simply leave her. There are no small children to pay maintenance for so she and her daughter will have to fend for themselves.
He doesn't need to start divorce proceedings straight away, just tell her he is leaving her.
That sounds like a sensible idea but how long can he leave it like that?
You're right in that she couldn't come after him for child support. is there any claim she could make for support?
In theory he could leave her, keeping what money he has and it would be up to her to try and start divorce proceedings to clam money from him?
I have read stories where people have been separated for years but never commenced divorce proceedings? I'm assuming a trigger for starting divorce proceedings would often be because both parties wished to divide up assets? Since he came in with all of the assets and will be taking them when they split (all of the business assets are in his name and the business account is in his name) she is the one that would need to pursue a settlement with him try and recover some money?
If she never starts the process then there is no divorce and so no settlement required?
The issue for my dad would be that he could not get married again but I will implore him not to rush into anything again after the mess he has got himself in this time.
If he did meet someone then he couldn't rush into it and so it would encourage him to take his time and be more careful.
In theory if he did meet somebody else and wanted to divorce his current wife in order to marry them then the current wife could block the divorce to spite him if she wished.
Very broad questions I know but trying to consider everything.0 -
16confused wrote: »he came in with all of the assets and will be taking them when they split
Which bit of 'they are lawfully married' is being ignored or misunderstood?
That bit about 'all my worldly goods I share with you' means that he will not be able to walk off leaving her destitute and (probably) homeless ... she does have a claim upon him (however unfair you personally find that fact) and the best advice this forum has given him is speak to an experienced solicitor.
All else is guesswork and running round in circles of uncertainty.0 -
16confused wrote: »I have read stories where people have been separated for years but never commenced divorce proceedings? I'm assuming a trigger for starting divorce proceedings would often be because both parties wished to divide up assets? Since he came in with all of the assets and will be taking them when they split (all of the business assets are in his name and the business account is in his name) she is the one that would need to pursue a settlement with him try and recover some money?
Yes you aren’t really listening to what we’re saying. He won’t be walking away with all the assets, 50% of those belong to her. She also doesn’t have to disappear, she has as much right to continue living in the property as he does. If he attempts to retain all the assets and she has no where to go I can’t see her being willing to leave.
If they want a quick divorce they have to agree but ultimately you don’t need to wait for the agreement of both parties. After a certain period of time you can divorce even if one person doesn’t want to.
However as I’ve said above she’ll be living rent free in the house probably making life miserable for him. Why would she be in a hurry to divorce.0 -
"Objective and unbiased" would make for a summarised first post rather than a wall of text.
Your father needs targeted legal advice, not third or fourth hand information from strangers on a forum. By all means support your father by travelling with him to the solicitor's office, then sit in the waiting area.
Financial settlements in divorce cases are influenced by predicted future needs and ability to earn or access other income streams or capital. NOT simply who worked the most hours, who earned the most, nor what each came into the relationship with.
If the stepfamily cannot be bothered to get their mental health problems or personality disorders documented that is their loss. Detailing numerous examples of antisocial/ erratic/ inappropriate/ withdrawn behaviours may not be in your father's best interests. At the very least it will necessitate longer or more frequent - and thus more costly - solicitor's appointments!
HTH.Declutterbug-in-progress.⭐️⭐️⭐️ ⭐️⭐️0 -
If he decides that he wants a divorce, he can divorce her. He should find a local solicitor - he can find one via Resolution.org.uk . Many offer a free initial appointment to give general information and for him to determine whether he feels comfortable with the specifc solicitor.
He can start divorce proceedings even if they are still living in the same house.
He should update his will now. MMarriage revokes previous wills so assuming that the old will pre-dates his current marriage, it is no longer valid. if he died tomorrow eveything would go to his current wife.
If he divorces his wife, then in terms of a finacial settlment, the aim is to come up with a settlement which is fair, taking into account all the circumstnaces, which can include both parties needs, and the length of the marriage, among other things.
The length of the marriage would usually include any period of cohabitation beofre marraige as well as the time they were actually married, so in your dad's case that would be the period from 2011, so 8 years. This is not what would be seen as a short marriage, so it is unlikely that a court would say they should each just keep the assets theyhad at the outset.
That said, a court may be prepared to take into account that the assets are all primarily assets your dad built up before the marraige.
This may that a fair outcome would give him more than 50% of the current available assets.
His step-daughter is an adult, so it is unlikely that she, or her needs/wants would be relevant.
A court would look at him andhis wife, and what they each need, and how those needs can be met. It doesn't sound as though either of them will be in a position to buy anywhere or to get a mortgage, so a court is likely to be looking at splitting the capital assets broadly evenly .
With the pension, a court may be more open to the idea that he should keep this, or the bulk of it, as it was mainly built up befor ethe marriage, he is on the verge of retirement, and it is a relatively small pension so splitting it wpould not provide any significant level of saupport for her.All posts are my personal opinion, not formal advice Always get proper, professional advice (particularly about anything legal!)0 -
Why does he not simple retire and rent himself a small flat and simply leave her. There are no small children to pay maintenance for so she and her daughter will have to fend for themselves.
He doesn't need to start divorce proceedings straight away, just tell her he is leaving her.
Would she not have an automatic right to come after his money?
What if he died and they were still married? Would she not automatically receive all of his assets? He'll be gone and will be worry free but he'd certainly prefer his money ended up with his grandson or my brother rather than her and her kids.
Potentially he could sell his business assets and give the funds to somebody else. That way iif he died without resolving the divorce she would only get his pension?0
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