Keeping Money and Family Separate

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  • thorsoak
    thorsoak Posts: 7,166
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    svain wrote: »
    If your driving a tin can maybe. Could be double that in fuel cost alone. Possibly as much £25-£30 per round trip in fuel alone

    My 16-reg car does 52 mpg- surely that is not unusual? If you are driving an old gas-guzzler yes!
  • Pollycat
    Pollycat Posts: 34,579
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    thorsoak wrote: »
    Surely that is a case of spending TIME between daughter/mother - do you begrudge that? A round trip of 60 miles would take between one and two gallons of petrol - is that a deal-breaker?

    It could be more about time than money.
  • thorsoak
    thorsoak Posts: 7,166
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    Pollycat wrote: »
    It could be more about time than money.

    My thoughts exactly - sounds as if OP is begrudging the time that his OH is spending with her mother.
  • maman
    maman Posts: 28,491
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    My approach is always to take the moral high ground. Take the opportunity to do everything you can for your MIL and feel smug knowing you're behaviour is exemplary.

    It can be infuriating if you know she could well afford to buy you a coffee or that she behaves differently with others but I'd still feel good knowing I was beyond criticism.

    Obviously if it's causing you financial hardship then you'll have to limit your generosity and you'll have to talk to her about maybe paying for petrol or something but otherwise I'd just go with it.
  • Tabbytabitha
    Tabbytabitha Posts: 4,684
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    thorsoak wrote: »
    My thoughts exactly - sounds as if OP is begrudging the time that his OH is spending with her mother.

    I read it that the OP was driving the mil round, not that the mil's child was doing it.
  • maman
    maman Posts: 28,491
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    I read it that the OP was driving the mil round, not that the mil's child was doing it.

    That's how I read it too. DIL driving MIL around. Not heard anything about what the son/DH thinks about the situation.
  • Savvy_Sue
    Savvy_Sue Posts: 45,936
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    Sea_Shell wrote: »
    An example then.....say your MIL wants to go browsing/shopping, for non-essential household items, but they don't drive (or use the internet), so they ask you to take them, which involves a 60 mile round trip (from your house to theirs, onto the shop they want to visit, and back again) You don't mind doing it once, maybe even twice, but with no offer or the hint of any petrol money (or a Costa coffee) for your trouble, at what point do you say, no sorry!
    My parents never drove, so I don't think they ever 'got' how much it costs to run a car, or how tiring it can be to drive: all you were doing was sitting in the car alongside them, so why would you be tired?

    Still, they would often pay for lunch or coffee if I was running them around.
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  • sooty&sweep
    sooty&sweep Posts: 1,316 Forumite
    Sorry but I don't think you can keep money out of family affairs.
    Personally I don't judge gifts based on their monetary value rather the thought behind them.
    A member of my husband's family always makes & gives food gifts. Probably don't cost a fortune to make but I look forward to them every year & as far as I'm concerned they're priceless !
    Time is a far more valuable gift !
    There are some years when we've felt more flush than others & our Christmas gifts are more expensive than other years but that is our choice !
    Jen
  • FBaby
    FBaby Posts: 18,367
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    In your scenario, it really depends.

    Family members can sometimes repay in other way or at a delayed time. For instance, I've just sent some flowers to a friend for no specific occasion but just to say they are a fantastic friend because they do little things for me that I don't reciprocate always immediately.

    Sometimes they can repay by being a good listener, babysitting, helping with arranging things, etc...

    The other matter is that it could 'just the way they are'. You then have to decide whether you accept it or not. I have some issues with some things my MIL does or doesn't do which really irritates me, but I go along with it because firstly she is getting old and getting more and more emotional (and aggressive) which is quite common at that age, secondly out of respect for my OH who adores his mum (and who does appreciate my efforts) and finally because it's just easier to go along than to start some conflict.

    I have however distanced myself quite a bit recently, and that she had to accept.
  • Sea_Shell wrote: »
    Sounds familiar!!!

    I wasn't thinking within the household, but other immediate/in laws family.

    At what point does your generosity wain....as you feel your ability to pay is taken advantage of.

    I'm not sure. It used to bother me that they never say thank you. It does irk me slightly that they're not in the least bit shy about how much they order in restaurants or suggest a restaurant that is a bit pricey. For example, a couple of years ago I invited my family to the panto, I invited them so I paid for all the tickets - no problem there. My mum then offered to take everyone out for dinner afterwards and suggested a Frankie and Benny's type place but instead my brother wants to go to some fancier and therefore more expensive Italian restaurant. They're not shy about ordering beer, wine, etc but guess who the designated drivers are...mum and I.

    I've never done it again. I don't quite know how to feel about it because on one hand I think they take the Michael but on the other if we are going out as a family I do want them to enjoy themselves.

    Dad has a significant birthday coming up this year and I think he would like a family meal at his favourite restaurant so I might just have to suck it up. It doesn't help that eating meals with them is like feeding time at the zoo. No table manners whatsoever.
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