How to avoid meeting up

System · 20 March 2017 at 9:49AM

ripplyuk: my GP has put me in a swimming class at the local pool. 'Dave' is also a member, but not in the class. The pool gets very busy at class times, but now he has seen me go, he goes to to talk to me. He could go anytime. If I use the sauna after, he does too. Maybe it's coincidence, but if it were me, I'd use the pool at quiet times, not when there's a class so half of it cannot be used.

Seems like he's latched on to you for whatever reason. Save hurting his feelings i'd just keep telling him your busy.

If he's turning up at places where you are you could ask him what he is doing there? Just act surprised. See what he comes up with.

He'll get the message eventually.

Sunny_Saver · 20 March 2017 at 9:51AM

Judi: all three. Just because he's retired and no longer busy, doesn't mean we are. Also when I was single if I went out with his wife, he always came, so why shouldn't my husband now.

Even when his wife was alive, we didn't meet up all the time.

I'm also annoyed because when he told me his wife had passed he said there were no flowers, but donations were made to a charity. OH and I donated £150 in her memory and wrote a condolence letter telling him this. The charity also wrote and told him this. In fact, I know they actually told him twice. His kids were looking after his correspondence for a bit, but no one acknowledged it. When his son spoke to me, several months later, I mentioned it and he said 'if you said you donated, you donated', which I found a bit rude. This may sound as if it's about money, but it's more about you just want to know they know you did something.

ognum · 20 March 2017 at 10:43AM

Sunny_Saver wrote: »

Judi: all three. Just because he's retired and no longer busy, doesn't mean we are. Also when I was single if I went out with his wife, he always came, so why shouldn't my husband now.

Even when his wife was alive, we didn't meet up all the time.

I'm also annoyed because when he told me his wife had passed he said there were no flowers, but donations were made to a charity. OH and I donated £150 in her memory and wrote a condolence letter telling him this. The charity also wrote and told him this. In fact, I know they actually told him twice. His kids were looking after his correspondence for a bit, but no one acknowledged it. When his son spoke to me, several months later, I mentioned it and he said 'if you said you donated, you donated', which I found a bit rude. This may sound as if it's about money, but it's more about you just want to know they know you did something.[/QUOTE

I have donated to many funeral funds and only a couple of times has the donation been acknowledged. For many people who are winding up an estate it is the last thing on their mind. I agree it would be nice but you have to accept you gave the money to a charity, not to be thanked for it.

Your post has been on my mind a lot. I think you are probably right, it's sad you don't have the time, energy or wish to spend time with this man but there is too much resentment to make this a meaningful relationship and if it's not meaningful what is the point.

I think you should contact him in person or maybe your husband can and explain that at the moment you don't have the time to meet up or simply that you find it upsetting.

Give your thoughts and energies to people you want to be with, enjoy their company and move forward.

grannybiker · 20 March 2017 at 10:56AM

My heart goes out to you, Sunny, as you're obviously a caring person or this wouldn't be creating such angst for you.
The bottom line is, he's not your responsibility and he's not a sad desperate old man who has no options but to latch onto your kindness. He has family close by, friends and hobbies.
It seems that you're feeling almost stalked by this man as he turns up where he knows you'll be and wants to meet you - alone. I think most of us would be uncomfortable with this. Discomfort and resentment are no basis for a meaningful and mutually beneficial relationship.
I do some voluntary work and some of the people in the group have been bereaved. They all agree with Esther Rantzen's quote that loneliness isn't about having nobody to do stuff with. There's often someone to have lunch, walk, see a film with. It's about having nobody to do nothing with. Sadly nobody can fill this void.
I hope you don't feel too harshly judged by some of the comments. None of us have walked in your shoes for even a few paces.

suejb2 · 20 March 2017 at 11:01AM

If he asks again , which seems likely, maybe suggest somewhere neutral as you dislike coffee places, supermarket cafe maybe. Take your O.H with you. Stay just for the coffee and excuse yourselves with a doctors/ dentist/hairdresser appointment.

If he asks again , it doesn't have to be every week say monthly.Say your O.H will be coming again, he may decline this idea in which case that's his doing and no guilt on you. If he accepts then it's nnot just you he wants to eee.

itsanne · 20 March 2017 at 11:02AM

Sunny_Saver wrote: »

So as someone recently bereaved, itsanne what do you suggest. Clearly the friendship has ran it's course, we didn't see each other for three years.

Sorry, I should have added that in the first place. (Probably side-tracked by being a bit touchy at present.)

I can understand your frustration at the lack of contact in the three years preceding your friend's death and lack of communication when she died ..... but I can understand him trying to re-ignite contact now too. It's very difficult trying to find a way forward after a bereavement if you've done pretty much everything together and don't actually want to make the new life you know you need. However, that is no excuse for the stalkish behaviour he has exhibited and I'd be unhappy about it too.

If he makes you uncomfortable, you have just as much right not to see him as you would have if he hadn't been bereaved. Because of your discomfort I wouldn't suggest that you find ways of limiting the time but still seeing him for coffee etc. - you probably shouldn't see him at all.

I think you'll have to be quite blunt and tell him you're uncomfortable that he's appearing in places he knows you'll be. Give that as the reason you don't want to meet up - it's largely the truth anyway, and it's probably better to focus on one clear thing than come up with lots of excuses. If need be you can say that your husband is uncomfortable about it too. It's not likely to be an easy conversation, but I suspect anything else won't change his behaviour.

Good luck - I don't envy you 'the talk'.

Sunny_Saver · 20 March 2017 at 11:22AM

Thank you all for your advice and for taking the time to comment.

I didn't make it easy for you to advise me by not giving the full story in post 1, I was trying to be tactful in case he ever came on this site.

I've been using the word 'uncomfortable', but after 'talking to you all' I realised I feel 'trapped' and 'suffocated'.

I don't want to be made to feel as if I have to stay for hours when I see him or that I can't get away, even when I've 'escaped' to say the sauna, he follows. Or every time I bump into him, there's always talk of meeting up.

KxMx · 20 March 2017 at 11:23AM

I know myself when you have been brought up to be polite and are generally a nice person, it can be so so hard to find a way of dealing with situations like this.

Unless you do though nothing will change, and he will continue to make you feel uncomfortable. You have to harden your heart and sometimes be assertively rude, which can be difficult!

Sunny_Saver · 20 March 2017 at 11:33AM

KxMx wrote: »

Unless you do though nothing will change, and he will continue to make you feel uncomfortable. You have to harden your heart and sometimes be assertively rude, which can be difficult!

Easier said than done though. You'd think he'd have taken the hint after being busy for so long though

.

My husband is pretty useless in this scenario. Like a chocolate teapot! He says 'just go' and that I was his wife's friend. He hates confrontation.

itsanne · 20 March 2017 at 12:16PM

Sunny_Saver wrote: »

Easier said than done though. You'd think he'd have taken the hint after being busy for so long though .

My husband is pretty useless in this scenario. Like a chocolate teapot! He says 'just go' and that I was his wife's friend. He hates confrontation.

I don't think he's going to take any hints, no matter how obvious they are. You're probably going to have to decide between making excuses for ever and a day (and feeling stressed every time you see him), agreeing to meet up (and trying to keep the meeting short) or being clear that you aren't going to meet up and don't want him following you around.

Think of it as a cost-benefit analysis: all the options have a cost (how you feel) and a benefit (the outcome - what happens). You need to decide what you're willing to pay for what you want to happen. None of the options are cost-free - you're going to be uncomfortable for at least some time whatever happens. If you accept that it may be easier to decide what to do.

Perhaps your husband isn't aware of how uncomfortable you feel, that it's not just irritation after having been ignored for three years etc?

How to avoid meeting up

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