Renovations and Repayments II: New Year, New Start, New Diary.

AlexLK · 1 February 2018 at 12:17AM

Thanks all.

I need to make some boundaries, I think. Realised I'm not sleeping much because I'm trying to fit in too much per day. Currently work is 9.30am - c.6.00pm, I pick my son up from school 3 days per week so go for a walk with the dog and finish work at home on those days. 2 days he goes to my cousin's. We cook for 7.00pm when Mrs. K. arrives, eat then Mrs. K. deals with the dishes. Son goes to bed at 8.00pm and I work on the business 8.00-10.00pm usually. Some days very little is required, though. My parents usually call at 8.15pm and I put them on the loudspeaker. If we are expected at their house we are there after school until past 11.00pm and sometimes we stay. My son often sleeps in the car on the way back.

newgirly · 1 February 2018 at 6:28AM

Why do you have your son out at your parents so late if his bedtime is 8pm? Sorry Alex but this just seems so overwhelming for your family, I am amazed your wife manages to go along with how much your parents wishes dictate everything, I couldn't.

daisy_1571 · 1 February 2018 at 8:04AM

Agree with ng, your first 'time limiter' is that on school nights (or indeed all nights) you need to leave to get the lad in bed for 8. Not fair expecting him to be there from after school until 11, that's potentially 7-8 hours on what you mean by after school - a full working days amount of hours!!!, or to have to take things to go from their place to school the next day. Use him as your priority since it is actually in his best interests and you will be able to say it truthfully.

Also, I know nothing about children but I would hate to eat at 7 then go to bed an hour later? Would you and him not be better eating at a more normal teatime and give you both time to digest your food before sleeping? Mrs can have hers plated and eat when she gets on, not ideal but only for the days she works so can be managed.

I also wonder about putting them on loudspeaker. I suspect that means you don't have to sit in one place with phone at your ear so maybe can be doing other stuff but that in itself means you are less likely to a) actually concentrate on the conversation and b) have an impetus to end the call as soon as you get into discussing nonsense ie what happened on a particular day in 1987 - that kind of thing is not something either of you can change so either needs properly hashed out with a therapist who has the time and expertise to help him put these things properly to rest if he can't just discuss it once himself. I just feel with it on loudspeaker you will be half concentrating on 2 things so perhaps doing neither very efficiently.

Good luck Alex

Daisy xx

Bluefire · 1 February 2018 at 8:57AM

First easy boundary then, no visits on school nights unless it's straight after school & back home for 7pm when Mrs K arrives so you can eat together. There's no way your son should be made to stay up that late when he has school the next day.

Karmacat · 1 February 2018 at 10:15AM

Bluefire wrote: »

First easy boundary then, no visits on school nights unless it's straight after school & back home for 7pm when Mrs K arrives so you can eat together. There's no way your son should be made to stay up that late when he has school the next day.

Beautifully put. My sister was a teacher for many years, at a very expensive private school, and knew that the children she found out were out late (blended families that weren't very blended, for example) were going to have trouble. And they did. I mention the expensive school because its not a "class" issue, its a childhood issue, that can strike anywhere.

PositiveBalance · 1 February 2018 at 10:24AM

Fair points about Master LK's bedtime, Alex. Your parents seem very concerned about the type of school your son attends but less so about whether he is receptive to learning or not due to tiredness when he gets there.

I'm sure your parents will try to get you to visit after he has gone to bed or something else, but you're also a child in their eyes so you need your sleep as well!

(I feel a bit mean saying that but don't worry - all families have their problems, mine included!)

edinburgher · 1 February 2018 at 10:49AM

I refuse to let anyone interfere with DD's bedtime. We have had to turn down many invitations and reschedule events accordingly. We have made the odd exception for family parties or visiting friends where she will happily bunk down with her toddler pals for a few hours, but it's our choice. 20:00 sounds very disciplined - I struggle to get a 2-year-old down for then!

beanielou · 1 February 2018 at 11:11AM

Bluefire wrote: »

First easy boundary then, no visits on school nights unless it's straight after school & back home for 7pm when Mrs K arrives so you can eat together. There's no way your son should be made to stay up that late when he has school the next day.

This.

Have a good day.

Karmacat · 1 February 2018 at 11:37AM

edinburgher wrote: »

20:00 sounds very disciplined - I struggle to get a 2-year-old down for then!

With the range of toddlers and small children I've known, I've found that once children go to school, there's a lot more discipline about bedtime, there has to be - a two year old can easily sleep or nap at any time, but a 5 or 6 year old will be strongly dissuaded from doing that

I went to school at the age of 4, as a favour to my mum as she had a new baby and I was desperate to go to school with my brother - I fell asleep into my dinner, just like you see nowadays with kittens on youtube

AlexLK · 1 February 2018 at 8:34PM

newgirly wrote: »

Why do you have your son out at your parents so late if his bedtime is 8pm? Sorry Alex but this just seems so overwhelming for your family, I am amazed your wife manages to go along with how much your parents wishes dictate everything, I couldn't.

I find it difficult to get away. My father doesn't really let me speak much and if I say anything about going I'm told to stay for the night. My son tends to go to bed there at 8pm, I wake him later.

Mrs. K. isn't very happy about going there. She'll often have dinner and go back. This evening I came away with her. Mother prepared dinner early so we seem to have gained an hour.

Slept very badly last night and have felt ill at work all day so need to try an early night.

daisy_1571 wrote: »

Agree with ng, your first 'time limiter' is that on school nights (or indeed all nights) you need to leave to get the lad in bed for 8. Not fair expecting him to be there from after school until 11, that's potentially 7-8 hours on what you mean by after school - a full working days amount of hours!!!, or to have to take things to go from their place to school the next day. Use him as your priority since it is actually in his best interests and you will be able to say it truthfully.

Also, I know nothing about children but I would hate to eat at 7 then go to bed an hour later? Would you and him not be better eating at a more normal teatime and give you both time to digest your food before sleeping? Mrs can have hers plated and eat when she gets on, not ideal but only for the days she works so can be managed.

I also wonder about putting them on loudspeaker. I suspect that means you don't have to sit in one place with phone at your ear so maybe can be doing other stuff but that in itself means you are less likely to a) actually concentrate on the conversation and b) have an impetus to end the call as soon as you get into discussing nonsense ie what happened on a particular day in 1987 - that kind of thing is not something either of you can change so either needs properly hashed out with a therapist who has the time and expertise to help him put these things properly to rest if he can't just discuss it once himself. I just feel with it on loudspeaker you will be half concentrating on 2 things so perhaps doing neither very efficiently.

Good luck Alex

Daisy xx

I wish it were as simple as using my son's bedtime as an excuse. It's not because we have clothes, school uniform, toothbrushes etc. etc. there. School is only 9 miles from their house too.

My wife goes to the gym after work which makes dinner later than I would choose.

Yes, you're correct about the loudspeaker.

I can't say I really want to concentrate on a conversation which goes on for hours and would likely be better dealt with by a counsellor.

Bluefire wrote: »

First easy boundary then, no visits on school nights unless it's straight after school & back home for 7pm when Mrs K arrives so you can eat together. There's no way your son should be made to stay up that late when he has school the next day.

My son doesn't tend to go to bed that late as he goes to bed there but his sleep is disturbed if we don't stay over. I don't want him to develop sleep problems so stay on a fairly regular basis.

Renovations and Repayments II: New Year, New Start, New Diary.

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