Pressure from 'Friends' and people you know

quantic · 19 April 2011 at 8:14PM

Theblueone wrote: »

Have you ever thought that some of them may even be jealous of you for being 'sensible'?

It's just an idea that's all!

I found your comment about attending a wedding that was going to cost you £1,900 each strange! Who expects there 'guests' to afford that? Doesn't sound reasonable to me but what do I know!:huh:

I was just trying to give you some examples of the kinds of things they expect us to be able to do.. £1900 was for us as a couple to attend their wedding abroad. Its not like any of our friends are particularly well off either, which is the part that baffles me the most. I could maybe understand this if they had given us like 2/3 years notice, but a few days. Do they really just expect us to say, aye no bother.

Its somewhat worrying how little security people in my generation seem to have, they all seem to live on a knife edge, month to month, paying the minimum on CC's. No security net. I suppose thats up to them, but its becoming frustrating when people question why you cannot do things they 'can'.

I think the problem is that we are hanging around with the wrong crowd and need to find people more in fitting with the kind of people we are. Easier said then done though. As mentioned in the thread by people, I cannot really expect them to change to suit us, I don't. I just wish they would respect us not wanting to do expensive stuff all the time, and not have an opinion on it like I don't say anything about them.

Ah well, I guess time will tell.

frugalqueen_2 · 19 April 2011 at 8:16PM

Our road to being debt free started in December 2009, when we cut up all credit cards and stopped spending. We couldn't/still don't go out and we couldn't even go to work our Christmas do. we couldn't/didn't/still can't go to family weddings and we certainly found out who our friends were, our real friends stuck by us and some have even decided to go debt free too. we do dinner or lunch in our homes, have cheapy BBQs with Tesco value cider and homemade burgers. we have had silly comments but we ignore them, we did owe 45K and we now owe 25K and in 2012, we will be debt free and will be able to start over paying our pensions and mortgage to have some security in the future, we have fewer friends but real ones - Love Froogs x

quantic · 19 April 2011 at 8:21PM

It might sound cliche, but I blame the media and magazines, people seem to have an idea of what they are entitled to now, if they can afford it or not. I suppose I'm glad I'm on this side of the argument and not theirs. I think debt takes all of the joy out of life, because you get something or do something then spend loads of time after paying for it. So you sometimes end up wishing you had never done whatever it was.

Doesn't feel like anyone is prepared to earn anything anymore. I think this may be why so many people in my age bracket struggle to save up a deposit, not because they dont have the funds, just they have become so accustomed to the idea of buy now pay later.

poorandindenial · 19 April 2011 at 10:06PM

Goodness, I haven't been on here for ages, but I saw this thread and thought I would make my random comment.

Hello OP

I thought I would share some randomness from my own DF journey. I was really lucky as pretty much all of my friends were completely supportive and understanding when I was clearing my debt (none of them minded 'slumming it' with me when I was on my uber teeny budget when I was having a big push for a year at the start of my DFW journey) BUT i do have several friends that are in quite a bit of debt and when I told them that I was making good headway the response I got from a few was 'oh, good or you, personally I think life is too short to worry about it but I am really pleased you are sorting yours' - there wasn't a side, they really were pleased for me, they just hadn't had their LBM yet. One even freaks out now when I tell him I am debt free, he just doesn't really want to hear it is possible because then he would think deeply about his own situation and he isn't ready for that.

I wonder if these guys are the same, they just aren't ready to face their own debt. I know that when I was still racking it up I always figured it was something I would deal with eventually, I probably thought that I'd win the lottery or land some uber job or something that would suddenly change my situation.

I guess what I am trying to say is 'to each their own', If I were in your situation I would hope that I would keep up the good work on my own situation and not give in to their pressure but also not judge them too harshly either, they are just in a different place mentally.

mooomin · 19 April 2011 at 10:37PM

When I had my LBM and decided to try and become debt-free, I stopped going out very much at all. My monthly treat was a carvery dinner with a group of good friends - some of us earning £13,000 per year, others over £30,000 - as it suited everyone's budget. Any other nights out I saved up in advance for and my friends now know that they have to give me at least a month's notice for a big night out!

I'm jokingly (I hope!!) referred to as "tight" by one of my friends, but she also knows that if we go out for the night we'll get a good deal as I'll normally find a dinner voucher for us, and possibly cheap drinks too.

I'm lucky in that most of my friends were very supportive of my budget. When a good friend got married I was up front about the fact that our gift was going to have to be our attendance and participation in her wedding (me bridesmaid, Mr F usher) as we couldn't afford to buy clothes for the wedding, get a hotel and buy a gift. They were fine with that. Real friends shouldn't want to check your bank balance

It sounds to me like your friends (or your OH's friends) might be either earning more than you or haven't had their LBM yet, in which case just keep saying no until they know that you mean it.

Trust me, the day that you make your final debt payment makes saying no worthwhile

belfastgirl23 · 19 April 2011 at 11:17PM

I think that your attitude is challenging your friends. It's making them think about their own lifestyles and they're not comfortable with this. In good part because they know that what they're doing is a bad idea. We all have a little voice deep down that is shouting out warning messages - what you're doing is amplifying that for them. And they don't want to listen. There might also be a level of envy that your OH has 'the whole package' as well.

The danger you're in here is that you think you're right. Of course we're all moneysavers so we think you're right too and are reinforcing you thinking this. But that's not really how you can approach it with a group of friends. Even worse than someone who challenges your behaviour is someone who is sanctimonious alongside this.

It's understandable that your partner doesn't want to be alienated from her group of friends. I wonder is there anyone in the group who might be more understanding if you got them away from the group dynamic. Surely there's one person who earns less than the others or who just bought a house or is thinking about kids? Sometimes you can challenge the culture one person at a time.

redglass_2 · 20 April 2011 at 12:04AM

I'm in a very different position from most of the posters here - I'm middle aged and single. Before you think, 'Sad', I'm actually pretty happy - self-employed with lots of freedom in my daily life, and not lonely. I've always been frugal (from a frugal family) and have no debt. I'm too old now to have the Hen Night dilemma, though I remember having to turn one down in the past because there was no way I could afford to go. However - I do have one friend who's forever trying to glamorise me, get me to dress better, look younger, get more expensive haircuts, etc - I think my being single bothers her a lot more than it does me. Sometimes I've tried following her advice and found myself spending, spending, spending in a way that really doesn't suit me or the way I want to run my life. Just recently I started doing some decluttering. In a drawer I found loads of 'beauty gadgets' that my friend urged me to get. I never use them any more and I'll probably put them on Ebay. When I look at them I feel really annoyed that I allowed myself to be persuaded...'nuff said. I'm fond of this friend (she is trying to do me good!) but when I visit other friends who can have fun in a more frugal way, I can enjoy myself and also have peace of mind afterwards. There are lots of people who will be in tune with your ideas, if you allow yourself to find them.

quantic · 20 April 2011 at 7:33AM

I don't think it's really a case of being right or wrong for me, I am completely uninterested in being either. The reason this bothers me so much is because, say for instance I was on less money and had no way to up it. This would basically have the same effect as debt but permanent. Meaning that I and the OH would be too sling forever to do anything with most of our circle. I just hate this... I don't want money to be a requirement on friends.

I mean I can't remember the last time one of them said to either of us, I miss you let's do something - or something to that effect. It seems to me that everyone is more focused on the thing then the people involved.

I don't think anyone should be made to feel more or less valuable as a friend because of their ability to do 'stuff' and thus see them more.

I mean, people manage to do stuff when they are young and don't have any money or jobs, so why so incapable now!!

davidjwest · 20 April 2011 at 9:20AM

suzie_wong wrote: »

Hmmm....a difficult one. My only suggestion would be to try suggesting a dinner party at yours, with each person/couple bringing something towards the meal, or drink (eg you could supply the main course, someone else a starter, dessert etc). You could explain that you're skint but really want to see everyone, and see how they react to the idea. It could work really well and become a regular thing with friends taking turns to host. On the other hand, a poor reaction to it might just make you think that you need to find some more sympathetic and sensible friends

This is exactly what we do with our circle of close friends.

Had a dinner party last weekend, everyone was given the task of bringing a bottle of wine to go with the menu and one piece of cheese for after the meal. Works well and keeps costs down.

Next month we are going to one of the friend's houses as they are returning the favour, very economical way to have fun, I think it cost us around £40 to produce the meal but you could do it for less than that.

Not sure beans on toast would go down well though.

Erme · 20 April 2011 at 9:22AM

quantic wrote: »

Before we both moved out we could service all of these social things, so never built up any debt, now that we have our own place we cant do both... so its more like - how do we handle the transition into being independent while maintaining a social life?

At our worst point we only had about 4k debt from the house, we have none now, but I can quite easily see us going into debt if we continue to keep up with everyone.

She is not the type of person to want the same things as everyone, in a material sort of way, but sometimes when she is going out with them in clothes from 3 years ago and they have a new outfit every single time they go out, it makes her a little sad as she feels a mess.

Okay I don't see the big deal here that can't be jazzed up with accesories? Some of my church clothes (and yes you offended and hurt my feelings excrutiatingly for using the 'c' word and taking my Lord's name in vain in the above post by Quantic last posted to this) I've had for 10 years and then they were only £1 in a charity shop. Really don't see the prob.....unless it's about trying to keep up with the 'joneses' which is so not worth it..

quantic wrote: »

To give you an idea of how mental some of my OH's friends are. One of them has just started a degree in her part time, just so that she could get a student overdraft to buy things with...

That is just crazeeeee!!!!. Such a pathetic reason to study. If only I was well enough to study. Boy...that makes my blood boil.

So yeah. Maybe I don't have the fancy job like you do but am just decorating my pad (first time in 10 years. Was an exchange) and noticed B&Q last weekend @ least had 3 for 2 on paint and 10% off if you spent more than £30 for a few weeks (you got a coupon)...so yeah....it's possible...

Compromise and go for the cheaper alternative if possible. One of my aquaintances has not has his LBM and is now on JSA and finding things tough (less than 10% of what he was on)...I told him not to not go for his coffees out but have them cheaper. He ignored me....:mad:

E

Pressure from 'Friends' and people you know

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