I am not trying hard....

I realised something today. I have been telling myself for the last year that it's not fair that I am in debt, that I am trying so hard, that it's not working out, it's all other people's fault. Actually, who am I fooling.

I am not trying so hard. At least I wasn't , until very recently. Unlike most of this forum, my debt never gave me the sort of headache it gives to other people. I could always afford paying back the minimum etc. I thought of DWF-ing as a new fun hobby, intoxicated by success, then dissappointed by failure, it has never been a matter of life and death to me. Yes, true, I did all the Martin "cut back" etc, but I wasn't stretching myself. I wasn't trying so hard. That's why, after a year, I am still in debt! I am still as much in debt as I was before. I bought myself expensive holiday, and then I came here crying that I am in debt - well shame on me.

And as for it not being fair - it is fair. I could have bought budget airline ticket s instead of British Airways, even if the saving is only £20. I could have taken the tube to the Heathrow and not the paddington express. I could have bothered to buy diet cokes at tesco for £2.55 per six cans than a can for 80p at the corner shop, because that 30p DOES make a difference.

Over the last few days I have been reading the forum and other people's stories extensively. And even though I have been here for a year, I realised, I still had no clue about what a DWF is. I see people in broken homes, having sleepless nights and I am ashamed, ashamed that even though my debt is manageable, compared to them, I still can't get rid of it, even though I could have, over the last year. Yes, if I hadn't done the middle eastern holiday, the trip with my sister, and if only I had spent just £50 less a month than I did, and I could have, I would be debt free now! And here I am, with $4000 debt.

I don't want to be part of the "debt free wannabe-trend". I dont want to come here and celebrate my debt and pretend that I am miserable and trying too hard, when I am actually not, and loads of people here are. I want to be a real DFW. A real debt free wannabe. I want to see the number £4000 every tijme I open my purse to pay for something. I want to realise that every time I spend money, I am borrowing money, until that £4000 is paid back. I need to realise that if I want to be debt free, I have to pay back my debt, and that I can only do by not spending my money. This sounds simple, but for me it wasn't. My life was about allowing myself this, and that, and treating myself to this little thing, and that meal out... and then coming here and moaning about how unfair life is. (so if it happens again, someone pinch me, please!).

There are people here whose debt is unfair. Bank charges, circumstances, debt collection agencies, lost job, etc.... My debt is NOT unfair. I was spending beyond my means, I have spent every penny myself, I have enjoyed every single item I bought MYSELF. I am the one who brought it on me, and I am the one who needs to make it go away. It's not unfair, it's my doing, it's my fault. Finally I realise this. I a the one who was stupid and not my boss, my friends, or Martin, or you, here, in the forum!

I need to put an end to this. I need to pay back this £4000 that I owe and get my life back on the track. I am sick and tired of my own excuses, my own mistakes, and I am sick and tired of my ungratefulness that complete strangers here try to help me with their whole heart and I am letting them down, and letting myself down. I am tired of the feeling I get on payday when I distribute my money to my cards, paying back part of the debt, realising that I have not received any money at all, again, because it's not mine.. and then spending on those cards for a dvd, because that takes me out of the reality, or on food, because that gives me instant happiness, or expensive holidays,, to show to the world that I am fine. I am not fine, I am in debt, I have done this to myself and I will sort this out.

Just wanted to write this out of myself. Things will change from now on. I will show everyone here, that I can and will be debt free. This year. By September, preferably. don't know how - actually, I have a simple plan. I will only spend my money on what is cheap and essential. I will not moan about my debt but work on it so it dissappears. And I will constantly read other people's stories to remind myself how lucky I am that this forum and you lovely people found me in time, before things got really serious.

Thanks for reading it.

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