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  • FIRST POST
    • Elinore
    • By Elinore 26th Mar 19, 5:20 AM
    • 221Posts
    • 805Thanks
    Elinore
    Barking mad relatives!
    • #1
    • 26th Mar 19, 5:20 AM
    Barking mad relatives! 26th Mar 19 at 5:20 AM
    I have a family of two sides. My fathers are small loose knit, withdrawn, bookish gentle and reserved. My mothers family is huge, bright, loud, heavily, interconnected and dotty.

    Just a bit of background, just to give an idea of how this all came about - I moved away quite some time ago and live just outside London. I was honoured in my field recently at an awards ceremony and my mother and one of her sisters came down for the event. It never occurred to me that it was the first time any of the family outside of my mother have seen, or known where I live for nigh on 20 years.

    Saturday just gone i am puttering ready for bed and the doorbell goes. open the door to a very young lass, wheelie case with a toddler on her hip.

    Apparently my Aunt, in her infinite wisdom has decided that my 'huge'* house has room for her daughter! didn't ask, didn't check just put the girl on a National Express and let her travel all day to my door. (it's not huge! we just have a spare space which with large families or several generations all living together never happens) which I also happen to have our lovely mon/fri lodger living in!

    The young mum has aspirations for modelling and being close to London is key - Family do these things for the family I was told.

    Following day first thing I drove the wee lass to the train station, paid for a ticket (after buying her lunch and some bits for the babby) and sent her straight back, poor kid.

    Who does that! who?

    I've not heard a peep since! (apart from a message from the poor lass to confirm she was home safe)

    Families!
    Last edited by Elinore; 26-03-2019 at 5:23 AM.
Page 9
    • Silvertabby
    • By Silvertabby 8th May 19, 11:04 AM
    • 4,364 Posts
    • 6,823 Thanks
    Silvertabby
    “ It depends on the family - saying 'no' is easy; coping the repercussions may not be.
    Originally posted by Mojisola
    Does remind me a little of my family. When my sister and I were given a bag of sweets each, she would cram hers down as fast as possible, whereas I would have preferred to make mine last. However, as soon as she had eaten her last sweet, she would throw a mega tantrum, because I had sweets and she didn't ('it's not fair!') My mother's way of solving this upset was by making me share my remaining sweets with my sister, thus achieving mum's aim of 'a calm and happy family with no rows or upsets'. Unfortunately, my sister grew up believing that what was hers was hers, and what was mine was also hers - because 'families share'.
    Last edited by Silvertabby; 08-05-2019 at 11:07 AM.
    • calleyw
    • By calleyw 8th May 19, 11:29 AM
    • 9,156 Posts
    • 16,982 Thanks
    calleyw
    Does remind me a little of my family. When my sister and I were given a bag of sweets each, she would cram hers down as fast as possible, whereas I would have preferred to make mine last. However, as soon as she had eaten her last sweet, she would throw a mega tantrum, because I had sweets and she didn't ('it's not fair!') My mother's way of solving this upset was by making me share my remaining sweets with my sister, thus achieving mum's aim of 'a calm and happy family with no rows or upsets'. Unfortunately, my sister grew up believing that what was hers was hers, and what was mine was also hers - because 'families share'.
    Originally posted by Silvertabby

    OMG!!!! Don't want to disrespect your mother, but that is bad parenting. If that was me I would have licked all the sweets as your sister would not have wanted them after that


    I was always taught to share as I had two siblings. I know my mum or dad would not have done that and told my siblings tough you ate them all so no more. And that would be that no matter how much they kicked off. Children need to learn boundaries and can't always have what they want.



    Yours


    Calley x
    Hope for everything and expect nothing!!!

    Good enough is almost always good enough -Prof Barry Schwartz

    If it scares you, it might be a good thing to try -Seth Godin
    • Silvertabby
    • By Silvertabby 8th May 19, 11:41 AM
    • 4,364 Posts
    • 6,823 Thanks
    Silvertabby
    “ Does remind me a little of my family. When my sister and I were given a bag of sweets each, she would cram hers down as fast as possible, whereas I would have preferred to make mine last. However, as soon as she had eaten her last sweet, she would throw a mega tantrum, because I had sweets and she didn't ('it's not fair!') My mother's way of solving this upset was by making me share my remaining sweets with my sister, thus achieving mum's aim of 'a calm and happy family with no rows or upsets'. Unfortunately, my sister grew up believing that what was hers was hers, and what was mine was also hers - because 'families share'.
    Originally posted by Silvertabby

    OMG!!!! Don't want to disrespect your mother, but that is bad parenting. If that was me I would have licked all the sweets as your sister would not have wanted them after that

    I was always taught to share as I had two siblings. I know my mum or dad would not have done that and told my siblings tough you ate them all so no more. And that would be that no matter how much they kicked off. Children need to learn boundaries and can't always have what they want.

    Yours

    Calley x
    Originally posted by calleyw
    I wish you'd been around to point that out to my mum then ! Unfortunately, my sister knew that my mum was 'peace at any cost' and played on it.

    There was the time I was given a box of chocolate brazils, for Christmas, as they were my favourite sweets. When I came to eat one, I found that the box had been opened and only contained the nuts - no chocolate. My mum was going to take the box back to the shop for a refund, until my sister laughed and said that as she didn't like brazil nuts she had just sucked all the chocolate off. I threw the box of (sucked) nuts into the bin, and got a telling off for 'wasting good food' whereas nothing at all was said to my sister !
    Last edited by Silvertabby; 08-05-2019 at 11:45 AM.
    • calleyw
    • By calleyw 8th May 19, 11:49 AM
    • 9,156 Posts
    • 16,982 Thanks
    calleyw
    I wish you'd been around to point that out to my mum then ! Unfortunately, my sister knew that my mum was 'peace at any cost' and played on it.

    There was the time I was given a box of chocolate brazils, for Christmas, as they were my favourite sweets. When I came to eat one, I found that the box had been opened and only contained the nuts - no chocolate. My mum was going to take the box back to the shop for a refund, until my sister laughed and said that as she didn't like brazil nuts she had just sucked all the chocolate off. I threw the box of (sucked) nuts into the bin, and got a telling off for 'wasting good food' whereas nothing at all was said to my sister !
    Originally posted by Silvertabby

    Silvertabby,


    That is so awful. I really feel for you.



    I was treated differently for being a girl as I have two brothers. But my parents would never have tolerated that sort of behavior from your sister.



    Yours


    Calley x
    Hope for everything and expect nothing!!!

    Good enough is almost always good enough -Prof Barry Schwartz

    If it scares you, it might be a good thing to try -Seth Godin
    • Silvertabby
    • By Silvertabby 8th May 19, 12:01 PM
    • 4,364 Posts
    • 6,823 Thanks
    Silvertabby
    Silvertabby,

    That is so awful. I really feel for you.

    I was treated differently for being a girl as I have two brothers. But my parents would never have tolerated that sort of behavior from your sister.

    Yours

    Calley x
    Originally posted by calleyw
    Thank you Calley. I'm now too old to care, but it does spoil what should have been happy memories of growing up !

    P.S. One final memory, so OP can see that it's not just her family... When I was too old to bother about sweets, but long before I met Mr S, another lad who fancied me came round to our house to ask me out for a drink. I wasn't in, but my sister told him that I couldn't go out with him that night, as I was babysitting - however, she was free..... She then accosted me when I got back in saying that X had invited her out for a drink, but she was babysitting - so would I do that for her so she could go on 'her' date ? Once I found out, and told mum what my sister had done, mum just laughed and called her 'enterprising'.
    Last edited by Silvertabby; 08-05-2019 at 12:11 PM.
    • calleyw
    • By calleyw 8th May 19, 12:17 PM
    • 9,156 Posts
    • 16,982 Thanks
    calleyw
    Thank you Calley. I'm now too old to care, but it does spoil what should have been happy memories of growing up !
    Originally posted by Silvertabby

    I know but still sad you had put up with that. And that it does not seemed to have made you bitter about it. Even worse that your mother condoned her behavior as well.


    Yours


    Calley x
    Hope for everything and expect nothing!!!

    Good enough is almost always good enough -Prof Barry Schwartz

    If it scares you, it might be a good thing to try -Seth Godin
    • olgadapolga
    • By olgadapolga 8th May 19, 12:18 PM
    • 942 Posts
    • 1,135 Thanks
    olgadapolga
    Thank you Calley. I'm now too old to care, but it does spoil what should have been happy memories of growing up !
    Originally posted by Silvertabby
    I can so relate to this. My siblings were always favoured over me. I used to get told that the reason I often didn't get a birthday present was because my birthday was at the wrong time of the month and there was no money left from my parents' pay by the time my birthday came around. This always struck me as odd as my sister has the same "date" as me and always got a present. Christmas never seemed to be so problematic either.

    It was much the same with school trips/music lessons etc. If my siblings wanted them, they got them. I just stopped asking after a while.

    My childhood memories are not the best. Sometimes I feel like asking my parents why I was treated differently but sometimes I think that I really don't want to know. But I suppose that it doesn't matter much anymore.

    But that's one of the reasons I always felt that my parents took the wrong baby home from the hospital. That, plus I don't look like any of my family and I'm not like them in any way at all. Maybe I'm an alien . . . . or maybe they are
    • Sea Shell
    • By Sea Shell 8th May 19, 12:31 PM
    • 2,062 Posts
    • 3,528 Thanks
    Sea Shell
    We've been treated pretty fairly as children, it's as adults it's got skewed!!!
    " That pound I saved yesterday, is a pound I don't have to earn tomorrow " JOB DONE!!
    This should now read "It's time to start digging up those Squirrelled Nuts"!!!
    • kerri gt
    • By kerri gt 8th May 19, 6:12 PM
    • 8,023 Posts
    • 53,592 Thanks
    kerri gt
    Don't say sorry. It makes it look like you would if you could.
    Originally posted by calleyw
    Perhaps OP would if she could - if they were millionaires with a 10 bed mansion and staff (including a nanny) who could look after the baby...'unfortunately' for Aunt and wee lass....OP doesn't
    Feb 2015 NSD Challenge 8/12
    JAN NSD 11/16


    • Flugelhorn
    • By Flugelhorn 8th May 19, 6:53 PM
    • 1,473 Posts
    • 1,952 Thanks
    Flugelhorn
    I can totally appreciate how OP feels about writing this letter - all down to family dynamics and repercussions. Not all families are the same.

    Mother announced she should go to a relatives funeral, cousin and I were organising the funeral and did not want her to go as we had enough on running about and anyway she would have made it all about herself. I was freaking out dealing with it, when cousin said "just tell her she is not coming"... if only it was so simple!

    Different parents / dynamics/ responses to a statement - his would have said "Oh OK", mine would have moaned and complained until they got their way
    • ska lover
    • By ska lover 8th May 19, 7:14 PM
    • 3,145 Posts
    • 7,560 Thanks
    ska lover
    Elinore - Seriously?!

    It is time to get your big girl pants on! You keep complaining about a situation but not doing anything about it.

    I understand family dynamics are strange. I really do. .....but it concerns me Elinore that you think the fall out would be worse than having the niece come to stay for years.

    The way you are talking, you are going to end up either feeling so guilty or bullied in to doing this.

    We know you are stronger than this, you managed, to deal with it - when the niece was physically present, you put her on the train (and bravo) but I do not understand why you are reluctant to deal with an email. You are strong enough to do this!

    Next update, I want to see a cut and paste of the email, a polite and firm 'no'

    Please. do it
    The opposite of what you know...is also true
    • Nicki
    • By Nicki 8th May 19, 8:42 PM
    • 7,857 Posts
    • 28,001 Thanks
    Nicki
    Would your OH agree to take one for the team?

    Could you say to aunt that whilst you of course are very fond of beige and are keen to see her prosper, that your OH categorically refuses to have her come to live or even stay short term?
    • Elinore
    • By Elinore 9th May 19, 9:10 AM
    • 221 Posts
    • 805 Thanks
    Elinore
    Ok, the email will go Friday night (I will explain the delay below). It was not unsimilar to KerryGTs suggestion. Very short and not open to misinterpretation.

    To explain my reluctance, WL was never going to stay here but the fall out after the email was going to be inevitable……. so I had that feeling when you were a kid and you knew you were in trouble……. . Therefore, it was a small bit of avoidance on my part - I also took the time to get some impartial advice from Aida (a long-time family friend and wonderful human being)

    Also in my defence, I have an event tomorrow that I have been working towards for nearly two years and I have been trying to make sure it is going to run smoothly so that also taken up a whole lot of my headspace. With this in mind getting hounded with family calls, messages and emails is not what I want on the day.

    it’s a really important event and to honour it it needs to remain my sole focus during the whole thing.

    Not usurped by petty family squabbles. So I have scheduled the email to go on as soon as it done (it’s on delayed send in my outbox) this can be seen two ways - avoidance or control of the impact they have on my time and life (I'm obviously going with the latter!)

    olgadapolga as someone who’s mother is not the best – take my advice don’t ask them. The reply you will get will be full of petty justifications, excuses, self- involved twaddle and look to ultimately glossy over your feelings – it will add to your hurt and not be the salve you would hope for. Take it from someone who has asked the question you want too. Look at it this way, someone who was a decent human being would not have acted that way towards you then….. and they are unlikely to accept it was wrong or misguided now. People with such mindsets very rarely change.

    SilverTabby – My heart goes out to you. Your mother absolutely and irrevocably failed in her aim - because peace can never be found in a place where all are not treated equal and fair. Such a dynamic, a false peace at the benefit of one over the other must have been very hard to grow up in.

    Nikki - I wouldn't ask that of my OH that's not fair or right, he would say yes if I asked but they should assign as much weight to a 'No' from me as that of a 'No' from the 'man of the house' - Though I'm really not fond of beige, just so you know
    Last edited by Elinore; 09-05-2019 at 9:29 AM.
    • happyandcontented
    • By happyandcontented 9th May 19, 9:39 AM
    • 2,069 Posts
    • 4,484 Thanks
    happyandcontented
    Perhaps she needs to go stay with the father if she know who it I, maybe it's her dad...

    Tell them you don't want their little tart anywhere near your hubby.
    Originally posted by getmore4less
    That is a quite shocking response imo.
    • Elinore
    • By Elinore 10th May 19, 5:19 PM
    • 221 Posts
    • 805 Thanks
    Elinore
    Happyandcontented - I find great pleasure in not feeding the trolls or choose not to comment on those whose opinion doesn't match my own.

    The email has gone (and just in case anyone was wondering the event was absolutely fantastic!, It was just as I hoped - I was so pleased)
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 10th May 19, 5:25 PM
    • 22,819 Posts
    • 61,773 Thanks
    Pollycat
    The email has gone (and just in case anyone was wondering the event was absolutely fantastic!, It was just as I hoped - I was so pleased)
    Originally posted by Elinore
    Good.
    Then don't let any response from any of your family spoil your evening.
    Don't answer the phone.
    Don't check your emails.
    • bargainbetty
    • By bargainbetty 17th May 19, 12:34 PM
    • 3,106 Posts
    • 7,161 Thanks
    bargainbetty
    As a member of a family that has Christmases that make Eastenders look tame, I have to ask - what happened??
    Some days, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps....
    LB moment - March 2006. DFD - 1 June 2012!!! DEBT FREE!
    MFW - Joined May 2012, aiming to cut the mortgage by an extra two months every year. (Overpaid £3000 so far)
    , only 11 years to go.

    • Kattykitt
    • By Kattykitt 18th May 19, 7:10 AM
    • 7 Posts
    • 20 Thanks
    Kattykitt
    Well.done. let us know how it goes.
    • Elinore
    • By Elinore 21st May 19, 10:32 AM
    • 221 Posts
    • 805 Thanks
    Elinore
    An update – I apologise that it’s been a while but it’s taken me this long to stop bursting in to flames every time I think about it.

    As expected my Aunt did not take the email well. I weathered the storm of nastiness for a little while, rebuffed an attempt to get my dad’s side of the family involved – she was given a short shrift when she called my OH to lament at how rude and short sighted I was being. Met with a resolute no from me in all the forms she contacted me, via my mother, other aunts, chat or FB. I was polite, but firm.

    Then it went quiet – so I thought that she had finally accepted the outcome.

    I was relived.

    I was informed by my Area Leader that she had written to the charity I volunteer for. Basically she felt it was her civic duty to call me out with the charity as I was a hypocrite and they had a right to know. ‘Charity begins at home’ and were they aware of the cold hearted dream stealer they had working for them. I was Red. Mist. Livid. (I have not seen the letter only told of it)

    My Leader was alarmed as her letter was very carefully worded to be factual, vague but emotive and hinted at repercussions - along the lines of ‘I had just accepted a prestigious award and how would it look to the wider public…….’. He had to take advice from HO on if he needed to take some form of action on it. They decided no, but I can tell you now it’s made them nervous. Very nervous.

    I have decided that she is at very least a sociopath or has a personality disorder as the total lack or regard, shame or insight is beyond breath-taking.

    So that where it’s at
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 21st May 19, 10:41 AM
    • 22,819 Posts
    • 61,773 Thanks
    Pollycat
    An update – I apologise that it’s been a while but it’s taken me this long to stop bursting in to flames every time I think about it.

    As expected my Aunt did not take the email well. I weathered the storm of nastiness for a little while, rebuffed an attempt to get my dad’s side of the family involved – she was given a short shrift when she called my OH to lament at how rude and short sighted I was being. Met with a resolute no from me in all the forms she contacted me, via my mother, other aunts, chat or FB. I was polite, but firm.

    Then it went quiet – so I thought that she had finally accepted the outcome.

    I was relived.

    I was informed by my Area Leader that she had written to the charity I volunteer for. Basically she felt it was her civic duty to call me out with the charity as I was a hypocrite and they had a right to know. ‘Charity begins at home’ and were they aware of the cold hearted dream stealer they had working for them. I was Red. Mist. Livid. (I have not seen the letter only told of it)

    My Leader was alarmed as her letter was very carefully worded to be factual, vague but emotive and hinted at repercussions - along the lines of ‘I had just accepted a prestigious award and how would it look to the wider public…….’. He had to take advice from HO on if he needed to take some form of action on it. They decided no, but I can tell you now it’s made them nervous. Very nervous.

    I have decided that she is at very least a sociopath or has a personality disorder as the total lack or regard, shame or insight is beyond breath-taking.

    So that where it’s at
    Originally posted by Elinore
    OMG!
    Of all the outcomes, I would never have expected this one.

    Elinore
    I remember your previous threads about various family issues.

    I disagree with your thread title:
    Your Aunt is not 'barking mad'.
    She is a rude, thoughtless, presumptuous person.
    Originally posted by Pollycat
    I'll add - she is also a vindictive b i t c h.

    What an unconscionable thing to do.

    I hope your employer gave you opportunity to put your side of things.
    Would they think it reasonable to have an 18 year old wannabe model with child in tow stay in their house for 5 years?

    How has this impacted on the rest of your family?
    I would leave your Mother and everyone else in no doubt whatsoever how this woman's interference in your work life has caused severe issues for you.

    And I would cut this Aunt out of my life without any further ado.
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